Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders.
Sometimes, it hurts really badly. Sometimes, I have to get every drop of beer I can find into my body, with a need to forget. Sometimes, I have to hurt people, just so I can try to make myself feel better. I figured out that hurting people didn't help, but it was like a drug, so I couldn't stop.
Eventually, I figured out that the more I drank, and the more I wrecked other peoples days, the more I hurt. Every day, I would go to wherever I planned to sleep that night, and my mind would feel all the more heavy. Sometimes, it was unbearable.
And sometimes, there was Johnny Cade. That kid. The loophole. The exception. The reason that the pain would stop... sometimes.
Johnny Cade is my inspiration. The one who escaped. The one who was strong enough not to turn out like me, or the hundreds of other street rats out there. The one who was tough enough to get through a day without getting his fix of hurting other people. The one who doesn't need beer, or drugs.
Sometimes, I think that Johnny is insane. Completely ill. I mean, it's human nature to allow ones self to get tougher as their environment gets tougher. Like I do. But Johnny... when his situation gets hard, he just sits and hopes that someday it'll get better.
I've heard people call that moronic. I've heard people call it frightening. And sometimes, I've heard people call it brave. Sometimes.
Not a lot of people think that Johnny's for real. They don't think that he really has it all that bad. He can't. Who could stand all that pain without taking a drug, or mugging someone once in a while? How could they do that? I know the answer to both questions. Johnny Cade can do it, and it's because he's stronger than all of us.
We're the weak ones. We're the ones who became our situations. We lived in a broken home? We broke others. But that kid... he was invincible.
Nothing could touch him, because he wouldn't hurt a fly.
And there's no way in hell that I'll let anyone take that away from him. Because that kid's strong. He's tough. And sometimes, the toughest people are the ones who need to most protection.
So I will be there to do that for him. Sometimes.
And sometimes, I'll be stoned. And sometimes, I'll be lying in the streets, bleeding. And sometimes, I'll be sitting alone, wondering what the fuck I did to deserve this life. What I did to anyone. Did God know I was an evil child before I was born, and decide to give me up to a bad family? One where a hopeless evil like me could thrive in all his anger?
Well shit; that just isn't fair.
I figured about nine years into my life, that if I was put into this place, I'd do something to have to deserve it. Three months later, I was locked in the slammer for the first time.
But I don't think Johnny will ever do that.
Sometimes, I think I'd shoot myself to keep that safe.
Sometimes, I'm too high to care.
But not today. Today, I saw a sixteen year old miracle die. And all I could think when I watched him go out like a candle, was that there wouldn't be enough people to hurt, or beer, or crack, or dope or anything to make me forget those innocent eyes staring up pleadingly into my face.
Sometimes, the pain is unbearable. Sometimes, I wonder if there's anything on this fucking planet that'll make it go away. The pain of reality. The pain of knowing that I was born into this hell-hole of a life and I was too weak to gut it out.
Today, I figured out that there's one thing that'll stop me from hurting. That'll make me forget everything.
Sometimes, I wonder if anyone misses me now that I am dead.
And sometimes I don't care.