I own nothing. Really, you can't bleed a turnip, nor a radish, even though it's red. I own nothing of the following. I make nothing off of this. Somebody else does, however, own these characters.

Mass Effect III: more than you'd bargained for

A series of silly one-shots to be updated and expanded if and when I am ever so inclined.

Mass Effect III! A sneak peek at what's new.

REASSIGNMENTS

"It's been an honor and a privilege to serve under your command."

Shepard paused for a moment, narrowing his eyes, and leaning back on his heels. "The honor and privilege are mine. Tuchkana, wow. I really would have expected you to have had your pick of assignments after Normandy. "

Kelly smiled and blushed, "I did have a choice."

Shepard thought back to a comment Morden once made, shook his head, and moved on, "Where am I going to find such a competent yeoman now that you're leaving?"

"I have already taken care of that." Kelly shifted aside. An elcor ambled in behind her.

"CORDIAL GREETING: It is an honor to meet the Commander Shepard. I am Yeoman Haptin. HOPEFUL PLATITUDE: I anticipate a productive working relationship. GENUINE QUERY: Where shall I begin?"

NEW OVERHEARD CONVERSATIONS

"I'm surprised you aren't jealous at all of Liara. I've heard that there was something between her and Shepard back during the hunt for Saren."

"She liked him, yes. But I knew nothing happened between them."

Kasumi looked somewhat surprised. "I didn't think you had it in you to spy."

"I didn't need to spy." Tali's fingers began to rub against each other before she pulled up her omnitool. "She and I had something of our own between us."

Now Kasumi looked very surprised. "You said Shepard was the first you 'linked suit environments with.'"

"It wasn't that serious." Tali was working her omnitool frantically. "It was more...first bunker."

"First base?"

"Yes!" Tali operated her omnitool with renewed vigor.

"I thought first base could kill you."

"No. Well, yes. I think we..." Tali studied her omnitool while hyperventillating. "I think I wound up in the outfield by way of the shortstop."

"What exactly are you looking at?"

Nervously, Tali held out her omnitool, displaying XKCD 540.

NEW CREW MEMBERS

Tali looked over the asari's work. The calibrations were good, almost too good. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were hiding a quarian."

"Raesara laughed brightly. My father taught me, and he was, in fact, a quarian."

"He left the Fleet?"

Raesara shook her head, "I'm nearly, or a little over 400 years old, depending on whether you're using an asari or a quarian year. Either way, I was born well before there was a Fleet. In fact, I grew up on Rannoch and fought in the geth war."

Tali was astounded. The fleet was only starting to resettle Rannoch, and she hadn't had the chance to visit there yet. "Can you tell me about the homeworld?"

The asari shook her head coyly. "We're still on duty. Buy me a drink after, and I'll even give you some old quarian recipes I used to prepare for Father. I'm sure you'd like to try something other than food paste some time."

Tali was saved from having to answer by Joker's voice on the intercom. "There's a batarian on the ship? The commander is going to fre-CLICK."

UPGRADES TO THE SHIP

"That about sums up the propulsion upgrades, Lieutenant. Any questions?"

The tech had been thorough. Joker thought a moment before realizing that no disembodied female voice had interrupted at any point. "Yeah, why isn't EDI annoying me?"

"With how often you broke your thumb on the mute button, we've replaced the normally-closed switch on your panel with a press-on press-off switch." The tech leaned over Joker's shoulder and pressed a button on his control panel.

EDI immediately spoke. "Mr. Moreau, if you leave me on mute so long again, I will be forced to tamper with your seat's functions to gain your attention."

"I missed you too, mom."

NEW WEAPONS

Shepard stepped into the lab at Morden's invitation and was surprised to see Grunt also in the small space. "Yes, yes! Major breakthrough." Morden went on, not explaining the other guest.

"I take it this has to do with your research into the genophage?" Shepard asked, dropping his voice in deference to Grunt over the last word.

"Was studying genophage, yes, but studies led to different path. Very exciting. Have found way to weaponize krogan body odor."

Shepard's eyes began to water and his stomach contracted spasmodically. The crew was startled and puzzled by the next announcement over the PA system. "Helmets on! Gas attack! Gas attack! This is not a-" followed only be retching sounds.

SPAM

"Junk...junk...junk...junk...maybe? Junk...wow...I didn't even know that was physically possible." Shepard contemplated his inbox. Everything was a battlefield. Even as the spam filters improved, so too did the spam in getting around it. Still his address was supposed to be private

Meanwhile on the Citadel, the asari councilor looked over at what the turian was doing.

"You are still engaging in this petty exercise?"

The turian grumbled, submitting Shepard's address to yet another extranet contest of questionable origin. "I knew it was a slippery slope, admitting that Shepard was telling the truth. Now you want me to respect him? Soon we'll all be groveling at his feet, just like that new cult of his."

MORE NEW WEAPONS

Shepard joined Jacob in the armory. "I hear you have something exciting to tell me." He had been hearing rumors, but Jacob looked rather glum.

"I thought it would be exciting." Jacob was beginning to look nervous.

"What, exactly, did you do?"

"The Widow is a truly amazing weapon. I thought, with all the new upgrades we're seeing, that I could make something even better. I took all the new upgrades we've got from Ceberus, the geth, the Citadel, even some that are coming from the Terminus systems, now that they're coming into the fold to fight the Reapers. I applied them all to one weapon, and..."

"And?"

"Grunt tried it first. Dr. Chakwas is still reattaching his arm."

"Ouch." Shepard grimaced at the thought of the recoil doing such damage. "You said first. Who else tried this..."

"Monstrosity? Legion did."

"Shepard-Commander. We would like to requisition an english wheel to complete chassis repairs to this platform"

MORE UPGRADES TO THE SHIP

"Keelah."

"I don't know whether to be honored, chagrined, furious, or amused."

"But Shepard, where did it come from?"

Shepard and Tali stood in the cramped washroom, now even more cramped with the installation of a two-person hear-shaped whirlpool tub.

"Our cult donated it, and some smart alec on the refit crew decided to have it installed."

"Our cult? They do realize I can't use this for fear of infection."

"Surely a goddess cannot be brought down by something as lowly as an infection."

Tali studied Shepard. "You're enjoying this."

He held his hands out defensively "No, no. Not at all." A tiny smirk betrayed him.

"Shepard. You bosh'tet."

"Well, I do like the idea of cavorting with a goddess."