Transformers—The Chuck Commentary

I'm bored, I'm suffering from some writer's block with my TFA fanfic., and, honestly, I'm a bit insane. I saw something like this in the Real Steel archive and, I don't know, I guess I just decided to do something for Transformers. Like I said, I'm a little insane. More than a little.

So the synopsis is that I'm gonna give you a run down of my thoughts and comments as I watch the Transformers movie. Some might actually be clever. But chances are that 99.9% of everything in here will be stupid, obvious, dumb-ass shit because I have a really weird sense of humor. I'm not asking you to like it—I'm not even asking you to read it. So you can turn away now and find something else. It'd be a whole lot better for your health—physical, mental, emotional, spiritual (okay, mostly mental)—if you did.

Are you guys gone yet? No? Wow, you must really be masochists! Well, if you're stickin' around, get your flames ready, because this is gonna be brutal for all eyes. Including mine. I bet you can already feel your IQ points dropping. Like mine do when I watch two minutes of Spongebob. Or Jersey Shore.

And just so we're all clear, I LOVE TRANSFORMERS!

On ward and upward!

(Ya know, if my fishing lure made that sound whenever I cast it into the water, I'd definitely go fishing twice as much.)

(Because I don't fish.)

(Like ever.)

(Dear God, Peter Cullen, I love your Optimus voice!)

(I get chills every time this opens!)

(Was I the only one that, when I first saw this, I thought that the landscape was actually Cybertron before they panned out and showed it to actually be the Cube?)

(Head on collision!)

(Head on collision again!)

(Die, asteroids, die!)

("But we were already too late.")

(Dun-dun...—wait for it—...dun!)

(I don't know about anybody else, but I'd try 'gator meat.)

(How bad could it be?)

(I'm with the guys; English, please, Fig!)

(I took two and a half years of Spanish in high school, and what do I have to show for it?)

(Bub-kiss.)

(Wanna see what I learned?)

(Watch Dora the Explorer.)

(25% of what's on there is the extent of my Spanish.)

(And that's from watching Dora as a kid, not taking the class.)

("I just can't wait to hold my baby girl for the first time.")

(Aw, Lennox, that's so sweet!)

(You're gonna make a great Daddy!)
(The rest of you guys, leave him alone!)

(Love the kiddie pools and floaties, guys.)

(Very masculine.)

(Lone helicopter, ominous music in the background.)

(Can anyone else say "DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!")

(Ya know, I'm not a really big fan of babies... but even I have to admit that that is one cute little girl.)

(And I'm probably just thinking that because I love Lennox.)

(Dude's awesome!)

(Does anybody else think that maybe the reason the baby's crying is because something bad's gonna happen?)

(Maybe she has ESP!)

(Yeah, I don't think you guys are gonna be killing anything...)

(Guys, it's a giant robot!)

(You can't take it out, just run!)

(For the sake of your fuckin' skins, just run!)

(Run, Epps, run!)

(Move your little beret wearing ass!)

(It's raining tanks!)

(BE AWARE, MEN!)

(BE AWARE!)

(Blackout does not like paparazzi!)

(He also does not like being shot at!)

(Well there goes the whole airfield.)

(Thanks, Blackout.)

(Now taxpayers have to pay for that!)

(This is why people hate Decepticons!)

(Oh, yay, we go from one hell hole to another.)

(High school.)

(Yeah, okay, dude, they're high schoolers.)

(They don't give a shit what you say about responsibility.)

(And while we're here, what is with the bow-tie?)

(My teachers never looked like this guy.)

(Am I the only one that thinks that 'Archibald' is a very unfortunate name to have?)

(It's right up there with 'Myrtle'.)

(No offense to anyone out there.)

(Um, hey, Archie, why are you the only one not working to get the boat of this ice?!)

("We'll get to the Arctic Circle, lads!")

(Yeah, no thanks to you!)

(This is like my class was.)

(They're immature and they laugh at everything.)

(And, teach, the 'quiet' sign ain't gonna make 'em shut up.)

("Are you going to sell me his liver?")

(Don't think they're aren't creeps out there who wouldn't pay big bucks for it, dude.)

(One man's moldy, mummified entrails is another man's gold.)

(Or, if you're Hannibal Lecter, main course.)

(He also takes euros, bit coin, the British pound, and Whose Line is it Anyway? points.)

(But I digress.)

(Sam, you're not gonna be an auctioneer.)

(Oh yeah.)

(Real tear-jerker of a story you got there, Sammy boy.)

(I'm bawlin' my eyes out over here.)

(I'd just give you the A to make you shut up.)

(Which the teacher does!)

(I so wanna do that to my kids when they get their first car!)

(How awesome would that be?)

("Here, Billy, you're getting a Porsche.")

("Psyche!")

(My kids are gonna hate me.)

(FYI, I would not name any of my kids 'Billy'.)

(No, Sam, you're wrong.)

(It is a funny joke.)

(XDD)

(Does nobody realize that the Camaro that's driving with it's windows down has no driver in the seat?!)

("I'm hot! Make-up's melting. Hurts my eyes.")

(XDDD)

(Get's me every fucking time!)

(I love this guy!)

(I've never seen 40 Year Old Virgin.)

(Bobby... that may not be the best way to introduce yourself to people.)

(It might actually scare them off.)

(Hence why your business sucks.)

("Son, I'm a lot of things, but a liar's not one of them.")

(You're a used car salesman.)

(Lying is part of your job description isn't it?)

(But I have to say that I like Uncle Bobby B.)

(If only for his laugh.)

(Sam, if I didn't know that 'Bee was there, I'd say you'd be better off buying the ostrich and riding it around instead.)

(At least you can actually race those and make money.)

("Don't go Ricky Ricardo on me, Manny!")

(Isn't that just the teeniest bit racist?)

(Oh, no...)

(I've become one of those wussy people!)

(O_O')

("Feels good.")

(This line alone is why we have to deal with the plague of Transformers slash fics today.)

(Damn you, Michael Bay.)

(Damn you.)

(Custom faded?)
(I don't know a whole lot about cars, but even I know that's a load of bullshit.)

(That bug is not a beaut.)

(It's a butt is what it is.)

(An ugly-ass one that needs to get kicked!)

(Sorry, G1 Bumblebee, but it's true.)

(And 'Bee does kick the butt!)

(With Uncle Bobby B inside!)

(Go Bumblebee!)

(And again with the laugh!)

(I love this guy's laugh!)

(XDD)

(Exploding glass!)

(Hit the deck!)

(Lesson learned:)

(Don't piss off Bumblebee.)

(His temper tantrums are not pretty.)

("I am so under-dressed.")

(Yeah, you are.)

(But who cares?)

(Suits and ties are over-rated anyway.)

(Then again I'm a girl, so you might not wanna take my advice on the matter.)

(Is anybody else wondering how Mojo broke his leg?)

(Sam has fish!)

(Why don't we ever get to meet his fish?)

(We get to meet his crackhead dog.)

(Why not his fish?)

(Fish have feelings too, ya know!)

(I would make a comment here about how he talks in the mirror.)

(But I'd be a hypocrite, so...)

("I do not like footprints on my grass.")

(And as he says this he throws his little pruning sheers down into it.)
(Causing more damage than Sam's feet.)

(Wow, Ron.)

(Wow.)

(Classy, 'Bee.)

(Guys, watch the shifting sand!)

(The shifting sand!)

(Wait, so this kid lives on a mountain?)

(So, why was he miles away at Soccent Air Base?)
(I'm confused!)

(Sam, just because it's public property, it does not mean that you're invited.)

("Just don't do anything weird, all right?")

(And Miles runs right up to a tree and starts climbing around like a monkey.)

(So much for not doing anything weird.)

(Crap!)

(That's gotta hurt!)

("What's it about? Sucking at sports?")

(Lamest.)

(Comeback.)

(Ever.)

(But then again, he is a jock, and they're usually pretty pathetic in movies so...)

(Now that, Sam, my friend, is a great comeback.)

(I applaud you.)

(Probably the main reason why I liked you in this movie.)

(If you'd have had epic lines in the others, I might've liked you in those too.)

(How does Miles not have a head-rush?)

(But I have to say, props for the dismount.)

(With flip-flops.)

(I couldn't do that wearing tennis shoes.)

(No, Trent, she won't be calling you.)

(Because you're a DOUCHE-BAG.)

(Capitals all the way through.)

(Miles, the car has a frickin' door!)

(Use it!)

(Damn it, I love 'Bee!)

(He's the soundtrack man!)

("Hey, man, what's wrong with your radio?")

(I dunno, Miles, what's wrong with you?)

(Oh yeah, that's right, you're a guy wearing flip-flops.)

(And that's doesn't even make the top twenty list of things that are wrong with you.)

("I was wondering if I could ride you home.")

(Can anyone say "Freudian Slip"?)

(It's okay, Mikaela, a lot of girls have that weakness.)

(I'm a tomboy and even I suffer from it.)

(Oh yeah, Sam.)

(Flexing your arm as you show off the light and disco ball.)

(Yeah, that's not transparent at all.)

(They've been in school together since first grade.)

(They have like four classes together.)

(And she still doesn't know who he is?)

(Ouch.)

(Really, 'Bee?)

(Really?)

(Sam, shut up!)

(I wonder how many guys' pants get tight when they watch this scene.)

(On second thought, I'd rather not know.)

("My dad was a real grease monkey.")

(I don't care for that term.)

(I mean, I don't know a lot of monkeys that could fix an engine.)

(Seinfeld reference, people.)

(Come on!)

("I'm cool with females working on my engine. I prefer it actually.)

(Big fat innuendo.)

(Oh my gosh, Sam.)

(You did not just ask her why she has a douche-bag for a boyfriend.)

(What a jerk!)

("I think there's a lot more than meets the eye with you.")

(Hmm, I wonder where they got that from?)

(Am I the only one that doesn't think that of all the things he could've said, that really wasn't a stupid line?)

(I mean, yeah it was cliché as hell, but I liked it.)

(Air Force One is nice.)

(But Ed Force One is epic!)

(Look it up, people.)

(I'm not explaining everything to you.)

(Because a random boom box in the elevator on Air Force One doesn't set any alarm bells off?)

(They call those little cakes 'Ding Dongs'.)

(I lovingly refer to them as 'Hockey-pucks'.)

(I like my nickname better.)

(Does anybody else think Frenzy is having a continuous seizure?)

(Or maybe even has turrets?)

(That's why I call him 'Twitch'.)

(Or maybe he's having an orgasm.)

(Who knows?)

(Somebody has anger issues.)

(Frenzy's right out in the middle of the tarmac!)

(How the hell does nobody see him?!)

(Flattering picture, Sam.)

(Sam, why the hell would you think that anybody would wanna steal your old junker?)

(I mean, I would.)

(But that's just because I know that it's a giant alien robot.)

(And I want it!)

(If my car did that, I'd be in heaven.)

(But with hope my car will do that.)

(Once I actually get a car.)

(Hey, I can dream, can't I?)

(So much for chaining the dogs to a brick wall!)

(Yeah, get on top of the crates because it's not like the dogs can't jump up there, Sam!)

(Dude, your car is an alien.)

(He doesn't need the keys to drive himself.)

(Why give him the keys?)

(Sam, I don't think they meant for you to put your head on the hood that hard.)

(I like this girl.)

(She has spunk, guts, and brains.)

(Don't you guys get it?!)

(This thing you're fighting is not from Earth!)

(Listen to her!)

("Look I can't be any clearer on how crystal clear I am being.")

(Wow.)

(That's really clear.)

(This cop freaks me out.)

(And to answer Sam's question, all signs point to 'yes'.)

(Lennox, watch your back!)

(Ooh, skewered!)

(That's a bitch!)

(Are you kidding me?)

(Lennox is out in the middle of the damn desert and he has service.)

(I live where there's two cell phone towers only ten miles or so away on either side of me and I can't get service worth shit!)

(How fucked up is that?!)

(Hey, nose picker, shut the hell up and do as the soldier says!)

("Left cheek! Left cheek! Left cheek!")

(Gets me every time!)

(XDDDD)

(Because you can't hear the fire-fight in the background?)

(Are you seriously that much of an idiot?!)

("Man if you'd seen this shit...")

(You'd probably shit your pants.)

(I would.)

(I hate Scorponok!)

(I HATE SCORPONOK!)

(So even after all that, Scorponok is still alive and plowing through the dunes of Qatar?)

(If is wasn't already official it is now.)

(I'm never going to the Middle East!)

(That's not a good idea, Maggie.)

(You work for the NSA, you know they'll find out!)

("This is my private area; my place of Zen and peace.")

("Glen! Who is it?!")

("Shut up, Grandma!")

(Yeah.)

(This place just radiates with Zen and peace.)

(The sad thing is, this guy is a better dancer than me.)

(Not even lying, people.)

(Not even lying.)

(Glen has a sign on his door that says 'Caution: Hazardous waster storage'?)

(Considering it's a guy's room that does seem appropriate.)

(If you catch my drift...)

(Glen has a girlier scream than I do!)

(And I'm a girl!)

(Crash through the glass door!)
(Classic!)

("Get off my grandmama's carpet! She don't like nobody on her carpet! Especially police!")

(Yet again, gets me every fuckin' time!)

(XDDDDDD)

(And that's why there's the expression "don't cry over spilled milk".)

(Sam... you had a bike before you got the car right?)

(If so, I don't think you shoulda sold it.)

('Bee, you cannot drive on the sidewalk!)

(That... has got to hurt!)

("I'm losing my mind a little bit.")

(This is the first time?)

(The car reads 'to punish and enslave'.)

(I don't think it's the cops, Sam.)

(Ooh!)

(That's gotta hurt even worse!)

(What I wanna know is what full grown woman has a pink bike with streamers and a basket on it?)

(But then again this is Judy Witwicky we're talking about here.)

(I don't know what I'd do in Sam's position.)

(I'd either scream and run like he does.)

(Or I'd pass out from the epicness.)

(Even if it was a Decepticon.)

(Yes, Sam, it's a bad dream.)

(And this bad dream is gonna kick your ass in real life!)

("What is your problem, Sam?")

(Oh, well, we could get into that, but with Barricade right behind you, I really don't think that we have the time!)

("Sam, what is that thing?")

(The most perfect specimen of sheer epicness if there ever was one!)

(Crap, I love this movie's music!)

(Sam, you just said that you weren't gonna die!)

(The hell, man?!)

(Go die, Frenzy!)

(Nobody likes you!)

(Nobody!)

(Sam, just got pants'd by a robot.)

(That's extremely weird.)

(And yet kinda cool at the same time.)

(Why doesn't Frenzy just die?!)

("What is it?")

(I just told you, Mikaela, the most epic thing ever!)

(Oh, yeah.)

('Bee's totally Japanese.)

("You are the strangest boy I have ever met.")

(Yes, well, that really goes without say.)

(Well, technically to Bumblebee, you guys are the aliens.)

(That was a smooth move, Sam.)

(Very smooth.)

(Kudos.)

(Mikaela!)
(If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.)

(Especially when it's about a giant alien robot!)

('Bee still looks awesome.)

(But I have to say, I did like the more classic look.)

(He just needed to fuse this new paint job with the older look as well as take the modern radio and stuff with it.)

(Then that would be a wicked sweet Camaro.)

('Bee, the sign said 'no trespassing'.)

(Hell yeah, it's cooler than Armageddon!)

(You just don't know the reason why!)

(Is there even such a thing as 'asteroid insurance'.)

(I'd be interested in finding out.)

(Ratchet.)

(Jazz.)

(No, kid, he's not the tooth fairy.)

(He's way cooler!)

(Ironhide.)

(And my main Autobot:)

(Optimus Prime.)

(Pure.)

(Poetic.)

(Epicness.)

(I will never, ever, ever, in a million years, get tired of watching Optimus transform.)

(And I will never tire of that voice.)

(*sighs dreamily*)

("We've learned Earth's languages through the World Wide Web.")

(Where the hell were you guys when I was taking Spanish?!)

(I coulda used you!)

("You feelin' lucky, punk?")

(He won't in a minute.)

("The boy's pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.")
(And that would be why Sam no longer feels lucky.)

(It's alive!)

(It's aliiiive!)

(Glen, you are such a fountain of over-flowing knowledge.)

(Teach me how to be like you.)

(*snorts*)

(Eating the whole plate of donuts, does not mean you're not guilty.)

(It just means you're a donut hog!)

(So much for playing it calm and cool.)

("Hey, man, I'm still a virgin.")

(Yeah, well so am I.)

(Whats that got to do with anything?)

(Does nobody it that neighbor think it's weird that a badass Peterbilt, a smokin' Camaro, and sweet Corvette, an awesome Topkick, and a Hummer are driving through the streets, single-file, late at night?)

(Sorry, Ratchet, I couldn't come up with an adjective for you.)

(No, Prime, stay down!)

(Stay down!)

("Sorry. My bad.")

(I love it when he sounds so human!)

(*squeals*)

(I'm a fangirl, all right?)

(Sue me!)

(Sam, they're adult alien robots.)

(You're an adolescent human.)

(By definition they don't have to listen to you.)

(So do you really think that they will.)

(If it was Justin Bieber he was holding, I'd give you the go ahead, 'Hide.)

(But I like dogs.)

(So no, you can't terminate.)

(Am I the only one that thinks a giant robot saying "Bad Mojo" is utterly hilarious?)

(XDD)

(So the fate of Earth is in the hands of this kid?)

(We're fucked.)

("My moped's under there man? Who's gonna pay for that?")

(Well, if you're on the welfare system, technically taxpayers are.)

("Oops.")
(Damn, Optimus, I cannot get enough of you!)

(XDDDDDDD)

(Samuel James Witwicky.)

(Also known as:)

(The Cybertronian Migrane.)

(Sam, you stammering idiot, shut the fuck up and look!)

(Ratchet, power lines!)

("How did you get over there so fast?")

(Fat joke, anyone?)

(Ratchet... I'm worried about you...)

(Does anybody else think that scene looks just the littlest bit like some sort of horror movie?)

('Cuz I do.)

(But then, I'm sorta warped in the head so...)

("You know the rules. No doors locked in my house!")

(Then why is there a lock on his door?)

(Wouldn't it just be easier to enforce the rule if there wasn't a lock on his door to begin with?)

(I can't blame Sam.)

(If my parents were at my door with a baseball bat I wouldn't open the door either.)

(O_O)

(OH MY PRIMUS, MY EARS!)

(I think I'm gonna be sick...)

(Poor, Mikaela!)

(I can only wonder what the 'Bots must be thinking.)

("I don't masturbate!")

(Uh-huh, right, sure you don't, Sam.)

("You don't have to call it that word if it makes you uncomfortable. You can call it 'Sam's Happy Time'.")

(I don't know about anybody else, but that makes me feel even more uncomfortable than the other word.)

(*shudders*)

("I'm sorry. It's just been a weird night. I've had a little bit to drink.")

(And somehow that makes it okay for you to talk about something like that?!)
(I don't think so, Judy!)

(How does Ron not hear Optimus when he goes "Whoa!"?)

(How is jumping the the bathtub going to protect you during an earthquake?)

(I mean, I'm from Nebraska, so I'm not an earthquake expert, but isn't the point of protecting yourself from an earthquake is to get in a doorway or underneath a table or something?)
(That why you don't get crushed if the ceiling comes down or something like that?)

(How does Ron not see Optimus?)

(He's, like, right there!)

(You're not very good at hiding, boss 'Bot.)
(Just sayin'.)

(I'm with Ironhide.)

(Sorry, Prime.)

(Mikaela steps in to save the day.)

(Imagine that.)

(IT'S MEN IN BLACK!)

("You're mom's so nice.")

(Yeah.)

(And wacko.)

(Simmons, you freak!)

(Stop peeping through people's mail slots!)

(That's how you acquire a restraining order.)

("We're the government. Sector Seven.")

("Never heard of it.")

("Never will.")

(Um, I hate to break it to you, Simmons, but...)

(HE JUST DID!)

(How hard is it to say 'Witwicky'?)

(I mean, seriously?)

("May I enter the premises, sir?")

(If it were my house I'd be like:)
("No you may not. My property. I don't know who the fucking hell you are. And if you wanna make it outta here alive and in one piece, I suggest you and your little MIB roleplayers pack your shit up and go home before I bring out my dad's M16.")

(Okay, I probably wouldn't say that.)

(But I'd be thinking it...)

(Go Judy!)

(Beat the ever-livin' out of 'em!)

("Is your name Sam?")

("Yeah.")

(Sam, ya shouldn't have said that.)

(You shoulda said: "No, my name's Filbert.")

(That would've thrown 'em off the trail!)

("... your little Taco Bell dog...")

(That's a tiny bit racist...)

(And surprisingly accurate.)

(Wait... ARWIN?!)

(Arwin Hochauser?)

(From Suite Life?)

(Mind blown!)

(Not really—this is like the hundredth time I've seen the movie.)

(But the first I ever watched this I was.)

(Why do they need such a long pole to walk Mojo on?)

(He's a Chihuahua!)
(Not a pitbull!)

("This is a do-whatever-I-want-and-get-away-with-it badge.")

(And that's what lots of stuck up rich kids call their last names and birth certificates.)

("Criminals are hot.")

(Pervert alert!)

(Stranger danger!)

(STRANGER DANGER!)

(Boom!)

(Slammed into by giant robot foot!)

(Most awesome car crash ever!)

("It's big! It's big!")

(No shit, Sherlock.)

(Who needs the Jaws of Life when you got Optimus Prime?)

(If I'm ever in a car crash and have to be cut out of the car, that's how I wanna be saved.)

(Giant alien robot in blue and red flames ripping the roof off my car.)

(Hell yeah, man!)

(How does Sam know that he and Optimus are friends?)

(Did he ask him if they were friends?)

(I don't think so.)

(Sam, stop making assumptions.)

(They only make asses out of you and me.)

("Get out of the car.")

(Ooh, he sounds pissed.)

(I'd definitely do as he says.)

(…)

(What came popping out of 'Bee's groin before he peed all over Simmons?)

(Second thought, don't tell me.)

(Simmons, what do you wanna keep your clothes on for anyway?)

(They have Autobot piss all over them.)

(I don't know about anybody else, but I think the S7 shirts are kinda cool.)

(I'd take one.)

(Nice underwear, Simmons.)

(Optimus, why don't you transform and take the kids with you that way?)

(Guys, how the hell do you lose something that big and epic?)

(Nice save, Bumblebee!)

(YOU JERKS!)

(LEAVE BUMBLEBEE ALONE!)

(In all honesty, I could think of worst aliens that could invade us.)

(At least these can turn into sweet machines.)

(Maggie, how the heck can you wear those heels?!)

("I bought a car. Turned out to be an alien robot. Who knew?")

(I did!)

(Poor, 'Bee!)

("Why are we fighting to save the humans? They're a primitive and violent race.")

(Wow, okay.)

(I'll try to not be offended, Ironhide.)

(Optimus, you are so amazingly noble.)

(Damn, I love you!)

(I am putty in your hands.)

(Ya know, I mentioned this in a history blog once.)

(I was talking about the Hoover Dam and at the end I put:)

("Also, it was created to house Megatron and the AllSpark.")

(I got a 100% on it.)

(Boom, baby!)

(Hey, for the record, Wolverine rocks!)

(Oh, he's more than a little strange, Defense Secretary Keller.)

(Enter the Giant Dorito of Doom!)

(Frenzy seriously needs to get on decaf.)

(Like I said.)

(Lennox is awesome!)

(And so is the rest of his team!)

(Shit, we're dead.)

(We are so dead!)

(Why does Starscream have a bird face?)

("You fail me yet again, Starscream.")

(And this is surprising how exactly?)

(You need mikes, Simmons!)

(How the hell else did you think you were gonna communicate?!)

(Leave it to the girl to save the day.)

(Again!)

(Whip it around, bug guy!)

(OMP, guys, get your minds out of the gutter!)

("What the hell was that?")
(That was the sound of you getting majorly screwed.)

(These poor saps on the freeway.)

(Today is just not their day.)

(Yes, kid, it is cool!)
(Wicked cool!)

(Don't fuck with Optimus, Bonecrusher.)

(Damn it, Frenzy!)

(I hate you!)

(Just die already!)

(DIE!)

(Which he does!)

(So... would that be considered unintentional suicide?)

(How are they gonna mind wipe all these people?)

(Hey, Furbies!)

(Ooh, beautiful, dramatic shot.)

(Bumblebee, no!)

(He just can't catch a break can he?)

(I would still love to get a tank to drive around in.)

(That would be so awesome.)

(Robots fighting.)

(Absolute epicness.)

(Jazz!)

(No!)

(All right, Sam.)

(Time to man up!)

(Don't fuck with Mikaela, Lennox.)

(Run like a man, Sam!)

(Run!)

(Yes!)

(Optimus is on the scene!)

(Ouch...)

(Damn is, Starscream!)

("Give me that cube, boy.")

(No fucking chance in hell!)

(Yeah, bitch, that jerk just dented your car.)

(And because you're a bitch I hope that thing rips your brain out.)

(But all things considering you should be fine.)

(If you know what I'm sayin'.)

(Mountain Dew just turned evil!)

(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

("You're not gonna get me! You're not gonna get me!")

(Sam, just because you make it your mantra does not mean that it won't come true.)

(Sorry.)

(Mikaela, now is not a time to cry!)

(Hot damn!)

(This is why I love this chick!)

(She's fuckin' awesome!)

(It was a sad day when she and Sam were no longer a thing.)

(Optimus, but you could learn a thing or two from Batman about running across roof tops.)

(You're still totally hot and epic though!)

(Personally, I would rather die than live to be Megatron's pet.)

(That would be hell on Earth.)

(Nice save, boss 'bot!)

(Traffic jam!)

("Disgusting.")

(That's the same thing I do when bugs are on my body.)

(Megatron, could you possibly get more arrogant?)

(One of the most epic movie battles ever!)

(Lennox, you are awesome!)

(I fucking hate the Giant Dorito of Doom!)

(Took you long enough to figure it out, Sammy boy.)

(Oh, Optimus.)

(You sound so sad.)

(It makes me wanna cry.)

( :'( )

(Aww, Jazz.)

( :'( )

(So how can Bumblebee talk at the end of this movie, but can't in the other ones?)

(Once again, I'm confused!)

(And this is why I say the Megalodon mystery is actually Megatron.)

(He's malicious.)

(He's got really sharp teeth.)

(He's big.)

(We all know he comes back to life.)

(And he's in the sea.)

(How can it not be?)

(Yay, Lennox gets to hold his baby girl for the first time!)
(And Ironhide gets to go home with him!)

(I can't say it enough.)

(I love Prime's voice!)

(And Linkin Park rocks!)

("I think that if there was some sort of an alien infestation the government would let us know.")

(Yeah.)

(Right.)

("That how we know that we live in a free land because there's no secrets.")
(Ha!)

(Right!)

("Your head is kind of a different size than it is on television.")

(Judy.)

(Have you been drinking again?)

(And while we're on it, Steve Jablonsky is epic too.)

(I have all the Transformers movie soundtracks and I love them!)

All right, so that's it, you guys. Thanks for putting up with me through out this. Sorry I freaked you all out and annoyed you, but if you read through this whole thing when I warned you and told you that you didn't have to it's basically your own fault. XDDD You can comment if you want to. Or not. It makes no difference to me either way.

Now that I've written this thing I actually do feel a creative flow for TFA, so maybe I can actually get that done now. Yay! And by the way, I get to sing the National Anthem tomorrow for our community parade, so wish me luck. :)

Okay, bye!

Autobots, transform and roll on out of here! *jumps in Optimus and squeals away*