Just a little something I was writing while I was stuck at a train station. I thought I would try something new, so tell me what you think.
How could I forget the way she looked at me the first time I laid eyes on her; I felt like I was in a dream. A dream where I was able to do anything I wanted to and nothing was holding me back. Why wasn't I able to feel this way during our whole relationship? I feel like I have let her down one too many times and now this is what I get. I sit at the bar we met with a glass of gin in my hand with no one to keep me company. Most of our friends were on her site and I understood why they were. The way I have treated her was just the worst thing I have done so far and I knew that she would never be able to forgive me for it. We always tried to talk about everything in our relationship but this was just one thing I could not talk about; I know she wanted me to talk about my feelings like she has done but that is the thing I'm not her and I'm done talking about my feelings, nothing will change if I do right? What's done has happened and is over. My mother tried to talk to me about it, so have our friends but not one of them was able to get through to my big skull and now that I have started to realise, they are not here to talk anymore. I felt awful and I probably haven't showered in ages; I haven't really done anything in ages. There is still my stuff that I have to pick up from our apartment but I just don't have the strength to do so, with her watching me and her eyes asking me why it had to come to this? If I'm being honest I don't really know how it came to this, did it start out when my dad got sick or before that? My insecurities got to me one time too often and I started questioning every move she made; she was trying to be the rock that I could lean on but I just didn't let her. I thought that I needed to grieve by myself and that was one of the mistakes I made. Now that I started to realize this I know what big of an ass I have been to her through it all, this wasn't just hard on me but also on everybody else, how could I not see this from the beginning? What if I were to go to her right now to try and fix this? Would she let me? I got up to walk to our apartment until I realize that it would be almost a 30 minute walk but since I have been drinking a good deal it would help me to clear my head a bit. When the fresh air hit me I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, everything would be alright I tried to tell myself or wouldn't it? Slowly I put one foot in front of the other, which is hard when you had half a bottle of gin, maybe I should call first to see if she is really there… I mean she could be out, as much as it pained me to say this but she does have a life. I grab my phone from my pocket and dial the number that is so familiar to me; she answers after the second ring.
"Hello?" I try to open my mouth to say something but no words want to leave my mouth; I have so many things to say to her but somehow I can't find the ability to form all the words in one sentence.
"Is somebody there?" She asks again but I still don't answer.
"Is this some joke? I'm going to hang up now." This sentence finally made me find some words.
"Wait!" I scream into the phone.
"Rachel is that you?" She asks in her angle voice, how was I ever able to throw away this person? I took one breath and finally gave an answer to her question.
"Yes it's me, please don't hang up. I wanted to ask if I could come over and talk to you." It was silent for a long time and I started to worry that she might have hung up on me.
"I don't have time right now to be honest; I'm already otherwise engaged." Otherwise engaged? To whom and what are they doing?
"I see, it is really important Quinn." I tried again hoping she would say yes.
"Quinn, who is on the phone?" There was a voice that I didn't know and it was in our apartment.
"Quinn please I just need 5 minutes it's important." I was now on the edge of tears and you could hear it in my voice and I'm sure Quinn heard them as well.
"Alright; I'll be waiting in front of the house." With those words she hung up, this was my chance to tell her everything that I couldn't a few months ago. I started to run the sooner I would have this talk the sooner I would know how my life is going to continue, with or without Quinn. While I was running down the street tons of thoughts were running through my head, scenes how this night would end and then I realized that there were only 2 options. I would either get my heart broken or I would be whole again, there was no other option.
I finally rounded the corner and saw her standing in front of the house like she promised. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a guy putting his hand on her shoulder and whispering something in her ear; she nodded at him and hugged him goodbye before he made his way down the street, while I stood there I watched every single move she made, the way she still played with her hands when she was nervous and how she would pace from one spot to another; I remembered how she would always do that when she was awaiting news, many times I have sat in our apartment and watched her pace until now I never found it so mesmerising. I didn't realise that she stopped; I was in my own little world that was until she came closer and was almost standing in front of me. I jumped when I looked up.
"What have I become scary to you now two?" She asked me with an icy tone.
"I was just daydreaming; I'm sorry." I told her and looked at my shoes; I didn't know how to go from here.
"Are we going to stand here the whole 5 minutes you've got?" She asked me and I snapped out of it.
"I'm sorry." I told her and looked deep into her eyes.
"Your time." She said and shrugged.
"That's not what I meant. I'm sorry for what I have done, for not letting you in, for treating you so badly, for just being the biggest ass on the planet. I'm sorry for all of it, when I should have let you in I closed off. I was being selfish only thinking about my pain and never thinking about anybody else; I have realized that now and I'm so sorry it took so long for that. I wanted you to be there for me but I just didn't know how to handle it; I though that shutting everybody out was the easiest way, if I don't let anybody see that I was in pain that maybe it would go away but I was wrong. It became worse with everyone I've pushed away and the final blow came with you. I know you are probably not able to forgive me but it was important for me that you know; I am sorry." When I stopped my rambling I took a deep breath to calm me nerves.
"It's always like this." She said in a tone that I couldn't place. "You either talk too much or not enough; you should try to find a middle between those." She said, still her face didn't give anything away.
"I'm sorry." I said again.
"Well it seems my 5 minutes are almost over so I won't bother you anymore." I turned around but was stopped when a hand grabbed my wrist.
"Were do you think you are going? You think that you are the only one who has to say so things?" She asked me in disbelieve.
"No of course not but I didn't know if you even wanted to say something to me."
"So you just walk away?" I nodded sheepish.
"You are not going to get away easy as that; let's take this inside since it is getting cold." She started to walk with my wrist still in her hand so that she was dragging me along. I knew that it wasn't over with this but it was a start and all of that just because I finally realised it!