title: i am more an antique roman
summary: there is nothing left for her. she is a murderer and alone in the world. she cannot go on like this. / the night reyna killed her own father.
No.
Nononononononononononono.
What had she just—what had she just done?
Reyna stared at the empty air where her father should have been—where he had been just a second ago before—
What had she just done? She had killed him. She had meant to kill him and she had. Unforgivable. She had killed her own father. Monster. How could she? Sure, he had never been so good to her sister and her, but...her father...! Monster.
Distantly she heard a high, heaving sort of cry. Where was it coming from? She realized that she was making it. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe.
Her thoughts momentarily returned to Hylla, who lay still. Reyna's vision was blurry with tears but she hadn't moved. She was still scarily still. Reyna was alone—now she was all alone.
A dark, terrifying satisfaction rushed through her, as terrible as the shaking in her body was intense—he got what he deserved he killed Hylla he killed Hylla he killed Hylla—violently shivering, she let the knife fall from her fingers and bounce on the carpet.
No! No one ever would deserve that. To kill one's own father—no matter how he treated her, he had given her life and this was how she repaid him, by taking his?
And what had been the point of it? What was going to happen to her now without any family left? Nothing, nothing, there was nothing and she was all alone—
Monster evil depraved unforgivable disgusting horrible awful terrible murderer murderer murderer murderer–—father-killer. Father-killer. Father-killer.
And Hylla...tears had been running down her face for a long time now but as her thoughts returned to her sister—oh, Hylla—please come back PLEASE—her dead sister—her dead sister—she burst into sobs and she realized her throat hurt. She didn't remember screaming but she must had screamed, sometime, maybe when she had—had—
Her throat hurt! How could she think of that when her family was dead, when this was all her fault? Selfish, evil, murderer, father-killer—
Hylla was gone. The best person in her entire world was gone. Father was gone. Even Father—who she had said she had hated, told Hylla she couldn't wait to get away from—he was gone too. And she was a killer. And she was a monster. And she was unforgivable. And she was alone.
How could she even call herself a person? How could she even walk on the Earth when everyone else was gone? When Hylla was gone, the only person who had ever cared, ever loved her?
My fault my fault my fault my fault
Why...
Why should she walk the earth?
What was the point? What was the point?
She was a monster. And beyond that, she...she could not.
She was not strong enough. She could not go on after this. There was nothing but misery everywhere. She could not go on like this. She could not go on like this. She could not go on like this.
Alone...
Alone with her terrible deed...no. She could not go on like this.
So, where...
She glanced down at the carpet. The knife's gold glittered from the floor.
Ah. There it was. She dropped to her knees and grabbed the hilt of the weapon. The gems embedded in it pressed hard into her hand, and her hands were shaking still.
Reyna pointed the blade towards her chest, and it gleamed in a way that she knew it was not a mortal blade—comforting, in that it would sink deep into her, just like she deserved...it trembled and she bit her lip.
Why are you being a coward, Reyna? This is what you deserve. Why go on anyway? What's left? Go where all the murderers go. At least you'll see Father again.
I love you, Hylla...
I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
Reyna took a deep breath and tightened her grip on the knife. Her hands were sweating. She swallowed hard, fixed her eyes on a gun above the mantle, held the knife up to her throat. One straight slit, Reyna, do it, do it now, do it now, let his be the end let it be the end, let this end with you, there is no way to go on, don't lose your nerve you deserve this Reyna you did this to yourself you did this to your father do it Reyna, don't shake, just do it, do it Reyna, there is no way to go on—
And then suddenly there was screaming and movement in the corner of her eye and she was so surprised the knife dropped from her hands as Hylla reached her, throwing herself to the ground beside Reyna, grabbing for her hands, holding them so tightly it hurt, shrieking questions and yelling for her to stop, stop, what the hell was she doing—Hylla was alive—Hylla was alive—