HARRY: It's my birthday today. *sighs* I wonder if Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia will remember. I doubt it though. When it comes to me it seems they have Alzheimer's. I just wish something will happen, something interesting, something.

*Hagrid busts down door*

HARRY: Well, that was unexpected. Is this the something I've been waiting for? *runs to the door and hugs Hagrid* Mommy!

HAGRID: Huh? Get off me ya little bugger!

HARRY: Hmm, I guess not.

HAGRID: Hold on, is that you, young Harry?

HARRY: No, I'm Ronald the chicken.

HAGRID: Chicken? You ain't no chicken! It even says in your prophecy- *realizes he wasn't supposed to say anything about it* Er, it even says on the burger that, um, never mind.

HARRY: Prophecy? What prophecy?

HAGRID: Uhh… Prophet! That's what I meant. Harry, you're a prophet. *realizes what he just said and smacks forehead*

HARRY: Really?

HAGRID: Um, no.

HARRY: *starts to get suspicious* Who are you anyway?

HAGRID: You mean you don't know?

HARRY: Well, if I knew would I be asking you?

*Before Hagrid has time to answer, Hermione appears out of nowhere"

HERMIONE: Hi Harry!

HARRY: Who are you?

HAGRID: Hermione, you learned how to apparate! I knew you would be able to do it!

HERMIONE: (to Harry): Who's that guy?

HARRY: That's a very good question.

HAGRID: That guy is standing right here, you know.

HARRY: Oh, sorry. Okay, that guy, tell us who you are.

*Suddenly, a flying car comes in through the open front door, and Ron, Fred and George jump out*

RON, FRED, GEORGE: Hello Harry!!!

HARRY: Ugh, how does everyone know who I am? All these random strangers!

*Snape prowls into the room*

SNAPE: Harry Potter! 6 detentions for you because I'm bored and want to laugh at you. Oh, and 6432710432815432747012423064 points from Gryffindor for pretending you're worthy of staring at me like that!

*Dumbledore waltzes in, holding a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans*

DUMBLEDORE: Ooh, paper-flavoured!

HARRY: Has the world gone mad?! *starts watching Prank Patrol on TV*

*A whole crowd of people storm into the Dursleys' house*

CEDRIC DIGGORY: Harry, I'm alive again!

REMUS LUPIN: Harry, how nice it is to see your face! *grabs Tonks and the two start making out* *brief pause* Sorry, it's the hormones. That time of the month again, you know. *resumes activity*

HARRY: Shut up, everybody! I'm trying to watch Andy pull off that really cool stunt!

*Dumbledore and Snape are wrestling on the floor*

HARRY: (to Snape) Will you stop trying to kill him?

SNAPE: Well, he started it! *pouts*

DUMBLEDORE: He said that my hat was ugly!

VOLDEMORT: It is ugly!

HARRY: Ahhh! Where did you come from?

SIRIUS: Don't talk to him! He's evil! *puts hand on Harry's shoulder* I just want you to know that I'm here for you, godson.

HARRY: Why, er, thank you.

VOLDEMORT: *starts crying* I'm not evil. I'm not, okay? I only do what I do because that's what she told me to! *points at J.K. Rowling*

DUMBLEDORE: There, there. It's all okay. *pats Voldemort on the back*

VOLDEMORT: *sniffles* Thanks.

HARRY: *turns off TV* I can see I'm not going to be able to do anything until we resolve this mid-life crisis!

HERMIONE: Harry, you're only 11.

HARRY: Well, you know what I mean! Wait, how do you know how old I am?

HERMIONE: *blushes*

HARRY: Uh, lady… What's your name?

HERMIONE: Hermione.

VIKTOR KRUM: *pops up* No it's not! It's Hermyninny! *disappears*

HERMIONE: Pay no attention to the man wearing that Quidditch uniform.

HARRY: Alrighty then. So, Hermione, how do you know how old I am?

HERMIONE: Well… it's written all over your underwear.

HARRY: *sighs* I'm not even going to ask.

GINNY: Hey Harry, wanna play Quidditch?

HARRY: What's that?

GINNY: It's a type of bread developed by yours truly.

HARRY: I thought it was some kind of sport. Sounds familiar, too.

GINNY: Okay, you got me. It is a sport.

HARRY: Yes! Do I, like, get a trophy or something for getting that right?

GINNY: No.

HARRY: Aw, shucks. Would've looked good on my report card.

UNCLE VERNON: *comes downstairs* What is the meaning of this! It's all your fault, you peabrained Potter boy! Whatever happens, it's all your fault!

SNAPE: *drunk and mourning Lily* Oh nooo!!! It's a Muggle. *points wand at Uncle Vernon* Petrificus Totalius!

*Nothing happens*

SNAPE: Uh, Ridikullus! No? Sectunsenpra! Serpegsortia! Lelicorpus!

DUMBLEDORE: Snape, you're not drunk!

HERMIONE: Nice observation.

*She and Dumbledore drag Snape out of the house*

UNCLE VERNON: You see, Potter! You are responsible for getting that man drunk even though it was me that left the beer in plain sight. It's still your fault!

MCGONAGALL: Even though it was I, sir.

UNCLE VERNON: Excuse me?

MCGONAGALL: You need to use good grammar or else the black plague will get you.

UNCLE VERNON: Didn't that thing pass a long time ago? Like in the Renaissance or something?

MCGONAGALL: *clucks to herself* Ignorance, ignorance. It's shameful. A Muggle doesn't even know his own history. What is this world coming to?

HERMIONE, DUMBLEDORE: We're back!

EVERYBODY: Yay.

HARRY: Okay, this has been… great and all, but I'd really like to know what's going on?

RON: What do you mean?

HARRY: I was just celebrating my birthday when a bunch of lunatics, no offense, can into the house.

PETER PETTIGREW: Oh that. Well, let me explain. *sees Sirius* Never mind. *races off*

SIRIUS: I'll get you yet! *goes to chase Pettigrew*

HARRY: Would anyone else like to volunteer their liver- I mean, an answer?

NEVILLE: What'll I get if I do?

HARRY: A punch in the eye and a kick where the sun doesn't shine if you don't.

NEVILLE: *meekly* Alright. So, the reason we're here is because-

HERMIONE: Oh for goodness sake, this'll take all night. The reason why we're here-

HARRY: Yes?

HAGRID: -is because-

HARRY: Uh huh? Go on…

SNAPE: *runs into the room* You're a wizard, Harry!

HARRY: I'm a what?

FRED: Didn't you hear? A wizard!

*Harry faints*

GEORGE: Quick Somebody, call the firefighters!

*Hermione whispers in George's ear*

GEORGE: Er, someone call the cops!

HERMIONE: Oh, for goodness sake! Someone call an ambulance!

GEORGE: I knew that.

AN: Hi guys. So, as you can see, this is my version of the events that happened in the Harry Potter books, which I adore. Notice there are also references to The Wizard of Oz and Back to the Future in this chapter. I'm just having a little fun with this, and nothing is to be taken seriously. It's just pure randomness that comes from my crazy, messed up brain. Tell me what you think of it. Reviews are very welcome. :)