"Children in Samoa, Tonga and Kiritimati have all opened up their Christmas presents to reveal still steaming piles of excrement. Apparently Santa is up to some unusual antics this year. We are currently waiting to see if children in later time zones will wake up to this same disappointment.
"Ferb, today we are going to save Christmas," Phineas said haughtily from his place on the private jet they had created. Behind him a red Santa hat shaped dot blinked on the green radar. It hovered over Philadelphia, more specifically Paddy's Pub.
"I just can't believe that Santa is doing this. It's so vulgar," continued Phineas, he rested his ginger head against the back of the comfy leather seat. The plane was decompressing into a helicopter, the two step-brothers looked out their windows as they settled on the roof of the dirty building in the bad part of town.
"What the fuck are you doing up there?" came a shout from below.
"Yeah get off my fuckin' pub," yelled another. Shouts of agreement wafted up to the 10 year olds. Phineas' phone rang.
"Phineas I know what you're doing and I'm telling mom. You're going to get in so much trouble for saving Christmas, just you wait for the grounding that's coming you way," screamed his older sister Candace.
"Candace, I invited you to come. It's going to be fun. Here I'll send the private jet back to pick you up," Phineas responded happily. He pressed the big red button on his phone and the helicopter flew back up towards the tri-state area.
"No way. I don't want to be a part of your stupid plan," Candace screamed again before hanging up with a satisfying clack.
Phineas finally walked to the edge of the building and peered down at the five pieces of white trash below him. They were dressed as elves with the exception of the short old one that was dressed as Santa Claus. Pitchforks and torches were raised to the sky as they shouted still at the young boys.
"We have come here to ask you to stop shitting in everyone's presents. That's not what Christmas is about," Phineas said to the mob, he slowly descended the fire escape.
"I would love to get Frank's shit for Christmas," yelled back Charlie, he had a badge stapled to his forehead that read HEAD ELF, "you kids have no idea what a beautiful gift he's giving you."
"It's an inappropriate gift to give the world's children. So you better stop or Ferb and I will make you stop," Phineas pulled out an anti-poop laser.
"I'd like to see you try," Frank said hopping into the illegally parked sleigh at the front of the pub. It was filled with presents that judging by the smell Phineas knew were made by Frank himself. The sleigh took off into the night sky.
Phineas and Ferb pressed the big orange button on their phones and their handy jetpacks came floating over to them. They buckled themselves in because safety is important and carried off after Frank.
Perry the Platypus had been hiding in the helicopter as the boys travelled to Philadelphia. He knew Dr. Doofenshmirtz had expanded his goal of taking over the tri state area to taking over all of America, and he knew his new secret hideout was hidden underneath Paddy's Pub. With his cute little spy hat in place he snuck down to the basement.
"Ahh Perry the platypus. How kind of you to finally join us. Are you enjoying the Philadelphia sunshine!?" A metal contraption caught Perry in a t-pose ad a huge sun lamp rose out of the ground hitting Perry with wave after wave of dry heat. Doofenshmirtz laughed.
"I want you to meet my new gang. Perry the platypus, meet Liam and Ryan McPoyle The McPoyle's smiled disgusting oily grins and waved at the aquatic mammal.
"We're going to donate all of our grossness to make an anti-gross ray," the eldest one explained.
Perry the platypus just looked confused.
"Yes Perry the platypus I am going to make a ray that replaces all horrible things with somewhat decent things. Therefore lowering the enjoyment of all things."
Perry still looked confused.
"Listen if there's nothing really awful then things that are really great don't seem as really great. Nobody will have anything bad to compare it to."
Perry nodded in understanding but still didn't fully grasp the concept.
Doofenshmirtz pulled down a large tarp to reveal a huge laser with two human sized chambers attached. "I call this... the make-less-good-inator!"
The two McPoyle's whooped and hollered.
Perry clapped politely, revealing that he had escaped from his sun tan prison.
Doofenshmirtz screamed like a little bitch as Perry ran towards his lovely machine.
A well-placed kick did nothing to the machine, and the McPoyles were able to gather up the small creature without much difficulty. He was strapped back into the sun tan t-pose machine.
"Liam, Ryan assume the positions!" The two grossest human beings on earth climbed into the two chambers.
"Hahaha perfect. Get ready to kiss all of the gross things on earth away Perry the platypus," Doofenshmirtz chortled. He aimed the laser at a cigarette factory and pulled the trigger.
A multitude of things took place simultaneously as Doofenshmirtz's finger applied pressure. First of all, the laser instantly vaporized the McPoyles.
Secondly, Frank flew over the cigarette factory causing him to get hot by the laser instead. As a result all of his shit gifts were replaced with somewhat decent ones.
Third, the laser interfered with both Phineas and Ferb's jetpacks causing them to plummet towards the pavement below. Luckily they're smart boys who had backup parachutes. So instead of dying they instead drifted down to the sidewalk slowly. They had a great time.
Fourth, Candace pushed her mom towards the telescope she had set up. It focused on where her brothers were, unfortunately for her they had already plummeted out of frame by the time her mom actually bothered to look.
Finally, Perry the platypus once again broke out of his restraints to completely destroy the laser so nobody could use it ever again.
The news reporter on TV gave his final remarks on the story, "It looks like Santa was angry with everyone in the world except for those living in Philadelphia. They instead received somewhat decent gifts. Seems like it IS always sunny in Philadelphia."