In a parallel universe, a reality TV show named "Murdoc!" is wildly popular. A rock star/villain named Murdoc leads a great life. Once in a while, someone insignificant turns up and fails to thwart Murdoc's plans for world domination.

This is the story of one such attempt.

This tale was told to me by Murdoc, who could not possibly have got anything wrong, or exaggerated. Such a modest and humble soul!

'Twas a glorious sunny day. The peacocks on the lawn were looking magnificent. Murdoc was having a lovely time. It was, as ever, a great hair day and he loved his new outfit. He was singing along to his own kick-ass theme tune. Yes! Of course Murdoc had written his own theme tune. Had his half-hearted nemesis MacGyver written his own theme tune? Of course not!

All of a sudden, the same semi-nemesis appeared - with an entourage. Murdoc calmly assessed them. One failed rock star (Mac), three sulky denim-clad teenagers and three women in lab coats.

"MacGyyyyyyyyyyverrrrr!" he exclaimed. "Or do I call you Rumpelstiltskin?"

MacGyver looked at him. He was every bit as unstylish and mullet-y as Murdoc remembered. What could one expect from someone who ditched the prospect of rock stardom for mere acting? What was up with that red shirt with small white blobs on it?

And would it kill him to at least brush his hair once in a while?

Murdoc spent a delightful half-minute fantasising about unlikely activities which might possibly kill MacGyver. He had, at one time, thought coffee might be Mac's personal kryptonite. He thus had tried to poison him with coffee. But it turned out that had only two effects.

It made Mac talk much more quickly ... and it made him gassy. Extremely gassy.

It had not been a pleasant experience.

Murdoc had then spent several months paying an alchemist to turn krypton gas into kryptonite. Unfortunately, it had turned out that the guy was a fraud and kryptonite didn't exist.

In desperation, Murdoc had disguised himself as a gargoyle and broken into the Phoenix Foundation HQ. There, he had found out MacGyver's real name. But Mac had shrugged it off. "Angus-Schmangus, it's not like my parents named me Rumplestiltskin or anything."

Frustrated, Murdoc had dressed up as an attractive female lawyer and changed Mac's legal name to Rumpelstiltskin Smugface Angus MacGyver.

"Oh, hi, Murdoc," said MacGyver. "I changed my name. I'm just MacGyver now. It's a mononym, you know. Like Bono."

(Bono! Murdoc's other nemesis - but that's another story.)

"What in the blazes are you doing here?" demanded Murdoc.

"We're going to turn your mansion into a centre for underprivileged youth."

"Huh? What? It's mine."

"Paid for with your ill-gotten gains. The Phoenix Foundation is taking you to court. You will be evicted and also go to prison. And we will take over this entire building and the grounds."

"Huh? No. The Murdoc Hacienda is mine. I won it in a duel."

"A duel?"

"Well, I stabbed a couple of people with a pointy sword. The details don't matter."

"A couple? Try a dozen."

"That's entirely untrue. Several of them volunteered to walk the plank." Murdoc sighed with nostalgia at the memory of the cool pirate outfits he used to wear. Maybe he should get them taken out of the loft and dry-cleaned?

Another one of MacGyver's acolytes appeared, looking outraged and clutching a glass bottle.

"I found this in the landfill waste."

MacGyver looked appalled.

"Murdoc doesn't recycle? Good work, Storm! Without your help we might not have uncovered the full extent of Murdoc's wanton depravity. He probably doesn't even floss!" He shuddered.

Murdoc was determined to settle the problem in a civilised manner.

"Maybe one or two of your delightful companions would like to have a drink or two with me," he suggested. He tried to make eye contact with the blonde scientist.

"Stop objectifying the lady scientists!" shouted MacGyver.

"We prefer the term 'scientists'," interjected one of the women, a red-haired physicist named Elise.

"We have names," said the blonde scientist. "I am Katya."

"You can't have drinks with him," said Mac. "He might have poisoned the drinks!"

"I like cocktails," purred the brunette scientist. "Hi. I'm Debbi. I am a robotics expert."

"Charmed to meet you," purred Murdoc, seductively. "It must get quite boring for you, hanging out with Mac and never drinking."

"Um, ladies, what about the poison? In the drinks? Just say no!" Mac was quite agitated.

"Don't worry," said Katya. "Poisons are my speciality. If there's anything in the drinks that shouldn't be there, we'll kick his ass and tie him up."

"Promises, promises," said Murdoc. And he winked. "I used to be a pirate, you know. I still have the outfits."

"Intriguing," said Elise. "We are all black belts in various martial arts. We really do kick ass."

"I'm not afraid of strong women," said Murdoc.

"Let's all four of us go for a drink," said Debbi.

"What?" screeched Mac. Which is when he, Storm and the other sulky youths made a half-hearted attempt to kill Murdoc, using some strange contraption made out of recycling and dental floss.

Murdoc sighed, disguised himself as a bagel, and escaped.

Again.

Yes, Murdoc was annoyed that he would have to rebuild the entire East Wing of the Murdoc Hacienda because of Mac's vandalism.

Yes, it was tiresome having had to move everyone (namely, his butlers, maids, peacocks, unicorns and visitors) to one of his numerous back-up mansions.

But, as he relaxed in the jacuzzi with Elise, Katya and Debbi, Murdoc reflected that things weren't going badly.

And tomorrow would be another day. Life was good.

Cue the kick-ass Murdoc theme tune.