MATHEMESS

Madness Attacking The Head Even More Excruciatingly Stubbornly Slowly

By LazerTH

Author's note:

MATHEMESS picks up where MATHEMS left off, if only I could remember where that was. Something about predicting war and sitting on rooftops. X6 was the most complete MMX game I've ever played, what with the insufferable Nightmare engine and getting pissed the hell off at Nightmares ruining rescues and not to mention the death trap that is Metal Shark Player's stage. This is a parody, so don't panic.

888

Three weeks after the events of Megaman X5…

"CRIKEY! NOT AGAIN!"

Space Cadet Pinball was the greatest exercise in futility Megaman X had ever been involved with. He suspected Microsoft™ had shipped the game with their OS so as to lessen the impact of the other horrendous failures the user would experience while pointing and clicking and cursing.

"Press F2 for a new game? I STAB THEE WITH THE MOUSE POINTER!"

The little white arrow repeatedly poked the space cadet who would ineluctably grin forever. Whether it was a fixed idiotic grin of pure nihilism or a sinister reflection of one's childhood hopes and dreams that were crushed by the real world, philosophers and psychiatrists would still make lots of money.

"X, put the game down."

"I can't put the game down. It's on the bloody screen. What, do I avert the screen from my eyes?"

Douglas promised that he would never allow X the use of his laptop ever again.

"You're needed in HQ for debriefing."
"But I don't wear underpants!"

X was encouraged out of engineering with well-aimed wrenches to the head. Hissing and spitting, he skittered for safety behind the command centre's sliding door.

"X, do not revert to being a kitty."
"But kitty is hungry."

Pondering the stupidity of that statement, Alia showed him the screen.

"A Mechalinoid has gone Maverick due to a radio wave problem!"

"Then switch to short wave. You can pick up military transmissions like that!"

"X! This is serious!" Signas insisted, spinning around in his comfy command chair.

"And so is this. I quit!"

"G'huh?"

"Quit! Quit! No more oogly-booglies! Kitty needs a vacation!"

"But then who will feed kitty?"

X's mournful eyes turned to Alia.

"Kitty can't feed himself…"

"All the more reason for kitty to stay home and work. Okay?"

Growling at the back of his audio amplifier, he went to the transporter room. Signas hummed.

"You really know how to work a man."

"I do specialize in communication."

"Want to test that with me?"

Signas was encouraged out of the command centre with a well-aimed command chair to the head.

888

"ALIA! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY FALCON ARMOUR!"

"It's not my fault! Douglas was busy playing Final Fantasy X2© all summer!"

"AUGH!"

X fumed all the way into the mine. He couldn't fly. He could air dash, but everyone and their mother could air dash by now. His "piercing" laser weapon no longer pierced, stopped by the most modest mound of gravel. At least he still had a Giga Attack, but that was only one shot.

"The Falcon Armour is about MOBILITY! WHAT possessed you to take out the flight capability, woman?"

"Uh… it was corrupt?"

Steam blew out of his aural units.

"IT'S NOT THE FALCON ARMOUR IF IT CAN'T FLY!"

"Would you have preferred your regular armour?"

"YES! You could have cooked up some story that the armour had been destroyed, or Velgauder ate it, or the blasted virus had infected it beyond repair! This half-assed mod is insulting!"

"Very well."

He glimmered and the crappy Falcon Armour was gone.

"Falcon Armour deleted. Enjoy your halved defense, moron."

"God damn it."

He found two damaged reploids panting behind garage doors.

"Commander X! There's a huge mechalinoid…"

"What happened?"

"We were scared and got hurt."

X stared at them.

"I don't know if the new generation is becoming smarter or stupider. Move."

He identified the problem as that eyeball with an energy beam connected to the main armour.

"Good heavens, look at that. Do I attack the gigantic, scary wreckage, or the tiny defenseless orb? I submit that the orb is the cause of the problem! There is no way that something that big can float by itself!"

"Congratulations, Captain Obvious."

"Purr."

"Did you just purr at me?"

"Yes."

"Stop it. My titanium crawled."

After a few resounding blasts, the mechalinoid inexplicably exploded.

"But I didn't attack the big part!"

Nonetheless, it crashed. Then a purple recolour of Zero teleported down, slashed the wreckage and it exploded again into smaller bits. X blinked, cupped his hands and yelled, "Wow, thanks, Zero recolour! I would have never been able to finish off a completely harmless, incapacitated machine! What an astounding show of bravery! You saved my freaking life there!"

Giant red WARNING letters flashed across the screen.

"Oh no! A boss battle directly after my first one! This means…"

"You cannot defeat me!" cried Hi Max, KO'ing the blue Hunter with the tone of his voice alone.

"Damn it!" X sobbed, falling to one knee, "It's just like my first defeat at the hands of Vile! Except with better graphics!"

"Maverick Hunter… unremarkable. We will stop the Nightmare!"

The black behemoth swooped away as unnecessarily as he had come. X shouted, "What the hell is this 'nightmare'? Nobody tells me anything!"