"Who murdered Dr. Joe Early?" Fireman/paramedic John Roderick Gage asked mysteriously, pacing around the Victorian-style room, sporting a very sleek tuxedo and smoking a Cuban cigar.
Miss Dixie McCall darted her eyes back and forth and adjusted her fox fur shawl. Fireman/paramedic Roy DeSoto stiffened his shoulders and took out his pocket watch. Fireman Chet Kelly grinned under his mustache, thinking the whole ordeal to be humorous. Dr. Kelly Brackett sighed and took a sip from his wine glass, while Mike Stoker halted playing the piano. The chef, Marco Lopez, offered something in Spanish, he sounded like he was pleading innocence. The butler, Captain Henry "Hank" Stanley sighed irritably, quite annoyed with this dilly-dally. Dr. Mike Morton raised his chin defiantly and huffed. Miss Sharon Walters widened her eyes and looked at Johnny with awe, as Henry the Basset hound rolled over on the couch.
"It happened thirty minutes ago," Johnny started loudly, trying to sound like he knew what he was doing, "And now our dear old friend lies dead in the kitchen. Who did it?"
He whipped around with his famous half-grin.
"Was it the butler?" he asked, pointing to Captain Stanley.
"Or, was it the nurse? How about the musician? The chef? The prankster? The doctors? The female bachelor? What about the paramedic?"
Roy snorted. "Last time I checked, I wasn't the only one in the room who was a paramedic." Johnny rolled his eyes.
"Would you just shut up, Roy?" Johnny hissed impatiently, dousing his cigar in the ash tray on the piano. "I'm trying to be dramatic."
Roy crossed his arms and muttered something entirely inaudible. Johnny continued walking around the room, acting all vague and what not.
"Would Mr. Stoker please recap this night's happenings?" he asked.
Mike stood up from the piano and bowed slightly to Johnny. "Of course, Count."
Mike then faced the suspects and tried his best to remember everything that had happened in the last hour. He flashed back, making everything turn black and white.
Well, I was sitting right here in this room when it happened…..
He was playing the piano for Miss McCall, smiling to her, trying to flirt as he did so.
I was playing Miss McCall's favorite tune…A Horse With No Name…..
Roy broke into the fantasy. "Wait, A Horse With No Name? On piano?"
Mike looked confused, then apologetic, and then he shrugged. Johnny sighed and looked at the ceiling. "Give me strength…" he muttered. He then nodded for Mike to continue.
"What then, Mr. Stoker?" he prompted. Mike flashed back again.
I was getting to the part where he lets the horse run free, when all of a sudden, I heard a crash….
A loud crash sounded in the kitchen and Mike halted in his playing. Dixie widened her eyes. "What was that?" she gasped dramatically. Mike stood up.
"I don't know. I shall check."
Dixie grabbed Mike's arm and looked up at him.
"Do be careful, Mike." she pleaded, putting the back of her hand on her forehead.
Mike looked down at her and narrowed his eyes.
"I will….baby." he said awkwardly. Dixie rolled her eyes and sat back. Mike started out of the room and stood in the foyer, staring up at the fancy Czechoslovakian chandelier.
I was starting down the hall, to the kitchen, when all of a sudden, the lights went out…
"Typical." Roy grumbled, breaking the fantasy again. This time, everybody chastised him. "Roy!" they all shouted at the same time. Roy shrunk under their gazes and waited for Mike to continue.
Well, I tried to find my way down the hall, in the dark, but I tripped over something. I fell flat on my face and then after that, the lights came on….
"Is that all?" Johnny asked, staring out the window into the night.
Mike nodded. "'Tis all, Count." he replied humbly. Johnny narrowed his eyes and turned around.
"After that, you went to the kitchen and found dear Dr. Early in a pool of blood, right next to the pantry?" he prompted. Mike blinked.
"Aye, Count, with the dreadful dagger in his chest!"
Johnny lit a cigarette and stood up straight. He pulled the cigarette from his mouth and blew smoke into the air.
"Thank you, Mr. Stoker," he acknowledged, "You may be seated."
Mike sat back down at the piano and Captain Stanley let out a sigh. "This is all quite inane." he mumbled. Johnny fixed the captain with a glare of triumph.
"'Twas not your dagger that 'twas found in the chest of dear old Dr. Early?" he challenged. Captain Stanley sweated.
"You are quite right Count, but 'twas not my hand that shed the dear doctor's blood."
Johnny perched one leg on the piano seat that Mike was sitting at.
"Do clarify me this: whereupon did you so abandon your dagger last? And tell me, dear butler, why do you carry a knife?" he questioned, replacing his cigarette and blowing more smoke. Roy grumbled again, "This is stupid."
Johnny ignored his paramedic counterpart and waited for the butler's response.
"I left my dagger in the kitchen drawer beside the oven, the third drawer down from the top. The drawer does slide open, but 'tis a hassle to stoop down to retrieve the weapon. I thought of keeping the brutal weapon in a more accessible place, but I never quite got around to it."
The captain-butler replied.
"And also you asked why I keep a dagger with me. Since I work on this estate of high esteem and I so suspect that a robbery could quite frankly take place and no one would have the means to stop it, that is why. I thought that a dagger would be the most efficient weapon for appropriately dispatching such a criminal."
Johnny snorted. "Maybe so, dear butler, but your dagger hath served a fouler purpose than that of which you speak. My dear friend has been murdered. And for what? Who else but you knew so well where your dagger was?"
Captain Stanley frowned.
"No one but me knows where I have hidden the dagger before this night."
Johnny nodded, pretty convinced. "Thank you, dear butler." he said with a nod. He then glanced around the room, trying to pick his next suspect to cross-examine.
"Ah," he said, "Dr. Mike Morton, would you please tell me your version of this dreadful murder?" Dr. Morton shrugged.
"Don't look at me, I was in the bathroom the whole time." he said bluntly. Johnny rolled his eyes and moaned while Chet snickered. Johnny whipped around and faced Chet.
"Mr. Kelly, would you please tell me your version of what happened?" he demanded cleverly. Chet stood up, not afraid to tell his version. Everything faded back to black and white as the fireman had a flashback.
Well, I was on latrine duty when I heard the sound of glass breaking in the kitchen…
"Wait," Roy interrupted again, "If you were on latrine duty, how was Dr. Morton in the bathroom at the same time?"
Dr. Brackett snorted rudely.
"There's more than one bathroom in this mansion." he explained. Dr. Morton nodded.
"I was in the one upstairs."
Johnny waved them off. "Continue, Mr. Kelly." he said in an irritated tone.
Like I said, I was on latrine duty downstairs, well actually because I got creamed at a game of cards by the Cap and latrine duty was the wager. Well, anyway, I heard a crash from the kitchen…
The black and white flashback resumed and Chet dropped his mop and ran through the fanciful corridors of the mansion to the kitchen.
I was almost to the kitchen, when the lights went out. I tried to find my way along the hall in the dark, but I tripped over something. Soon, the lights came back on and I looked to see what I had tripped on. Nothing was there, so I got up and ran to the kitchen. That's when I saw the Doc laying in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor...
Johnny gave a slight smile. "Thank you, Mr. Kelly. You may be seated."
The fireman sat down with a nod and continued grinning under his mustache. Johnny made the rounds around the room again, pausing very mysteriously and then gesturing to a suspect with his cigarette.
"Dr. Brackett," he said smoothly, "Would you please reminisce for us?"
Dr. Brackett looked a little hesitant, but nodded. He stood up and crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows in that funny way that only he can manage and gave his version.
I was upstairs at the time the murder took place….
"Upstairs looking at himself in the mirror, no doubt." Roy muttered, once again breaking into the fantasy. Dixie frowned at him and Dr. Brackett looked miffed. Sharon shrugged and gave Roy a confused look.
"Mr. DeSoto," Johnny warned, "If you keep on interrupting this investigation I shall have the constables come and arrest you for interfering with the solving of a murder."
Roy rolled his eyes. "We should have called the police thirty minutes ago."
Johnny huffed and trudged over to the bookshelf. He grabbed a roll of duct tape from inside of a book that had a secret compartment and padded back over to Roy. Roy frowned as Johnny neatly placed a long strip of duct tape across the senior paramedic's mouth and wrapped it around his head. He then duct-taped Roy's hands behind his chair and also duct-taped his feet. After Johnny finished with the task, he threw the roll of tape behind him.
"I am quite assured that we shall have no more interruptions."
Roy kept on frowning, but sat still. Everyone in the room looked rather confused, but Johnny gestured for Dr. Brackett to continue.
Like I said, I was upstairs and I heard a crash come from the kitchen. I ran down the stairs to see what had happened, when all of a sudden, the lights went out. I fell down the stairs and landed at the bottom step...
Dr. Brackett ran as fast as he could down the stairs, in black and white, and tripped. He tumbled this way and that and finally landed in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. He rubbed his head and cursed something inaudible. The lights came back on and the young doctor gathered himself up and ran to the kitchen. He gasped at what he saw.
"Joe!" he cried.
And well, that's how it happened...
Johnny looked suspicious. He cocked one eyebrow and narrowed his eyes.
"Thank you, dear doctor." he said quietly. Dr. Brackett sat down and cast a glance over at Dixie. The nurse gave him a disapproving look and turned her head back to Mike.
Johnny carefully stalked across the Persian rug on the elegant wood floor and rested his hand on a bust of George Washington. He jerked his hand up suddenly and knocked the one-hundred-and-fifty-year-old bust to the ground. It shattered and everyone winced. Roy rolled his eyes again as Johnny tried to scoop up the remains. He gave a nervous laugh and grinned and then placed it back on the fanciful wood-carved mahogany table. The bust was in pieces and Johnny made a pitiful attempt to put it back together. It held for a second and then fell apart again. He was then aware that everyone was staring at him, so he stood in front of the table, to hide the broken bust.
"Well, um, anyway…" he trailed off, rather nervously.
"Aren't you going to ask me about my version of the story?" Sharon Walters queried her dark brown eyes as big as puppy eyes. Johnny despised the stupid nurse, but he nodded anyway.
"Yes, Miss Walters, please tell me what happened." he said mildly.
Sharon didn't stand up, but looked around at everyone, her eyes as round as saucers.
"Dr. Early was murdered!" she said in an astonished voice, as if it was new news to the group. Roy rolled his eyes again and Dixie looked annoyed.
Johnny tried not to blink at her in awe at such air-headedness. He regained himself and walked over to her, until he was standing over her. The nurse looked up at him with such an expression; Johnny knew exactly what she was thinking. She admired him with a passion and it showed right through her transparent face. Johnny turned pale and turned back around, making his way back to the window. He really couldn't stand her and the last thing he wanted, was to have a stupid nurse trailing behind him like a puppy.
"Yes, Miss Walters, he was in fact, murdered. We are trying to find the culprit. I want you to tell me your version of what happened."
The daft but well-meaning nurse widened her eyes with understanding.
"Oh!" she cried, "Of course!"
Well, I was upstairs when I heard a loud crash. I ran down the stairs and then the lights went out. I got to the bottom of the steps when I tripped over something. When the lights came on, I saw that I had really actually tripped on Dr. Brackett...
Sharon Walters giggled and cast a mischievous glance at the young doctor and then covered her smiling mouth.
"Oh, Gosh." Dixie muttered sarcastically. Even she wasn't that fond of the young nurse, but she put up with her, every loving shift.
"Thank you Miss Walters." Johnny dismissed her. Sharon nodded and continued smiling. Johnny walked across the room and then turned around, gesturing towards Marco Lopez.
"Chef, would you like to recap what happened?" the paramedic questioned cleverly. Marco looked back and forth and shrugged.
"S'not much to tell." he said, honestly.
"Even if there's not, please do explain your version of what happened." Johnny prompted again. Marco inhaled deeply and began.
I was making a pot of my famous chili in the kitchen, when I remembered that I had forgotten the chili powder. I started down to the basement to get the powder, leaving the burner on the oven on. I was about to head down, when I heard a loud crash from the kitchen. I ran to investigate and found Dr. Early on the floor, with a knife in his chest. I noticed the burner had been turned off, but for why, I don't know. That's pretty much all I can tell you….
Johnny pursed his lips. "Thank you, Chef. You may sit down."
Marco took a seat in the fancy room and sighed, worrying his chef's hat in his hands.
"Miss McCall?" Johnny asked, blowing some more smoke.
Dixie raised her chin. "I was in here the entire time. I heard a crash and that's it."
"You didn't get up to investigate?" Johnny pressed, curiously.
"Mike did. He's always one to stick his neck out for others." Dixie said, pulling her fur shawl over her shoulder and lowering her eyelids at Mike. Mike waved shyly to her and blushed.
Johnny frowned. "Mr. DeSoto, would you please like to tell us what happened?"
Roy said something, but the duct-tape muffled it. Johnny cocked an eyebrow.
Roy mumbled something again and then started saying something that sounded panicky.
Johnny looked alarmed and ripped off the duct tape.
Roy screamed and gasped. "What is it?" Johnny asked.
"Oh, for the love of God, don't rip off the duct tape!" he shouted.
Johnny stood up straight. "Oh, sorry pally." he apologized.
"S'okay, junior." Roy grumbled. He then gave his version of what happened.
I was outside, messing with the fuse box, because the light in the garage had gone out. I just finished putting in a new fuse, when I heard some scuffling around the corner of the house. I got up to investigate and then when I didn't find anything, I went back to the fuse box. I saw that some fuses had been torn out and some wires had been cut. I tried to fix the fuses and wires and a few minutes later, I heard someone scream, 'Murder!' and I ran into the house to investigate. I saw everyone gathering at the kitchen, so I broke through the crowd and saw Dr. Early lying on the kitchen floor with a knife in his chest….
"Now, Mr. DeSoto, where exactly is the fuse box located?" Johnny pondered. Roy frowned in thought for a brief moment.
"It's on the Southwest corner of the house, exactly one foot off the ground. It's sure a stupid place a have a fuse box, but, whatever." Roy explained.
Johnny nodded, and then paced around the room in silence.
"Aren't you going to give your version of what happened?" Mike questioned.
Johnny looked surprised. He then laughed, "Oh, yeah. That's right. Thanks, Stoker." Johnny said, suddenly losing his fake English accent.
Everything reverted back to black and white as Johnny remembered that night's happenings.
I was in the basement, checking the inventory of Cheerios….
"Cheerios?" Roy echoed, "What next? Santa Claus joining the mafia?" Johnny ignored Roy and continued. He was standing in the basement, in his class "A" paramedic uniform, marking off random stuff on his clipboard and checking the serial numbers on the boxes of Cheerios.
Whale, I was midway through completing the inventory, when all of a sudden, the lights went out! I heard a crash upstairs and went to investigate. When I got upstairs, the lights came back on and I saw ever'un gathered in the kitchen, starin' at Dr. Early's bloodied body. Then, I went upstairs to go slip into my tuxedo, 'cause I had a sneakin' suspicion that someone was up to no good…
Dixie got up and broke in. "What a minute, you're telling me that none of you bothered checking for a pulse, much rather calling an ambulance? What's wrong with you people?" she demanded. Johnny shrugged.
"A tuxedo seemed more important at the time." he murmured.
Roy scoffed. "How did you become a paramedic….again?" he asked his partner. Johnny looked thoughtful for a moment.
"I dunno. I'm still trying to figure that out." he replied simply. Captain Stanley put his hands up for silence. "Johnny's a smart kid; he just has a few loose seeds in his gourd, that's all."
Johnny pointed to the captain with his cigarette. "That's what I been tryin' to tell ya." he said pointedly. Roy wanted to roll his eyes, but his eyes were getting tired from all the rolling he'd been doing within the last fifteen minutes.
"This still doesn't tell me who the murderer is!" Dr. Brackett said in a raised voice. Johnny stood up straight.
"I'm getting to that part. Just hold your horses." he explained. He walked to the kitchen, the group following him. Dr. Early's body still lay in a pool of blood. Johnny carefully stepped over the body and opened the kitchen drawer where the dagger used to be.
"Notice how low to the ground this drawer is?" he pointed out. Everyone nodded.
"Then, Roy pointed out that the fuse box is also very low to the ground." Johnny added. "Also, some of you tripped over something that was low to the ground. What was it? Or whom was it?" the paramedic pressed. Chet raised his hand and Johnny called on him.
"A guy on his hands and knees?" the fireman joked. Johnny gave him a mild look.
"Not exactly." he said flatly. Everyone followed Johnny back to the fancy room and gasped when he pointed at the culprit.
"Henry?" the all cried in shock. Henry the Basset hound looked up from his place on the leather couch. Chet gave Johnny an outraged look.
"You're raving mad!" he shouted, "Henry isn't capable of such a deed! He hasn't once moved from his place on the couch. Not in the years I've known him."
Johnny put his fingers together, just above the tip of his nose, sort of like Sherlock Holmes.
"Ah, but he did move." everything flashed back into black and white as Johnny recreated the murder scene.
Henry slipped off the leather couch, unnoticed by Dixie and Mike, who were busy appreciating piano music. Henry ran outside through the dog door and made a ruckus to distract Roy from fixing the fuses. Henry disconnected several wires and pulled some fuses. He then ran back into the house and into the kitchen. Through the dark, he tripped Chet and Mike. After that, he pulled open the drawer in which the dagger was hid and tripped up Dr. Early. With the knife clasped in his jaws, Henry stabbed dear old Dr. Early. After that, the lights came on and Henry slipped back into this room, still unnoticed….
Captain Stanley looked horrified. "But that doesn't explain the loud crash, or what Dr. Early was even doing in the kitchen, or why Henry killed him!"
Johnny had an excuse for everything.
"Dr. Early loved chili and waited for Marco to leave to get the chili powder. He turned off the burner and lifted the lid to the chili pot. He burned himself while tasting the chili and dropped the lid to the pot. After that, the lights went out and Henry murdered him. Why did Henry murder that old doctor, you might ask?" Johnny explained.
"It's quite simple. Dr. Early never really liked dogs and always forgot to feed Henry. So, Henry took it upon himself to end the man's existence, once and for all."
Henry looked pretty guilty and nodded his head up and down. Johnny grinned and took a bow, while everybody clapped. Reed and Malloy came in and handcuffed the dog. Dr. Early sat up and took the fake dagger off of his chest.
"Laying on the floor for an hour can give you such a crick in the neck." he joked. Dr. Early stood up and brushed himself off.
"You did it again, Johnny. Solving another murder mystery." he laughed.
Dixie shook her head. "That had to be the craziest one yet. Last time, it was Dr. Morton, but this time…Henry?" she said incredulously.
"We should get together and do this more often." Chet said, nodding his head.
"I thought I had it nailed this time," Dr. Early said, "It was the perfect crime and you still solved it." Johnny shrugged sheepishly.
"Well, it's how you play the game." he murmured. Roy hopped into the hallway, still duct-taped to the chair.
"Can you get the tape off of me now?" he asked.