Author's note: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black came from the mind of J.K. Rowling and not jenelin. This story takes place very specifically during PoA, in those few moments when Lupin pulls Sirius to his feet and embraces him in the Shrieking Shack. Not intended as slash, but if you want to view it that way, be my guest. My fic is always open to interpretation! In any case, enjoy! Anything in italics signifies thoughts, but that should be obvious!
There was so much that I wanted to say in that one moment when I saw Sirius again, when I knew that he was innocent. When I knew that everything I had thought about him these past twelve years was wrong. I felt relief, but I felt pain also that I had thought so terribly of him. I wanted him to know what I felt, and perhaps I would have told him if the situation had been different. As it was, the shock of seeing Sirius on the floor, gaunt and horrible, but innocent, filled my head. For a moment I thought of nothing but what I wanted to say to him, and time slowed as I drew near to him.
Don't get me wrong, Sirius. I am glad that you are alive. I am glad that you did not do what we all thought you did. I am glad that you are innocent, if I can call you that. Your eyes no longer speak of innocence. Selfishly, I am glad that it was not me who lived through what you did.
I am glad to see you, friend.
But don't expect things to be the same. I see in your eyes that you want the old days back. You want James here to make you smile and Peter here to worship, and you want me. You want the Remus of your youth. You think that I am still that child.
You have mistaken me for somebody you used to know.
I stared into his eyes, and I wanted to convey everything I was thinking to him. His eyes scared me, for they held such a different look than the one I used to know. I tried to tell him everything in that gaze. He stared at me, and I did not like what I saw in his eyes. I reached for his hand to pull him to his feet. My mind screamed that I should say something to him, but my mouth would not obey. The thoughts simply flew through my mind, and I was silent.
Look in my eyes, Sirius. You have never seen innocence in my eyes. I lost my innocence too soon. But I have changed since you knew me. Do you see the pain? Do you see the hatred? I hated you, Sirius. I hated you for so long. You, who were once as close as a brother, became my enemy. I wanted nothing more than to see you destroyed.
I do not hate you any longer, but I cannot be who you want me to be. I cannot change the past. I cannot make up for those we have lost. I cannot be the same person you grew up with. I cannot look at you the same way again.
But I can try to accept you for what you have became, if you will do the same for me. I will get to know you again. I will be you friend, Sirius, for you will need one in these days to come.
And I fear that I will be in need of one as well.
I seized his hand, and pulled him up. He grasped my hand tightly, whether from weakness or something else, and some of the old light flashed across his eyes for a second.
I am not the boy you used to know, but I can still be your friend. But please do not expect things to be the same. Do not ask for more than I can give.
He squeezed my hand quickly and whispered so softly that the others could not hear. "I'm sorry, Remus."
I forgot every word I had wanted to say to him and new thoughts filled my head. I had never felt such happiness, such relief, such love. Sirius had returned, and I need never lose his friendship again. Our friendship could be different while remaining the same. I would do anything he asked; I would give him everything I had and more.
But once again, words would not come, so I abandoned my thoughts and threw my arms around him, holding him close for a few moments, rejoicing in the simple fact that he was there for me to hold. Perhaps actions do speak louder than words, for when we drew apart, Sirius flashed a small smile at me, and in its warmth I found forgiveness for all I had thought of him. I smiled myself, and time returned to its normal path. There was business that needed to be done. I met Sirius' eyes again before turning to that.
I welcome you back with all of my heart, old friend.