She cringed as she looked down into her daughter's crib, keeping her distance. At first sight the little girl looked sweet and charming, but Karen couldn't see that anymore. A week had passed, and she literally hadn't held her child once. Will stayed with her overnight and came straight to her apartment after work, and Rosario had agreed to stay with her during the times he was gone.
But that was all changing. Will decided that he should probably go back to living in his apartment, since everything he owned was a decent distance away. He was leaving her alone with the baby, and she wasn't at all prepared.
"Are you sure you want to leave, honey? Maybe just another week." She didn't even turn to face him as he collected his belongings and prepared to go home.
"Kare, that's ridiculous. It's not like I'm never coming back. If you need anything you can call me." He turned her to face him with his hands upon her shoulders, meeting her cold eyes. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." He studied her face for a moment, but didn't push the issue. It was obvious to him that she wasn't necessarily comfortable with motherhood, but it was for her own good to be left alone. She needed to start doing things for herself if Marie was going to live with her.
"Good…" He leaned forward and placed a kiss upon her lips. "Call me if you need anything, and I mean anything."
"I will, honey." And he left. She took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen. The nursery was close enough that she didn't have to worry about not hearing the baby if she woke.
She placed a pot of water upon the stovetop and turned on the burner. Will had taught her how to make spaghetti, which wasn't difficult, and she figured she may as well have dinner early. There was nothing better to do with her time, so food sounded like a good way to occupy it.
Keith whined a bit and rubbed against her ankle, hoping to get a piece of whatever she was cooking. She only pushed him back with her foot, sighing at his persistence. She opened a magazine, looking for expensive new clothes she could wear since her body was on its way back to what she considered normal. Perhaps she could begin going to social events again, get a bit of her personality back.
The water began to boil, and she broke the noodles and finished making her spaghetti. It wasn't the worst she'd ever eaten, but it didn't taste like it did when Will made it. There was something that he did, with seasoning or something, that made it taste wonderful. After eating only half of what she made, she cleaned off her plate and placed it in the dishwasher.
The glass of wine went smoothly down her throat. She hadn't consumed alcohol since she discovered her pregnancy, and she suddenly realized how much she had missed it. She filled her glass once more and drank, a bit slower than before.
A piercing cry filled the air, and she felt as if she could vomit. It felt way too soon for her to witness her own incapability. Her feet carried her to the nursery, slowly. Her eyes looked down to the face of her crying infant, and she froze. She didn't reach for the baby, frankly she didn't care all that much about the crying.
The tiny face contorted in discomfort and her legs began to kick, but Karen hadn't the slightest idea what to do. Did she change her diaper? Was it time to give her a bottle? Will seemed to instantly know exactly what to do, but the instinct was absent from her. She hated to be weak, but she picked up her phone and dialed.
"Rosie, what do I do?" Her trusted maid, and friend, would know what to do. And she wouldn't tell anyone else about Karen's uncertainty. There was no way she would call Will because he would begin to worry. She would have rather suffered the wrath of Rosario's jokes than let him think there was something she couldn't do. "The thing is crying, and I don't know how to make it stop."
"That 'thing' is your daughter, Miss Karen."
"Just tell me what to do."
"You pick her up, comfort her, check her diaper, change it if it needs to be changed, and give her a bottle. Then, burp her after she finishes and comfort her again until she falls back asleep. Or, if she isn't tired, play with her for a little bit."
"Wait, is there any way I can do that without having to pick her up? That's a lot." Silence was heard on the line, and she could feel the judgment. She knew instantly how foolish she sounded. "Ugh, fine. I'll see you later."
She hung up her phone and looked down at her little girl once more. She was crying louder than before, and Karen knew what she had to do. She placed her hands beneath the child and lifted her from the crib, cradling her to her chest. Her hand made its way over the diaper, giving her relief in the fact that it wasn't in need of changing.
While the bottle was warming in the microwave, she took a deep breath and relaxed. She had heard once that a baby could sense fear, so calming herself was her first step. Marie began to settle a bit, cuddling her face into Karen's chest.
She fed her child, the way she had seen Will and Rosario do it, and patted her back until she had no gas. It all felt unnatural, but she went through the necessary steps to keep the child happy. Motherhood was not at all what she had expected, and she wasn't sure if it would feel any better as time passed.
She lay back upon the couch and allowed Marie to rest on her chest as she patted her back. Running her hand over the child's head she discovered how soft her dark hair was. She smelled clean and gentle, if that were possible, and as she drifted to sleep Karen heard small sounds of contentment echoing from her throat.
Karen slowly stood, so she wouldn't wake the child, and walked into the nursery to return her to the crib. Relief was felt as she stepped away, finally allowing her nerves to take over her mind. She took the monitor into her room and got under the covers of her bed. It felt lonely without Will, but she was used to being alone.
And she realized that, that was how life was going to be. She and Marie would be home together while Will was at his own apartment. She was alone when it came to caring for her child, and that scared her.
"Miss Karen?" Rosario entered her bedroom, and she sat up to meet her friend's gaze.
"What the hell are you doing here?" The maid moved closer and sat on the edge of the bed, taking Karen's hand in her own.
"You sounded pretty worried on the telephone. I wanted to make sure everything is okay."
"Thanks, Rosie, but its fine."
"You mean you actually touched her?" Karen met her eyes, not thinking the joke was at all funny. She was also slightly embarrassed that someone else knew a bit of what she was thinking.
"Am I a bad person? I don't even want to touch my own child, I'm terrible."
"No, you're a new mother. You're just feeling scared right now, but the sooner you jump in and start caring for her, the sooner you'll feel better."
"When will I love her?" There was silence. She knew she should have kept that thought to herself, but she had to know. She didn't want to continue feeling that way.
"You already do. Miss Karen, you just have to take a deep breath and embrace this situation."
"Would you stay with me tonight, Rosie? I'll pay you." Rosario smiled and took off her jacket, standing.
"You don't have to pay me; I'll do it as a friend. But I'm not doing anything for you. I'm only here for guidance if you have a question."
"Okay." She stood and hugged her friend, taking some comfort for herself. "Thank you."