A/N: This story is going to be almost purely comedy, about having mischief with the console, as the title could possibly perhaps suggest. Drop a review saying which command you want next, and I'll try it. The story will be told from a third-person omniscient perspective. It'll be people reacting to the Dragonborn's mischief with commands. I will also include whatever funny mods I want.

Hi! It's me, you. You're like, "what?" right now, but I promise you I'll clear things up soon. What're you gonna name your character? Just kidding, you're an Altmer named Abelas. Moving on…

"You're not with the Thalmor Embassy, are you, high elf? No, that can't be right…" Hadvar trailed off as he looked at the person who had just changed appearances maybe fifty times. His head was spinning. First, he saw the… thing in front of him change races, from Breton to Nord to Dunmer, until finally settling on an Altmer. Then all the facial features moved, from eyes which went all the way under the mouth which was pushed up hilariously to the nose to a very typical mean guy that you would meet in the tavern as a mercenary. Then the hair flew all over the place and he went from bald to waist-level to shoulder-length to bob until remaining at a messy perm. Then he got super fat and then went to bones until he stayed at a medium build. Scars were all over the place too. He went from "snowflake who's never fought in his life" to "ouch, that was a bad gash" to "cat owner" in a matter of seconds. It was intriguing.

"Um, captain, he's not on the list."

"Forget the list. He goes to the block."

"By your orders, Captain. Follow the captain, prisoner."

It was at this point that Tullius spoke up. "Ulfric Stormcloak. Some here in Helgen call you a hero. But a hero doesn't use a power like The Voice to murder his king and usurp his throne."

Ulfric just grunted through the gag.

"You started this war, plunged Skyrim into chaos, and now the Empire is going to put you down, and restore the peace."

A fearsome but distant roar pierced the air. "What was that?" asked Hadvar.

Tullius remained calm. "It's nothing. Carry on."

The Priestess of Arkay began her long speech. "As we commend your souls to Aetherius, blessings of the Eight Divines upon you, for you are the salt and earth of Nirn, our beloved…"

The man to be executed yelled, "For the love of Talos, shut up and let's get this over with."

"As you wish."

"Come on, I haven't got all morning. My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperials. Can you say the same?" The axe came down and just as soon as the blood spurted, the man's head was rolling in the box, healthy with fresh blood. The eyes were blinking, but the life was fading.

Various things were yelled. "You Imperial bastards!" "Justice!" "Death to the Stormcloaks!" "As fearless in death as he was in life." The last one was contributed by Ralof, who was not excited about watching any more of these.

The Captain wasn't wasting any time, though. "Next, the high elf!"

Abelas waited as another roar pierced the air.

Hadvar felt the need to comment again. "There it is again. Did you hear that?"

"I said, next prisoner!"

"To the block, prisoner. Nice and easy."

Abelas sadly but silently plodded up to the block.

The next roar felt a little bit closer. They saw why in five seconds when a block of squares appeared, and shifted multiple times between a smiling blue cart with a chimney coming out of the top to a comical human with ridiculously long arms, tiny shorts, and squiggles on dark glass attached to his eyes via a long white rigid pair of arms that held to his "ears". The next roar wasn't really a roar. It kept phasing between the sound of steam being passed through a small opening, although a bit lower, and a raspy human yell. They seemed to be paired with the cart and the "human", respectively.

Ralof was terrified, but he had to act quickly. Whoever this person was that was changing features didn't do anything wrong. He probably would've been executed and it might've been justified, even from those Imperial dogs, but this high elf was not wrong. He probably was a refugee who just happened to run into the area where they were ambushed. In any case, he wasn't a Stormcloak soldier. "Come with me, elf! Get up! The gods won't give us another chance!"

They both ran into the tower, where Ulfric was waiting for them.

"Jarl Ulfric! What is that thing? Could the legends be true?"

The original Stormcloak was quick in his reply. "Legends don't burn down villages. We need to move. Now!"

"Up through the tower. Let's go!"

Some Stormcloak said about his comrades, "They're hurt, but they'll live. Another second out there with the dragon, and they'd both be dead…"

"Let's go! With me, up the tower!"

Another one piped up. "We just need to move some of these rocks to clear the way!"

At this point they were all desperate. Then the ugly smiling cart/stupid-looking human/thing poked its head through the hole in the wall that it had just made, killing one Stormcloak soldier. Ralof saw the inn, and knew only one of them could make it in the time they had. "See the inn on the other side? Jump through; we'll follow when we can!"

Abelas took a leap of faith… and missed. He was right in the path of the dragon, but he just casually took the blow and slammed the creature to the ground with one hand. It immediately roared fire at him (although it sounded more like a whimper) and flew away. Ralof held his breath, and… whatever his name was (Abraham?) was just standing there. He walked over to Hadvar, whom Ralof recognized, and then ran with him.

Hadvar couldn't believe what he just saw, but he needed to survive. The small child, though… he couldn't just leave the small child there. "Haming, you need to get over here. Now! Torolf!" However, Torolf never heard his words as he was bludgeoned by what Hadvar thought was a dragon's head. "Gods... Everyone get back!"

Alduin was now using his Fire Breath shout.

"Still alive, prisoner? Keep close to me if you want to stay that way. Gunnar, take care of the boy. I have to find General Tullius and join their defense," Hadvar yelled.

"Gods guide you, Hadvar," said Gunnar, wishing him luck.

"Stay close to the wall!"

Abelas did not heed his words, however, and ran straight into Alduin's Fire Breath. This didn't faze him, though. He just stood there, as if the "breeze" was comforting. Hadvar, remaining shocked, found quickly his as-yet leashed talent of hiding terror. "Quickly, follow me!"

General Tullius was waiting there. "Hadvar! Into the keep, soldier, we're leaving!"

Ralof had caught up by now. Hadvar didn't look too happy about it. "It's you and me, prisoner. Stay close! Ralof! You damned traitor. Out of my way!"

Ralof retained his gritty resolve. "We're escaping, Hadvar. You're not stopping us this time."

"Fine. I hope that dragon takes you all to Sovngarde," he spat back.

Instead of continuing to argue, probably getting them all killed, Ralof said to Abelas, "You! Come on, into the keep!"

Reluctantly, Abelas trotted over to Hadvar. (A/N: IMPERIALS ALL THE WAY BABY!) Ralof felt betrayed, but he understood. Running into the keep, he disappeared, not to be seen again until the final battle.

Hadvar wasted no time inside the keep. Cutting Abelas' restraints, he threw him a suit of armor. They lay on the ground until they disappeared and then reappeared on his body. He gave Abelas some food, and then ran to arm him. He was right-handed. Hadvar threw him a shield and then ran through the keep. Abelas suddenly attacked him. For some reason, he didn't fight back, and it didn't hurt. He kept attacking him until his arm became so buff that his bicep was probably larger than his head. It didn't matter to him, except that it was taking pretty long. Maybe fifteen months or so. Whatever, Alduin was still out there apparently. Now Abelas started casting a fire spell on him. Again, it didn't hurt for some reason. He had been going for five minutes now. When was he going to run out of magicka?

Another fifteen months later, Abelas finally stopped and ran out where he was met by a bunch of Stormcloaks. He shook off blow after blow as he just bashed their heads with his bare knuckles. He was fighting them naked, apparently, as he took all of them down with remarkable strength. Not only that, but his skin seemed to be made out of dragon scales, because their swords were doing nothing to draw even a semblance of a scratch on his skin. As the last one fell, he brushed himself off. Turning to Hadvar, he beckoned him forward. Although slightly trembling, Hadvar walked. Then he ran to the next room, with the same method of defeating the soldiers. He put some clothes on as he realized that they were going to the torturer.

Being a torturer, the man didn't have the most pleasant demeanor. He spoke in an almost douchey voice, "You fellows happened along just in time. These boys seemed a bit 'upset' at how I've been entertaining their comrades."

Hadvar, on the other hand, was quite panicked. "Don't you even know what's going on? A dragon is attacking Helgen!"

"A dragon?" he snorted, "please, don't make up nonsense." He paused, apparently thinking of something. "Although, come to think of it, I did hear some odd noises coming from over there."

"Come with us. We need to get out of here."

"You have no authority over me, boy."

"Didn't you hear me? I said the keep is under attack!"

At this point, his assistant spoke up. "Forget the old man. I'll come with you." He was handed a sword and then thrown a pile of armor that probably weighed as much as he did. He collapsed. Abelas raised a hand to a half "oh", half-smirk that signified at least a semblance of remorse.

He picked the locks with ease and took the mage's robes. Leaving the place, he took a longbow and instead of fitting an arrow to the strings, bashed people with the bow and stabbed them with arrows. Cackling like a madman, he ran to yet another room, where there were frostbite spiders. Oh well, they were weak. At least, that was what Abelas thought after digging inside their slimy bodies to extract vials of their venom. The torturer's assistant had run back to the "old man" by then. Going to the room with the bear, he woke her up and let her bite him. Then, with one Saitama-esque punch he knocked the bear out. Hadvar watched the entire time in awe and fear. Wherever he got trained, it must've been hell. Then, Abelas dragged him along, where the elf would begin his adventure.

A/N: Did you get which command it was this time? This time it wasn't really apparent, but in future chappies I'll try.