Love Her Til the End
"It's a heartbeat. You'll never be ready…"
Loki cursed himself silently as he sat beside the bed, watching as she turned with a groan in her sleep. To a mortal who was used to it, the flu was nothing. To one of the Aesir, it was terrifying. Seeing just how easily a simple sickness could completely incapacitate a Midgardian drove Loki mad, and he hated himself for even allowing himself to become so emotionally tied to someone so fragile in the first place.
"How's she doing?" Thor asked as he peered through the doorway.
"She says she's fine," Loki answered, not taking his eyes off her. "She still hasn't eaten anything yet…"
"Jane said that's to be expected," Thor said, stepping in to stand beside his brother. "I remember the first time Jane was sick. Something they refer to as the common cold. But I saw her body shake with every cough, and her voice faded away to a rasp… I couldn't leave her side until it had passed."
"I care not for your reminiscing, Brother," Loki hissed, but Thor let it go, knowing full well what his brother was going through.
"I'm only saying that this will pass, Loki," he said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "These mortals may be fall ill easily, but they're stronger than you think. If she says she's fine, it probably means she is." He smiled sadly before adding, "And once she's well you'll almost feel foolish for letting yourself worry so."
Loki said nothing, and Thor simply patted him on the shoulder, turning to leave.
"How do you cope?"
Thor paused and glanced back at his brother, who was looking at him with a hint of fear in his eyes, a fear that had also been present in his tone when he'd asked the question.
"When you know that they're going to die sooner than you can blink… and you'll remain long after they've turned to dust… how do you cope?"
Thor sighed, his expression growing solemn, and he answered, "By loving her til the end."
Just as Thor said, soon Loki's fragile mortal was on her feet and well again as though nothing had happened. Over the years, sickness came and went, and it became less terrifying to handle as he grew used to each of the common illnesses a Midgardian was doomed to endure, but there was always a part of him that would worry.
The years passed, long to her, but not long enough for him. And while 20 years was a considerable amount of time for a romance on Midgard, 43 was still a young age to approach the end.
When Jane told Thor the news, he wasted no time in reaching the mortal's flat, finding Loki sitting alone in the living room, the look on his face very similar to the look he'd worn after their mother was killed. "Where is she?" Thor asked.
"Upstairs," Loki answered, staring at a wall. "Sleeping." Thor took a deep breath and seated himself next to his brother at a complete loss for words, half expecting Loki to order him to leave.
But he didn't. He simply sat there, staring at the wall. Thor could only imagine the thoughts going through his head.
"Jane says… that the advances in medicine-"
"Don't," Loki interrupted. "No empty promises, Brother. No false hope. Do not use it to comfort me because it does not help."
"But perhaps a cure could be found?"
"There is no cure," Loki said, closing his eyes. "Even if there ever will be one it won't arrive fast enough. I've read all about it. I know what the cancer will do to her body." Tears rolled down his cheeks as he struggled to keep his voice level. "And the treatments they have? They're torture! She will be begging for death before the end!" He choked and pursed his lips, unable to talk and Thor sat silently, wishing he had his brother's gift for words at a time like this.
"She is strong, Loki."
"Not this time," he whispered, looking to his brother, his expression broken. "This isn't a cold or the flu. This isn't a fever or a minor injury that she'll simply shake off. They've even given her a timeline." He choked again as another tear escaped. "We've less than a year."
Thor shook his head, knowing better than to offer any more empty words of encouragement. All he could say was, "I'm so sorry…"
And for the first time in years, Loki broke down and wept, holding his head in his hands as his body shook with sobs, and Thor sat beside him, his company the only thing he had to offer his brother.
An hour passed, and Loki composed himself, drying his swollen eyes, and sitting back, looking up the stairs in the direction of his lover's bedroom.
"I'm not ready for this, Brother," he whispered.
Thor sighed and looked to him, saying firmly, "Love her til the end."
The months passed. Weeks of painful treatments, days of weakness, moments of sorrow. Loki had seen to it that she'd had care provided at home so she wouldn't have to die in a hospital, and he remained by her side as each day passed. He read to her, he watched movies with her, and some nights they stayed up all night, talking about past memories or pleasant thoughts. Sometimes they talked about her final wishes.
"I never liked the idea of Heaven," she whispered one night, causing his brow to furrow.
"A land of eternal paradise?" he asked. "No more suffering or pain? 'And He shall wipe every tear from their eye..'"
"I know about that," she whispered, cracking a small smile. "What they never talk about is how it's also supposed to be a place of eternal worship… who wants to spend eternity doing nothing but worship?"
He forced a sad smile and shrugged. "I've never thought of that."
"Do you believe in an afterlife?" she asked, laying her head on his shoulder.
"I've told you about Hela," he said, glancing down at her and she chuckled.
"You know… I'd be all right if death was really the end."
"Why?" he asked, seeming stunned by her statement.
"…I guess I was always all right with this life, this world… everything… it just seemed like enough. Anything else… just sounds needless." She snuggled closer to him and took his hand. "Besides, this is exactly where I'd want my story to end," she whispered. "With you here with me. Not an eternity of worship or some other afterlife. Just this."
Loki smiled, tears stinging his eyes, and he kissed the top of her head lovingly. "I think I can accommodate that," he whispered.
And then the day came.
Her breathing was ragged, her eyelids were heavy, and her body was weak. Loki lay in bed with her, cradling her tightly against himself, listening as she held on to the last bit of life in her body.
His tears did not come. He had already grieved over this moment heavily in private over the last few months. He didn't want her to spend her last moments watching the pain her passing would bring. Instead, he wanted her to know it was safe to depart, that she need not hold on and suffer any longer on his behalf.
Forcing himself to maintain that strength was almost too much, even for him, but he managed to keep himself composed as he kissed her forehead for the last time.
"This…" she whispered weakly. "I would… gladly… have this be my Heaven."
The threat of tears returned and he hid it by swiftly placing a kiss on her cheekbone, and she took a deep breath, reaching up to stroke his face. "I love you," she whispered.
"Always…" Loki choked, only managing that one word, but knowing she knew him well enough to know everything he wished he had the strength to say.
Smiling, she whispered two words. "…my Heaven."
Her hand dropped, her breathing stilled, and her eyes looked past him, unseeing.
His body trembled, his tears falling, and he sat silently, unable to find the strength to let her go.
In his mind, he could still hear his brother's words.
"Love her til the end…"