WARNING: Potentially controversial topics such as 'going postal', cross-dressing, and The Funk discussed.
The Final Countdown
The various stars, that shone so brightly during the Three Kingdoms era, went their separate ways once they were given one chance at reincarnation.
Infuriated by this deep disregard for historical accuracy and propriety, the Celestial Bureaucracy collected their souls upon their death, and once again they found themselves in another waiting room.
Department of Eternal Damnation, Waiting Room
"So we meet again."
"Indeed."
"Yep."
"I thought I could finally be free!" Sima Yi jumped out of his seat. "I thought I wouldn't have to deal with any more of this."
"Perhaps Heaven is furious with how we took advantage of the Celestial Bureaucracy's generosity..." A certain man with a feather fan waved that fan nonchalantly.
"But Kongming, admit it. Sima's Fried Chicken was the best thing since the invention of the microwave, no? Millions of people visited my store! I got reviews from all kinds of people: the New York Times, Rotten Tomatoes, Richard Roeper, they all said that my restaurant was the best even if they typically reviewed completely unrelated things!"
Zhou Yu shrugged. "Well, at least I got quite a few record deals."
Cai Yan smiled. "We certainly were popular, weren't we? But I wonder how Heaven was offended? Master Zhongda's restaurant brought joy to many people. That certainly grants good karma. Lord Zhuge Liang's consulting firm kept many people from making poor decisions, and it's not like a career in music hurts anyone..."
"But you got to admit... Wishing to be an assassin and killing people was really low, even for you." Deng Ai smirked at his old rival.
"I fought for honor and justice." Jiang Wei crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. "I have no regrets."
As the various heroes grumbled among their cliques, mist began to swirl in the center of the room, revealing Guan Lu and Zuo Ci once more.
"Hello, everyone."
"Hello, Master Zuo..." A couple groups chimed politely.
Guan Lu shivered slightly at the sheer number of people whose glares could melt steel.
"You are gathered here today because the Celestial Bureaucracy believes you took advantage of your wishes."
Zhou Yu stood, and bowed respectfully. "And on behalf of everyone I will retort that we had no logical reason to continue our former careers. You gave us a choice to do something different with our lives, and almost everyone took that choice."
"Chen Gong!" A voice yelled suddenly from among the group.
"What is it, Master Fengxian?"
"What's Gongjin talking about?"
Chen Gong looked around the room with pleading eyes, begging for someone to help explain.
"Lu Bu, you became a professional wrestler, didn't you?" Lu Xun asked.
"Yeah..." He smiled slightly. "That was fun."
"And wasn't that different from what you used to do during the latter Han Dynasty?"
"Well, yeah, but not as fun."
"Not as fun?"
Lu Bu frowned. "I didn't get to kill anyone... People weren't afraid of me anymore, so it wasn't as fun."
Zuo Ci grinned from ear to ear. "And that is our point. You men were known throughout history as honorable, noble people whose feats and frequent acts of selflessness on behalf of ideals and nations inspired countless generations, but once we gave you a chance to continue them most of you choose selfish ends."
"But our music!" Cai Yan cried before Zhou Yu could respond.
"While people enjoyed your music, and to your credit you continued producing music for a long time, the two of you also had ulterior motives."
Cai Yan blushed and looked at the ground, while Zhou Yu tried to avoid Zuo Ci's gaze, with a humiliated look on his face.
"Don't tell me..." Cao Cao muttered.
"It can't be...!" Sun Shangxiang gasped.
"YOU CHEATED ON ME?!" Xiao Qiao screamed.
"I... I didn't realize that 'till death do us part' continues beyond death..." Zhou Yu's face took on a brighter and brighter red hue.
At this point Gan Ning grinned. "But it's not like you didn't enjoy your time with me, Xiao Qiao!"
The younger of the Qiao sisters lept from her seat, furiously trying to punch Gan Ning when Zuo Ci raised a finger and a mysterious invisible wall crashed into her face.
"Ahem, many of you did indeed pursue other relationships, and some of you have no right to criticize the choices of your spouses. Although, I must admit, the policing career and work-related marriage of Zhao Zilong and Zhen Ji was quite cute."
Zhao Yun and Zhen Ji had the decency to blush.
"Yet adultery is the antithesis of Confucian values, and thus the Bureaucracy has processed penalties on all of your souls."
"I never had an affair!" Cao Cao puffed his chest up proudly.
"... But you never got married either." Zuo Ci smirked.
Cao Cao's smile shifted to a frown. "Please don't remind me of that ordeal..."
"Prison changes a man." Yuan Shao nodded sagely.
"Still, I must object on behalf of my colleagues." Zhuge Kongming suddenly stood.
Sima Yi, Zhou Yu, Guo Jia, Guo Huai, Hao Zhao, Jia Xu, Lu Xun, Wei Yan, Lu Meng, and a long list of esteemed officers and former opponents of Shu's Prime Minister all glanced at him with interest.
"You claim that adultery is such a terrible sin. While it may be a form of betrayal, it is also true that all the accused in question had died once and many were separated from their reincarnated spouses for some time... Even over several decades."
Zuo Ci checked his notes. "Yes, that is indeed true, especially in the case of Lady Mi. She was reborn fifty years after Liu Bei's second death, and later married the reincarnation of Mi Zhu who was otherwise not related to her. That adds incest to her sins!"
Lady Mi, second wife of Liu Bei and sister of Mi Zhu, burst into tears.
Zhuge Liang's eyes narrowed. "But you just claimed that Mi Zhu and Lady Mi's reincarnations were otherwise unrelated."
"Indeed."
"So how is that a crime?"
"Their original lives were."
"So not only do we assume our previous identities from the Bureaucracy's perspective, but we also get amnesia automatically when we are reborn? How is that fa-?"
"That free dose of amnesia required a lot of forms and verification. You should be grateful!" Guan Lu growled.
"And they wondered why I went on that shooting spree in the DMV." Yuan Shao shook his head.
"That very dose of amnesia removes our liability, no? If we forget our previous lives, how are we supposed to know who we used to be or what we used to do? Masters Gongjin, Zhongda, and Fengxiao along with myself might have remembered something of our previous lives, but the rest of us weren't so lucky..." Zhuge Liang continued.
"You remember everything from both lives, though."
"That happened after we died again!" Sima Yi growled.
"Exactly. And if you bureaucrats make so many claims about love, how can you condemn love that blossomed once more, even if it bonded different people?" Zhuge Liang stood proudly.
Zhou Yu and Cai Yan sneaked a longing glance.
Xiao Qiao blushed and smiled as Gan Ning stared at her.
Mi Zhu slowly began to back away from a blushing Mi Shi.
Sun Shangxiang continued to stare at Zhou Yu, and sighed wistfully.
And he looked back, at her.
Cai Yan's joyful expression quickly began to change.
As Zhou Yu started to look at his previous wife with some fear, Zuo Ci smirked and continued.
"Guan Lu, would you like to give them the good news?"
"Indeed! Well, Master Zhuge Liang has brought up an extremely good point. Not all of us agree with the Bureaucracy's decision. I for one HATE form 624."
"Um... They might not know that one..."
"If pets are reincarnated and they bond to different masters in a later life it counts as stealing. Such foolishness!" Guan Lu's eyes flared with rage.
"Aye, well, anyway, because several of us agree that the Bureaucracy can be dead wrong at times, not to mention the hassle that happens whenever widows remarry, the Bureaucracy wishes to give several of you another chance."
Zhou Yu, Cai Yan, and Sun Shangxiang exchanged glances hopefully, among others.
"You may now reenact various scenes from the Romance of the Three Kingdoms novel, or popular folklore, in any way you choose. The Bureaucracy will be your audience, and they will judge you on your performance. A good performance clears all crimes."
Cai Yan shivered in horror.
"Yes..." Zuo Ci sighed. "Even those..."
"This... This is Madness!" Sima Yi rose angrily from his chair.
"This is the will of the Bureaucracy. "The Bureaucracy is expanding, to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy." (Sid Meier, Civilization IV)." Guan Lu deadpanned.
"Then I demand a dance-off with him." Zhou Yu rose and pointed at Zhuge Liang.
"Wait..."
"You just said "in any way we choose."" Zhou Yu smiled as Zuo Ci's eyes widened.
ACT 1: THE DISCO OF CHI BI
The moon rose high in the sky, and began to glow like a disco ball.
Zhuge Liang stood on a podium covered in Daoist symbols.
"The Han Demands that the Funk Be Restored." He spoke solemnly, and rose his fan.
Back at the Wu camp, Huang Gai and Zhou Yu were arguing.
"Cao Cao thinks he has the Funk! As long as we continue giving him a false sense of security, we can draw him into a trap and prove that is Sun Quan, not Cao Cao, who truly has the Funk!"
"General Huang Gai, your Funk has been renowned throughout Wu. It would be a shame to expose you to the horror that is Cao Cao's fake-ass funk." Zhou Yu sighed.
"As long as Sun Quan's Funk shines throughout the land, I will gladly become a poser."
Zhou Yu saluted before Huang Gai changed into a tie-dye tee-shirt and a hippie bandanna, and left to 'support' Wei's "funk."
As the Cao Cao navy approached, their ships hulls covered with paisley décor, and their troops outfitted with hipster attire, the shiny Wu navy met them on the Great River.
"Kongming claimed that he would bring the Beat, but I'm not hearing it... Wait!" Zhou Yu cupped his ears as a miraculous melody began to play.
With the melody's prompting, the Wu forces yelled at the top of their lungs for their sailors to follow by pushing harder.
The Wei hipsters started to scream as the sheer glory of the Funk began to overwhelm them.
Huang Gai swam towards them, with a waterproof boombox attached to his back.
As the boombox itself yelled for everyone to go faster, Xiahou Dun screamed. "I can't take this!" He thurst his hands under his beanie and covered his ears.
As the strength of the Beat blasted forth, the Wei fleet began to disperse.
ACT I END: THE DISCO OF JINGZHOU
As Cao Ren ran off the stage, crying his eyes out at the fact that he did not have the Funk, Zhou Yu and his backup dancers sprang forth in pursuit.
But as they approached the great club of Jingzhou, the most legendary stage that broadcast the glorious Funk throughout the land, they found that the stage had already been booked.
"What is the meaning of this?!" Zhou Yu crossed his arms as Zhao Yun, the bouncer, simply glared at him.
"This joint is hereby under the management of Master Zhuge Liang!"
"The people have the right to experience the Funk! You cannot stop the Funk!"
Before Zhou Yu could continue his tirade, Zhuge Liang emerged from backstage.
"What's going on here?"
"Zhuge Liang! Han's Funk has waned, while Wu's has gathered much street cred. You are a poser, get off the stage!"
"And what makes you think that Han's Funk is less than Wu's?"
Zhou Yu smirked. "Watch and learn!"
Da Qiao, Xiao Qiao, Bu Lianshi, and a somewhat reluctant Sun Shangxiang quickly got into position behind Zhou Yu.
And Zhou Yu sang, telling Kongming that he was Zhou Yu's poison.
Zhuge Liang crossed his arms.
Zhou Yu and his backup dancers continued by singing in Korean.
"This is China. We don't speak Korean. 我听不懂。" Kongming scoffed.
"Yes, the Funk don't shine if we can't understand what you're saying." Ma Liang sighed.
Zhou Yu's face fumed with anger as Zhuge Liang snapped his fingers.
Ma Chao, Huang Zhong, Ma Su, and Xing Cai quickly scampered on stage.
Zhuge Liang grinned as he leapt to position.
"BURN, BABY!" "BURN!"
And Huang Zhong roared about a great flarestorm.
The song continued for a few lines, but veins bulged in Zhou Yu's forehead. "That's... That's just so... Cliche!"
He screamed as an old dance injury became inflamed, and Zhou Yu fell to the floor.
Tears fell from his eyes as he whispered his last. The beat would continue, forever.
All in attendance sat in silence.
"That... That was..." Guan Lu's eyes narrowed.
"Brilliant!" Zuo Ci cheered.
Guan Lu's eyes widened as a large form elegantly floated into the room.
"Your Performance was entertaining and unique, Lord Zhou Yu.
"Considering that Lady Cai Yan helped choreograph your moves in Jingzhou...
"The two of you are hereby vindicated. No charges will be filed."
"You can thank me later." Zhuge Liang smirked as he brushed off some glitter.
"However, Lord Cao Cao must make a second performance. He is charged alongside Guan Yu, as Master Yunchang's female reincarnation flirted with Mengde's reincarnation while he was in prison. Such unlady-like behavior canot be tolerated."
ACT II: Guan Yu Go-Karts through Five Passes
The next act consisted of Guan Yu flying past Cao Cao's men on horseback. As several of Cao Cao's men, such as Bian Xi, tried to smack him with large weapons, a simple bit of maneuvering allowed Guan Yu to fly past them.
"I don't even need a golden mushroom!" Guan Yu laughed.
As Zuo Ci's eyes narrowed, Cao Cao grinned. "It was my idea to give him a Go-Kart."
"As you both participated in the DISCO OF CHI BI, and we admit that the idea is actually clever, we hereby exonerate you two as well."
"You can thank us later." Zhou Yu smiled as he put his arms around Cai Yan and Sun Shangxiang's shoulders, with Xiao Qiao grudgingly cuddling up to him.
"Is it THAT easy?!" Jiang Wei laughed. "In that case..."
ACT III: DISCO OF THE OX-HEAD HILLS
"Han's Funk is the Supreme Funk!" Jiang Wei cried as the Wei army arranged itself against him.
On top of the famed Ox-Head Hills, the student of Zhuge Liang set up a giant stage, setting up the very same speakers as Zhuge Liang's in the famed Disco of Chi Bi.
As Guo Huai and Sima Yi's forces approached the Hills, they were greeted by a shirtless Jiang Wei who claimed that he moved like some jogger.
Which Guo Huai promptly countered by screaming that Boyue couldn't touch him, at the top of his lungs.
When faced with such a melody, the Shu army fled the field of battle.
Guan Lu and Zuo Ci crossed their arms.
"We could tolerate some references to songs, yes, but you just restated their idea. It cannot compare to the Disco of Chi Bi."
"We agree." A slip of paper floating by agreed.
"Copyright infringement is another crime, you know, and the bureaucracy does not take crime lightly." The two mystics glared at Jiang Wei.
"Um, Ma Su... He accompanied me on my missions. He was an enabler."
"Libel as well!" Zuo Ci scoffed.
"Good bye, Jiang Wei." Zuo Ci shook his head.
And, with that, Jiang Wei disappeared!
ACT IV: THE FALLING STAR-POINT at the WU ZHANG PLAINS
Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi set up a giant Go (Weiqi) board.
As he smirked at the heavens, Zhuge Liang gasped: "Zhongda, you have beaten me!"
And he slammed a white stone on the fourth star-point.
While some in the audience looked confused, Guan Lu and Zuo Ci, who played weiqi, glared at the pair angrily.
"I feel such a great pain in my chest for losing a board game!"
Sima Yi put on a shocked face. "Ah! My rival! So you shall fall like a star falling from the heavens, like that white stone falling on a star p- You know what? This is a horrible idea!"
"Well, I already cleared my debts with my skit with Zhou Yu. What do you have in mi-?"
ACT IV REMASTERED: ZHUGE LIANG SENDS SIMA YI A WONDERFUL DRESS
".. And with it, I feel beautiful." Sima Yi grinned as he wore the dress.
Zhuge Liang raised an eyebrow, carefully scrutinizing the dress he just gave him. "The embroidery is quite nice on this dress. It seems a bit too pricey for one such as you."
"But I can feel its beauty!"
"... Besides, it's not like Shu is loaded with money. I just gave you such a lovely dress, and you're not a woman! People may have the wrong idea about us."
"... This is strange. I wonder how a person can feel something visual? Well, no, people can feel like they want to vomit and actually vomit I suppose."
"So no, I don't love you, Zhongda!"
"Yet I thank you for such a lovely dress, Kongming!"
Both men turned away from their counterpoint with flushed cheeks.
"There!"
"Is that better?"
Both men crossed their arms.
Guan Lu and Zuo Ci just glanced at each other.
"Ha ha ha, well done!" The letter came, and both mystics threw up their hands in exasperation.
For the next few "Years", the other accused heroes of the Three Kingdoms made their own skits as Zhou Yu, Zhuge Liang, Sima Yi, and the people they saved ascended to the Great Beyond!
….
Or, perhaps more accurately, the author is out of ideas!
Author's Note: With respect to the bands Europe with this fic's title, Daft Punk's ballad of strength, speed, and being just better, the Korean band Secret's song about poison and love, the disco classic burning song by The Trammps, Maroon 5's rhythm about dance moves resembling a certain celebrity, the song about feeling beautiful from West Side Story, and of course MC Hammer's song resisting sexual assault.
… Please don't sue.