FANFICTION
Crack fic of legend!
A/N: This is a wacky crack fic that I wrote at 3am in the morning, it's entirely insane so please take nothing seriously. Hold onto your seats and enjoy the wild ride of insanity and no sleep! WARNING! This fic contains heavy use of swearing and general insults! Don't read if you're offended by the use of F-bomb because, believe me, it's in here a LOT!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the rights to Harry Potter, and never will. This is not for profit, blah blah blah, legal jargony stuff... J. owns this wonderful universe and she rocks harder than two kangaroos rootin' each other!
Harry enters the Great Hall. Everyone already present is eating breakfast and chatting happily.
HARRY: Alright motherfuckers, listen up! So you know how that fucktard Voldy was—
MCGONAGALL: Harry James Potter! How dare you use such profanity in the presence of His Greatness, Albus Dumbledore! Come here immediately!
HARRY: Waves his wand at McGonagall. Silence bitch. You do not speak when I, Harry James Potter, the fucking Chosen One, is fucking speaking. Silencio!
MCGONAGALL: Strides angrily towards Harry, screaming words that come out with no sound.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry! I must insist that you remove the silencing charm from Professor McGonagall at once!
HARRY: Listen here, Mr. Fucking High Almighty Headmaster. I do as I fucking please, when I fucking please, however I fucking please. You can't presume to tell me what to do, you idiotic fuck. Harry turns back towards the stunned sea of students. Now, as I was saying before those two idiotic excuses for teachers interrupted me, that fucktard Voldemo—
DUMBLEDORE: Mr Potter! You will obey my authority and remove the silencing charm at once! Then you will apologize to myself and Professor McGonagall. You are in no position to order me about as you please. You will proceed to do as I asked, then leave the Great Hall immediately and go straight to my office. Boy, you better believe if you weren't important to my cause against Voldemort and were any other normal student, you would be expelled and out of this school for good.
HARRY: Freezes then silently turns to face Dumbledore and McGonagall. What the actual fuck did I think I heard you say? Are you actually as stupid as you look?! I've got news for you, old man. I'm Harry fucking Potter. I can do whatever the fuck pleases me. And I'm not going to let an old fucktard like you stop me. So go fuck yourself. CRUCIO!
DUMBLEDORE: PROTEGO MAXIMA!
HARRY: Too slow, old man. AVADA KEDAVRA ULTIMATUM MOTHERFUCKER!
DUMBLEDORE: NOOOO! Falls to the ground and promptly dies.
HARRY: Now it's your turn, McFuckingGonagall! AVADA KEDAVRA ULTIMATUM!
MCGONAGALL: Falls to the ground and promptly dies.
STUDENTS: NOOOOOOOO! Random screaming and hysteria.
HARRY: Oh calm down you dickbags! They're better off dead. Give me one reason that we should have even kept them around. They can't even run this fucking school. You are all better off without them! Think of all the things you can do now! Whatever the fuck you fuckers want! Now who is fucking with me?!
STUDENTS: YEAAHHHH! POTTER! POTTER! POTTER! POTTER!
HARRY: Damn right, bitches.
- TBC -