Oh, how I wish I has the courage to say those words. How I wish that I could put right the things I have done to you.
'But I can't.'
I hold your sleeping form against my chest as we sit at the bottom of the stairs, the blood on your lips contrasting starkly with your pale complexion. You seem so peaceful, with a contentment that comes so rarely to you now that I hardly dare breath lest it should disturb you.
'How did we come to this?'You remind me so very much of myself, Draco and, as much as I hate to admit it to myself, it scares me. I know that you shall turn out exactly the same as I have. It is inevitable. It is the curse we all must bear.
'I never meant to hurt you…"I was so sure of myself when you were born, so full of confidence and complacency. I swore as you clenched my finger in your tiny fist as I held you for the very first time, that I would do right by you and not make the same mistakes my own parents did.
'It isn't my fault.'
I wanted, more than I had ever wanted anything before, to be the father I never had…I soon realised, though, that I didn't know how. As much as I wanted it, the fact was I simply didn't have the patience for a baby who seemed to scream endlessly for no obvious reason. I just couldn't understand why you wouldn't stop; a house-elf had fed you not five-minutes before and you'd slept well enough…how was I to know that all you wanted was attention?
'I just don't know how…'You grew up quickly, from the squalling, sickly infant into a miniature human being. You walked before you crawled and could feed and dress yourself by the age of two, but in all that tie you never uttered a single word.
And your silence infuriated me.
I despised the way you would stare up at me, sometimes for hours at a time, with those huge, expressive eyes that you inherited from your mother.
It felt like you were blaming me, hating me for the way I had neglected you as a baby.
I screamed at you to stop, pushed you away, even hit you. Anything to prevent you from looking at me like that and to stem the steady flow of undiluted guilt.
But, of course, it only made it worse.
You don't know how hard I have tried.'
Your very first words came this evening, during such an incident. And it because of them that we are sitting here now..
It was late and I was stressed; my career was being threatened by some muggle-worshipping auror and all I wanted to do was lock myself away in my study and sulk.
But no. the moment I set foot in the entrance hall, there you were- sitting half-way up the stair case, sucking your thumb and staring.
"What?" I demanded, walking briskly towards you and trying to look threatening so as to scare you of. But, as ever, you were unperturbed.
"What do you want?"
The familiar sense of inadequacy and failure that I always felt when I looked at you tightened in my chest, fuelling my rage.
With a snarl, my hand lashed out and I caught you smartly across the mouth.
'But you make me do this…'Immediately, guilt was added to my already over-stimulated mind, increasing the anger I felt at myself for doing this to you and making me hit you again…and again.
Each time, I hated myself more and each time that made the next blow harder.
I just wanted this to stop…for it all to stop and to make things better. But I couldn't control myself.
'If you would only stop provoking me…'All those feelings were so intense and my fury so strong, I am certain that I would've killed you, but from within the chaos of my mind, a small sound leaked unexpectedly through;
"Please Daddy, stop!"
Your first words.
Your first of retribution for what I have done to you.
'This is all your fault!'My hand was suspended in the air, half way to crashing down again on your bruised cheek and, for a moment, our eyes met. Yours, a dazzling combination of the lightest blue and the sharpest silver, were bright with tears and I swear that, for the briefest of seconds, I could see clear into your mind. Somehow, I had managed to slip past the guards that you always seemed to be hiding behind nowadays.
I saw inside of you all the things I never wanted you to experience, everything no child should even be aware exists; pain, fear, constant apprehension. But, behind them, were other things too- a longing for something that you know you shall never have, submission and…forgiveness?
'I hate you for this!'
Forgiveness…forgiveness…you forgive me, do you?
I can't explain why that made me feel so bad. Maybe it was because as a Malfoy I felt that I had to rise above it. Maybe it was because I had never experienced such a thing before and had very little idea of how to handle myself and panicked.
Or maybe it was because I couldn't even forgive myself, let alone except it from a five-year-old.
'Why should I have to care for someone other than myself?'Whatever it was made me flare up like a firecracker.
"Stop looking at me!" then there was the crash, followed by a piercing shriek and the next thing I knew, there you were. Lying at the bottom of the stairs. Like a discarded toy some child had thrown across the room in a tantrum.
Broken.
'I didn't mean to…really.'
I was so afraid for you then, so scared that you were going to die and that I was going to lose you…
As I think of it now, I subconsciously hold you that little bit tighter and you give a tiny whimper of protest. But, apart from that, you continue to sleep.
'You mustn't hate me for this.'
I wish that I could promise you that it won't happen again. I wish that I could say it and mean it.
But I can't.
I know that, one-day, you will blame me and tell me that I was wrong for the way I brought you up. You'll swear never to be the same.
Just as I did.
But you will, Draco. You will be the same. But it won't be your fault, just as it isn't mine, you simply won't know how to do it any differently.
It will continue for generations on, each the same as the last and, for that, I am sorry.
As I said, it is the burden we all must bear.
'No one will ever truly understand…'
A/N: Based on a rather odd dream I had...updates for 'A Child called Draco' will be up soon when i can be bothered to type it up from my notebook :)
Love Lily xxx