Title: Romance Reform

Author: HavenHikari

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is not mine. Disney owns Sora and company and Square owns their characters. By the way, while you were looking away Disney bought your soul on ebay, wow eh? It wasn't even listed yet.

Rating: T for timbits. Or teen. Whatever.

Summary: Sora says "Screw you heartache" and leaves Riku to figure things out. While Sora's trying to live up the single life, Riku has 'hired' Selphie to help him shape up to get Sora back. Of course, it comes at a price, Riku has to play match-maker and help Selphie gain confidence in herself. While Sora's trying to get back in the dating game he enlists Cloud to help him but Cloud has his own problems with his babysitter.

Author's Note: You could hate me for not posting DiVE but then I'd cry. I'm a good crier. I swear I'll do it! holds a gun to her own head and takes herself hostage a la Blazing Saddles She'll do it! She's crazy!

Category: Romance... thing. Fiction. Thing. Yeah.

Feedback: never see it, heard of it though.

Chapter One: Ex-Boyfriend

"I'm leaving," Sora Uehara said. His usual emotion-filled voice was replaced by a hollow voice that only echoed the disappointment and regret hidden by a note of finality. He glanced over his shoulder and looked back at Riku Fukuda. The older boy was sitting on the bed, shirt half off. Sora shook his head slightly and walked out the door. Riku was yelling now but he ignored him.

He was not going to fall for this again. Too many times Riku's pleading and smooth talk had led him back, or, usually, stopped him from getting up to leave. But, far too many times, Riku's philandering and lying had pushed Sora to the edge. Whenever Sora asked for only love from Riku, all he received was doubt in those aqua eyes. He had had enough of all of it. His second journal of the year was full of heartache and the phrase 'I thought he'd changed'. All the good never weighed out the bad.

"Sora?" Takara, Riku's mother, gave Sora a concerned look, mostly because Riku was still yelling upstairs. She could hear him about to thunder down the hall. She reached out for Sora, but he flinched away from her touch. He was focusing on putting his shoes on. He glanced up at her just as he opened the door.

"Could you tell Riku that this is going to be a lesson he's going to have to learn the hard way? Alone," He could hear Riku stumbling down the stairs and he wanted to get away from that house and away from Riku as quickly as he could. Sora grabbed his coat, and, shrugging off Riku's hand as the boy reached out to stop him, he left.

Sora walked down the streets to his house and promptly collapsed on his bed. He felt like crying but his eyes weren't complying with that attitude. He wanted to scream, but his voice was hoarse and, whenever he tried to get up and run around, his body pulled him right back down on the bed. He rubbed his eyes after an hour of brooding and picked up the phone. He had to tell someone what he had just done.

"Well, it's over," Sora stated over the phone after dialing the number. He was quite certain they'd understand what exactly he was talking about. He sighed and forced himself to sit up on his bed for the upcoming conversation.

"For how long this time, hmm?" Kairi's voice said in a tone of disbelief. It was the second time this month that Sora had started a conversation like this. She wasn't ready to believe him until he proved this was something to talk about.

"No. It's over. Completely. I walked out on him this afternoon, Kairi. I... Riku's my ex-boyfriend," Sora sniffled slightly and felt the tears finally welling up in his eyes. Saying the fact out loud was hard, and really had the finality Sora never thought he'd have to say with Riku. He really thought Riku would have changed even just a bit to be considered human. He sobbed for a moment before Kairi could get a word in.

"Oh, Sora, it'll be okay. As your friend, I will get you through this with movie nights, makeovers and rants about how crappy Riku was anyway. Then, we'll get you back in on the dating world," Kairi proclaimed, keeping a concerned but upbeat tone. She knew this had been coming and had been planning for the disastrous break-up.

"You've been reading that break-up book again haven't you?" he sighed slightly. He was almost sorry for buying it for her birthday. He'd thought it was funny, but here it was being used against him. Sora was sure there had to be laws against presents being used against the giver.

"Of course! I've memorized it! It's a great book and I will now be able to stop you from making mistakes during this time that grown women make!" Kairi shouted with a strange enthusiasm. Sora could hear her jumping on her bed, getting out her energy. "You will not become obsessive and crazy!"

"Unlike you," Sora mumbled to himself. What was worse? Getting back together with Riku and dealing with that emotional turmoil or putting up with Kairi trying to get him back out into the dating world?

"Huh? What'd you say?" Kairi questioned, then shrugged it off. "Never mind. We'll get together tonight for a movie session and we'll go over your possessions to root out anything left of Riku in your life." She was already planning a night that involved zombie movies and dill pickle flavoured popcorn.

"You do realize he's still my friend right?" Sora asked, concerned about the extreme measures that he knew Kairi was coming up with.

"What? Really? Don't be weak Sora! You don't need him! He's just going to hurt you and you'll be miserable! You need to break free," Kairi chastised. He could hear her leafing through her book.

"Kairi, I'm sixteen and I've known Riku since I was, like, born. We've gone to the same school and we've had the same friends even before we got together!"

"You're almost sixteen, Sora. You're still fifteen. Stop trying to make yourself legal," Kairi's smirk could almost be heard over the phone. Sora sighed and rolled his eyes. Friends were so complicated sometimes.

"So, you're coming over to make me watch gory zombie movies?" he asked, trying to get the conversation to end. Maybe he'd find a saner friend to talk to about the break-up.

"Uh huh. It'll be a blast," she replied.

"Well, I'll tell my mom to make extra food. See you then," Sora waved at the phone (a strange habit he had) and pressed the talk button again to hang up. He sighed again in exasperation, falling back onto his bed.

Though he appreciated Kairi's patience and enthusiasm to help him, he felt it was a bit tiring. After a moment, he pushed himself up to his feet and straightened his clothes. He knew it was going to be a tough night.

---

Cloud sighed and stared at his mother in disbelief. She had just declared at dinner that she was going on a twenty-eight day cruise and was leaving tomorrow for the departure. She was going halfway around the world to visit Greece and Russia and she was informing her only son hours before she left. He glanced at her over the macaroni and cheese she had made, most likely as a peace offering.

"So, you're abandoning your only child, leaving me what? Ten bucks for the whole month?" he asked snidely after swallowing his mouth full of cheesy pasta. He narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out how long she had been keeping this to herself.

"I'm not abandoning you, Cloud! It's called a vacation. VA-CA-TION! I am up to my chin in stress and you never make it easier when I come home, piling your problems on me. So I am in great need of a vacation," Arai Strife stabbed her pasta in time with her pronunciations of the word. She smirked at her son and twirled her fork around before eating the macaroni that was impaled upon it.

"And you're not getting any money from me for this beyond your allowance. You're getting a babysitter," she said with a look that said 'there's no way you're getting out of this one'.

"Babysitter?" Cloud's eyebrow twitched for a minute before he trusted himself to speak without screaming or ripping his cloth napkin to tiny shreds. "Mother, I'm not sure you realize this but I am seventeen years old. I am almost eighteen which would make me old enough to vote, buy porn, gamble and move out of this house,"

It was like poker: he was laying down his cards, daring his mom to beat his straight flush, king high.

"Yes, well, you're still seventeen and if I left you alone you'd never go to school. Besides, I've already hired them so it's too late to argue now," Arai spread out her royal flush with a smug look. Cloud sighed. He knew he had been beaten for now.

"I would so go to school. I wake you up in the morning sometimes," Cloud complained, picking at his dinner. It was mostly just cheese sauce by this point.

"Ha! If I wasn't here, you'd stop going to school, probably join a gang and get your crack ho pregnant. I know what goes on with kids these days. Can't fool me," Arai stated gathering up the plates. Cloud stared at her in disbelief and made a mental note to cut his mother's TV time by a large percent when she came back. This kind of insanity was just not normal.

"Mom, you realize I'm gay right? I'm not really into the 'crack ho' scene," he argued following her into the kitchen. Definitely time for less television. He even thought of sacrificing a night to play board games with her. Anything to keep her imagination from running this rampant.

"I know darling, but this could be a clever scheme to make me all placid and, when I leave, BAM! The crack hoes and the hormones go rampant and we're stuck with a date to go on a talk show about out-of-control teens or a DNA test with the screaming and the-" Cloud's hand on Arai's mouth stopped her mid-rant. He blinked and stared at his mother for a second before removing his hand. Maybe it was time to limit her movie time as well.

"Mom. I love you, but you're insane," he said calmly, patting the blond woman on the shoulder. She threw the dishes in the dishwasher and gave her son a look.

"Right. Maybe I'm insane because I'm in need of a good vacation," she raised an eyebrow at her son, who shrugged and rolled his eyes.

"You keep up with that 'crack ho' talk and you might head for a permanent vacation in the mental ward," Cloud warned and started to leave the kitchen as his mom gave him a look he thought only teenage girls could pull off.

"So, who's looking after me? I know them, right? Am I staying at Sora's for the month, or what?" Cloud asked, turning around. He hoped he would get someone cool to hang out with. He didn't want to be stuck in the house for a month with his grandmother or something.

"No, of course not. There's this national agency that I heard about on TV. They'll arrange a house sitter and come with the best recommendations you could dream up," Arai said with a grin, she walked over and poked his son in the chest.

"They're coming tomorrow and I expect your room to be perfectly clean. God knows I never see it clean," she pushed her son out of the kitchen and started to make a dinner for tomorrow. No sense in having the house sitter have to make dinner on the first night at the house. She smiled at her thoughtfulness, not that anyone would appreciate the gesture. They'd probably just complain that she didn't make all the meals ahead of time. Really, kids were so ungrateful nowadays.

---

Sora stared in horror as two zombies, feasting happily on human flesh, ripped an arm straight down the middle using the fingers as their starting point. He turned his horror-stricken face to Kairi and poked her in the shoulder.

"Kairi, is that even possible? Aren't there, like, bones there?" he asked, grabbing her sleeve as the zombie fest got even worse.

"Sora, if you're going to continue to over-analyze this horror movie, you might want to start with the fact there's no such thing as zombies," Kairi said, the edge in her voice apparent. Sora had interrupted the movie eight times to point out irregularities and they weren't even half-way finished.

"Well, I'm just saying," Sora pouted and hugged a nearby pillow. He mentally decided to sulk for the rest of the movie. He thought this was supposed to be a pity-fest for him, but here they were watching horror movies while Kairi was being mean to him.

They watched the rest in almost silence, almost being that every time Sora wanted to point something out that was strange about the continuation of the movie, he just grumbled it into the throw pillow and glared at the television screen. As he watched the credits, he blinked, realizing something.

"Did you realize they never used the word zombie in the whole movie?" he said, looking over at Kairi who was fixated on watching another movie. She turned and raised an eyebrow.

"How about the fact that they're supposed to be in America and they're obviously filming in Canada," Kairi smiled and grabbed a handful of popcorn. Sora narrowed his eyes.

"Wait a second, you were just as critical about the movie and you were mean to me?" he asked, blocking Kairi off from the DVD player by throwing his pillow.

"Well, I wasn't whining!" Kairi rolled her eyes and threw the pillow back at Sora. She loaded in another disc, ignoring the growing pout that she just knew on the brunette's face. Sora's mother, Maemi, poked her head out of the kitchen.

"Are you two arguing about the technical aspects of zombie movies?" she asked with a raised eyebrow, the disbelief evident on her face. She walked into the room and eyed her son, "Shouldn't you two be watching sappy movies and, like, eating ice cream or something?"

"That's the old fashion break up model, Mrs. Uehara. I've decided on a different model. Less sappiness, more gore," Kairi explained, grabbing the remote and settling back down on the couch.

"Oh good, less crying about boyfriends and more crying in horror. Still, we're running low on tissues so maybe less gore," Maemi suggested, before heading towards the stairs. She turned again on the bottom step, "And, please, make this your last movie. It's past eleven and you two have school tomorrow."

Sora's mother disappeared upstairs and left the two teens in almost darkness as Kairi pressed play for another horror movie. Sora flinched as the title appeared. A woman crawled out of a crashed car after seeing the ghost of her fiancé.

"Mom's right. Let's go to bed," he pleaded, trying to reach for the remote.

"But this is a new release! Please, Sora! I have to return these tomorrow!" Kairi begged as the screen panned over a haunting ancient mansion. Sora furrowed his brow and turned the television off.

"Renew it then," he said before making a dash up the stairs. Even though he knew his house, it being in the dark was still a bit creepy. Especially after all those movies. He hated horror movies. It took him days to get over them. He knew, for at least three days, he'd be huddled asleep in a fort of pillows and looking over his shoulder like a paranoid freak. He looked back at Kairi who was grudgingly climbing the stairs behind him. He had the sneaking suspicion she wanted him to go insane from fear.

---

"Given up on Riku, finally?" Cloud, rolling an orange and blue dice on the table in the cafeteria. He looked over at Sora, who was picking at his poutine and nodding slightly. Sora blinked and looked at the results of the dice.

"Eat. Ask Mom? Well, Cloud, looks like your decision dice have given me access to your lunch once again. You should give up on them," Sora grabbed Cloud's brownie, and, before the blond could get a word in, the smaller brunette stuffed the dessert in his mouth.

"I get a new mommy today," Cloud said with a fake little kid voice. He decided not to start the age old argument with Sora over whether or not the brownie was actually bite size.

"New mommy? Cloud, let me tell you, as a friend, you need help," Sora shook his head slightly. However strange, Cloud was making him forget the fact that Riku was sitting three chairs to his right at the row of tables behind him. Sora had told himself that he only knew that fact because the horror movies had made him paranoid.

"My mom decided to go on a cruise for like a month so she hired a babysitter. Think my new mommy will love me?" Cloud asked, rolling the dice again. The blue had actions like eat, do homework and sleep while the orange had the commands, yes, no, up to you and the like.

"Not with that attitude. You'll probably drive them insane in two hours," Sora glanced down at the dice's decision, "You better not wait till tomorrow to take a bath."

"Well, none of the decisions have been good for me. They told me not to sleep last night," Cloud smirked, "Maybe my new mommy will wash my back."

"That's gross, Cloud. That's like gross on three levels at least," Sora picked at a very cheesy fry and munched on it.

"How so?"

"Well, one, you're gay and, second, unless you enjoyed Oedipus, you should not be thinking of a mother-figure like that," Sora explained, finishing his fries up finally. They only had a few minutes left in lunch.

"That's only two things. What's the third?" Cloud gathered the garbage they had made with their lunches and stuffed it into a paper bag.

"The third is that they're a stranger!" Sora exclaimed, rolling his eyes.

"You make it sound like it's wrong," Cloud said with feigned innocence. He blinked, making his blue eyes bigger than usual, "Would I ever do anything wrong?"

"Look at me like that one more time and I'll report you for identity thief. Looking cute is my job," Sora complained but lost any threat in his smile.

"Uh huh. Sure you will," Cloud leaned back slightly in his chair. He gave Sora a look like he was measuring him up, "So you're a free man now, eh? We should get you back into the game."

"What? Cloud! No way! It's far too early for that! I broke up with him last night," Sora blushed and shook his head at his friend. It sounded like Cloud had a plan already in mind and Sora knew very well how bad something like that could get.

"No. You should do it now," Cloud nodded and got up from the table to throw out all the garbage from lunch.

Sora sighed. He was not going to get out of this new dating thing easily. He looked around and met Riku's gaze. It was apparent that Riku had been listening to the conversation from the hurt look on his face. Sora turned bright red and opened his mouth to speak, but Cloud blocked his view of Riku as he walked back over.

"Let's go to class, Sora," Cloud announced, grabbing the brunette before he had a chance to speak.

Riku blinked at the sudden sight of Cloud's back and, when it finally disappeared, it had taken Sora with it. He sighed and went back to fiddling with his soda can.

"It's your fault for being a jerk and a skank," Riku looked up at the voice. Just as he thought, it was Selphie, hands on her hips, green eyes flashing

"I know. Believe me, I've probably heard it all by now," Riku said as Selphie 'took' (meaning she kicked the innocent freshman out of) the seat across from him.

"I like your attitude. Sounds like you want to change," Selphie said with a smile. That sent alarm bells ringing in Riku's mind.

"I want Sora," he corrected her warily.

"Would you do anything for him?" Selphie asked with a smug look on her face.

Riku narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out where this was going. "Yes, of course,"

Selphie smiled, "Perfect."

---

Selphie hummed a cheerful tune to herself while walking down the street. Her plan to help Sora and Riku get back together was a staggeringly clever plan. She was going to help Riku shape up. He had hesitantly agreed, and things were starting get underway. She just had to finalize a few things that night.

She was so focused on these plans that she didn't notice the crowd of boys approaching her. Selphie accidentally bumped into one and fell backwards, only to be caught by two arms around her waist.

"Are you okay?" Selphie looked up. Her savior had blond hair and blue eyes and was adorable. She blushed slightly and nodded, trying to stand on her own two feet.

"Thank you," she said, feeling a deeper blush reach her cheeks.

"Uh, no problem. Just watch where you're going," he replied, glancing at his friends and looking a little nervous.

Selphie stood still and watched the boys walk away.

"Bit of a nutbar eh, Tidus?" one with red hair said, poking her savior in the shoulder.

"Yeah, what was with the laughter?" another piped up. The boys started to chuckle to themselves.

"Oh yeah, she was..." Selphie's savior, 'Tidus', trailed off and glanced back at Selphie for a moment before paying attention to his friends again.

Selphie grinned to herself. This was Tidus and, judging by the burgundy blazer, he went to St. Thomas-Moore, the private school in town. She whistled as she walked home. A cute boy, plus Riku agreed to the plan. Today had been a good day.

---

"Cloud! Get your butt down here. I'm leaving in a few minutes," Arai called up the stairs. She glanced at her watch. She had to go catch her train in about twenty minutes. Arai had to leave in less than five minutes and neither her son nor the babysitter had arrived.

"I'm coming, you child abandoner! Geez, I was cleaning my room and making myself look totally adorable so maybe my new mommy will love me more than you do," Cloud ranted as he stamped down the stairs.

"If you weren't my son and I didn't know you, I would be so worried about that statement," Arai said, giving Cloud a look over. Dressed all in black, he looked presentable if not a little melodramatic. She quickly decided that there would be no more movie versions of Hamlet for him. She was about to fret when there was a knock at the door.

"Oh! That must be them!" she squealed in delight and ran over to answer the door. "Hi! I'm Arai! I'm terribly late to catch my train. You must be the house sitter!" She spoke a mile a minute as she ushered the person inside.

"Uh, I'm Leon. Didn't you ask me to come for three? I'm early," the house sitter was tall with dark, long messy hair and sharp eyes.

Cloud looked him over; his new mommy was hot. He shook his head trying to get that term out of his mind.

"Well, I left instructions on the table, dinner's in the fridge and that's my son, Cloud," Arai rambled, grabbing her bags.

Leon looked over and his jaw dropped, "Ms. Strife, you said your son was seven!"

"Oh? I said seventeen. We must have had a bad connection! Ta!" She smiled brightly and sailed out the door. Within seconds, her car disappeared from the driveway, leaving a stunned Leon and a snickering Cloud.

"We don't baby-sit kids past fourteen," Leon said as if Arai was still there to argue with. It was his second job at the firm and he was stuck with a seventeen year old boy who was currently recovering from a good laugh?

"No wonder she wanted you to arrive after she left," Cloud wiped a tear from his eye and stopped any more laughter before his stomach started to hurt.

"That's just evil! I should leave!" Leon said in disgust.

Cloud raised an eyebrow, "You can't. You've already been paid half and she's already left. Just admit she screwed you over and I'll invite you to the support group. We meet on Tuesdays."

Leon stared at Cloud for a minute or two, trying to figure out it he was telling the truth. Cloud returned it with a blank stare.

"I suppose you're right. Do you want dinner?" Leon asked, heading towards the open door to the kitchen.

"Yes, please, mommy," Cloud clapped his hands over his mouth. Maybe that joke had gone on too long. He hadn't meant to say it, but it just slipped out.

"You can just call me Leon," the brunette smirked and searched the refrigerator for two containers labeled 'dinner'. With Cloud's help, they soon had a warm dinner made and on the table.

"So, you're a high school student?" Leon asked, trying to make awkward conversation while watching the blond devour the food in front of him. Cloud's eating habits were making him lose his appetite.

"Yeah, I'm almost eighteen, though. I failed kindergarten because I wouldn't share," Cloud explained after swallowing a particularly big mouthful of pasta.

"Oh, I just finished college. I'm twenty," Leon was getting a good picture of Cloud's personality by his answers and mannerisms. He didn't think he'd be much trouble. Cloud didn't seem to be a rebel or anything, just a little odd.

"You went to college to become a house sitter?" Cloud asked, finishing his food and taking the rest of Leon's. It wasn't like he was going to eat it, anyway.

"No, I'm a writer," Leon sighed. He always had to explain this to everyone he met. He just did the sitting thing for money since writing had yet to pay for itself, and, with his student loans, he was ready to do just about anything for some money.

"So, basically unemployed?"

Leon frowned, "Yeah."

"You'll fit right in at this house, then," Cloud smirked and finished the rest of the pasta, dumping the dishes in the sink. Leon twitched at the sound of the cutlery hitting the steel of the sink. He liked dishes done right away. He figured he'd have to do them by himself later.

"Could you show me around?" Leon asked. In the last house he had looked after, he had been alone and had tried to explore the house, but had ended up getting very lost. Leon didn't want to wander into a bedroom in the middle of the night looking for the bathroom, especially not with a teenager in the house.

He stretched slightly and stood up while Cloud explained the layout of the house and led Leon upstairs. He stopped at the door on the far right of the hall and pointed to it.

"That's the guest bedroom. No idea when we last ventured in there. I don't think the window's been opened in a year and the sheets haven't been changed since we moved in probably," Cloud said meaningfully. Leon hoped he wouldn't have to sleep in that bedroom. Cloud then gestured to the far end of the hall opposite them, past the stairs.

"That's my bedroom and my bathroom across from it," Cloud smiled. He had won that bathroom from his mother in a poker game just after they moved in. He opened the door right beside them and walked in, frowning slightly.

"This is my mom's room and, apparently, she hasn't cleaned up. But I washed the sheets this afternoon, so, if I clean it, you can stay here," Cloud said. Leon walked in after him and, avoiding piles of clothing, set his suitcases down on the queen bed.

"Seems fine," he said, hoping this job would get better. Cloud didn't share this sentiment and was preoccupied by what the state of the bathroom could be. Cloud smirked slightly.

"Well, my bedroom's clean, but you'd have to share it with me," he mumbled quite audibly while gathering up his mother's clothes and throwing them into her walk-in closet. He'd just shut the door and pretend the mess never happened.

Leon's eyes widened at Cloud's suggestion. His training hadn't told him what to do when the person you were looking after started to hit on you! He swallowed his nervousness and put on a cool expression, "I'm sure I'll be fine by myself tonight."

"Fine, but if she's put voodoo spells or something on her stuff, don't come whining to me at 2 AM to give you sanctuary. I'm going to watch television," Cloud shrugged and wandered back out of the room.

Leon sighed. If this was an indication of what was to come, then this was going to be a long month. After a few minutes of silence, he sighed again and headed back downstairs. He had to make this work out.

---

Next Time in Romance Reform:

-Wakka vs. the strange stalker
-Leon reciting child sexual abuse laws
-Selphie's sure-fire romance reform
-Cloud's interviews with people who want in his friend's pants.

Sora: And a very awkward moment between Riku and I.

Riku: So awkward I think you should take me back for good measure.

Kari: But then there won't be a plot!

Sora: But he's so cute and it would make your beta, Slashapalooza so happy.

Riku: :echoes: So Happy…

Kari: I can't okay? (-,-)