Title: Bad Day
A/N: Some time after movie events. Mal/River in established relationship.
Summary: A relationship between a Captain and a Reader has the potential for greatness. But there are always two sides to any coin. Mal and River keep fighting the same argument and, on a bad day, they fight it twice.
Disclaimer: I do not own Firefly, Serenity, Characters etc.
Mal had had a bad day. To list in his mind the components that had made it that way just depressed him, so he didn't bother. He was struggling to peel off his coat with aching muscles when he sensed someone at the entrance of his bunk. He turned to see River's feet climbing down the ladder and his first thought was 'Oh thank God.'
He had not been sure she would show tonight. She was more than likely still stinging from the half silent, but none the less intense argument they'd had that morning.
"Like a burning sun is a bruise under the skin," Her voice had blended with his dreams, as it often did. River's intonation had a tendency to be ethereal like that. Mal had opened one eye to see her propped up on her elbow next to him.
He had sworn lightly and grunted, "Uh oh." He knew that look.
"Can you please not be stubborn, just today. Swim."
He'd given her a sleepy laugh, "That's like telling a fish not to fly... no... right. Swim." He grunted at her, "Or like telling you not to get mad at me for things I ain't done yet. Something you'd like to say about the job today perhaps?"
She had returned his smile softly, "Let me come. I will follow orders - even the ones you don't speak if -."
"Like hell you will. Your whole purpose for comin' would be to not follow orders. You have got ulterior motives, girl." Mal had dragged himself out of bed and pulled on his pants.
"To protect you!" River cried.
Mal inclined his head in acknowledgment, but did not respond right away, found his shirt and shoved his arms into it. He looked down as he started buttoning the buttons, "Don't think I don't appreciate that fact but-" River was off the bed and in front of him in between blinks and he jumped. They'd been together long enough that he didn't swear every time she moved faster than a normal person should... and maybe, if he was lucky, they'd be together long enough that one day he wouldn't even flinch.
"The same logic, the same orders, you never hear me!"
"No, actually - thats the funny thing." Mal gave her a lopsided grin, "Seems whenever we have this argument you are the one that doesn't hear me-" He paused, pretending to think, "Maybe it's because you're too busy responding to thoughts that haven't even made it to my mouth yet."
"Some things don't need to be said - especially when they make no sense." River was looking for a fight, he knew. But he also knew it wasn't out of general orneriness but something she read that had disturbed her. Nonetheless, unwilling to be baited, Mal had sat down to pull on his boots, carefully keeping his mind totally occupied on the simple task - knowing full well it would annoy River to no end. She paced in front of him, murmured, "Childish tactics."
"Yeah, if that ain't calling the kettle black I don't know what is." Mal stood up, knowing any reference to their age difference was a blow below the belt. He took her hands in his to take away the sting of his words, "If you're going to fight with me, River, then have the decency to let me say my peace. If you already know that I ain't gonna do what you want - " Mal shrugged.
"Then have the decency not to argue with you about it before you've had your coffee." She responded by wrote.
Mal had nodded, letting go of her hands. River had stood very still for a long minute and Mal knew she was listening to something no other mind in the 'verse could hear - seeing the future, weighing the consequences of her choices. Then she'd given him that long look which meant, he knew, that though she didn't agree, she accepted there was no further point in persisting.
River had clenched her fists then backed away quickly toward the ladder, "Hey!" Mal rolled his eyes and threw her one of his shirts, "We don't need Jayne to have a heart attack first thing in the morning."
"I don't have to be a Reader to know that that would not be Jayne's response," River had grabbed the shirt and put it on over the slip she wore to sleep, "Protect your eyes. They are a very pretty shade of blue and I like them the way they are," She called as she climbed out.
It had been the first indication of the day to come. Now, sore and bone-tired, he kept his good eye on her as she glided toward him. Wary and not looking for a rebuke from his mate he didn't reach for her. River kept her lashes down - didn't asked any questions, nor offer any sympathy, instead simply helped him out of his coat then his shirt and sat on his bed. Mal turned and sat in the space she'd left in front of her, then dropped his head as she started moving her hands over his beaten muscles.
A wave of gratitude swept through him. He said nothing aloud, but did not attempt to veil his emotions. She would feel it, know it - it was a luxury that he knew she would sense his true feelings even when they were at odds on the surface.
Their relationship had hardly been an easy path to travel, and it was still new and mostly unspoken. A lot remained unspoken when you were intimate with a Reader; one of those things that had been both a blessing and a curse. He couldn't say he always handled it the best way - what with having to surrender to the idea that she couldn't block out his thoughts all the time. Some days he just pretended he didn't know. Some days he accepted it - used it to his advantage on a job or when he didn't know how to say what was burning in his chest.
Her touch was light, as if to emphasize that even in this way she would not take advantage - would not pressure him when he was weak. Her fingers caressed his skin, releasing a shiver of warmth.
The sounds of the ship sailing through the black mixed with the pleasant sensation humming through him thanks to River's touch as time gently melted away. Reluctantly Mal reached forward to pull his boots off. If he were the Reader, he thought, he'd make sure his boots were off before the session started.
If there were ever a hope he had in a day sailing in this verse, it was that each night would end like this. Well... his mind wandered to some of the other options on the table that were similarly satisfying.
He leaned his weight back against her frame, wanting to feel her body yield to his. He should have known it would backfire on a day like today. He should have watched his thoughts. But as it was, he wasn't at his best; he let his memory wander to happier nights without the bruises and the fighting.
She pinched his arm and Mal realized with a certain amount of resignation, his bad day wasn't quite over.
He swore, twisted away from her and met her eyes warily. She stared at the cut that had just missed his left eye, her mouth tense "I am not here to lay with you."
Mal hung his head to the side and leaned his back again towards his mate interrupting her plaintively, "Ok, fine. No problem. I'm okay with that."
"Please, if you would just let me- " Her voice was soft, plaintive, but Mal was too tired to let it move him.
"We've had this conversation, we've had it so many times we could have it silent. This that is between us, River," He motioned between them, "it can't complicate the fact that I'm Captain of this boat, no one endorses my decisions... I can't wear you like a parrot on my shoulder - my command would be in question."
"I have always honored that. I obeyed your order, I did not fight it."
"What exactly are you doin' now?"
"What I am always doing." Her eyes sparkled with fire as her voice dropped, heavy with emotion, "Trying to follow you, trying to surrender so that you will use me and not get your blue eyes ripped from us both."
"You can say it as sweet as you want, it doesn't change what it would mean." Mal gave up on his back rub and stood to look down at her, "Why does this keep coming up between us?"
"Because I spent three years as a torch to devils, Captain. And never once did I offer to show them what I am offering you."
Mal looked at her, youth in her face, impossible age in her eyes. She had not spoken much of her time at the Academy in the months they had been sleeping together or in all the time before- another thing unspoken was that it would come - her ability to share it - in bits and pieces. He understood that - respected it... Knew when he was being manipulated with it.
Mal crossed his arms over his chest, "You know, of all the maddening things you say to me, comparing me to those men is the one thing that just plain pisses me off every time."
"That's because you aren't listening. I am comparing you to them as one compares things that are opposite!" River held up her hands beseechingly, "I want to follow you. You make my life worth ten times more than it was destined to be - and thats not talking about what's between us here, in our hearts. You give me purpose and a place - a family I lost." River stood up slowly, stood toe to toe with him, "I would give you all the powers in my mind if you would just let me help."
"You call piloting my boat not helping? You call... being here ... being a mate to me not helping?" Mal softened his tone and searched her eyes, "You're asking me to put you in the front lines like I would Zoe or Jayne."
"Yes!" River interrupted, "And don't say their experience is more than mine - because-"
"Because its an argument you can't win?" Mal challenged her roughly, "You are trained, not experienced, River. You're asking me to expose you to things that I can't be sure..." Mal stopped, searching for words, "What they'll do to you."
"Do you think the black is always silent? Do you think I do not hear and see things from my chair?" She had less control of her mind-reading when she was angry - or perhaps less desire to stay behind the boundaries. She had already jumped ahead of him, sure of his intended argument... another thing that had taken some getting used to - fighting with both words and thoughts, whether he wanted to or not.
"No! But what you're seeing then is memory, echoes - not flesh and blood. What would you do if we go on a job and you find a thought that gets under your skin? What if its a murder of some woman, some child? You can see it and walk away? Just make the deal and walk?"
"Could you?" she shot back vehemently.
He shook his head, answered slowly, emphasizing each word, "No, no I couldn't. But I would not see it River." Mal let out a breath, "And thats why you've got to stay where I've got you... If you start controlling the 'verse you start accepting blame for it. There are dangers to you still out there that, for all your sight, you could still be blind to - ... I can't risk that bao bei. You know I can't -."
"Stuffing me away in a hole won't save me from danger." The distinct pull of her bottom lip put Mal in mind of how she been when she'd first come to him - to Serenity - still caught between girl and woman and assassin.
"I'm not stuffing you in a hole. And what I am doin', I ain't doin' just to protect you." He paused, knowing he was treading on sensitive ground, he touched a finger to her temple lightly, "You sure all those triggers they installed in you are gone, River?"
She set her jaw, "I can be of use."
"You are of use!" Mal turned away in frustration with a sudden urge to bang his head against the metal wall of his cabin. He whipped back around, a finger pointing at her accusingly, "They fed you this crap, River, and you ain't started realizing that yet. You ain't a weapon for me to wield just cuz I'm better than the guys who made ya. Hell, there aren't many that ain't better than them! I'm not saying I won't need you to break out those skills from time to time. I'm not saying that they aren't a part of the whole person now as they never ought to have been. I'm saying I'm not going to lay you down against every damn barrier I come across."
Mal sat heavily down on the bed, away from her, spoke to the side so that she could see half of his face, "You are my crew, you play a vital and specific role piloting this boat and warning me when someone's going to try to gauge my eye out with a ice-pick. And when I'm lucky, you are also the arms I lay down in. I know what you can do, bao bei. But sometimes... most of the time, actually, I like to indulge myself and treat you like a person instead of a tool."
Mal knew that the sudden quiet that surrounded them was deceptive. He knew she had absorbed every word he'd said and was shuffling them all around in that genius brain of hers. He waited, letting his mind reiterate how surely he believed his own argument.
Silently, River climbed back into the bed behind him and reached for his shoulders again. She closed her eyes at the quiet moan of pleasure the gesture inspired. She pushed him gently down to the bunk, "You've had a bad day, haven't you love?"
Mal nodded against his pillow, "Every damn day." Her touch was something he'd fought for a long time, and now he didn't know how to get through a day without it. The tension of their fight started bleeding out of him and the comfort she offered spread into the the void.
"You do it on purpose so I will feel sorry for you and want to soothe it away." She said with affection.
Mal nodded, halfway to sleep already, "Gorram right I do."
"And you have no apologies for it..." River said as she read his mind.
He shook his head, "Not a one."
River lay down next to him, pulled up the covers, cataloging cuts and bruises with gentle fingers. There were times he did wonder if being as close to her as he was made him more perceptive or just more imaginative, but he thought now that he could almost feel her process his argument, his challenge, the love inherent in his words. And, he thought he could feel the moment she relaxed, accepted the situation and finally let her mind calm.
River sighed, placed a lingering kiss on her lover's neck just so she could hear the contented growl in his throat through her lips, and then lay her head at the level of Mal's heart.
She filtered out the echoes and images that were so often on the edge of her awareness by concentrating fully on him. Listening to his breath as it evened and his soul as it rested; feeling the muscle of his arm against her stomach and the magnificent warmth of his chest against her cheek.
Slowly, deliberately, River found the drowsy part of her brain and indulged it, using the strong beats of his blood pulsing through his body to lull her, finally, to sleep.