Somehow Lana and Ray took the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Just more madness because there was nothing good on television this week. This little fic takes place around the same time as my other fic Operation Double D. Actually on the same night.
It's just a weird idea I had. Try to guess the movie crossover here. Which shouldn't be too hard. And if you think about it…It would explain a few things.
Operation Chaos Theory
"I swear I don't know why I put up with Mallory's crazy schemes sometimes," Lana sighed as she and Ray went down the street in her car. Both were dressed in black turtlenecks, hats, pants and shoes. "Did you secure the amber samples, Ray?"
"Of course I did," Ray snorted. "It's all safe and sound." He casually looked back at the container in the back seat.
"I can't believe Mallory had us break into a museum to steal some weird amber fossils with mosquitoes in them so she could sell them to some rich collector she knows," Lana groaned. "What was this guy's name again?"
"John Hammond," Ray told her.
"Why was he so insistent that we get the amber with mosquitoes in it?" Lana asked.
"People collect all kinds of weird things," Ray shrugged. "Look at Krieger."
"I'd rather not," Lana groaned. "So we're supposed to drop these amber samples off to one of his scientists?"
"Dr. Henry Wu, yes," Ray nodded. "I wonder why Archer didn't get this mission? Usually Mallory gives him the easy assignments. Of course half the time he screws them up…"
"I'd like to think that finally Mallory wised up and realized that Archer isn't exactly the most reliable person in the world but I have a feeling that's not the case," Lana groaned.
"Especially since Pam told me before we left that she was going on a mission with Archer tonight," Ray added.
"There it is," Lana groaned. "Do I want to know what they're up to?"
"Something about stealing underwear pictures at a party that Cheryl was invited to," Ray shrugged.
"I don't want to know," Lana moaned.
"Neither do I," Ray said. "Can we go to your place to get changed? Because let's just say going to my place is not a good idea. If I came home with a woman a lot of people in my building will notice."
"No, I don't want the nanny to see us looking suspicious," Lana admitted.
"We can get changed on the way," Ray said. "Take a turn on that street. I know a place."
Lana groaned. "I just can't believe I sunk so low as to steal from a museum!"
"Okay Lana you do know we've both done a lot worse than steal some old rocks right?" Ray gave her a look. "I mean compared to some of the many, many, many illegal things we've done over the years…Stealing a bunch of fossils that weren't even on display is pretty low on the list."
"Don't remind me about the murders, the coup and the cocaine," Lana groaned.
"Nobody will even notice those things are gone," Ray went on. "Did you see all that dust on those boxes? Gave me allergies just lookin' at 'em."
"I know you're trying to rationalize us taking these fossils," Lana sighed. "But I still feel like I'm betraying my principles."
"You still have principles?" Ray snorted.
"Shut up! You know what I mean," Lana said. "Stealing some priceless fossils just because some rich bastard won't take no for an answer…"
"I know but that's the way the world works," Ray said. "And if we don't do it someone else will. And we both need the money badly."
"Ten thousand dollars apiece would help," Lana admitted. "I mean I'm barely getting by as it is with what little we're paid by Mallory and the CIA."
"We all do what we gotta do to survive," Ray sighed. "Again we've both done worse."
"A lot worse," Lana groaned. "Ray where are we going?"
"Just trust me," Ray pointed out. "Go down that street there and turn right."
"I just wish that…" Lana began then she did a double take. "The Snug?"
"That's right you've never been here have you?" Ray asked.
"This is that gay bar you hang out at?" Lana was stunned. "This parking lot is packed! Ray the point of us not going to our apartments to change clothes is to not be noticed!"
"Relax, we won't be," Ray snickered. "In fact we probably look normal compared to what's going on in there tonight."
"Wednesday Wha-Hoo Night?" Lana looked at the garish sign above the place.
"It's a weekly carnival of anything goes," Ray grinned as Lana parked the car. "We can leave the samples in the car as long as it's locked. Trust me, no one will ever dare steal anything from this parking lot. Not after that incident with the biker gang a few years ago."
"What happened?"
"Let's just say beards and pink taffy are a bad combination," Ray snickered. "Especially when they have grenades stuck in 'em!"
"Wait, what?" Lana did a double take. "Ray did you steal grenades again?"
"Not as many as you'd think," Ray admitted. "And I wasn't the only one who brought them."
"I'm better off not knowing aren't I?" Lana groaned as they got out of the car.
"Unless you wanna be a witness after the fact for the prosecution, no," Ray told her. They had taken off their hats and left them in the car. They did however take some bags that held their clothes.
When they walked inside Lana was stunned. It was a carnival of people in bright (sometimes extremely revealing) costumes. Several people were dancing on tables. Some had sparklers in their hands. A colorful live band was playing in the corner and a conga line was making its way around the bar. And some guy on one table wearing a Statue of Liberty costume was juggling fire sticks.
"You weren't kidding when you said we wouldn't be noticed!" Lana practically had to shout to be heard.
"Let's just say I come here when I don't want to think," Ray shouted at Lana over the din. "Come on."
Lana just let Ray lead her through the mass of partygoers to the back. In the back there was another room with another bar with more partying patrons. Albeit slightly quieter. Which is like saying a train is quieter than an earthquake.
"Isn't that private?" Lana asked as Ray took her to a room marked Private Elite Guests Only.
"The owner of this bar is a good friend of mine," Ray smirked as they entered a small bathroom. "I have all sorts of privileges." He locked the door behind him.
"I don't think I want to know what they are," Lana groaned. "I just wish we could change in separate booths."
"It's not like we haven't seen each other before," Ray pointed out. "In worse states of undress I might add."
"Don't remind me," Lana groaned as she started to change.
"I still have the mental scars from the incident in the Alps," Ray groaned as he got undressed.
"Come on Ray," Lana snickered. "You looked so cute with Archer cuddling you."
"As if!" Ray protested hotly.
Lana couldn't help but laugh. Seeing Ray standing there bare chested with his hair slightly sticking up from pulling off his turtleneck with that look on his face made her lose it.
"What the hell is so funny?" Ray snapped.
"You look so cute protesting like that," Lana laughed. "I think someone's got a crush!"
"No I don't!" Ray told her. "Which is weird considering how I'm usually so attracted to assholes."
"You so think he's cute!" Lana snickered as she finished taking off her turtleneck.
"Really Lana? You're going to tease me about being attracted to Archer when you're still totally in love with him?" Ray gave her a look.
Lana frowned. "Shut up."
"Now who's in denial?" Ray smirked triumphantly.
"ASS!" Lana hit him on the arm.
"Ow! Hostile work environment!" Ray pouted.
"Well I don't…I just…" Lana sputtered.
"Lana you stole the man's sperm to have a baby," Ray pointed out. "That's usually a pretty solid sign that you're not over a guy. And a bit stalker-ish."
"Damn it Ray," Lana winced, hating he was right.
"Calling Fatal Attraction on line one!" Ray quipped. "The rabbit died again!"
"Ass!" Lana grumbled as she finished changing.
"You're the one who brought it up," Ray pointed out as he got changed. "Don't whine at me for pointing out the obvious."
"I know. I'm just frustrated," Lana groaned as she finished putting on her usual red mini dress and boots. "These missions Mallory sends us on are just as dubious as the CIA ones."
"Well it's almost over and considering how most of our missions usually go…" Ray chucked as he finished dressing. He was wearing a dark blazer over his dark pants and a pink shirt.
"Your hair is a mess," Lana smirked.
"Oh," Ray blinked. He then looked up at the ceiling and started to fix it.
"Wait there's a mirror…?" Lana did a double take. "Why is there a mirror…? Never mind! Forget I asked!"
"There," Ray finished fixing his hair. "No one will be the wiser. Come on."
"Ray? Where are you going? Ray!" Lana barked when they emerged from the private bathroom.
"Just one drink!" Ray protested as he headed towards the bar amid the chaos. "We're early anyway."
"I can't drink," Lana folded her arms.
"Well I can and I need one," Ray smirked as he raised his hand to order something. "Besides it's good to establish a cover story."
"God now you're starting to sound and act like Archer," Lana groaned.
"Now you're just being mean," Ray gave her a look.
The bartender that was wearing a blue costume with a helmet on his head and elaborately trimmed and styled beard walked over to him. "One Glengoolie Hard Lemon Cooler and one club soda for my designated driver," Ray pointed to Lana.
The bartender nodded and went to get them a drink. "Just relax for a few minutes and enjoy the show," Ray told Lana.
"It's definitely a sight to see," Lana looked at the variety of activities going on. "Wow, those guys doing acrobatics on those curtains are really good."
"They're with the circus," Ray said. "I think one of them is the nephew of the owner. They come in whenever they're in town."
"Who are those guys in the cage?" Lana pointed.
"That's the protesting cage," Ray explained as he got the drinks. "At The Snug they have a very live and let live policy. Even to people to aren't exactly supportive of different lifestyles."
"Wait, they let anti-gay protestors in here?" Lana did a double take.
"Those aren't anti-gay protesters," Ray snorted. "Those guys are the Gay Conservative Party."
"PUT SOME CLOTHES ON PEOPLE! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO JOIN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY WITH THIS GOING ON?" One well-dressed conservative gay man in the cage shouted through a megaphone. "WOULD IT KILL YOU PEOPLE TO PUT SOME PANTS ON?"
"The Snug isn't exactly your typical gay bar," Ray explained.
"I noticed," Lana remarked.
"I'M NOT SAYING GEORGE WILL IS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THE MAN MAKES SOME GOOD POINTS!" The conservative with the microphone shouted.
"PUT A SOCK IN IT MUFFY!" Someone shouted.
"PUT A SOCK ON IT RICHARD!" Muffy shouted back. "AGAIN! PANTS! WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK THE MORAL MAJORITY DOESN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY?"
"Calm down Muffy and have some Earl Grey," Another conservative gay man handed him a saucer containing tea.
"Those guys are kind of the Debbie Downers of our group," Ray explained.
"I kind of figured that out," Lana blinked. "Who's the guy with the lobster claws at that table over there? And that bald woman with the gold robot arm?"
"Don't ask…" Ray groaned. "Long stupid story."
"We seem to be collecting a lot of them," Lana said as she took her drink and drank it.
"Tell me about it," Ray groaned.
"So it's not just me right?" Lana sighed. "This new re-booting of our same old lives. It seems the same but doesn't seem the same. It just seems like our lives are getting crazier and crazier."
"Again preaching to the choir," Ray took a drink. "Correction. Preaching to the gay cyborg choir!"
"I just can't help but feel that this whole CIA thing we're involved in is no better than when we thought we were running a drug cartel," Lana sighed.
"If you could call it that," Ray snorted. "More like a free cocaine giveaway cartel."
"I was hoping for more stability by now but it seems that my life is becoming more and more of a mess," Lana sighed as she drank her water. "I don't know what to do."
"Not much else to do but hang on for dear life," Ray sighed. "It's not like we have a lot of other options. No legitimate spy agency would touch us with a ten foot pole. And we all know you'll never leave Archer."
"What? I'm not even…" Lana sputtered.
"Hello? Remember the whole sperm stealing thing I mentioned not only a few minutes ago?" Ray gave her a look.
"Ugh. You have a point," Lana groaned. "I still have feelings for the asshole. And I don't want to go back home and move back in with my parents."
"At least you have that option," Ray gave her a look. "I don't even have that."
"I know. It just feels like we're acting worse and worse," Lana admitted. "We'd better go. I don't want to think what Mallory would say if we mess up this mission."
"You're right," Ray nodded. Then he finished his drink. "I think we've established our alibi anyway. People will remember seeing us here just not exactly what time. You know? Just in case."
"ALL RIGHT! WHICH ONE OF YOU HEATHENS SET FIRE TO MY SIGNED RUSH LIMBAUGH BOOK?" Muffy was heard screaming. "THAT IS IT! CHARGE GAY REPUBLICANS!"
"OH YEAH MUFFY?" Someone shouted. "GAY DEMOCRATS UNITE AND ATTACK!"
"A POX ON BOTH YOUR PARTIES!" Someone else shouted. "THE GAY LIBERARIANS WILL KICK YOUR ASSES! AND NOT IN THE FUN WAY!"
"BRING IT ON BRUCE!" Muffy yelled. "CHARGE!"
"Oh this is gonna get messy. We should go now," Ray blinked.
"Yup," Lana blinked as the political patrons got into a brawl.
"Now you know why I'm an independent," Ray quipped.
It wasn't long before they were back on the road. Soon Lana drove her car into a parking garage nearby. "This is the place," Ray said.
"I still feel guilty about doing this," Lana groaned as they entered the parking garage.
"Come on Lana it's just some fossils," Ray said. "What's the worst that can happen?"
"Yeah I mean it's not like these things are going to be a key that Hammond will use that will cause a lot of chaos, death and terror," Lana admitted. "It's not that bad right?"
"Odds are they're just gonna be sitting around on his shelf as trophies," Ray pointed out.
"Yeah. But answer me this," Lana thought. "Why is Hammond sending one of his scientists to collect them? Why not some courier or other guy?"
"Why do we send our scientist out on drink runs?" Ray gave her a look. "He's probably a new guy or something. You're overthinking this."
"I guess," Lana sighed. "There he is."
A young Chinese American man dressed conservatively in a brown suit was standing by a blue Dodge. "Are you Gillette and Kane?" He asked as they approached him.
"We are," Lana said. "Dr. Wu I presume?"
"Yes. May I see the specimens?" Dr. Wu asked.
"Right here," Ray placed the container on the back of the car and opened it up.
"Magnificent," Dr. Wu whistled as he looked at them. "These are fine samples. This will be perfect for our research."
"Research? What kind of research?" Lana's interest was piqued.
"Oh just on mosquitoes and other insects," Dr. Wu said casually. "And some extinct life forms."
"See Lana? It's nothing," Ray waved as he closed the container and locked it. "It's all in the name of science."
"Well if it's all for science I guess I feel better about this," Lana said. "I mean it's not like you're going to do some possibly dubious scientific experiments just to make a profit off them."
"Nope. That is not what is going to happen," Dr. Wu said with a straight face as he took the case from them. "All right. Everything's here. Your boss will get her payment along with yours tomorrow at your office. It's a pleasure doing business with you."
"See? That wasn't so bad now was it?" Ray asked as he and Lana made their way back to the car.
"I guess," Lana sighed. "I really do need that ten thousand dollars."
"Don't we all," Ray agreed as they got in the car. "See? For once we had an easy assignment."
"Yeah. It's nice to have a mission that doesn't end in disaster and death," Lana admitted as she drove away.
"And ten grand under the table," Ray nodded his head. "Which is probably a pittance compared to whatever Mallory is getting."
"It's better than nothing," Lana said. "I could get some new clothes for AJ."
"Just don't tell Maleficent that," Ray snorted. "She'd probably make some stupid weight comment."
"Don't remind me," Lana groaned. "I can't understand how she could think AJ is fat."
"There is no reasoning with that woman's warped values in that tiny cold reptilian brain of hers," Ray admitted. "But as long as she pays us I'm not gonna complain."
"I just want to go home," Lana sighed as they left the parking garage.
"Me…I could go back to the Snug for a little bit," Ray smiled. "Some cute fun guys there tonight."
"You can go on your own and…" Lana began when the sound of fire engines startled her.
"Whoa!" She pulled to the side as several fire trucks whizzed by.
"They're in an awful hurry," Ray commented.
"They are fire trucks," Lana smirked. Then her jaw dropped as she stopped the car to investigate by the side of the road. "And that is one big ass fire!"
"Holy…" Lana's jaw dropped as she saw the fire. "Wait…That looks like some kind of party. Where exactly was Archer's mission again?"
"Uh…" Ray blinked.
"You don't think…?" Lana asked.
"Well, there's always a chance that it's not them," Ray said hopefully.
"CAROL! CAROL! COME BACK HERE!" Archer was heard shouting. "PUT DOWN THE LIGHTER CAROL BEFORE SOMEONE SEES YOU! PAM STOP FLIRTING WITH THE FIREMEN!"
"Never mind," Ray groaned.
"Okay here's the deal," Lana said. "We never saw them. We will never talk about seeing them. This night never happened!"
"Agreed," Ray nodded.