A Pata's Lament
By: Togashi
Thank you for noticing me.
Sometimes I feel I am the only one who sees me at all, or maybe the only one who cares.
I sometimes try to remember when it was different, but all my memories that old just fade together into some blurred reality that might not even have existed. So it has always been this way, I guess. I have almost given up remembering. It's much easier to just pretend, to fool myself about things I can't possibly have.
Sometimes I like to think I have feelings. Living in a cold world of circuitry and data, what is there to feel about? Nothing at all. My senses are numb here, the warmth of light or the sound of water are only programmed pieces of data. After a while I realized this, and their sound becomes less real, more fake. I will sometimes go for weeks without feeling or hearing anything at all.
Walking in this world I can look up and see a fake sun above me or ground below me. It's like walking in a dream.
The loneliness isn't so bad. It's pleasant at times, just having to put up with myself. Perhaps there are some out there that would understand me more, that would like talking to me, but it seems so hard to try to find them. I feel so tired here, tired of my existence and tired of thinking I've lost something but can't remember what it was.
I have never felt love. The soft touch of a lover's hand upon me is something I can only imagine. Once long ago I feel I loved someone. I can't remember, it doesn't seem possible. I like to think about finding someone again, someone who could bring a purpose into my world. But it is so hard. I get angry sometimes, frustrated, that my feelings weren't stronger, that they weren't subdued by this place. It doesn't work.
I don't like to think about what I'm missing. Even though it doesn't bother me. But sometimes I'm not sure. I remember seeing a couple in love before, thinking how odd it appeared. I caught myself, pointing out the obvious. My thoughts were wrong, it wasn't strange at all. I hate myself for thinking that.
All the feelings I do have seem to run together like a washed out picture left in the rain. I remember I used to know between right and wrong. Now that line seems dull and less defined, or maybe I just can't recall where that line started and ended. A lot of things I've done would be considered wrong. But in the end they turned out right. The ends may justify the means but it can't justify my soul.
No one could ever see me for what I am. I am either data in some nameless system, or a living, breathing, creature to them. I'm neither. A long time ago I accepted that. Ever since he left, ever since they all left me here. A living creature can feel, it can have emotions. My world is devoid of both, it is as if my body is not my own, and the experiences I have seem so fake because of this.
I've been around long enough to realize that if no one knows you're there, you don't exist. I feel like that, but I guess I'm slightly more.
Somebody will remember me. Someday they'll be back.
Please come back TK...
Comments, Question, Requests? All are thankfully accepted at togashi_tsuke@lycos.com
By: Togashi
Thank you for noticing me.
Sometimes I feel I am the only one who sees me at all, or maybe the only one who cares.
I sometimes try to remember when it was different, but all my memories that old just fade together into some blurred reality that might not even have existed. So it has always been this way, I guess. I have almost given up remembering. It's much easier to just pretend, to fool myself about things I can't possibly have.
Sometimes I like to think I have feelings. Living in a cold world of circuitry and data, what is there to feel about? Nothing at all. My senses are numb here, the warmth of light or the sound of water are only programmed pieces of data. After a while I realized this, and their sound becomes less real, more fake. I will sometimes go for weeks without feeling or hearing anything at all.
Walking in this world I can look up and see a fake sun above me or ground below me. It's like walking in a dream.
The loneliness isn't so bad. It's pleasant at times, just having to put up with myself. Perhaps there are some out there that would understand me more, that would like talking to me, but it seems so hard to try to find them. I feel so tired here, tired of my existence and tired of thinking I've lost something but can't remember what it was.
I have never felt love. The soft touch of a lover's hand upon me is something I can only imagine. Once long ago I feel I loved someone. I can't remember, it doesn't seem possible. I like to think about finding someone again, someone who could bring a purpose into my world. But it is so hard. I get angry sometimes, frustrated, that my feelings weren't stronger, that they weren't subdued by this place. It doesn't work.
I don't like to think about what I'm missing. Even though it doesn't bother me. But sometimes I'm not sure. I remember seeing a couple in love before, thinking how odd it appeared. I caught myself, pointing out the obvious. My thoughts were wrong, it wasn't strange at all. I hate myself for thinking that.
All the feelings I do have seem to run together like a washed out picture left in the rain. I remember I used to know between right and wrong. Now that line seems dull and less defined, or maybe I just can't recall where that line started and ended. A lot of things I've done would be considered wrong. But in the end they turned out right. The ends may justify the means but it can't justify my soul.
No one could ever see me for what I am. I am either data in some nameless system, or a living, breathing, creature to them. I'm neither. A long time ago I accepted that. Ever since he left, ever since they all left me here. A living creature can feel, it can have emotions. My world is devoid of both, it is as if my body is not my own, and the experiences I have seem so fake because of this.
I've been around long enough to realize that if no one knows you're there, you don't exist. I feel like that, but I guess I'm slightly more.
Somebody will remember me. Someday they'll be back.
Please come back TK...
Comments, Question, Requests? All are thankfully accepted at togashi_tsuke@lycos.com