Tormented Chapter 1, a d.gray-man fanfic

Chapter 1: Tormented

His body was damaged almost beyond repair, and he drifted in the space between consciousness and eternal slumber. Yet he could not remember why. He was cold, and alone.

As the fang was yanked out of his body in one swift and bloody stroke, air rushed into his body cavity, searing the surface like a liquid fire. Someone scream. It was a terrible sound, and it sounded more animal than human. It was the most primal expression of pain.

Then he realized it was his own voice.

Kanda lost the battle to stay awake, and slipped into oblivion. Memories floated past in his mind as he sank deeper and deeper into the realm of death and despair…

oooo

When Kanda first arrived at the HQ…he knew it was a heartless place.

He would always remember his first time at the headquarters. Malcolm Leverrier's steely, cold voice came through the door. "Come in."

Kanda could feel Old man Zhu's hand tighten on his shoulder, and together they walked into the middle of the meeting room. It was dark... he could make out five occupants. They were wearing black, and were one with the darkness.

"Zhu, you may leave." Leverrier said coolly, his dismissal was absolute. "Leave the child here." Zhu gave a glare of defiance, then squeezed Kanda's shoulder before turning and leaving.

Kanda was left alone.

He could feel their scrutiny, the five people appraised him from top to toe, and Kanda felt as if he was being peeled. There was just silence. The man wearing a mask–General Winters- cursed, then gave a maniacal laugh that filled the whole room.

"You stand before the Generals." Leverrier hissed at Kanda. "Do not speak unless you are spoken to."

Kanda nodded and noticed that the lacey man in the corner had gone starry-eye while staring at him.

"Ladies, gentlemen, this is Kanda Yuu. Japanese."

"Yuu…What a pretty name." the lacey man commented, a dreamy look on his face. "You'll be a beautiful woman in ten years."

The woman- General Cloud Nyne- asked uncertainly, "…How old is she? Seven?"

"Ten years old." Leverrier replied, trying to hide his laughter, consulting his clipboard. "And if I may correct you, general Cloud. It's a he."

"He?" The general with frilly clothes-Cross Marian –questioned with wide eyes, he almost fell off his chair. "Aw, what a pity…"

"Innocence type?"

"Equipment-type. Sword form, it was procured by Teacher Zhu, he named it 'Mugen'." Leverrier replied as he passed Kanda's sword to General Cloud, who was the closest to him. They took turns to examine the innocence.

"What the hell." Cross scorned, and put both his legs on the table. "Who cares about all that when he's so puny. We are an Order, not an orphanage."

"I agree with Cross for once." The guy in a colourful apron-Fior Tiedoll- said, "He's too young to be trained."

The man who laughed in the beginning observed, "He's only as tall as his sword." then continued laughing. "Come on kid, you can cry. Papa and mama will come and save you!"

"Oh, shut it." Cloud snapped, "You're talking to yourself."

"Generals, he will be trained. This is a direct order by the Pope."

"The Pope?!" Cross was outraged, "That old man must be senile, ordering us to train a useless kid."

"This is indeed as young as any exorcist can get." Cloud commented with a cynical expression. "We don't train those under the age of twelve, it's like baby-sitting."

"Furthermore, it just isn't ethical, look at him, he's still a boy." Tiedoll shook his head, "We shouldn't drag children into the fray."

"Don't look at me. I'll kill him if he asks me for candy." Winters commented off-handedly.

"To hell with the pope." Cross replied smugly.

"Your concerns are most touching. My dear generals." Leverrier replied with a cocky smile, "But this child is special. He will be sent to fight the akuma whether he was trained or not. He was bred to fight. So if indeed no one here wants to train him, we'll just have to send him out on the first mission that departs tomorrow and wait to collect his dead body."

"We cannot do that." Tiedoll said through gritted teeth, "We cannot send the child to die." He looked at Kanda, concern in his eyes.

"Bred, you say? You mean like mutated hamsters? It's the same anyway." The masked man declared, the maniacal smile plastered to his face. "Why not let's just skip the training and do just that."

"You mean kill the kid?" Cloud questioned.

"What's that to you, Cloud?" Cross asked, "One more noisy, sniffling kid dead. Thousands more to kill."

"Silence."

Everyone looked to the man who hasn't spoken since Kanda stepped into the room, he was an old man. Withered and bent, but as he appraised Kanda, his vitality seemed to build and enlarge indefinitely. And Kanda realized that everyone had fallen silent, even the monkey on the woman's shoulder, and all attention fell on the ancient being.

"Our voices matter not. Let's hear the child's say in all these." It was like the decree of a sovereign, for next he turned to address Kanda directly.

"Your name, Yuu is it not? Lift your face." He instructed, "Look at me."

Kanda did as he was told, and gaze straight into the eyes of the final general.

"Good. I see strength, courage, determination…and yet…a haunting. Tell me, little one. What sayeth you about becoming an exorcist. Do you want to fight?"

Kanda nodded. "Hai…Yes, I meant."

"Why?"

"…Boku wa…tsuyoi ni naritai. Kitto…" he caught himself before he continued rattling off in Japanese, aware that the generals did not understand him, he refined his words. "There's something I want to accomplish. And I need to become stronger, I need to fight."

"If you do not see yourself as a child, we will not treat you as a child." General Yeegar pressed, "Are you willing to shed your childhood, are you willing to be slain for our cause? Will you die knowing that you have become a living sacrifice, and has died for the greater good?"

"Yes."

"…He wants to fight!" He repeated Kanda's declaration, appealing to the generals around him as if he was talking to children "Since it is apparent that he wants to be trained, and we are to train him, why not make two wrongs one right? Who can fulfill both the wishes of our Pope, and of this little one here?"

"I'll train him." Tiedoll said. "I'll bring him up."

Oooooo

As Kanda was walking out of the Order, a sight caused him to instinctively stop and hide.

At the entrance of the Order, two finders were standing there. A girl older than he was cried loudly as she ran from her mother and clambered into the arms of his father, the smaller of the two men.

"What's the matter?" The father asked as he stroked his daughter's light brown hair lovingly.

"…Hurts. Really hurts." The girl whispered as she indicated at a bleeding scratch on her knee, she must have sustained it on the way here. And in Kanda's heart, he scorned the girl for being such a crybaby.

The finder however, took one look at it, then with a surprisingly tender expression on his face, placed her on his knee as he started washing and cleaning the wound.

The other man, the taller one grinned as he told the girl, "Isabel, it's okay. You're a big girl now."

At this point Kanda knew he should go away and stop spying on the family, but for some reason he was drawn the scene as butterflies were attracted by nectar. He found that there was something there he wanted, but could not explain what he did not understand.

The girl gradually stopped crying as she watched her father worked. And by the time he taped a dressing to her wound, there was a tiny smile on her chubby face.

"All better." The father declared, as his look in his eyes turned severe. "Daddy has to go back to work now…Don't come here anymore. Do you understand?"

"I miss you…daddy." The girl gave her father a big hug, but hopped off all the same.

"Daddy will work hard to protect you. So will uncle over here!" The larger man nodded.

"I know. Bye daddy, bye uncle." She said as she gave each of the man a kiss, "And daddy?"

"Yes, my dear?"

"I love you!" she gave a beam. Her mother moved forward now and placed her slender hands on the girl's shoulder, with tears glistening in her eyes she whispered. "Bye hubby."

"I love you. Both of you…" the father said, tears flowed down his cheeks, and dripped onto the ground. And for some reason, it felt like the end…

Kanda looked at the bandages on his slender arms and promised himself that he would use these hands to protect…

Oooooo

The boy had just returned from mission, this time; alone.

He was in his tattered, woe-be-gone black uniform that looks as if it has been dragged across two continents, and on it -the blood of his enemies; and friends. He was utterly exhausted, and he did not care if he was dragging his feet and sword as he limped across the stone floors of the Order, marking his trail with scarlet.

Before he realized it he had walked right into a group of distraught finders-all adults- apparently they were trying to ambush him, for one grabbed his lapels and hoisted him aloof as easily as he would have lifted a kitten. And in his tired state, he recognized the man from before, the taller one, the uncle of the little girl.

"Where are the rest?! Where is my brother?"

Kanda did not reply, there was a haunted look in his eyes, yet it was not guilt, neither was it fear. Blood dripped steadily onto the ground, slowly gathering to form a puddle of deep red. He gazed back remorselessly at them, the angered finder shook him and questioned, "Spit it out, boy! Where is my brother, where are and the rest of the finders?!"

"Dead." The boy recounted emotionlessly.

The finder gave a snarl, then threw him to the ground. The others rounded on their friend to stop him, but not before his punches met Kanda's face.

"You monster!!" The man raved, attempting to shrug off his companions who straddled him, "Why aren't you dead?!"

The boy ignored the rest of the rabble; he spat out the blood in his mouth, then shook the dust off himself, and picked himself up and continued limping…

"Why didn't you protect them?! You're an exorcist!!"

He did not have an answer.

As he left the scene, the large man started sobbing brokenly into his hands…

"I promised Isabel…I promised to protect her father…"

oooooooooo

Kanda Yuu was a monster.

Monster in the sense that despite chaos ensuing all else around, one can always count on him to return somewhat alive after most of the finders and other exorcist have died.

No one was sure why he did not die, there were some who wished he did. Many were curious, some were resentful that he was often the only survivor of massacres.

He was a mere human child, even as he walks out of the battle scene bloody, his sword carrying the distinct, fetid stench of akuma.

Since the days he began wielding Mugen, he would occasionally return to the order alone; albeit the coffins that trail in the wake of his heavy footsteps…

Few people dare to ask, those who did confront him and press the issue were given a stern look from general Tiedoll that declared the conversation finished, or sometimes found three days later tied to a tree in the forest.

The underlying question was always the most desperate and cutting of them all.

'Why didn't you save them?'

At first, the ten-year old used to wonder why too. Not the issue of why he did not, but why he could not. He did not wish himself dead, but hoped that more can remain alive with him. But on the other hand, he did not want anyone else to be cursed like him...

General Tiedoll was always watching him, and would then look at him in a maddeningly fatherly manner, place an arm across his thin and small shoulders and whisper in a low voice to his unwilling pupil.

'Someday you will understand, Yuu chan.'

And Kanda would send hell insects flying in his master's direction.

He did not hate his teacher. Initially, none of the Generals wanted to train him, saying he's too young and immature. When General Tiedoll had suddenly chosen him as a pupil, he was skeptical. But when his German master took the liberty of calling him by his first name in the most degrading Japanese way possible, Kanda was positively shocked.

'I told you! You call boys - kun! ~Kan~da~ kun!!'

'Well." The German man pulled him into a one-armed hug and said smugly, 'I think Yuu-chan sounds nicer.'

Kanda refused to be found within a ten meter radius of general Tiedoll ever since.

Honestly, he was utterly repulsed whenever General Tiedoll touches him, they were teacher and pupil, nothing more, there was no reason to pretend otherwise. Kanda was convinced that it was either purely out of hypocrisy, or that the general was instructed to keep an eye on his half-akuma pupil; and to destroy him the moment he proved he was not human. His so-called kindness was merely a pathetic, frivolous display of the fact that he had tamed the akuma-child. And it was more often than not, hurting. General Tiedoll did not know of the curse that had befallen Kanda, and Kanda thought that if he knew. He will surely treat Kanda like a monster as well.

There was nothing more to their relationship then the fact that the order needed an exorcist and the general was needed to keep him in line...

In his own little world, Kanda was convinced that he was indeed a monster, no one trusted him, but he told himself that it did not matter. It did not matter if his master cared about him, or if the Order believed him.

Rumours began spreading throughout the field.

That he had sacrificed his comrades to stay alive, that he had turned on his friends and murdered them all. That he is in fact an evil creature in disguise, a spy more vile and powerful than akumas…

He remained silent even when the misunderstanding blew out of proportions, and hate mail started appearing beneath the door of his room, groups of adults cornered the little exorcist and threatened to kill him if he dares put one toe out of line. There were even times where mourners ran up to him and attempted to strangle him bare-handed.

Komui then issued an announcement to set Komui EX I on anyone who dares harm any of the exorcists. But the hatred did not stop.

Still, it did not matter, he did not have time to indulge in those petty suspicions of those foolish mortals.

It's only through sacrifices that others may be saved.

He repeated that line and clung on to it as he might a lifeline. It did not matter if no one understands, it did not matter if no one could see things his way…

It only mattered that they can be saved.

It did not matter.

Or so he thought.

oooooo

On this day, Kanda was confronted with such a decision.

An Akuma army of level ones had launched an attack to the forest near the Black Order in the dead of the night. Rumours were, they were so confidant because there was a level two among them, and that they knew the location of the Order at last…

It was snowing, but the white ground was tainted by deep scarlet. The sky overhead was dark and overcast, as if giving testimony to the events of the night.

Exorcist master and disciple were sent. The enemy lines had advanced all the way to just outside the gates of the black order when the only two exorcists in the castle arrived.

The gate, or rather, the gate guardian was wailing shamelessly.

"No~~ NOO! I dun wanna die~~! Dun Kill me..~~~!"

"Be careful!" Komui shouted over the speakers. "There are alot of them and the level two is hiding somewhere!"

One lone finder was behind them, praying and sobbing. The rest are dead, and their body parts lay scattered and broken on the ground.

Oh, two black ones to kill, one big one and one little one… how delightful! The level one closest giggled like a school girl.

"Tch." Was Kanda's reply as he gave the enemy a glare.

"Yuu chan, focus. Synchronize." Tiedoll said in a low voice as he took out his innocence from his pocket , Kanda recognized the tone, he was getting serious. He adjusted his stance accordingly, getting ready for the order, his hand tightened around the mugen.

"Kill."

With that, the little exorcist whipped out his own innocence, and started rampaging past the lines of the level one. In a distance he heard the usual, "Maker of Eden! Art!"

Kanda was young, but his small size made him lightning fast and hard to target. When he was done with the front line he shouted, "Ichigen!!"

"Witness the beauty of this world."

The level ones were all destroyed quite effectively, all thanks to Tiedoll and his mass destruction mechanism. Kanda noted with a pang of sourness that his teacher had killed more than twice the number of akuma as compared to him. And he wondered if he'll ever be as powerful as his master, a general.

He wondered if his master will ever trust him.

He shook the stray thought away. It did not matter, he told himself again.

There was a strangled cry, and Kanda looked up in alarm. The final akuma dashed towards Kanda, who had his sword stuck into another. He tried to pull it out, but it was stuck fast. "Tch!"

"Yuu chan!"

The general had leapt forward recklessly right in the path of the akuma attack to defend his pupil. Kanda only widened his eyes in surprise, his heart wrenched painfully with something he was not familiar with.

"Old man!!"

The rod and cross flew onto the ground.

The akuma wrapped itself around the Tiedoll and bound his movements. Then a countdown appeared on its forehead as it tittered gleefully.

"Big one better than little one!!" and Kanda realized it horror that it is intending to self-destruct and take Tiedoll with it, Kanda ran forward, planning to cut down the final enemy, "Hang in there, old man!"

Then the level two appeared behind the level one.

Level twos always have some unpredictable special abilities.

Kanda remembered Tiedoll telling him, but found out the hard way. The level two examined the innocence that had fallen with a mix of fear and greed on its unshaped face. Then turned to Kanda as if daring him to move, to pick up the innocence. It snarled, "Little exorcist."

Then the level two fired off several large rounds that looked like skulls, Kanda launched himself forward without thinking, aiming to absorb the attack and then attack the level two with mugen. He could hear Tiedoll yelling.

"Yuu-chan!! Release me, you can't deal with the level two!!"

A shred of rebellion crawled into his heart as he thought.

Who says I can't?

"NOOOOO!!! Save me, save me~~~~!!" sobbed the door guardian, copious volumes of tears gushing from its oversized eyes.

"Shut up!" He snapped at the gate guardian instead.

"Yuu chan!!" Tiedoll yelled. "Get out of the way!"

Kanda could not simply evade the attack, if he did, the attack will hit the gate...

He raised mugen, and shouted, 'Ichigen!'. A flock of summoned supernatural insect leapt forth. But oddly enough, all the bullets evaded his attack, and it looked as if every one of them was alive and capable of maneuvering themselves independent of the level two.

Komui voice boomed out through the speakers, "Careful!!"

"Tch!" He slashed three rounds in midair, but could not get the rest in time, there were too many and they were too fast. When the rest were near enough something even more terrible happened, the skulls opened and unhinged their jaws; and bit him. All he saw was a horrible flurry of exposed fleshed and sinew, then pain was every where. The skulls had bitten him on his face, his neck and everywhere else, and others latched onto his innocence, and no matter how hard he waved his sword, the heads would not let go even as he watched the innocence infiltrated and burnt into the akuma skull tissue. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that the finder who had been bitten as well seemed to be swallowed by a swarm of piranhas, his body went rigid, then cracked and shattered like ice…

"Kanda kun!" Komui shouted.

With a snap, he felt teeth sink into the artery on the right side of his throat, drawing blood. He had a distinct feeling the creature was now trying to crush his neck bone. He cursed, and felt as blood drained into his damaged windpipe, and air seared passed the wound as he attempted to draw shaky breaths. He could not pry it off with his free hand. Then it was followed closely by another bout of pain, and pure agony engulfed him as jaws crushed his left temple, taking with it his eyeball.

He screamed, and nearly collapsed, he was semi-blinded, and bleeding generously. Breathing was difficult, and there were still skulls trying to tear chunks of flesh out of his legs and waist.

So he did the next logical thing, he stood up, and launched himself toward the level two with a battle cry…

He was slowed by the additional weight and wounds he sustained, but still fast enough to take the level two by surprise. By the time it realized he had attacked, Kanda was right in front of it. He brought his blade down in one smooth motion.

Normally mugen might not have enough power to cut through, but now he was using the akuma's own against it. Due to additional weight and mass of his weapon, the cuts he made were jagged and large and he used it to clobber the enemy into submission. The terrible skulls that clung to him insistently either released his weapon or be crushed, and he took chance to back off slightly to cut off the rest that were still persistently clamping onto his flesh.

Oh joy, he was bleeding.

"Yuu chan!" Tiedoll yelled struggled even more and stretched out a hand, as if reaching for Kanda, he cast a baleful glance at the level one that was holding him captive. The level two was mutating as if planning to unleash another attack, twisting and writhing in a manner that caused Kanda to be nauseated as blood and other vile fluids spilled, until it formed a terrible face.

With one eye gone, Kanda could not tell how far and how fast it was. By the time he realized, he had been attacked and bitten on the forearm by the now skull-shaped level two. Almost instantly, his bones cracked and broke under the pressure that a child's bones were never meant to withstand…

Pain coursed through his body, Kanda gave a yell, then slashed the face in half, but he was sure it was not over...

"Let me go!!" general Tiedoll hollered, anger evident in his usually calm demeanor.

The level two hung on to Kanda's arm and swung him around like a rag doll. In his half-conscious state, he knew what to do, but he needed the means to execute it. His healing could not catch up to the damages he had sustained, but Tiedoll can still fight if he had his innocence…

"Old man…!"

The akuma had released Kanda, and tossed him roughly towards where the level one was. Finally, some luck, some carelessness, whichever the case Kanda knew it was his final chance to turn the tides.

His hand enclosed around his teacher's innocence…

The level two transformed again, this time into something that resembled a sea urchin, it targeted Tiedoll and fired.

"NO!"

"Old man!!" Kanda threw himself forward, it was hurting every where, and he knew he was losing consciousness. He was wounded too badly and could not really see, but he managed to press the innocence into his master's hand before something sharp stabbed into him from behind, then everything went black.

After that, Kanda could not remember. He only recalled a whole lot of pain, and noise, and the icy feeling slowly seeping into his body.

He was just so cold…

He was sure he would die- or rather- die again that night.

It doesn't matter……

He could hear people shouting his name, a mix of Yuus and Kandas…and he wanted to snap at them to make them shut up. But he found that he could not move, and worst, he could not breathe…

"Yuu chan!"

Master…? He wanted to reply, he really did, but he just couldn't.

"Boy?"

He opened his right eye blearily, but the image did not seem to focus. There was a whitish crowd around him. Those faces was reddish and blurred, and seemed to be swimming. He was no longer outdoors, but in a place that is much brighter and less drafty.

His master was nowhere to be found, and Kanda knew he shouldn't be surprised; he had been incapacitated in battle, there was no reason for his master to hang around a useless apprentice. Though for some strange and illogical reason, he did hope to see his master near him...

Something else caught his attention. There was a terrible, bloodied spike that stuck out from his collarbone, and had apparently passed all the way through the right side of his chest.

He attempted to curse, and the result was a bout of hot ferrous liquid that rode up the back of his throat and he coughed and gagged, causing blood to splatter over the pillow. Pain erupted from all over, he no longer knew where. He writhed in agony. He wanted to scream, but was denied the power to do so, the sensation was excruciating. And he prayed to die, but knew that he was also denied that last mercy. There will always be pain.

"Try to stay awake!" the head nurse yelled as she held Kanda's shoulder, Kanda did not really want to, but somehow he knew he should try. He nodded feebly, then made a strangled and choked sound, he realized he could not speak.

"I'm going to try to pull the akuma fang out! It'll hurt, but bear with it. Do you understand?" She said as she pulled on thick gloves.

Kanda consented with his eyes.

"Wait." one of the nurses spoke, her voice was shaky as she knew her speech was rather out of place. "Shouldn't…shouldn't we ask General Tiedoll to come first?" She took a look at Kanda, pity plain in her gaze.

And with every fiber of his being, Kanda wished her dead.

"…The child might not make it…" She whispered.

"Hush, Jessica!" The head nurse retorted, she turned to Kanda now, her voice and eyes reassuring. "We can't wait anymore…Relax."

They gave him something soft to bit down onto, and with that he closed his remaining eye.

Many, many pairs of hands held him down, and he braced himself by burrowing himself deeper in the comforters; desperately hoping to be detached from the pain.

Someone gripped the exposed part of the fang on his back, and he could feel that person tense, holding her breath as waves of pain radiated though his body from the one contact. "Okay."

He bit down hard.

"Yuu chan!"

…Master?

Then he realized it was his own voice.

Kanda lost the battle to stay awake, and slipped into oblivion.

Oooooo

Hi, I am Mingathur.

Hope you guys like this chapter, its about death. I wanted to bring across the fact that it is not fair to make someone die over and over, death in itself is nothing, it's the moments before dying that's painful. And its painful for those around…(That's wht Tiedoll is quite important, he'll appear more in next chapter.)

There's probably no use pondering over what's going to happen in chapter 192 of the manga, but some things are interesting at the moment. (Beware-spoilers ahead if you have not read 191.)

1)Kanda was awakened in a test tube when he was nine (or nine-year-old-looking), so where did he learn to read, write and speak? Or does he effectively have the intellect of a baby? "Mothers? What are those?" Honestly speaking I thought it was a cute question. Lolz.

2)From the start, Hoshino san said he's Japanese. Does it mean he was cloned from another exorcist who had wielded mugen and is Japanese and subsequently cursed?

So many questions. Love D-gray man.

By the way, this will be a short story, maybe a few chapters. Hope you guys like it.

Till chapter next!

Ming