Title: I Have To Remind Myself To Breathe
Summary: I sit here, pretending I'm okay. Pretending that I can actually breathe. She was my best friend. Now she's dead.
Summer tells us of the pain and realization she's come to due to Marissa's death.
A/N: One-shot. Random idea I had the other day while I was lying on my couch sick. Anyway, please read and review!!
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I sit here and I wonder what the hell I did wrong? Did I do something so bad, that I should deserve this cruel punishment? I don't know how I could've. I don't know how anyone could have done something so wrong as to deserve this. I don't deserve this. None of us do. But this isn't about what I do and don't deserve. It's about how I have to live the rest of my life wondering how Marissa's life would have turned out. How our lives would have turned out.
In case you don't know what I'm talking about, I have the misfortune to tell you. A few months ago, my best friend's life was ripped away. Hearts were torn about. Dreams were shattered. Her family, torn apart within a fraction of a second. Does that seem fair?
And then there's me. I sit here, pretending I'm okay. Pretending that I know everything will get better. Pretending that I don't cry anymore. Pretending that I can get through the day. Pretending I can actually breathe. But I can't. She was my best fucking friend.
Now she's dead.
The pain her death inflicted on my life is unbearable. I'm fucking everything up. There's my school work, which seems to be building and building into a huge hill that I don't think I'll ever be able to climb. There are all the other friends I have, too. But they don't even compare. They'll never be Marissa. They couldn't be. And then, of course, there's Seth. The only boy who I ever loved, and I'm so close to just ruining it all.
Everything we did to get to the point we're at in our relationship. And it's about to come crashing down, slap me harder then I could ever imagine and proceed to laugh in my face. All the while I'll be helpless. I won't be able to do anything about it. That just kills. It kills to think that as every second ticks by and I don't do anything to salvage my relationship, makes everything worse. And I'm so goddamn sorry about it.
I'm sorry that I lie to Seth about how I'm feeling. I'm sorry that he sees right through it, but won't say anything because he knows I'd rather suffer in silence. I'm sorry that I lie to myself. I don't want to suffer in silence. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to break something. But I can't and I won't.
It's just that everything I thought I knew came crashing down. And harder then I could have ever even thought. I wish now, as I look back, that I hadn't wasted so much time like I did. Because I know now that every single minute you let fly by is one less minute you have. I realize now that you only have a certain time here. There's no such thing as "living on borrowed time". When your time is up, you die. Just like that. No ifs, buts or maybes. You just do. And I wish I knew that earlier. I wish I knew that before Marissa left. I just wish… I wish so many things. There are so many things I wish I could make right. So many things that I'll never be able to make right. There are so many things I'll never be able to do.
You know, I remember when Marissa and I were just little kids. We used to think we do anything. We were invincible. Our thoughts continued into high school. We were still invincible and could conquer anything. Sure, there were road blocks along the way. Nothing that we hadn't overcome though.
All of sudden, that changed. We can't overcome this. Marissa won't come back. As much as I want her to, she won't. As much as I cry, she won't.
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These tears still burn my eyes. They're not gone. I haven't gotten over it. I think people expect that I should have. But how the fuck do you get over the death of your best friend? I mean, really? If you have the answer, by all means, tell me. I'd just love to hear it. I'd love to know how the get over my best friend dieing.
I'm still lying to Seth. And it scares me. It scares me to think I'll lose him because of it.
I'm scared that he'll think I'm being selfish. Maybe I am. I don't even know. Maybe I'm too caught up in my own confusion to realize my own actions. I'm scared, though, that he'll get fed up with me. Scared he'll find someone else.
Someone who isn't so emotionally draining. Someone who doesn't find a way to bring everyone down. I'm afraid he'll find someone who's more like the old me.
How I wish to God I could be like I used to be. No, let me refract that statement. I wish to God things could be like they used to.
I want it to be the way it used to be. I want Marissa and me to spend all of our spare time shopping and gossiping and laying on the beach or by my pool. Anything. Just to have her back.
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I replay the memories in my mind so many times that it seems that they've run dry. It's as if they're letters and I've read them so many times that it seems I've sucked all the ink out of them. I've sucked every single detail out of all the memories we share.
I know that I shouldn't be stuck on this. I shouldn't put my life on hold. I can't help it. It's easier. It's easier then trying to move on. It's easier then admitting to Seth, and even more so, myself that it's time to go on.
I'll never in a million years forget about Marissa and the times we've shared. I'll never be able to replace her either. I don't want to, though. Not even for a second. I won't deny or dirty up her memory. Never.
But I now realize she doesn't want me to wallow forever about her. She wants me to work things out in my mind. She wants me to make the most out of life. She wants me to go up to Seth right now and explain everything. She wants him to help me heal and get better. And truth be told, I'm not going to deny her of any of this. I'm going to live my life. I don't want to regret anything.
But before I do anything else I have to this. Marissa, if you can hear me, which I know for a fact you can, I want you to know that I have a lot to thank you for. You've made me realize a lot without even being here or saying anything.
I'm not over your death, and I never will be. But at least now, I can breathe.
The End.
Or rather, for Summer, the beginning.
I kind of like. I wrote it in less than an hour, so I hope it's good. Please comment and let me know. Thank you.