This is a songfic that pairs with "Say Something." This one came to me second.
Just as I wondered what Lou might have been hoping to hear from Jimmy after that kiss in "The Blood of Others," I also wondered just what Jimmy was thinking as he tried to change the subject. I don't believe he thought it was a true mistake. I think he wanted to kiss her, but I don't think he meant to kiss her. And I can see him thinking that even if he loved her, she would be better off without him...
The dialogue is from "The Blood of Others."
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
How could he have lost control like that? How could he have let his guard drop after all that time spent keeping his distance? It was one thing to secretly love his best friend's girl, it was another to actually kiss her. But when Lou had stood before him, eyes sparkling as she told him what a good man he was, he'd been powerless to resist pressing his lips to hers.
It was the most satisfying and frustrating moment of his life. He'd always suspected there could be something between them. And when he'd kissed her, he felt something shatter within himself. The wall he'd carefully constructed around his heart was gone. This was worse than he'd thought. Not only did he love Lou, he now suspected she felt something for him too. Things were getting out of control.
His worst fears were confirmed when Lou finally broke the silence. "Jimmy, somethin' else happened last night besides Elias runnin' off."
Damn.
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
He'd often said to his brothers that life wasn't fair. But he sometimes forgot just how unfair it could be. His mama and sisters used to talk about how great love was, how magical it felt. Right now he'd prefer a festering wound to the way he was feeling.
Oh, loving Lou was easy enough. Admiring the way she lifted her chin when challenged or noticing how her chocolate brown eyes danced with amusement made him feel kind of warm inside. But the guilt he felt at possibly betraying the Kid ate at him. If Kid were mistreating Lou or didn't appreciate her, Jimmy wouldn't have had any hesitation. Thing was, he knew how much the Kid loved her. It was almost too much.
Double damn.
Trying to sound detached he responded, "Well, there ain't nothin' to discuss, Lou. Just weren't actin' ourselves."
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
He'd always thought Cody was the one with the flair for the dramatic. But right now Jimmy felt like he was an actor playing a part. He needed to convince Lou that he didn't feel anything after that kiss. Because maybe, just maybe, if he could convince her… Well then, someday he might even be able to convince himself.
Maybe someday he would stop picturing her there in the firelight, her lips slightly swollen from his kiss. And maybe he would eventually stop imagining what she would look like under him as they made love. The day would come when he no longer wondered what she would look like swollen with his child. But only if he could make her see the impossibility of it all.
Lou's voice held that stubborn tone he'd come to appreciate, "Cain't just pretend like it didn't happen."
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep
Jimmy's response held a confidence he didn't feel. "Yes, we can, 'cause it ain't gonna happen again."
He knew he sounded dismissive and harsh. And he knew the price he was about to pay. When he let her ride out of his life, he knew there would be no other. He couldn't imagine loving someone else the way he loved her.
He might find someone somewhere that he could love differently, but there would still be the problems that came with being "Wild Bill." Lou was the only woman he could ever imagine being strong enough to face the danger he knew would plague him, but he loved her too much to let her try. And to start a family? How could he ever even consider putting a child in such danger? No. He had to not only let her go, he had to push her away.
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?
Lou's voice held a pleading tone that cut him to the heart. "Jimmy, someday someone special's gonna come along, and ya can't just treat 'er like she don't count fer nothin'."
He could hear what she left unsaid, hear the hope in her words, but he needed to be ruthless. "There won't be no one, Lou." Not even you.
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
"Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you're more like Elias than I thought." She tried to disguise the hurt in her voice, but still lashed out with her words. She knew how much he feared becoming Elias.
He wavered. What if she'd been right last night? What if he really was the good man she believed him to be? What if she loved him enough to stand by him? But no. She would indeed stand by him, no matter who came gunning for Wild Bill. They would have to get through her if they ever wanted to get to him. And therein lied the problem.
He couldn't afford to falter again. Tired of arguing, Jimmy decided to try honesty. "What kind of life do I have to offer? Not bein' able to look into the future, 'cause I never know what's comin' up from behind."
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
"What if you found someone who could live with it?" Stubborn, devoted Lou. Sometimes the things he loved most about her also made him the most crazy. He wanted to pull her into his arms. Kiss her. Apologize for the hurt he'd inflicted by kissing her last night. And then he wanted to kiss her again. Nope, that wouldn't confuse her at all.
Jimmy steeled himself. If he truly loved her, he owed it to both of them to stop this before it went any farther. Her love for him would go back to what it had been before. He would satisfy himself with having her for a sister and friend. That'll keep you warm on a lonely winter night, right?
He needed to end this now, for their own good. She would appreciate it someday, even if he never did. Fed up with his own foolishness and her persistence, Jimmy tried to put as much finality as possible in his retort, "Why should I care for someone if it's just gonna bring 'em pain?"
Her response was not one of gratitude. It spoke of pain and brokenheartedness. "Then you will end up like him. Alone."
Her words tore through his soul like a bullet. He desperately wanted to call out to her, beg her forgiveness for his deliberate cruelty. Beg her to love him forever. But instead he rode on. She was right after all.
And you let her go
Thanks again to Beulah for her encouragement. :) You're a doll!