One
She stands frozen as the line in the monitor connected to his heart goes flat, she refuses to move as the nurses and doctors rush toward him pushing her from one side to another .
She refuses Scott arms around her , she despises Malia 's tears she wants to yell at her and tell her to stop crying because Stiles is not dead because he cannot be dead not after everything after times travels and werewolves and evil spirit so she starts counting because that's the only thing she can think of to keep herself from going mad .
Two
She doesn't move from his bed , she stares at the ceiling above for hours ,she memorizes every detail , she engraves every line in her head .
Every wall , every corner, every edge that carries a part of him every that used to be him . She hates herself for using the past tense .
Three
" I m fine '' she says , the words sound so fake even to her own ears , Scott looks at her with those sad puppy eyes , Malia closes her mouth as soon as she opens it , not knowing what to say , she stares at Scott and Scott stares at her and they both look back at her .
'' HE was my best friend too '' he finally says
'' I miss him too '' Malia adds
The words just makes her want to punch both of them straight in the face , because Scott had years of birthdays and sleepovers and memories , and Malia had first times and first relationships while all she had were stolen moments between fighting disasters and running around saving the town .
The worst part is that it was her fault they had so little time.
Four
'' Please Lydia when was the last time you slept ? '' Her mother asks.
The truth is she doesn't remember, the truth is she is too afraid to sleep . She is afraid that the moment she closes her eyes she will forget, the lines of his face , the exact number of moles in his jaw , the way in which they are aligned ,the exact shade of his hair , the way he used to run his hands through it when he was nervous or the way his eyes sparkled when he was so close to solving a mystery.
She is terrified she 'll forget so she fights sleep with coffee and pills , the truth is she doesn't know how much she can fight .
Five
She stares seeing his figure everywhere, first his sitting at her desk in her room , then he is crossing the street , soon he is everywhere she goes .
She knows very well that what she is seeing is not real , she knows that her mind is playing tricks with her , probably telling her that she needs help but she doesn't care not when she can see him again even from afar even if she can nor touch him nor feel him he is there and that's enough for her .
She knows she sounds crazy.
Six
You have to let him , they say , but they don't understand , that letting him go is like ripping her own heart from her chest , letting him go is like driving a knife straight to her chest , it's like throwing herself in the ocean .
Letting him go is learning how to breathe again, it's tearing a part from her skin, it's slitting her wrists open and letting him escape from her veins .
Letting him go is telling her heart to beat without his hands around it keeping it safe and she is not sure she knows how .
Seven
She sees a Star war poster on the street as she is leaving for class early in the morning and she immediately starts crying violent and hysterical sobs , she collapses in the middle of the street crying in front of the poster .
People around her stare at her like she is some sort of a lunatic but she can't seem to control herself , the tears keep falling from her eyes .
She didn't cry when she heard the news, she didn't cry at the funeral, but the simple sight of the poster makes her lose her mind , funny how grief works ?
You see sadness is like a shadow, it follows anywhere you go , you may not notice it , you may think you got rid of it , that you are over it but you can't get over it because when you lose the one person that used to hold you entire world between their palms , nothing is ever going to be alright again .
Eight
After the poster incident, she finally goes to his grave, she doesn't cry there, she stands in front of the stone with his name for hours and hours , her phone buzzes in her pocket a few times but she ignores it .
'' I really miss you Stiles '' she finally whispers to the wind .
Nine
It gets better after that, she is back to functioning like a normal human being.
she wakes up , goes to college , she actually smiles at people from time to time .
Scott and Malia stopped staring at her like she is mentally ill, but deep deep inside she is completely dead and frozen to the bones so she keeps counting.
Ten
True acceptance comes slowly but surely , it comes with small details like the way that plaids are now a permanent element of her wardrobe , or the fact that she always has a red tape wrapped around her wrist or in her hair , the star war poster that is now her lock screen .
People asked her to let him go , she couldn't so instead she decided to carry pieces of him with her , to carry him inside her heart to engrave his being into her soul .
it doesn't make the pain go away , it doesn't heal the wound in her heart , she doesn't think anything can heal her heart but it makes waking up in the mornings less agonizing and the air inside her lungs feels a bit lighter .
She sees him again one morning at the cafeteria as she sips her coffee, she swears he's smiling at her, that one particular stiles smiles that was reserved just for her.
She smiles back at the figure and as she whispers that four letter word to him '' I will always love you ''
she finally stops counting .