Disclaimer: I borrowed the general idea (Mary Sue torture) from Gaia member YakuVega-Nari. Saitou is borrowed from Rurouni Kenshin and is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. Please don't sue (in any sense of the word).
A/N: I wrote this a while back for the Gaia forum. I ran across it again and thought, why not post it? It's not my best work, but it is worth a laugh or two.
Aku Soku Zan (Or Why Sues and Saitou Don't Mix)
"Let me out or my Kenshin will come and kill you."
Inspector Fujita Goro, a.k.a. Saitou Hajime of the Shinsengumi, known not so affectionately by some as "psycho cop," turned and silenced the young woman before him with a glare. The girl pouted, then looked away with a shake of her velvety honey-blond tresses.
Saitou's lips curled in a disgusted snarl. "Moron, everyone knows the Battousai has gone soft. He's sworn that idiotic oath never to kill again." Raising an eyebrow he added acidly, "And what's this about 'your Kenshin'? The idiot is in the thrall of that tanuki woman."
The cop chuckled slightly in genuine amusement as he remembered the way Kaoru had dragged the battered vixen into his office earlier that morning and ordered him to keep her there—apparently for her own protection.
Emerald green met feral amber. "Oh, so you know about his vow?" The blond chirped with a proud smile. "It was my idea, back when we were partners during the Bakumatsu. And if you must know, he was my lover!"
The Wolf of Mibu turned police inspector ran a hand absently through his spiky black bangs, reminding himself reluctantly that he had sworn to kill only those he knew to be evil. "You were a hitokiri?" He scoffed. "You have no fighting ki."
Saitou's eyes narrowed further when he realized there was something else wrong with the young woman's ki—something...something not human?
The girl, or whatever it was, sat up in a huff. "I am Kaze you big jerk! The only female practitioner of the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu!"
Saitou ran a hand thoughtfully over the hilt of his katana. "All lies. You know nothing of the crimson rain, of determining fate and defending ideals with the swiftness of a blade."
Tears welled up in its emerald eyes. "Of course I know! They raised me to do it from age three! I have nightmares every night!"
The former Shinsengumi captain's lips curled in the predatory smirk that few writers good or bad can ever resist mentioning. He had realized the truth.
"You have no right to exist." He stated coldly.
It....she...whatever...stopped crying and stared at him. "What?" It/she yelled indignantly.
The wolf's cruel smile grew wider. "You are not a real person. You are an intruder in our plane of existence. Therefore you are evil. Therefore..."
A spark of murderous intent gleamed in the amber slits.
"Aku...Soku...Zan."
The Sue could only gasp in horror as the silvery-blue arc silenced her sultry voice forever. There was nothing left but a momentary displacement of air.
Saitou walked disconcertedly from his office, not remembering when he had arrived there or why he had drawn his sword.
Terms:
Aku. Soku. Zan. : "Evil Swiftly Slay"(Destroy Evil Immediately); the real-life motto of the Shinsengumi.
Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu: Kenshin's sword style. The style is traditionally passed on to only one person, so only he and his master Seijuuro Hiko (should) know it.
Hitokiri: manslayer; assassin
Ki: chi, spirit energy
Shinsengumi: A real-life group during the Bakumatsu that fought for the Shogun. Nicknamed "The Wolves of Mibu." Saitou is a former captain of the Shinsengumi.
Tanuki: A small, bad-tempered Asian animal (translated as "raccoon" in the dubs). It's Kaoru's unflattering nickname. Often depicted in caricatures carrying a large wooden stick and...oro...phallic...imagery...so Kaoru is actually not overreacting all that much.