'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the pub
Not a creature was stirring,
Except for one shlub.
A fellow named Charlie,
With the brain of a child,
Stalked towards the tree
With presents in piles.
He glanced to the left,
And peeked to the right,
The coast sure looked clear,
There was no one in sight.
He took a great leap
And dove into the gifts,
He searched for the ones marked "Charlie"
And tore the wrappings in fifths.
But in all the excitement,
He forgot to stay hushed
From the back office came Dee,
And Charlie's dreams would be crushed.
"Get the hell out of here, Charlie!"
She squawked, holding a mimosa
"You're making a racket,
And I'm trying to fuck Bill Ponderosa."
Charlie knew better than to argue
With that horny bird bitch.
Paddy's Irish Pub
He would have to ditch.
So he hit the streets,
Leaving Paddy's behind,
While visions of sugar plum fairies
Danced in his mind.
As he wandered through Philly,
Charlie glanced to the skies.
He saw something flying!
It was quite the surprise.
"Holy shit, it's Santa!"
Charlie screamed out in joy,
"Hey you fat fuck,
Come give me my toys!"
The UFO froze,
No longer making advance.
It turned towards Charlie,
Making him shit his pants.
The flying thing flew
Directly at Charlie,
He knew if it hit him,
Things would get pretty gnarly.
But the UFO stopped
Just in front of his nose,
The cockpit popped open
And out a small body rose.
A weird tiny blue creature,
With a menacing aura.
His head had a beak on the front,
And was topped with a fedora.
The two stared at each other,
Neither speaking a word
Until from quite a ways off
A terrible noise could be heard.
An earthshaking pounding,
That went thud thud thud crunch!
Charlie knew what was happening
And he said on a hunch:
"A huge robot Santa,
Terrorizing our town!
Take me with you, strange rat thing,
And I'll help you take it down!"
The platypus nodded,
And made room in the cockpit.
Though Charlie was larger
So it quite a tight fit.
The shuttle flew high
And sped over the town,
But their destination
Made old Charlie boy frown.
A giant red Santa
Labelled Doofenshmirtz Incorporated
Rampaging through downtown
Leaving it all decimated.
Giant lumps of coal
Were shot from the machine
Crumbling buildings
And squashing young teens.
Perry offered a grimace,
And like a true flying ace,
He accelerated the shuttle
And smashed into Santa's face.
With a crash and screech,
The shuttle came to a halt,
Perry leapt into action
To continue his assault.
He punched Doctor Doofenshmirtz
Right in the jaw,
Charlie watched on
In plain, stupid awe.
The two battled hard
With punches and kicks
Charlie wanted to help
So he grabbed his rat bashing stick.
He swung it 'round wildly,
Hitting quite a lot:
Dashboards and panels
Like a rat stick buckshot.
Doofenshmirtz cried out
"Dear lord, please stop!
You'll make Santa-bot fall
And we're at the top!"
But Charlie kept on swinging
And finally struck
A great big red button reading
"SELF DESTRUCT"
Perry grabbed Charlie
And pulled him back into the shuttle.
Once again, so tight
They essentially had to cuddle.
They flew out of the Santa
And into the sky,
Looking back to see the mech fall
And probably thousands die.
Perry felt awful
But Charlie just chortled.
In his simple mind,
He was now immortal.
Perry dropped him off
At the same spot they met,
A block from old Paddy's
As the sun started to set.
"That was quite the adventure!"
Charlie giggled with glee.
"Merry Christmas to you
And Merry Christmas to me!"
Perry just nodded,
And removed his cap.
He held it out for Charlie,
Who took it in a snap.
"Hey thanks, man,
Too bad I have nothing for you."
After a moment he reconsidered,
"Oh wait! Yes I do!"
The platypus followed the man
Back towards the bar
"Come on, Perry!
It's not too far!"
They entered Paddy's
And headed to the tree.
Charlie grabbed one of the presents
And handed it to Parry.
"Go ahead, open it."
Charlie urged with a smile.
Perry did as he was told,
And opened up a stuffed crocodile!
The two new friends played
With their new Christmas toys
And created a new game
Called "Crocodiles and Cowboys."
"Charlie? I told you to get out!" Dee screamed, throwing open the door to the back office once again. She looked at her friend sitting next to the Christmas tree. Charlie's blank stare shifted over to Dee and she saw that his face was stained teal.
"Oh what the hell, Charlie? Were you huffing spray paint again?"
He muttered something about a platypus and a giant robot Santa Claus, but he was too far gone to be understood.
Dee took Charlie by the hand and led him to one of the booths. She tucked him in and went back to the office to the waiting Bill Ponderosa.
THE END