Title: I Want You Back
Author: Sirius
Pairing: R/J
Summary: Jess writes Rory a letter from California and she's unsure of what to do.
In the week that I've been here, I've found that one thing is for sure. Californians leave you alone a whole lot more than people do in Connecticut. Maybe that's because like eighty percent of the population is tourists, or maybe its because they just don't give a shit, but either way, I'm finding it to be less stressful. The only problem I have with California so far, is there's no where to go that's quiet. I can't stop thinking about her, but I can't concentrate enough to figure out how I feel or what to do. All I know is that I royally screwed up, and right now, there doesn't seem to be any way to justify what I did.
I'm walking along the beach right now. I haven't even bothered to roll up my pants and sand is clinging relentlessly across the damp bottoms. I know I'm going to be hosed off when I get back to Jimmy's but I don't really care. Sasha has a thing about sand. She doesn't really care if you come in wet; she just doesn't want to see any sand. You'd think someone who'd lived by the beach her entire life would be more laid-back about it, but I'm constantly being surprised by her views.
As I walk, I think about what I jerk I've been. I can't believe I was so terrible to the only person who was nice to me. I pushed her away when she didn't do anything wrong. I let her down when she was counting on me the most. I lied to her when she knew I was in trouble. I led her on and let her believe that I was worth something when really, I'm a no-good punk who doesn't know how to deal with life. The only thing I did right was love her. And I only did that right in concept. I loved her, I know I did, but I didn't treat her like I should have. If I had loved her the way she deserved to be loved, I wouldn't be here now, with her on the other side of the country.
I know I should apologize, but it almost seems irrelevant. I mean, there's no way we can get back together. I've put her through too much. It's too late now. She's going off to college in two months, and I will be a part of her past. I guess that's what I am now. I don't deserve to be anything more. But I still need to tell her I'm sorry, maybe explain things a little.
Eventually, I made my way back to Jimmy's. It was getting late and the sun was setting. When I got to the front gate, a headphone clad Sasha spotted me immediately and frowned. I looked down at myself and remembered the sand. She called me over with the hose in hand and sprayed me down. I trudged into the house with a towel and opened the kitchen drawers looking for a pen and some paper. After finding what I needed, I retreated to the den and sat down on my makeshift bed.
Resting the paper on my knee, I began to write a sloppy letter to Rory. I crouched over the page with my face scrunched up in concentration, attempting to do the hardest thing I'd ever done. I'd never really asked anyone to forgive me before. I'd always been religiously non-committal and I liked to keep my distance from everybody. Rory has been the only exception. She's always the exception. The only person I confided in. The only person I could trust. The only person who cared about me. The only person I cared about. I knew the letter was important. I understood that it probably wouldn't change anything, but it might get her to talk to me.
Rory,
Every tear you cry is a mistake I've made, and I've made too many. I can't make the things I did undone, but if I could, I would do all this over again. I told you not to worry. I told you everything was okay, even when you and I both knew it wasn't. I pushed you too far and yelled at you when you didn't do anything wrong. God, you didn't do anything wrong. I never even got up the courage to talk to you afterward. I followed you out to the street, but chickened out and came back to the diner. So now, I'm on the other side of the country, and I'm trying to figure out what to do because I can't stop thinking about you. I thought I could forget about you, forget every damn thing I did to you, but I can't. You're stuck in my heart and I'm not even sure if I want you out. I'm sorry. There're no other words that better describe how I feel. I'm sorry. I need to talk to you, but I don't know if I can, or even if you want to talk to me. I'm going to call your house at 7:30 your time on Friday the 22nd. If you want to talk to me, pick up the phone. If not, I understand. Either way, I'm still sorry.
Love,
Jess
I read over what I'd written four times to make sure I'd said all that I'd wanted to say. It sounded so superficial. How did I get myself into a stereotypical teen movie? I tried to be James Dean, that's how. Angrily, I folded the paper into thirds and went back to the kitchen to get an envelope. I wrote Rory's name and address on the front and hesitated before putting the return address. She'll know it's from me by the postal service stamp, so there's really no reason. Besides, if she wants to talk to me, she'll pick up the phone. I stuck a stamp onto the cover and went back outside.
I nodded in Sasha's direction before made my way down the road to the dimly lit main street. It was now far into the evening and the stars had started to poke through the deep ebony sky. Jimmy's hot dogs stand somewhere on the sidewalk, but I wasn't going to him. I knew there was a mail drop-off further down the street. I walked by the payphone quickly without looking at it and hurried off to get rid of the letter before I changed my mind. I felt like an idiot, but I had to be cautious before I got myself tangled up in this mess anymore than I already was.
I was nearing the drop-off and my heart was beating a little faster than normal. I was standing in front of it now, ready to take the first step to forgiveness. I reached out and opened the lid and looked down into the dark hole. My gaze shifted to the front of the envelope and sighed. Quickly, I tossed the letter into the bin, threw the lid back on, and ran away. Again, I felt like an idiot, but now I was an idiot who was trying to do the right thing. Friday the 22nd couldn't come fast enough.
(A/N: Hey guys, thanks for reading! I know I haven't written anything in a long, long time, but today I got the sudden urge! Haha. There will be at least one more chapter of this, and it will probably be up tomorrow. I hope you liked it! Reviews are always appreciated. J)