Title: SAVETHEWORLD.exe
Author: Aqua Phoenix1
Disclaimer: 24 and any places or people affiliated with it are not property of the author i.e. me.
Rating: PG (rated for mild swearing)
A/N: Let's deal with the obvious first, shall we? I do not know C or any other computer language for that matter, so I apologise in advance for any inconsistencies/faults in this story. Next, because I've had to condense this so much, many events that take place in 24 season three will not be depicted here for the sheer fact that if I did, this would become boring and tedious. However, if there is a particular joke you would like to see, please feel free to drop a review or email me and I'll do my best to incorporate it (full credit will be given to you, of course). The main idea for this fic came from a fellow author from the Les Miserables section of FFNet, AmZ.
Another thing: a dash (-) denotes an underscore. As you no doubt are already know, QuickEdit doesn't like these "special characters."
Warning: Big spoilers for S3. What did you expect? It is a summary, after all.
SAVETHEWORLD.exe
#include recklessness.h
#include silvertongue.h
#include tenacity.h
#include vigilance.h
#define look (x) intimidating-glare (x)
#define voice (x) SandpaperPlus version 2.1 (x)
#define terroristthreat MUST-BE-ELIMINATED
#define available Compromise (0)
void main ()
{
say(voiceover): / "The following takes place between 1:00pm and 2:00pm. Events occur in real time." /
{
enter(holding-facility);
scan(hand);
cringe(photo);
sneeze;
{
#define desired-sneeze-sound ACHOO
}
}
ignore(TATERHEAD);
if (RAMON-stabs-lawyer)
think(gotta-get-me-one-of-those-pens);
answer(phone-call-from-SOULPATCH);
connect(Salazars-with-virus);
break;
}
switch (ctu)
{
run(into-office);
refuse(to-come-out);
listen(SUNNY's-statistics-on-virus);
think(it's-gonna-be-another-one-of-THOSE-days-isn't-it?);
set-self (mode, heroic);
break;
{
case LEMONSUCKER-IS-BEING-WELL-HERSELF:
bite(off, LEMONSUCKER's-head);
when(TATERHEAD-asks-you-to-apologise);
apologise(LEMONSUCKER);
while(keeping-fingers-crossed-behind-back);
break;
}
case DAMN-COMPUTER-WON'T-DO-WHAT-IT'S-TOLD-DAMN:
become(frustrated);
ask("What is wrong with this system?");
when(TATERHEAD-fixes-it-what-an-amatuer-mistake);
think(there-goes-my-dignity);
break;
}
switch (office)
{
ignore(TATERHEAD);
pretend(there-is-no-problem);
brush(off, TATERHEAD);
when(probability-of-discovery=0.003%)
prepare(needle);
if(SPAWN-interrupts);
develop(overwhelming-sense-of-guilt);
throw(away, syringe-violently);
while (24fans-cheer);
break;
}
switch (Mexico)
{
case RAMON-ASKS-YOU-TO-KILL-TATERHEAD:
pull(trigger);
if (no-bang);
become(disappointed);
think(why-can't-things-go-right-for-a-change);
break;
}
case CONVINCE-ME:
kiss(bitch);
choke(bile);
beg(mentally) / "Enough with the torture! Just kill me already!" /
#define BITCH WILL-GET-WHAT'S-COMING-TO-HER
if (RAMON-is-threatening-to-shoot-you);
activate (Silver-Tongue); / SilverTonguePlus version 3.0 /
worm(way-out-miraculously);
think(meow);
break;
}
switch (aeroplane)
{
if (BITCH-makes-you-screw-up-ctu's-computer-system)
restrain(from-throwing-her-out);
think(why-do-I-continually-get-played-like-this?);
break;
}
switch (ctu)
{
case YOU-DON'T-HAVE-ANY-MORE-USEFUL-INFORMATION-DO-YOU:
shoot(BITCH);
gloat;
gloat;
gloat;
break;
{
case WEASELMAN'S-CAR-BLOWS-UP:
cheer(fireworks);
order(self, go-grab-some-popcorn);
break;
}
switch (ctu)
{
order(MICHELLE, question-ALVERS-about-his-boss);
order(LEMONSUCKER, crossmatch-description-against-everyone-in-my-service- file);
run(search);
10000001 match/es found
sigh(hopelessly);
think;
think;
develop(brilliant-idea);
order(LEMONSUCKER, broaden-search);
#include presumed-dead
run(search);
302 match/es found
order(ALVERS, identify-your-boss);
view(result-sent-to-your-screen);
SAUNDERS, Stephen H.
MI-6 agent
DOB: 5/3/1969
Nationality: British
Height (approx.): 6"4'
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Black
re-read (height)
CONTEMPTUOUS mode ON
}
switch (chopper)
{
when (probability-of-successful-capture=99.99993%)
{
answer(mobile);
instruct(TIGHTASS, leave-chopper);
wait;
wait;
wait;
drag(TIGHTASS-from-chopper);
case TIGHTASS'-LEGS-ARE-SHAKING:
roll(eyes);
say("I've got you.");
suppress(urge-to-shoot-up);
break;
}
if (forced-to-shoot-TIGHTASS);
set-self (mode, remorseful);
say("Sorry we failed you.");
steel(nerves);
say("God forgive me.");
pull(trigger);
while(24fans-cry-their-hearts-out);
break;
}
}
case SOULPATCH-HAS-BUSTED-JANE-OUT-I'M-GONNA-KILL-HIM:
pursue(SOULPATCH);
confront(SOULPATCH);
if (SOULPATCHpays-you-out);
poke(SOULPATCH);
cry(inwardly);
cry;
cry;
calm(down);
formulate(plan);
break;
}
switch (meeting-place)
{
case NO-VISUAL-ON-SAUNDERS:
wait;
wait;
wait;
wait;
remaining sanity: 20% approx.
case SAUNDERS'-PRESENCE-CONFIRMED:
order(all units, move-in);
if (SAUNDERS-slips-away-again)
set-self (mode, predatory);
pursue(POMMY);
fire(volley);
dodge(bullets);
if (chopper-appears-and-starts-firing)
call(aerial-support);
take(cover);
pray(God);
break;
{
case POMMY-IS-APPREHENDED-ABOUT-TIME:
cuff(asshole);
secure(premotion);
suppress(urge-to-laugh-at-receding-hairline);
imply(Ramon-was-prettier-than-this-man);
say("It's over, Stephen.");
}
if (SAUNDERS-replies); / "No Jack, it's only the beginning." /
kick(SAUNDERS, repeatedly)
break;
}
case SAUNDERS-REFUSES-TO-RELENT-SOMEONE-RESTRAIN-ME:
ask(Jane-go-speak-with-your-father);
observe(ensuing-conversation);
shudder(SAUNDERS'-scary-smile);
think(I-really-should-patch-things-up-with-Kim);
break;
}
switch (Chandler-Plaza-Hotel)
{
order(TATERHEAD, take-Jane-in);
observe(wild-ravings);
when(SAUNDERS'-voice-breaks);
think(now-that's-one-noise-you'll-never-get-out-of-me);
say("I'm gonna make you watch her die.");
avoid(punches);
suppress(laughter);
while (24fans-wonder-why-you-show-no-empathy)
break;
}
}
case THERE'S-ONE-VIAL-MISSING:
groan(inwardly);
smile(outwardly);
decide(I'll-get-this-guy);
drive(train-station);
break;
}
case TATERHEAD-HANDS-YOU-COFFEE:
set-self (mode, suspicious);
observe(coffee);
smell(coffee);
observe(coffee);
taste(coffee, with-tip-of-tongue);
if (coffee=boilinghot);
run(circles-hysterically);
scream("That's it, Chase! No more dating Kim!");
while(colleagues-laugh-in-your-face);
remaining sanity: 8% approx.
break;
}
switch (school)
{
split(up-from-rest-of-team);
search(bomb);
scare(kids);
call(TATERHEAD);
if (no-response);
develop(awful-premonition);
search(TATERHEAD);
break;
}
case TATERHEAD-LOCKED-THE-BOMB-ON-HIS-ARM-WHAT-AN-IDIOT:
cut(wire);
if (nothing-happens);
find(next-wire);
case THERE-IS-NO-NEXT-WIRE:
panic;
panic;
panic;
if (TATERHEAD-tells-you-to-leave);
refuse(heroically);
when(TATERHEAD-implies-chop-it-off);
refuse(heroically);
when(TATERHEAD-demands-chop-it-off);
think(thank-God-now-I-have-a-good-excuse);
do(the-deed);
grab(bomb);
chuck(bomb-in-refrigerator);
pray(that-thing's-airtight);
break;
}
}
case DAY-HAS-COME-TO-A-CLOSE:
sit(car);
cry(like-baby);
wipe(eyes);
cry(some-more);
while(24fans-go-awww);
answer(radio);
return(work, reluctantly);
}
else
keepsavingtheworldloop():
keepsavingtheworldloop():
keepsavingtheworldloop():
}
return (0);
}