Here we go. Let's try this and see how well it will go. This story will mainly depend on reader's response. If I didn't find much response, posting will be very slow and might stop, even though I have already built a plot and keep imagining scenes in my head. My main concern is that this one and Impediments might have similar plots half way through them, so I'm not sure how you guys will like that.
In Greek mythology they have gods for everything. The world sprang out of Chaos. The earth, Gaea, alone gave birth to Uranus, the sky. Uranus became Gaea's husband and they had other children. The cycle went on and on. In Greek mythology, the universe is different than the realism of our own mother earth. They had a spirit of lot or fate, it's called Aisa. They also had a god for new beginnings, his name is Janus. Janus has two faces, just like our story.
What if the universe has another face? What if fate is different on the other side? Perhaps in the cosmic setting our story is told in a different manner. Behind the stars, the moon, the sky and its rain and its thunder, our Tegan and our Sara can have another ending. People are always given a second chance, so why not them? Some fix their mistakes, some never learn. If the heavens gave them another chance, would they fix their mistakes? I say they will, what do you say?
Let us rewind, let us return in time and start in a different place. Let us assume this is a Greek play, let us begin again. In postmodernism, they have different endings to their tales. I, your narrator, am going to show you how it would have ended if Sara was stronger than her fragile heart, and Tegan was able to pull through every pin poking her skin.
It doesn't matter who I am. I could be the anonymous person our protagonist was speaking to throughout our story. I could be Dionysus, the Greek god for wine, music, fertility, mystic revelry, and irrational impulses. I could be someone who has found a book documented by Tegan Rain about her story ending in a different way. I could be a god handling their lot and taking the plot a few years back, keeping Sara alive, and sending Tegan to where she shall meet her past lover with the eyes of a stranger. Or I could be a friend who knows the real story. I could be one of their descendants, or I could be Tegan, or Sara herself. It does not matter who I am, it only matters that I am your narrator and will show you a new face of our story.
...
January 10th, 2016
The room was silent when Tegan entered before all her classmates. First day of the last semester ever in this university. Class No. 16, 8:00 AM, Canda was still frozen. Tegan looked like the ghost who had haunted this university, oh well, that's what everybody told her. Jeremy did not tell her that, though. He told her she's beautiful every morning before she left the apartment they shared, it suffocated her. And when Jeremy returned from his new job which was barely giving him any profit, he told her she's beautiful again.
The last time she had been in this classroom was since Sara Clement tugged at her bra strap in May. She didn't take any classes in there again. It seemed like it had been forever, but it had been three years only. Tegan often wondered if Sara Clement was still alive, breathing, remembering her. She did what Sara asked her to do, she kept an eye on the Tulips for some months, but when she returned from her vacation last year, the secretary of the English department told her that the office was given to another doctor, the Tulips were gone. She couldn't do much about it. She asked about Dr. Clement. The secretary told her that she's alive, but still fighting the fatal plague. It's not that Tegan didn't try to contact Sara again, it's just that Sara's phone was out of service as soon as she and Tegan departed two years ago, it also seemed like forever. Many things had changed. She dated Emily, but then she cheated on her with Jeremy. She and Emy broke up only six months ago, they quarreled for about four months, but things were getting better thanks to Jeremy. They're not so much good friends like they used to, but it's better than the rivalry that departed them. Then Tegan was offered to move in with Jeremy in his small apartment. Jeremy had graduated last year, Emy too. Jeremy found a job, but it barely covered any of their needs. He refused to let Tegan help him with money, something about his manly pride or whatever. He and Tegan weren't dating, they were just sleeping together as the destroyer of all good relationships fulfilled her selfish need to be loved and wanted, continuing to break hearts and hurt others.
Tegan looked up from her phone when the whispering had begun to increase in the classroom. The whispers made her smirk. She knew the whispers were a couple of kids complaining that Tegan Rain, the woman who got the highest marks and was rumoured to have a 3.9 as a GPA, was with them in a class they took to raise their GPAs. Tegan's GPA was really just 3.6, the first two years of her college life was good, yes, but Sara Clement fucked that up in that one semester. Tegan didn't let that happen in the four remaining semesters. Therapy did her good, it took time, but it worked...a little bit. But mostly, her frustration was freed in studying till every student in her major hated her fucking guts. Some students dropped the classes when they saw her in them last semester.
She also forgot that food existed at times. She studied till dehydration and malnutrition. Severe anemia didn't matter to her, monthly visits to get blood tested became a routine. Jeremy would take her and she would get tested. More iron supplements would be given to her, and more warnings from doctors.
"You eat, you don't eat well." One doctor told her. "You don't eat healthy. Have you ever thought of children?" Tegan shook her head, had she? She didn't remember. "Well, when you start thinking of them or wanting them, you're gonna face some issues if your anemia is at that level." Tegan wondered why everything had to do with having children, she rolled her eyes, not giving one single fuck. "Why are you doing this to yourself? Since you said it's not about how your body should look."
"I told you, I don' know." Tegan answered her. "I just forget to eat. Or end up throwing it all up. Or I don't have an appetite. And when I do, I crave bad things." She shrugged. "Maybe it's the antidepressants."
"Well, they do have these side effects. But we're not able to get your iron level to the healthy rate it should be at. We need your help." Tegan was trying to help them and herself, but her anxious mind didn't allow her much efficiency in her actions. The more she thought, the more she stressed herself out, which caused her to burn more calories or forget she's hungry.
The past months, however, they'd been much better, she and Jeremy were starting to teach themselves to cook healthier foods on their own. Ones which didn't make them gag or shut their appetites. First attempts ended up in them throwing the spinach omelet or the veggie pie away and ordering pizza. Now, they learned how to add the right amount of spices to put up with the taste of green they both didn't really desire. Soda was exchanged with juices, beer was only gulped once a day. Wine was their favourite, but only on the weekends. It didn't make Tegan gain some of the major lbs she had lost these past two years, but it made the bags underneath her eyes get less darker, it also made her concentrate more, and it made her skin better and the pimples caused by overthinking finally all disappeared a month ago. Tegan still suffered with trying to gulp an apple, she wished all seasons were peach seasons, or mango seasons, or seasons of the fruits she loved, not apples or bananas. Or oranges, she fucking hated oranges.
"Tegan," She heard her name on some woman's tongue so she looked up from her phone and smiled at the stranger. Maybe she took some classes with her, it'd been happening a lot when strangers came to her and asked her about something, they knew her name, she didn't even think she'd seen them before. They told her they'd taken a couple of classes with her, she felt guilty that she hadn't even noticed. "do you know who's teaching this course?" The shy petite brunette asked. "I know you're well-informed about what's happening in the department and all, this class had no name next to it when I registered, so I'm just wondering if you do know?"
"Isn't it Dana Austin? She teaches Poetry each semester and they never put her name, so she probably teaches this class." Tegan didn't really like Dr. Austin when she took Poetry with her about two years ago. But she was graduating, she needed some more elective subjects that her major offered in order to graduate. Poetry II was available, and it was much easier than other subjects such as Novel II or Psychology in Literature. Plus, she loved poetry since ever, and eight in the morning was no biggie for her anymore since Jeremy woke her up at 6:30 every morning while getting ready.
"Ya, I registered depending on her giving it, but I'm scared it's someone else because I heard some changes have been happening in the teaching staff." The stranger expressed her worry. Tegan only smiled apologetically at her. "Thank you, anyway." The stranger smiled, Tegan smiled back and nodded.
I'm cooking today, sea food is fine?
Not shrimp!
Fuck you.
:')
Jeremy wanted shrimp, almost everyday, Tegan hated shrimp, everyday.
Students began to enter the small classroom one after another. They all looked Tegan's way, but they were all too quick and too rushed to sit in any seat available to give her the usual disturbed faces, which she happily smirked at. It was an indication that the professor who was teaching this class was already here, only seconds separated her from entering the classroom. Tegan was sitting in the second row, fifth seat from the right to be more specific. This class was full of students from different years. Second, third, and fourth like herself. Not the first year of course since they must take the first Poetry class before it in order to register to this one. It felt great to be the oldest, or more accurately, to be the one graduating. Tegan had changed a lot. Still nervous, still hesitant, still anxious, but not as loving, as foolish, as naive, as kind, as cheery as she was. Now Tegan is cold, as some people described her. She's too proud to speak with some students, and too irritated by those who wanted her attention. Professors loved her, it made her feel good about herself.
"I can't believe she's back."
"Is she that bad? When I came here she was already gone, but I heard she's a monster."
"She's a bitch."
Before Tegan could turn around and question the two chatting voices behind her about the mystery they were talking about, the door was slammed and the classroom went dead quiet as the woman walked inside.
Tegan looked at her, silently, untouched, unbothered. But then she looked at her, and she felt only one thing, one feeling. She felt as if someone had stepped on her hand. How to express the feeling? It couldn't be expressed, really, but it felt something like that: like a pause then a look, then a pause then a look. Kind of like in the movies, it was like it happened in the movies.
The first person Sara Clement had spotted was Tegan Rain, her student, her lover, her everything, her heart, her thoughts, her mind, her happiness, and her misery. Sara Clement didn't know what to do, she stood there as they both looked into each other's eyes. Tegan had changed a lot, she had to look twice in order to make sure it's her, that same woman. Tegan looked so small in shape, her skin pale and her hair longer, she also looked hard, whatever that meant. And her eyes looked frozen and still. Tegan didn't shift, she didn't do any movement, but that's how Tegan always was in Sara's opinion, she never really displayed much feelings, or the feelings Sara wanted her to feel.
Sara didn't flash any type of surprise as well, she knew Tegan was still studying in this university, she looked up her name and went into all her information the past week she'd been coming to university to get back to work. They gave her new classes she hadn't ever taught, but she was more than happy to receive them. Sara came back for a new start, she didn't want to teach the same materials again, she didn't want anything to remind her of these past two years she felt so much pain. She did have in mind that pain could be back anytime soon, but now she promised herself and everyone around her that a doctor visit would happen each month. Sara came back searching for Tegan, she promised her that, she had that in mind, but Tegan was not moving, gasping, sweating, blushing, or anything like she used to do around her. Sara often thought about her student falling for someone new or being with someone new, that's her given right, that's what she told her in the first place, but she didn't understand why she herself couldn't really manage to fall for someone new, or be with someone new.
Stacy was there for her and confessed her love for her. She could have lived with Stacy and they raised little Ella together. That would have been a healthier relationship than the fantasies she had built in her mind. But it wouldn't be fair for her friend to be with someone whose thoughts were pretty much full of some student much younger than her. Or the fact that every piece of writing Sara had managed to write or publish on some blog she made was about her student. The fact she didn't really feel any spark towards Stacy was also a dominant factor on why she didn't want to get engaged in a loveless relationship.
Her friend told her one thing, she told her that her life had actually just started right now and she should seek whatever quest she had in mind. Stacy had changed a lot after her divorce and while watching Sara suffer and suffering along with her. Sara could never deny that without the support of her friend she wouldn't have managed anything on her own. Stacy changed the sheets when Sara's hair started falling. She also helped Sara get dressed for every chemotherapy session. When Sara couldn't stand, she took her to the bathroom. And she was the one who gave Sara baths and showers when her days seemed near the end. Stacy didn't get tired and didn't say anything. She supported her and listened to her and checked on Tegan, without Tegan knowing, for her.
Tegan noticed Sara's long pause, and she also was well aware it happened because of her presence. When Sara smiled at her, she didn't smile back. She simply couldn't. She's not mad, she's just too confused. Sara looked healthy, too healthy in fact. Unlike herself, Sara gained the weight she had lost. Sara's hair was also the longest she had ever seen it. The old fringe was gone, and now her hair took the shape of a bob, a shaggy one actually. She had make up on, she had an eyeliner on her lower lids, nothing more, though. Despite all that, age seemed to catch up on her, she seemed older, way older. Not as old as her age, but definitely not someone who looked in their early twenties. Now she's thirty-five, almost thirty-six, she looked thirty, or in her early thirties.
Tegan looked down, she looked at her hands on her lap. She's an expert in breathing exercises and holding back all feelings now. She'd been doing it for the past two years, thanks to the woman standing before her.
"Good morning." Then the voice she had missed so much hit her eardrums, she took a subtle sigh, Sara knew she did, Sara had studied her too well to forget Tegan's emotions even if they were properly hidden. Sara's voice was raspier than before, but still feminine and still carried that lisp Tegan couldn't forget.
"I am Sara Clement, I'll be teaching you this class this semester." Tegan looked up, and when she did, she jumped. Finally a reaction from her lover, Sara smiled when she saw it. "Some of you may know me, or have taken classes with me...a long time ago." She chuckled, but nobody laughed, certainly not Tegan, who was being addressed. "I have been away for the past year and a half as I have been dealing with some health issues." Sara explained. "Before everything, I'm going to list my rules which you are going to follow or drop this course so you can spare me and yourself the problems."
And suddenly, everything rushed back to Tegan. Everything that had happened in this classroom on this day three years before. Sara's rules, Sara's smile, Sara's eyes, Sara's walk, Sara's everything rushed back and played out before her eyes as Sara herself began talking and talking and making her students' lives harder by the minute. The professor was speaking but the student was recalling every small moment they'd shared together. She kept asking herself if that was actually happening, if that was the same Sara Clement she still cried because of almost each night. Was she standing here? In this room? Tegan blinked, her heart banged and asked to be imprisoned, her stomach began it's darned actions. Why did every bad habit rush inside the younger woman's body when she saw that person? She tried to think it's a dream, she still had them after all. Sara in class, Sara there again, Sara smiling at her, Sara following her, she still got these dreams. Just last week she was thinking of Sara when Jeremy asked for a specific sex position. She shook the thoughts of the woman and focused on her friend's need, but she couldn't deny that Sara wasn't on her mind the whole time. She was just in the back of her head, way down there, locked up with the feelings she didn't want to experience again. It's like a jar had broken and everything was now trashed in front of her. Her memories, her love, her desires, her feelings, her emotions, her anger, her excitement, her tears, her happiness, her sadness, and Sara. They're all scattered now in front of her when her tormentor broke the jar and escaped. Her breathing too, it started to become less even and sharper, this wasn't happening, but it was. It's not fair, but she's standing here with all her glory and all her everything that Tegan had turned to nothing, she's standing there in that same dull room that started everything, and Tegan was now feeling everything, every tiny thing, once again.
"Am I clear?" The scratchy, confident tone broke Tegan's inner turmoil and pulled her back to reality to stare back into her professor's eyes. Sara knew what Tegan must had been feeling and she didn't want her to feel that way. She had to do her part and be the professor she'd always been but she wanted everything to rush to the part where she'd get Tegan back and they could be together. The hope that Sara had was lit by the spark that this was Tegan's last semester in this place that threatened their relationship in the past. Sara didn't want to make more mistakes, or let's say, wait. Waiting was her enemy now. She counted every second she's breathing and appreciated every second. She wanted to get what she wanted and be with who she wanted and hurry, hurry as fast as she could to fulfill her long awaited dream. But Sara, being a very rational woman, she knew nothing came easily handed. She'd have to work hard, knowing Tegan wasn't just an object she could toy with. She promised Tegan if she's back they'd be together, but she also didn't give Tegan much hope that she'd be back or any type of hints that she's alive the whole time she was dying.
The introduction from each student Sara required was the hardest part for Tegan, she knew it was coming, she just didn't know if she could speak when it was her turn. The students started one after one and nothing irritated her more than the glances her professor and past lover kept directing her way. The flame within her was blazing to find out what was Sara feeling and how everything would go from now on. One semester and she'd get it over with. But Sara's back, that's the last thing she really expected. Even though Sara's back, they're still broken up and mostly, it was because of that time she cheated on Sara and didn't give her a chance to be on her own, something Tegan still didn't really understand because she constantly wanted humans around her. But maybe it differed from one person to another, she didn't know, but she didn't understand it so it still didn't make sense to her.
"Ms. Rain, I do know you, but you must introduce yourself to the class." Tegan looked up at her professor, who still remembered her, well of course she did, she'd been inside of her, she'd been in the shower with her, she'd been in bed with her, they cried together and they loved each other, of course she remembered her.
"They all know me as well." Two years ago Tegan wouldn't have answered Sara like that. And admittedly, it did take Sara by surprise, but it also made her heart glow with merry fires because everything about Tegan radiated confidence. Sara always wanted Tegan to have this power to say what she wanted without holding back.
"Alright, then." Sara nodded and moved on, with a smile never leaving her face, never faltering.
Tegan was in the same attitude, except her insides were stinging and tearing up slowly. How much longer could she fight before a break down while going through memory lane? She hoped she could carry on till the end of her day. She taught herself to last as long as possible, and she believed she could do it no matter what demon stood there facing her.
"I'm going to just talk a little bit about what I'm going to give you this semester, then I'll let you go. We'll start off from the next class on Wednesday." Sara sat on the desk, just like all those times she used to do while teaching. Tegan checked her out, and she saw it clearly and smiled to herself as well. A part of her was wondering what was Tegan thinking of the change. Since she had fully recovered four months ago and her hair started growing back the previous summer, she and Stacy worked on getting her back into a healthy weight. She told her friend she wanted a change, her friend suggested a new hair colour, but Sara's trauma from that one time she had dyed her hair blonde didn't really convince her to try anything like that. She decided on a new hairstyle. She also hadn't been in this body shape since her early stages of pregnancy a few years go. She was simply glowing and anybody who had seen her so far told her so. She wondered if Tegan thought so too, and of course, Tegan thought so and thought more and was happy to see her healthy but was not happy to see her in general. "Since I am a biased person, I picked the poems that I love the most and which have affected me the most. So you might see me wandering off and thinking about something while someone is reading some lines, and you might see me getting emotional or angry or showing some feelings while we're discussing the poems. Please go ahead and laugh it off when you do, I don't mind. I admit, I'm a strange person. Let's keep that between us, though." And she winked...but to the class, to the whole class.
The day didn't go as Sara planned in mind, but she wasn't really disappointed. Tegan left the classroom as soon as she allowed her students to leave. She thought it's not appropriate to start off with her drama and call Tegan back from the first day. She still had Tegan's number. It's still written in that notebook she wanted to give to Tegan. She often asked herself if this notebook would get Tegan back to her, but she considered it a tacky move, perhaps. She's not like those people who loved to be pitied or those who bribed others with love to get what they wanted. She either got it, or left it.
She gave two more classes and one of them was for first year students. She despised giving classes to first year students. But then again, because of these classes she met Tegan when she was still a freshman. But that wouldn't happen anymore and she wouldn't meet anybody anymore because nobody occupied and would occupy her mind other than Tegan. She wondered what would Tegan do during her day. She did take a look at her schedule. Tegan had only three classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. And she had two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They all started early. At eight in the morning. Sara had a class at eight and one at nine these three days of the week. Then at ten she had office hours and at eleven she had another class, it was the class for the first year students. It was an Introduction to Literature class. She liked teaching the subject, just couldn't bother to be patient with the mentalities of her students, so she wore the mask of evil bitch Sara Clement she's known for. In the remaining two days, much like Tegan, she had two classes, one from 8:00 till 9:30 and the other from 9:30 till 11:00. After that she decided she'd sit in her office for a bit if any student decided to come to her office, and if she's busy with something, she'd leave. But Sara wasn't busy with anything now. She had no one once again and her best friend was still working on the process of moving to Quebec to be near Sara. But Sara didn't lose hope, she insisted that her little place would be alive again once the beautiful brunette gave her another chance.
When she returned home, she took a nap. That's what she'd been doing for the past week she had returned and started working again. The university was welcoming her again only because Dr. Clark had finally had a child after eleven years of marriage. Sara didn't like Dr. Clark that much, and that could be the reason that made her aversion stronger, but the original one was that Dr. Clark had been married to the same man who she loved since she graduated college and had been happy since then, now she had the child she always wanted so now she's happier. Sara wished her life was that easy, she envied Dr. Clark, and disliked her because Sara's an atrociously jealous person.
When Jeremy returned to the apartment he and Tegan shared, he didn't find her on the sofa, in front of the TV, as he did almost everyday. She usually did her homework while watching a sitcom, laughing here and there while reading some parts or typing an essay. It was easy for her, literature was her game because that's what she had smothered herself with after the loss she had suffered.
"Tegan?" Jeremy called as he moved to the combined kitchen. He took a slice of carrot from the tiny ones Tegan had obviously been chopping along with cucumbers to have as a snack. "Tegan?" He called again, chewing on the orange piece. "Teegles?" Jeremy gave her another nickname, one nobody had given her. He loved her so much, he loved her a lot. He didn't care she didn't love him, he enjoyed the fact that their living method seemed so domestic and so real as if they were a married couple or a boyfriend and a girlfriend who had been dating for years.
He walked through the hallway and inside their bedroom, but there was no one in there. "Tegan?" He called again, quietly this time after he started hearing the soft voice of sobbing coming from the end of the hall. He looked at the clothes Tegan had worn this morning lying on their bed, then he walked to the bathroom and stood outside the opened door. That's how Tegan was asked to take showers. Since ever she started fainting whenever oxygen was much less than her requirement, she was ordered to be in an environment that allowed in air to pass through her lungs and keep her awake. The steam often made her dizzy and faint in the tub. So she now showered with only a curtain covering her body in the old bathroom. Not that she had to hide from anyone, Jeremy had seen her naked already, but a little privacy was always needed. "What's wrong, Tegan?" He asked her as he stood outside the bathroom, making her figure from behind the yellow curtain. She was washing her hair and crying, she was crying so much.
Tegan didn't know what to answer him. She knew he'd be coming home anytime soon. She knew she'd cry all day. She knew she needed to vent and speak to him, she simply didn't know how to do that. She cried more and cried till hiccups replaced sniffles. And he stood there all the time she was crying and washing her body and hair and crying more. He listened to her and she could see his shadow from behind the yellow curtain that separated them. Jeremy had been the most patient with her these past two years. He led her through slow recovery of mind and soul with affection and love, she took what she could get but never gave anything back and he was okay with it because he still somehow believed that one day she'd be in love with him. She knew she never would be because the only person she's still in love with was that same demon who's back again to haunt her life, which was why she's crying in the shower.
She appeared from behind the curtain and reached for her towel, Jeremy looked down at the floor to give her privacy. He saw her naked or half naked almost everyday, and she did too, but when the line's set, they both knew better not to cross it. He didn't look at her the whole time he knew she's drying her body and changing. He looked at the door frame, he also heard her soft sobs and her tired voice from all that crying.
"Are you hurt?" He asked her.
"No." She replied with a sob.
"Yes you are." He insisted, he knew her too well. "You're crying." She sobbed more. "Who hurt you?" Maybe he thought it was him, she always felt like she was hurting him and she really was, but she also knew that he felt that he was hurting her, but he really wasn't, not at all.
"Sara Clement is back." And there she broke down again, burying her face in her hand and shaking with tears meshing with pain.
Jeremy looked this time around because the shock of the sentence startled him too much to make him avoid the woman he loved. He looked at her shuddering, trembling form. She was dripping tears and water, he walked up to her and held her despite his lack of understanding. Sometimes she wished she loved him for everything he'd done to her and for her. Her life would've been much easier. "Let's go to the room. Let's talk in there." He took her by the hand and they walked to their room. She sat on the mattress and he handed her the remaining clothes she didn't get a chance to wear in the bathroom. She shivered while slipping her pants across her skin and while buttoning her shirt. "Talk, Tegan, when you're ready."
Jeremy wasn't sitting next to her, he was giving her space and standing against the dresser. "She gives me Poetry, first class, at eight." Tegan took a breath, he nodded. "I was sitting and she just walked there, as if noting had happened, as if nothing..." She couldn't continue when the scene returned to her head, she cried.
"It's okay." Jeremy assured her, not really convinced of his words.
"She looks so different. She looks older, but more beautiful and much healthier. I felt like she was addressing me whenever she said something but that's probably just me. Jer, I'm not over her and you know that. I don't know what I'll do. I'll have to face her, again. I don't want it to happen again. I don't wanna go through that again." Jeremy didn't really know what to say. He too didn't want Tegan to go through this whirlwind of emotions because of fate again. But it's like fate hated him so much, just when he was making Tegan soften her feelings towards him, this woman he couldn't compete with returned all of a sudden. Now Tegan would cry more, she'd be upset more, she wouldn't be able to get off the antidepressants soon, and she wouldn't love him.
Sara woke up after five hours of sleep. She stayed in bed, however. She flipped through the television, she read a book, she thought about Tegan and about Wednesday, but she mostly didn't bother doing anything productive.
"Is it healthy to sleep this much? Like I know it's mostly because of how lonely I've been feeling lately, but isn't it a sign of depression to sleep that much and stay in bed that much? I miss you and Ella around. You yelling at her and she making your life a living hell. I missed how noisy she is and how much you talked without shutting up. I miss when you bitched about Tony all night and then I obsessed about my student and we listened to each other. I miss Ella shitting her pants or peeing on your lap and you getting mad at her. I miss you guys." Stacy let Sara rant on the phone. She was stirring the dough with one hand, feeding Ella with the other, and she had her phone between an ear and a shoulder. "Are you there?"
"Ya." Stacy answered lowly. "I was just letting you vent." She blew on the spooned mashed potato and put it against her daughter's mouth. "Do you really miss all that? I thought we gave you a headache. I miss you too, by the way." Stacy rubbed her brow with her forearm and huffed. "Being a single mother sucks, you know. You were some kind of a moral support around, now I have a break down each night. I can't handle this kid alone." Sara knew what her friend was really alluding to, but she let it go.
"What's going on with your papers so far?" Sara asked.
"Still stuck. My attorney said a little more money and he can manage everything, but you know, being a nurse doesn't really give you much. My parents are helping with Ella already, I can't ask for more, so I'm just waiting." Her friend had been suffering the lack of economic independence since her divorce. Her ex-husband turned out to be a huge bastard in fact, he didn't even help with his own child. "Oh, Sara, by the way, if all worked out and everything, I can't really move until I'm secure with a job, so would it be a bother for you to search for me?"
"It wouldn't be. You're a good nurse, Stace, I'll find you one easily, don't worry about it." Sara couldn't wait till her friend moved near her. Sometimes it's a headache like the friend herself said, but loneliness was an epidemic. She knew if she stayed like this much longer she'd go back into her old depressed self. She'd lose her glow and her health once again and mourn and mop alone with herself. She didn't want to reach that point. She had a goal and she was set to get it. She just didn't really know how to do everything quickly and without any difficulties from life. But Sara knew life and she knew there must be difficulties in every gift this bastard presents once in a while.
Between hearing her friend's soft breaths and thinking too much, Tegan couldn't find a place for comfort to sway her into a peaceful sleep. She was on her side, turned away from the man sleeping beside her and thinking about the woman who had suddenly came back to make her think more after she found a way to think less. The running thoughts inside her head mainly consisted of questions about what she'd do if she was ever alone with Sara again. Would she act as if nothing had happened before? Would they both just keep it unsaid and pretend they hadn't shared a bed? That would break her even more. She also wondered about Sara opening the gates of love for her again, did she have the courage, the energy, and the will to return again? She denied it but she knew she would return. But she also knew that wouldn't happen ever again. She had messed with fire once, she shouldn't mess with it ever again.
"What you need to do is go right up to her and tell her everything from the day I didn't let her in till this day. You can't just wait for it to happen if you want it to happen." Stacy advised Sara. The professor listened and gave nods to her phone. "You're not a kid. These silly mind games of yours need to stop. You want someone you go get them." Her octave was louder, harsher, but that was constructive criticism, and Sara knew she should do what she's told. "You hear me, Sara? You're a grown woman. Just talk to her. Try every way. I'm not happy seeing you this way. One only lives once you know."
"And gets threatened to die each year...ya I know." The professor huffed, rubbing her temple. "Stace, you're right. I just feel like I was way too harsh with her the past days, but I was so tired, I was so disappointed with everyone and everything."
"Nobody should blame you. I'm sure she doesn't, or won't once she hears everything. Plus, she cheated." Stacy glared at her daughter as the four year old refused to eat what her mother was offering.
The more Tegan thought, the more the darkest corners of her mind lit up. The unconscious brought to the conscious. Desires glittered and flames caused her skin to ache with a need to distinguish every thought in order for her mind to rest. She turned around and took a look at her sleeping friend. She sighed, not really sure if what she wanted was to be touched or to feel a numbing sensation that could light her up like fireworks and shut her down all of a sudden.
She shook the boy who slept beside her, lightly at first, and when he groaned she shook him more. "Jeremy." She whispered.
"What?" He placed his arm over his face.
"I need you." She chose her words carefully to give him the purport of what she was suggesting, but her friend was too lost in his slumber to analyze words. "Right now." She added. Jeremy opened his eyes, he faced her and looked at her. She nodded, but he didn't get it at first. "Like last time." She took a deep breath, already turning around to face their closet instead of his face.
"Oh." He understood. That's what she wanted, and it was strange, she hadn't just asked for it by herself like that since the first few times they slept together. And what time was it? Jeremy lit the lamp next to his head, he grabbed his phone and squinted as he read 12:17 AM. That was strange to him. He wondered if his friend enjoyed what they'd done the last time they touched, or she was simply drowning in misery and needed to forget like these times she used to run to him and they ended up in a similar situation. It was probably the latter, but he liked to believe otherwise to satisfy his crushed ego.
"Don't forget the condom." Tegan reminded her friend. She stripped her bottom half and only lifted her t-shirt, massaging her now petite breasts in order to get herself ready for her friend.
A part of her wondered what her ex lover might be doing at the moment. She's most certainly asleep. She remembered how early she and Sara used to sleep on school days. On the weekends, Sara was such a hard-headed, lazy, sleepy head. She refused to wake up easily in any sort of way. And Tegan, like a child, she woke up earlier than any day she had to go to university on the weekends. It's a habit she had since she was a child. She and Ted used to wake up at seven in the morning on the weekends. Ted used to make lots of noises and ask her to do the same in order to wake their parents up. Then their mother would wake up grumpy enough to keep talking about how much of a badly behaved children they were.
She felt a hand over her arm, brushing softly, even though the texture of the hand wasn't as soft as Tegan had been used to from the two women she slept with. She looked over her shoulder when her thoughts were interrupted. He smiled at her with sleepy eyes and she smiled back. He started to kiss that arm, it also reminded her of Sara's infatuation with her arms, which made her adorn both of them with new tattoos, they weren't much, but they covered some memories on her bare bones.
When her best friend continued smothering her exposed skin with kisses and touches wherever he found a place he could hold, rub, pat, squeeze, or tease, Tegan was only being teased by the thoughts of her professor doing what her best friend was doing but to herself. She liked to think that at this moment of night, when the darkness was loud enough to hide suppressed ancient yearnings, when the stars gave up on dancing in the sky that held them, Sara Clement was chanting her name with closed eyes and a parted mouth. She liked to believe Sara still loved her while believing she didn't. At night it was easy to have daydreams about Sara again, especially when her friend touched her and she couldn't see him doing it. But Sara's touch was different, it was special through all its sweet and bitter, soft and rough, gentle and heavy practices. Every human had its own special touch, but she missed Sara's because she loved Sara.
"Are you okay?" She opened her eyes, looked over her shoulder and felt the wetness on her face. She didn't realize she'd been crying all the time her friend was trying to get her in the mood. "Do you want us to stop?" She shook her head right away, wiping a couple of tears, and that's when he knew she wanted him only to forget and nothing more. It always hurt him and it still did, sometimes he liked to hurt her as well, but he was too kind-hearted to do that. His mother always criticized him about this trait. She told him that everybody would step over him because he's a kind-hearted man and he allowed evil to pry on him. Tegan wasn't evil to him, however. She was just a woman he loved dearly and she didn't love him back. He liked to think the love would end one day and he'd fall for another woman, one day.
"Come on." Tegan placed her hand over her friend's hand, which was placed on her hip. She shifted her legs and slightly parted them , her hand moving down as she felt the hardness poking her bum. "I'm wet enough." She whispered, her hand took the shaft squeezed between them and placed it where she wanted it. "Come on, Jer." And when she pronounced his name, it lit up his need, making him push between her thighs till he poked at her entrance. "Yes, good." She moaned when the slow motion took a faster and a harder pace all of a sudden.
Jeremy's hand moved to cup one breast as the pleasure began to override their entangled bodies. He quickened his pace, knowing too well how her friend liked him doing her. When he placed kisses over her shoulder, she remembered exactly why she wanted to feel her friend fucking her this way all of a sudden. She remembered when her ex lover did that. It wasn't a happy time, and it wasn't the most comfortable position the first time she ever tried it. Her professor was in pain as well, and she was blabbering about some poem, ya, that poem. That poem, what was it called? Bodies? Two Bodies? Ya, that's what it was called. Then she cried, she remembered crying just the way she's doing it now.
"Oh, God." She panted with tears and sweated with sobs, she moaned with sighs and cursed with sniffles. "Fuck." Her eyes were tightly squeezed shut when the pressure had begun to build up in her entire body.
"You like that? Is that good?" And then she felt the touch over her clit to help her reach her climax and moaned in response. She'd been told that men never care about the woman's need. She was told that women mostly do not really orgasm when sleeping with men. Sara told her that it only happened at the end of her relationships, but mostly her men cared about her need as much as theirs. Jeremy was much like the men Sara described, he loved her, he always made sure he's making her feel comfortable and okay, wasn't bothering her or hurting her. Since she started sleeping with the man, no night of pleasure ended up without him making her reach where she wanted. If it didn't happen, he usually went down on her to get her off. She often asked herself if that would have happened if she returned the feelings. She assumed it only happened in hopes she fell for him and stated loving him, but it's not like she had some control over her heart. She had control over nothing in her body, that's what she realized. Not her mind, not her heart, not her soul. They all always went against her inner self or the norm or anything that's supposed to happen. They were her rivals, all of them.
"Oh my God, Jeremy." She took his hand and squeezed it. These little moments when she called his name, held his hand, kissed him, held him, allowed him near, always gave him too much hope. It gave him that kind of hope that making her reach a cloud of ecstasy was his priority. It fueled his passion and made him thrust and push as lovingly as he could and as she desired. He felt himself close enough and he felt her walls tightening around him. He heard her sniffling and moaning and he loved her loud showcase of pleasure. He knew she's already there, riding her wave of euphoria, he wanted her to last, so he took a handful of her bum and quickened his pace till he felt himself joining her in pleasure.
Her eyes were closed and her tears escaped through the slits, she knew she'd wake up with sore and puffy lids in the morning. She also knew she might walk a bit funny. It disgusted her, but she needed it. And because she needed it, she was okay with it. Jeremy knew how to get her there, she wished she loved him, she always wished she loved him. And she did try to do so, sometimes that love happened in tight seconds when she rode her orgasm and immediately died as she sobered up. If she loved him she'd have everything, every tiny thing she wished for.
But now she's back to reality, and now she opened her eyes, and now she's panting, and now her heart was racing, and she realized...she didn't love him. She never loved him the way she loved Sara. Oh, Sara, why couldn't she be with Sara? Sara gave her that pleasure, Sara, what's Sara doing at such an hour of the night? That made her sob. It made her sob so much and it also made Jeremy hop back to his own hopeless thoughts: Tegan didn't love him. It was a stupid hope after all. They both built whatever that was on some silly hopes.
She faced the boy after he pulled out of her and she hugged him. She sobbed onto his bare chest, and then he kissed her on the lips, she kissed back and then pulled away. Why was she doing that? Why did she do that? It felt great being loved, but fuck, it sucked loving someone else so fucking much. It sucked loving Sara.
Sara left her shower in a hurry, realizing she took too long shaving parts of her body. Growing her hair seemed a bad idea when she was rather late to class. Now she had to straighten it each morning and style it in a good way, and now her face needed make up according to her. Wrinkles found their spots on the corner of her eyes and her lips. They were honestly unrecognizable, but she saw them so it mattered to her to cover them up.
When she was done, she ran down and walked as fast as she could to reach the university she taught at. Now that's another bad thing. She didn't have a car anymore, she didn't have anything in this city. She had sold everything before going back. Now she's starting fresh. She rented a very small apartment close to their university until she's capable enough to rent something bigger. She still had lots of savings but she was hiding these for other things. She's still not sure whether she'd stay in this city or not, it all depended on getting who she wanted. If she succeeded, then she would, maybe. Whatever Tegan wanted. But that would be great if she accepted to stay in this city. It's the city they met at, Sara already had a job, and she could build her life again with her lover. But if Sara never won Tegan back, then Sara decided it would be too painful for her to stay in the city they met at. She decided she'd move again and teach somewhere else. It all depended on that person and even though it made her feel silly and childish, she believed that she deserved to be silly and childish after all the pain she'd been through.
When she reached a new class she had to teach, she realized her students didn't realize she's the professor, so when she entered the class, most of them did not enter after her, which made her slam the door as hard as she could and smirk at every seated form in class. Nobody knew who she was, none of these people she had taught. It's a Creative Writing class, weren't students here supposed to be fourth year students? They were, that's why she chose it. Or maybe she was wrong, she probably was. She sighed as she scanned the unfamiliar faces. She hated teaching new students, God, she hated it. She also hated going over her rules and her strategies each class, but she had to, just to make things clear for everyone. She hated indiscipline, she hated morning classes, why did she choose morning classes? Oh, right, because Tegan Rain always chose morning classes and she wanted any chance to be as close to her.
Said lady turned the knob and opened the door. She was late as well, and she was right, it fucking hurt walking in the early morning. At first her eyes were squinted and she was biting on her lower lip, she hoped she wouldn't get on whoever teaching this class's bad side for the first time ever. It was probably someone who had taught her before, but last night, when she dropped the Technical Writing course and chose this one instead, she didn't see who was teaching it. Lots of classes had no name of an instructor next to them, it bothered her. She wanted to know who's going to teach her, what if it was...
And it was, it was her again. The narrowed eyes slowly opened up till they were dilated. "You've got to be fucking kidding me." She mouthed underneath her breath. Was it her luck or her fate? What was it exactly?
The thing was, Sara heard her, she turned around and looked at her. She smiled because it triggered her instinct to do so, but then she scanned her ex lover and she almost gasped when she realized how awfully fragile she looked. Tegan also looked at her professor, they shared the same looks and Tegan also wanted to gasp when her eyes fell on her glowing ex lover. Was she ever unbeautiful? She's gorgeous, how could someone be this gorgeous? How could she be mad at someone and they still succeeded in pulling her in and taking her breath away?
"Ms. Rain." Sara nodded, ushering her in. But Tegan kept standing, was Sara allowing her inside when she's late to class? Unbelievable, still showing favours. Still the same old Sara.
"Ten of us outside actually. I was late, but they didn't realize you're the doctor." She managed to speak with respect, without any expression, and she won. No stutter, no lisp, no smile. She's not the same old Tegan.
"That's fine. You can all come in. It's the first time I enter this class." Tegan was the first to enter, and Sara looked at her from behind and watched her reach to the end of the class and sit at the last row. Then the students began coming in one after another with timid smiles towards Sara's way. "I guess nobody knows me here anymore. That's the last time I'm letting anybody enter after me. Is that clear?"
"Tegan?" When the class ended, she was glad Tegan was so out of it the whole time that she managed to be the last not only to leave but to realize class was over. Sara blabbered about what they're going to write and what she's going to let them indulge in and how writing was a matter of personal preference and nobody could tell anybody how to write. Tegan was thinking about the slight ache between her thighs, about Jeremy being down when he drove her this morning, and about Sara showing up everywhere she's going like one of these demons following her in her dreams. Therefore, Sara was lucky enough to finally get to talk to her alone.
"Dr. Clement." Tegan nodded, gathering her notebook and pen in her backpack, not wanting to look at the woman with the sparkling eyes.
"I can't believe I'm talking to you again." She took a breath and chuckled in awkward confusion at her nervous heart, she hoped it wasn't showing too much.
"Are you going to teach every subject I take this semester?" Suddenly, the student asked, shaking her head and staring at her professor straight in the eye. Let's be honest, her heart was a fountain of tears, but her mind was too frozen to show any sort of emotion. Perhaps all the crying she performed the previous day helped her stand still and not shed any tear in front of her tormentor.
"Is it a bad thing if I do?" Sara Clement was always a hard-headed one. Always ready for a fight. For a competition. For dirty games. She couldn't help it. Her octave rose and she stepped closer with an eyebrow raised and sharp eyes ready to kill.
"Last time I checked, it was dangerous enough standing like that near me." Tegan was right. And it probably still was. But Sara didn't care. It's that one semester. That fucking semester, it needed to be over even if it just started. "Let me be, Sara. Let it go. Let me graduate while I'm still half sane." The last thing she expected was to be called by her first name. Sara stood there, confused and startled, she watched her lover leave the class and go. She also heard her words clearly. But how come? That was the Tegan who loved her and wanted her and begged to be with her. How come she's rejecting her now? No, that's not her Tegan. That's not her same soft Tegan? That's another woman. But she didn't do anything, she pushed her away because she didn't want to hurt her and squeeze her inside her miserable life.
Tegan rejected her without her even asking to be back. Was she that obvious? Did she seem that clingy? That's not her. God, she wasn't clingy, she was the opposite of that. What made this woman different and why was she running to get her when she often didn't get attached after too long? She loved Jack till she saw Tegan, yet she never chased him back again. And this was harder than she thought it would be. It's going to take a long time. She needed to get Tegan to her office, she had to talk to her. She needed to call Stacy, she had to ask her how. How could she do all that? She sucked at that. When she wanted Tegan the first time around, it only happened until Tegan snapped at her and called her names. She didn't know how to confront someone, she didn't know how to tell someone she wanted them so much, she couldn't do that easily, she had never done it. But it seemed that Tegan knew her too well even though she spent the least time with her. Tegan guessed it right away and she ordered her to keep out right away. All she had to do now was try and try and try to win her back just like it happened in these stupid movies she hated so much.