((Author Notes: x3 prequel to 'You Know What' XD perfect explanation for some of the events in the fic. Enjoy le crack-tastic fun~!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.))

Alligators, Oh My!

So it's kind of strange how I ended up in this situation. Essentially I think it all started with someone mentioning that despite my logic defying stunts I always came out without a scratch on me.

(not that this was at all true but given no one remembers the whole dying thing…)

But in any case I've ended up in yet another horribly desperate situation that threatens my life and to top it all off, I hear that there are guard dogs.

I don't really have any particular fear of dogs but something about a known badass looking horrified and shivering slightly at the mention of these particular dogs does make me kind of nervous. You know, just a little.

Now the problem with these nerves were that I was too busy thinking about the dogs to remember the instructions on how to avoid the chainsaw pit.

…oh, did I forget to mention there is a fucking chainsaw pit? Sorry. My bad.

And this is why the day after the horribly scarring experience the two mercenaries are at my door again and A. pissed at me for ditching halfway through the mission and B. seriously impressed at my ability to escape all that without a scratch or anyone even noticing me leave.

So of course they want me to try for round two.

I think these missions would go better if these two liked each other more, but it was painfully obvious that they had some sort of racial prejudice against the other and seemed to only be working together because they knew the other was the best they could get for such a mission.

It probably had something to do with the Brit being Christian and the Frenchie continuously referring to god as a 'beetch'.

See, I would have refused round two but these two kind of scared me more than the chainsaws.

So when the next time I was there a fucking flying monkeys on steroids proceeded to pick me up and drop me in the lemon scented chamber of chainsaws again I kind of missed the first time because at least there wasn't a fucking flying monkeyshitting applesauce after me as I descended to certain doom.

So yeah I really didn't want to go when they knocked on my door again but after hearing something along the lines of 'knowing too much to live' kind of slipped into the conversation I decided it was best to just go along.

Because hell, that shovel looked like it would hurt, and most importantly… they wouldn't remember killing me so they would just keeptrying!

Somehow I didn't like that option.

So I make it past the chainsaws, the monkeys, and even the fucking dogs. (I totally understand that guys sentiment) I find out what's guarding the front door is a successful recreation of the manbearpig that attacked the pentagon all those years ago…

It was here that I decided that I really hated doing espionage missions to a guy that's into genetic fucking manipulation. I mean really, what the fuck was up with those dogs having five asses?

So then making it past manbearpig after the third try (I learned squirrels with scarves are its weakness… I don't want to know why) I finally make in the front door and, low and behold, I get captured and interrogated.

So interrogations not my thing! I have a certain weak spot for pain. Yeah so both Frenchie and Brit(y? is that a word?) are all pissed and on my case and then I'm supposed to kill the guy!

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, but knowing how badly death hurts I wasn't a terrible fan of you know, bringing it upon the living.

So they're all like 'you unbelievable pussy' and I trudge back to the pits of certain doom only to learn the bastards added a goddamn alligator tank to his traps of terror and after playing 'I don't like getting eaten!' for them better part of an hour I am apparently distracting enough for long enough that the other two complete the mission.

Well, that and I had one of the alligators eat the siren that brings out the dogs. No more freak butts for me today!

In the end I was offered another job with the two of them but luckily they thought better of it a moment later, remembering how many times I had 'ditched' without a word.

Lucky me?

(what really sucked about the alligators was he made me jump in there willingly. I'm not a terrible fan of suicide normally unless it's, you know, completely painless)

((Ending Notes: I couldn't not explain all the weird references to alligators and ze Mole in 'You Know What', this was really fun to write C:

-an amused Muse.))