I've Had My Taste of Honey
summary: a fair-tale parody of Harry's love life.
warning: violence
rate: PG
word count: 812
AN: I shamelessly borrowed Roald Dahl's Revolting Poem Cinderella.
Anything you recognise is not mine. All rights belong to Dahl and JKR.
I guess you think you know the story,
You don't, the real one's much more gory.
The phoney Cinderella, the one you know
was cook up years and years ago.
And made it sound all soft and sappy,
just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
the bit where in the dead of night
the ugly brothers Dudley and Goyle
departed for the palace ball.
Well, darling lad Harry Potter
was locked up in a slimy cellar,
where rats who wanted things to eat
began to nibble at his feet.
He bellowed "Help!" and "Let me out!"
Fairy godfather Sirius heard his shout
appearing in a blazing of light.
He said "My boy, are you alright?"
"Alright?" cried Harry,
"Can't you see I feel as rotten as can be?"
He beat his fist against the wall
and shouted "Get me to the ball!"
"There is a Disco at the palace
the rest have gone and I'm jealous
I want a dress robe, I want a carriage
And a black clingy T-shirt for massage
aerodynamic trainers and khaki shorts,
And a pair of spotty cotton socks.
Then I blot them out and I guarantee
the bony princess Cho will fall for me!"
Sirius said "Hang on a tick,"
He give his wand a mighty flick.
Quickly in no time at all
Harry was at the palace ball
It made Dudley and Goyle wince
as Harry was dancing with the princess.
He held Cho very tight,
And press himself against her slim chest.
Cho herself was turn to pulp;
all she could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck Harry shouted
"Heck! I've got to run to save my neck!"
"No, alas, a lark!"
Cho grab his khaki to hold him back.
As Harry shouted "Let me go!"
the shorts was ripped from waist to toe.
He run out in his underwear;
left one trainer on the stair.
Cho was on it like a dart;
She press it upon her pounding heart,
"The boy this trainer fits" she boom'
"Tomorrow morn should be my groom!
I'll visit every house in town,
Until I track the laddie down."
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
She placed it on a crate of beer,
At once one of the ugly brothers,
the one whose face was blotched with blisters,
sneaked up and grab the racy shoe.
and quickly flashed it down the loo.
Then in its place he calmly put
the trainer from his own left foot.
Ah huh! you see, the plot grew thicker,
and Harry's luck started looking sicker.
Next day, princess Chang went charging down
to knock on all the doors in town.
In every house the tension grew,
who was the owner of the shoe?
The trainer was long and very wide,
A normal foot got lost inside.
Also it smell a wee bit icky,
The owners feet were hot and sticky.
Thousands of eager people came
to try on, but all in vain.
Now came Dudley and Goyle's go
Dudley tried on, Cho screamed "No!"
But he snickered "yes! It fits!
Whoopee! So now you got to marry me!"
Cho went yellow from ear to ear
she muttered "let me out of here!"
"Oh, no you don't! you made a vow!
There's no way you can back out now!"
"Off with his head!" Cho roared back.
They chop it off with one big whack.
This pleased Cho, she smiled and said
"He's handsomer without his head."
Then up came brother number two,
who yelled "Now I will try the shoe!"
"Try this instead!" Cho yelled back.
Swung her trusty sword and smack!
his head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen pealing spuds
Harry Potter heard thuds
of bouncing heads on the floor.
and pokes his own head round the door,
"What's all the racket?!"
"Mind you own b's!" Cho replied.
Poor Harry's heart was torn to threads,
"My princess!" he thought "she chops off heads!"
"How could I marry anyone
who does that sort of thing for fun!"
Cho cried "Who's this dirty stud?"
"Off with his nut! Off with his nut!"
Just then all in the blaze of light
Sirius hove in sight.
His magic wand went swoosh and swish
"Harry" he cried, "come, make a wish!
Wish anything, and have no doubt,
I will make it come about!"
Harry answered "Oh, kind fairy,
this time I should be more wary!
No more princess, no more money,
I've had my taste of honey.
I'm wishing for a decent woman,
They're hard to find, do you think you can?
Within a minute Harry Potter
was married to the lovely Hermione Granger,
a delectable bookworm by trade,
who read every book having been made.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter,
and they were happy ever after.
summary: a fair-tale parody of Harry's love life.
warning: violence
rate: PG
word count: 812
AN: I shamelessly borrowed Roald Dahl's Revolting Poem Cinderella.
Anything you recognise is not mine. All rights belong to Dahl and JKR.
I guess you think you know the story,
You don't, the real one's much more gory.
The phoney Cinderella, the one you know
was cook up years and years ago.
And made it sound all soft and sappy,
just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
the bit where in the dead of night
the ugly brothers Dudley and Goyle
departed for the palace ball.
Well, darling lad Harry Potter
was locked up in a slimy cellar,
where rats who wanted things to eat
began to nibble at his feet.
He bellowed "Help!" and "Let me out!"
Fairy godfather Sirius heard his shout
appearing in a blazing of light.
He said "My boy, are you alright?"
"Alright?" cried Harry,
"Can't you see I feel as rotten as can be?"
He beat his fist against the wall
and shouted "Get me to the ball!"
"There is a Disco at the palace
the rest have gone and I'm jealous
I want a dress robe, I want a carriage
And a black clingy T-shirt for massage
aerodynamic trainers and khaki shorts,
And a pair of spotty cotton socks.
Then I blot them out and I guarantee
the bony princess Cho will fall for me!"
Sirius said "Hang on a tick,"
He give his wand a mighty flick.
Quickly in no time at all
Harry was at the palace ball
It made Dudley and Goyle wince
as Harry was dancing with the princess.
He held Cho very tight,
And press himself against her slim chest.
Cho herself was turn to pulp;
all she could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck Harry shouted
"Heck! I've got to run to save my neck!"
"No, alas, a lark!"
Cho grab his khaki to hold him back.
As Harry shouted "Let me go!"
the shorts was ripped from waist to toe.
He run out in his underwear;
left one trainer on the stair.
Cho was on it like a dart;
She press it upon her pounding heart,
"The boy this trainer fits" she boom'
"Tomorrow morn should be my groom!
I'll visit every house in town,
Until I track the laddie down."
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
She placed it on a crate of beer,
At once one of the ugly brothers,
the one whose face was blotched with blisters,
sneaked up and grab the racy shoe.
and quickly flashed it down the loo.
Then in its place he calmly put
the trainer from his own left foot.
Ah huh! you see, the plot grew thicker,
and Harry's luck started looking sicker.
Next day, princess Chang went charging down
to knock on all the doors in town.
In every house the tension grew,
who was the owner of the shoe?
The trainer was long and very wide,
A normal foot got lost inside.
Also it smell a wee bit icky,
The owners feet were hot and sticky.
Thousands of eager people came
to try on, but all in vain.
Now came Dudley and Goyle's go
Dudley tried on, Cho screamed "No!"
But he snickered "yes! It fits!
Whoopee! So now you got to marry me!"
Cho went yellow from ear to ear
she muttered "let me out of here!"
"Oh, no you don't! you made a vow!
There's no way you can back out now!"
"Off with his head!" Cho roared back.
They chop it off with one big whack.
This pleased Cho, she smiled and said
"He's handsomer without his head."
Then up came brother number two,
who yelled "Now I will try the shoe!"
"Try this instead!" Cho yelled back.
Swung her trusty sword and smack!
his head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen pealing spuds
Harry Potter heard thuds
of bouncing heads on the floor.
and pokes his own head round the door,
"What's all the racket?!"
"Mind you own b's!" Cho replied.
Poor Harry's heart was torn to threads,
"My princess!" he thought "she chops off heads!"
"How could I marry anyone
who does that sort of thing for fun!"
Cho cried "Who's this dirty stud?"
"Off with his nut! Off with his nut!"
Just then all in the blaze of light
Sirius hove in sight.
His magic wand went swoosh and swish
"Harry" he cried, "come, make a wish!
Wish anything, and have no doubt,
I will make it come about!"
Harry answered "Oh, kind fairy,
this time I should be more wary!
No more princess, no more money,
I've had my taste of honey.
I'm wishing for a decent woman,
They're hard to find, do you think you can?
Within a minute Harry Potter
was married to the lovely Hermione Granger,
a delectable bookworm by trade,
who read every book having been made.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter,
and they were happy ever after.