Mini-Lesson 10 ½: How to get to second base with your "best friend" a.k.a. Peter

A changing and now seriously perturbed Sirius Black screeched at Peter, who was zipping up his red elevator shoe.

"Why the hell are you putting your shoes on now? And why the hell is your naked ass in my face?!?!?" Indeed this was true. Peter was adorned with a blue sock on his right foot and all Sirius could see a red sparkly elevator shoe on his left. "Seriously dude! Where are your pants?!?!? Your underpants?!?!?"

Peter pointed to a pile in the corner where all of his clothes were now sheltered. "There." He answered bluntly.

"Put them on! I do not want to see man ass," Sirius yelled, shielding his eyes with his hand.

"But I'm not done," Peter said quietly.

Sirius, who still was protecting his beautiful eyes, was groping around for Peter's underwear. While in his quest, he grabbed Peter's bobalaba dingdong (A/N PENIS YES IT'S A PENIS!) and his eyes popped out of their sockets as he noticed the underwear wasn't in his grasp.

Peter squealed in surprise (A/N and pleasure I am sure)

Sirius gapped at the situation with wide eyes and an open jaw. He backed away slowly, letting go of Peter as gently as possible.

"I… I didn't mean to…" Sirius awkwardly patted Peter's bobalaba dingdong than backed up in shock that he had just repeated the same astounding action.

"Uh, I saved my Doctor Octopus, to be touched… by…. A girl…"

" I was going to apologize, but now I want to know why the fuck you named it that." Sirius interrogated. Peter shot a look applying how completely appalled he was at his statement.

" Doc Oct, like from Spiderman, with the testicles" Peter explained. Sirius slapped himself in the forehead.

"You mean TENTICALS YOU FUCKING NITWIT!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Oh."

Sirius looked down at his now very contaminated hand. "Rem," he shouted over the stall "where's the hand sanitizer?"

Sirius exited the stall, to find Remus, the hand sanitizer, and a confused look.

Squeak

Squeak

Squeak

Squeak

Squeak

James Potter was leaning back and forth on a rollie-chair that created squeaking noises. His face resembled one like a lesbian finding a vibrator (not that there's anything wrong with that)

"Prongs. What are you- why- cut it out!" Remus demanded.

"Guys, this is fun! You should try it! IT SQUEAKS!" James said, with enthusiasm not only in his words, but also in his eyes.

"James, do us all a favor and look in the mirror," Sirius pleaded. James decided to take Sirius's advice (for once) and noticed what had his friends grossed out.

"Oh," was all James said.

What was ever so peculiar about his position was the fact that he oddly looked as if he was humping the air each time he made the chair peep.

"So what was going on with you and Peter in the changing room?" Remus turned, questioning Sirius.

"Yeah. Peter, why don't you tell them what you named-"

"Sirius shut up!" Peter shrilled.

"Peter named his-"

"Stop it!"

"His balls, kibbles and bits, schlong, his space invader, danglers, purple headed yogurt spitter, his (very) little Peter, fizzle, tallywager, porksword, doinkle, pitote, fogigglystick 'Doc Oc'," Sirius listed.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up," yelled Peter after each synonym Sirius came up with and then blushed and looked to the floor as the name was said.

" 'Doc Oc'? What the deuce?" James managed out through laughs.

"Do you have anything better?!?" Peter challenged.

"I call it my precious"

"Isn't that from Lord of the Rings? You read?!?!?" Remus asked.

"Moony, what do you take me for! Of course not. Sirius and I watched the movies!" Remus sighed and lightly banged his head on the 3-way mirror.

"Sirius, what do you call yours?" James asked conversationally.

"Well, Poseidon is my left nut, Hercules my right, and Zeus is the rest of the package," Sirius replied smugly.

"No matter what you think, you aren't a God Sirius. You never were and you never will be," Remus stated still banging his head between words.

"Then what is yours named?" Sirius questioned angrily.

"It doesn't have a name, because I happen to have more honor in my pinky than you three have all together," he retorted.

Dumbfoundedly, Sirius asked, " I thought we were talking about our penises here, not our pinkies. Hey James, why did you name your finger 'my precious'?"

Remus audibly sighed. "Sirius, just, oh nevermind."

"C'mon Moonorama. Everyone names their wangs," James prodded (A/N PUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN).

Remus hung his head in shame. "Mhmhmhhhmmmm."

"What was that?" Peter asked.

"My other furry little problem"

The other 3 marauders broke into fits of laughter. James was rolling on the floor.

"Guys stop it. It isn't that funny. It's just my penis."

This made all the marauders giggle, except for Remus that is.

Moral of the Story: This is just a half story. We still have another installment for the rest of the tenth one. SO READ THAT TOO!

Fin

(A/N Ollivander somehow got his hands on the security tapes and still watches them to this day… ew.)