Written by Rae
Disclaimer: I don't own Hanakimi.
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Mizuki zipped her duffel bag with an air of finality, gazing down at the object with a face so unhappy that it almost seemed as if the rain was not only beating down outside, but inside, as well. More harshly, even, if one was to compare her gloomy expression and how turbulent her feelings were to the downpour outside. There was bleakness in her eyes and weariness in her form, and her mouth was curved downwards in a way that suggested it would remain that way for a long, long time, almost as if the girl had suddenly lost, if not forgotten, her will to smile.
One could only wonder if the girl would ever recover.
She turned her head slightly to look at the young man lying asleep on the bed. His arm, one of them, was flung above his head and the other was curled on his stomach. He looked unruffled, so much so that she couldn't help but wonder if he was always this impassive both awake and asleep. He probably was. But there was that air around him that was never there whenever he was conscious. An air of childlike innocence that he only showed whenever his guard was down; whenever he was oblivious and unaware of his surrounding.
And unaware he would be, she thought. Because heavens only knew that if he was to find out about this, it would be the final blow.
Several thoughts passed fleetingly through her mind, all of which were related to how he would react when he learned of her true persona. Perhaps he would laugh at her and at her reason for attending his school. Perhaps he would find her strange and possibly perverted for going to such school in the first place.
And perhaps he would hate her, as well, for having lied to everyone, including him.
"But no more," she said softly, lifting a hand to caress his cheek, feeling its warmth. His warmth. "No more."
She would not continue on with this charade any longer. Coming that morning, she would leave Japan for America. She would leave this school. She would leave it all behind. It was incredibly unpleasant, the thought, and yet…
Despite how she wanted to continue on watching him jump, being with the friends she made, and being with him all day, she had also wanted, deep inside, to be free of this deceit. Because it was getting harder and harder, having to lie to the people of whom she had begun to care for. Each day of being involved with this deception, each day…
She slowly withdrew her hand away from him. Her vision was becoming a blurry mess, and her throat felt as if it was closing up. She had to get out here before she started crying like an idiot.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
She gazed at him for the last time, letting out a sigh as she silently bid him goodbye. She hadn't even taken a step out of the dorm yet and already she felt lonely.
She was about to turn away and walk towards the door when a hand suddenly grabbed her wrist. And for a moment, she stood still, not daring to move, or breath, even, until the slight tightening of the person's hold on her wrist compelled her to turn. To him. And when she did, she was met with calm, incisive eyes, looking at her so steadily that she knew that he was truly awake.
"Sorry for what?" Izumi asked.
"Y…you heard me?" she mumbled lamely. She cursed herself silently. She wasn't counting on being heard by him. What other things did he hear her say? Was he awake all that time? Did he feel her touch his face? Heat suddenly suffused her cheeks as she realized in mortification that he probably did.
"I wouldn't be asking you if I didn't," he said. Then he frowned when he saw the duffel bag she had flung over her shoulder. "Never mind that. Where are you going?"
"Oh." She looked at the bag as if she just realized it was there. "Um. There are some things I have to return to a friend, and I'm dropping it off at her place this morning."
"You have female friends in Japan?" There was mingled amusement and suspicion in his voice.
She found herself replying with a "Of course I do, I have plenty", and then immediately regretting it as it really wasn't true. She didn't have time to make any female friends, and aside from Rio, she was not at all friendly with a lot of girls her age.
Goodness, but she was starting to get really good at lying.
He, apparently, thought so, too.
"Liar," he said softly.
She felt herself redden once again, this time with anger. There was something about him declaring her a liar that made her feel angry. At herself, at him, at both, she didn't know. Maybe it was because he rarely accused anyone of anything and meant it that could have one feeling especially low about the thing they were accused of. Or maybe his accusation just proved to be true.
"Whether I am or am not, it's none of your business," she muttered. "I'm afraid I have to go now. If you'll excuse me." She tried to pull her hand from his grasp, but he tightened his grip even more. She looked at him, exasperated. "Sano-kun—"
"I doubt the things inside that bag belong to a friend of yours," he said. His eyes held hers, assessed hers. "Are you leaving this place, Mizuki?"
"I told you, none of this is any of your business," she snapped.
"Are you?" he persisted.
"Yes, I am!" she nearly bellowed, suddenly feeling very, very frustrated. "You know the answer, are you happy? Now let go of my hand." She gave her hand a tug. His grip didn't budge. "Dammit, Sano, let go—"
But he didn't let go. In fact, he did the exact opposite. He pulled her towards him.
It was so unexpected that all she managed to do was open her mouth in surprise. And then she was tumbling forward, falling half on the bed and half onto him. Her face landed on his chest, and she shivered when she felt his warmth, the same warmth she had felt earlier with her hand, graze her cheek.
"What—what are you doing?" she gasped. "For God's sake, I'm a guy—"
"Why?" he asked, ignoring what she said altogether.
"Why what?"
"Why are you leaving?"
"B-because," she stuttered, not knowing what to say. What was she supposed to say? The truth? She sighed. The guy already found out part of it, so might as well.
"Because the principal is booting me out. For…for reasons I cannot say. Now do you mind if we hold ourselves in a less compromising position? It's embarrassing. I don't even want to answer to anyone who might barge in right now and see two men lying close to each other…" her voice faltered when he suddenly slid his arm beneath her head and pressed her closer to him. She gulped. "…Um…"
"You know, this feels really familiar," he murmured. She nearly bolted upright when she felt his breath on her ear. Heavens, but he was that close? "Almost like I'm having a sense of déjà vu."
She frowned. "Excuse me?"
"There was that one time you sleepwalked, remember? You snuggled up to me then, and I held you…" her eyes widened when she felt his lips move to her hair. "…like this…"
"This is wrong," she whispered. "Why are you doing this to me?" You shouldn't be doing this to me at all, she thought despairingly. Because you're making it harder than it already is. Because the more you act like this, the less I can resist you…the less I can resist you, the deeper I fall.
And the deeper I fall, the harder it is to climb back up.
She suddenly felt him grow still beside her. Then before she knew it, he was letting her go and was sitting upright.
"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I honestly didn't know what came over me. I didn't know what I was doing. Well, I did, but…I mean, you were just there, looking like how you were looking, and," he ran a frustrated hand through his hand, "what was I thinking?"
She gazed at him sadly, feeling something akin to pain as she witnessed his regret over what he did. She suddenly froze when a thought occurred to her, and she felt something else twist inside her.
Anxiety.
"Sano," she blurted out hurriedly, "that time when I sleepwalked, you said that I, um, snuggled up to you. So then, could you have…could you have felt…?" she blushed, not knowing what to say next. What if he didn't know that she was a girl? What was she supposed to say then? But…lying close to him like that without her vest…it was impossible for him not to have felt her torso!
Please…she thought, let me be wrong.
He suddenly became eerily silent. She closed her eyes tightly. He knows. Oh no, oh no, oh no. He knows!
"What the hell's the use," she heard him say under his breath. Then he said almost resignedly, "Do I know that you're a girl, you mean? Yes, as a matter of fact I do."
He knows.
She couldn't speak, couldn't utter a word if her life depended on it. At first, all she felt was shock, and then it was humiliation, and then it was back to being shocked again.
Finally, she managed to speak.
"You knew all along?" she uttered. "Then…then why?" When he didn't answer, she grabbed his arm and forced him to face her. "Why did you let me go on with my pretense?"
"What was I supposed to say?" he shot back. "'Hi, I know you're a girl, now tell me what you're doing here?'"
"You could have still told me!"
"What good will that do? It's only going to cause complications!"
"I could've saved myself the embarrassment!" she yelled.
She saw his patience snapped.
"Then why the hell did you come here in the first place?!" he shouted.
She recoiled, feeling as if she'd been slapped. He was breathing harshly, most likely from shouting.
"Look," he said tiredly, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shouted."
"No," she said shakily, "you have every right to shout. You're the one who've been deceived after all."
"No, it's not that…"
"Tell…tell everyone the whole story if you want," she said, making a move to slide off the bed. "Tell them how I've been misleading them all this time. Tell them…tell them how I'm sorry."
"Mizuki…"
Tears were welling up in her eyes, and she furiously tried to blink them back, but they were already streaming down her cheeks, and she didn't know how she could stop it or even if she had the power to do so. She ducked her head so that her hair would conceal her face from his view, preventing him from seeing her tears.
"Now you know why I was saying sorry earlier," she said, laughing bitterly. "Now you know."
He was silent, at a loss of what to say.
"I have to go," she muttered. "My flight's scheduled for this morning. I bid you goodbye, Sano Izumi." She grabbed her duffel bag and hurried towards the door.
"Mizuki," he called out.
She kept walking.
"Mizuki."
She was almost at the door.
"Mizuki!"
She heard his footsteps pound against the floor, and then he was behind her, pressing his palm on the door to prevent her from going any further. She kept her gaze firmly ahead of her. She didn't want to look at him. She refused to want to look at him.
"When I decided not to tell you," he said quietly, "it wasn't because I meant to embarrass you and tell you in the end that I knew all along. It was because I…I didn't…Mizuki, look at me when I'm talking to you so you'll see for yourself that I'm telling the truth." She didn't. "Dammit, look at me!"
He grabbed her shoulder to twist her around, and then flinched when he saw her tear-stricken face.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Mizuki…" he said, looking shaken. "Stop crying. You have nothing to apologize for, you idiot. If you think yourself terrible for misleading everyone, then consider me as bad as you are for not telling what I know. And I'm pretty sure," he said more quietly, slowly running his thumb on her face to wipe her tears, "that your reason for coming here isn't for vile intents."
No. It wasn't for vile intents, but it was selfish, nonetheless.
"I just wanted to be with you," she murmured. She felt his hand freeze for half a second, and then continue on with what it was doing prior to her comment. "It sounds selfish, I know, but it was the very reason why I came here in the first place. To see you jump, and to just be around you." She sighed, her sigh resounding in the empty room. "But now I can't."
"You can."
She looked up at him, looking both doubtful and amused. "I can't. It was the principal who found out. He was looking through my past records, unfortunately."
He frowned thoughtfully. "But who said you have to leave for the states?" he said. "There's a co-ed school close to here, why couldn't you just attend there?"
She looked startled. Heck, she felt started.
"Sano," she said, laughing wobblingly, "if I didn't know better, I could've sworn you wanted me to stay."
Much to her surprise, she saw heat suffuse his face. He looked away, and then started saying incoherent mumbles that she couldn't quite grasp.
"Slow down, Sano!" she said, feeling slightly perplexed at his odd behavior, "I can't understand what you're saying."
Mumbles.
"What?"
"I said, what if I do?" he muttered.
"What if you do what?"
He looked down at her, looking suddenly serious, his embarrassment apparently forgotten. She looked back nervously, anxiously, her mouth feeling suddenly dry.
"What if I want you to stay?"
"Want--want me to stay…?"
A hand hooked itself on her chin, leaving her no choice but to look up at him. She gulped inaudibly when she saw the intense look he was giving her.
"Sou desu ne. What if I don't want you to leave?" he asked. His breath fanned her cheeks as he inched closer towards her. "What if I want the same thing as you do?"
"What are you saying?" she whispered. "You couldn't possibly…"
"Don't you know why I kept your secret to myself for so long?" He paused when he saw her shook her head. "Haven't you realized it yet?"
She stared at him in wordless confusion and hope. It was the only thing she could do at that moment. She couldn't speak even if she was to be threatened with disembowelment.
He laughed softly, the sound cynical. "Idiot. I wanted you to stay with me, and you couldn't do that if I tell you my knowledge of your identity. And despite how much I wanted to, I couldn't simply confess to you, with you still thinking that I saw you as a male. Because then--"
"Because then I'd have thought of you as a homosexual," she finished for him, finally finding her voice. Her smile came hesitantly, but it was there, nevertheless. He smiled back, and the atmosphere around them suddenly eased up.
"And we wouldn't want that, do we?" he asked softly.
Her smile widened. "No, we certainly don't."
He looked at her with an expression akin to gentleness. Then he suddenly let go of her chin, and before she knew it, he was reaching out for both her hands and entwining it with his, subsequently placing his chin on the top of her head. They stood there for a long time in comfortable silence, content with just being with each other's company.
She suddenly felt him stiffen a yawn.
"Tired?" she asked.
"You chose a very early time to sneak out," was all he could mumble.
"Idiot. Go back to sleep then, if you're that sleepy."
He seemed to be considering her suggestion seriously, but for what reason, she didn't know.
But she soon found out. Indeed, she did.
Grabbing the duffel bag away from her, he threw it on the floor and then swiftly picked her up. She opened her mouth in silent surprise as he carefully walked back towards the bed.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm not going back to sleep unless I'm certain you're not leaving."
"I'm not going to leave!" she protested. He deposited her on the bed, and then walked around to climb on the other side. "Mou, but you can be so stubborn."
He slid along side of her, ignoring her. And all thoughts of complaints left her as he gathered her in his arms and tucked his chin on the crown of her head. He pulled the covers over them, and then she was enveloped with warmth.
"You think," he suddenly whispered into her ear, "that after the trouble it took for you to get here, I'd actually let you go?"
"You didn't actually made it clear that you felt that way," she pointed out half-heartedly.
"After all those hints I gave you? You're an idiot, as usual…"
"Be quiet, Sano," she mumbled. "You're ruining the moment—as usual."
"All I'm trying to say," he said, reaching out to toy with the strands of her hair, "is that I'm not about to let you go easily, Mizuki Ashiya."
"Well, it's going to be same for you, buddy," she murmured, her eyes closed, "I didn't go through all this trouble just to see it come to waste."
A smile touched her lips as she heard him chuckle softly. She had not forgotten how to smile, after all.
She doubted she ever will.
Later on…
"My flight! I completely forgot about it!"
Chuckles.
"I know."
"Sano…!"
And even later on…
"Izumi~! Mizuki~! Are you two still asleep? You're going to miss breakfast—KYAA! What the hell? Why are you two lying down like that?"
"What the hell are you doing, poking in someone's room without knocking on the door?"
"Why don't you answer me first, you—you pervert!"
"What's going on in there, Nakatsu?"
"Yea. What's going on?"
Two additional heads poked in the room.
"Oh my."
Blink, blink.
"Guess that's what kept them in bed for so long."
"Dammit, it's not what you think it is!"
A certain black-haired teenager appeared.
"What's all the commotion about? Ah!"
"It's the dorm head!"
"Ugh, this can't get any worst—nani?"
Sounds of camera clicking.
"Ku ku ku ku, wait till I publish this!"
"...Looks like you spoke too soon."
Groan.
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.....Um. Mizuki does call him (Izumi) Sano, right? o_O