Aizen's Host Club

by Rin Yamazaki

Just some stupid oneshot. What would happen if Aizen started a host club? And what if he hired Shinigami? And what if the Shinigami Women's Association and Orihime decided to drop by? Rated T for Nanao's dirty mouth.

Aizen's Host Club

I don't own Bleach. Tite Kubo does. (God, I hate disclaimers)

Okay. All this is just some retarded little oneshot about what would happen if Aizen owned a Host Club. This is NOT a crossover.

"And here is the next part of our tour." Ulquiorra said, leading Orihime down the winding corridors of Las Noches. He showed her a door with music blaring from behind it.

"What the hell is in there?"
"Our Host Club."
"The Espada have a Host Club?"
"Yep. It's pretty popular too."
"Really?"
"Yeah, Aizen makes us all work Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but we get to pick our hours for the rest of the week. We're running into a bit of trouble with the Shinigami because Aizen thought it might be a good idea if we hired Ichigo Kurosaki and Byakuya Kuchiki."
"They are popular, aren't they?"
"So, we're thinking of doing a joint ownership. Aizen would still be manager, but some of us wouldn't have to work as often. Aizen says that Gin, myself, himself, Halibel who's the hostess, and Grimmjow would be the only people who still had to work weekends. The rest of us could stop working there."
"You still have to work there?"
"Yeah. It's all a matter of how much we get requested and Aizen has to stay there since he owns the place." Orihime nodded.
"I think I'd like to visit some time. Maybe I'll bring the Society of Female Soul Reapers with me." Ulquiorra gulped and said,
"That'd be… nice. Let's continue our tour." And he led the girl off.

TWO YEARS LATER

When Orihime walked through the door of Aizen's Host Club, the atmosphere outside seemed dull. There might have been a bank robbery and a Hollow attack outside the club, but the atmosphere inside felt even more thrilling. Even though it was a slow day, Orihime knew that in about twenty minutes, when the Shinigami Women's Association came in, it would regain all of the fun she'd had there many times before. Ulquiorra was wiping the bar and waved when he saw her. Byakuya was pouring drinks at one of the tables in the back. Nnoitra, the DJ, was mixing songs and creating a playlist for when they came in. Shunsui was trying to get a girl at the bar to leave. She walked over to the table where the hostesses sat and sat down next to Halibel and Nel. The two girls were wearing black t-shirts and dark wash jean shorts. They both smiled when they saw the girl sit down.
"Orihime-chan!" Nel said, her green hair bouncing in its ponytail. Halibel smiled past her long bangs and small pigtails.
"Will they be here soon?"
"Yes. Clear the place and make sure everybody's ready." The girls nodded and Nel picked up her cell phone. She coughed twice, opened up her email, pulled up the fake email and went into her pre-rehearsed speech.
"YES!" Like always, half of the people there looked up.
"What? *hic*" One girl asked through the drink Ichigo was pouring her.
"THERE'S A SALE AT THE MALL! EVERYTHING IS HALF OFF!" Nel screamed. The women who were still sober enough to understand what she was saying stood up and ran out the door. There were a few stragglers who knew the speech was fake and stayed put. They were handed their checks and shoved out the door. Once everybody was gone, Uryû put out a sign that said: "Welcome! Shinigami Women's Association!" And about five minutes later, a flood of women came through the door, all crowding around Nel and Halibel. The two girls lined them all up and said,
"OKAY, OKAY! CALM DOWN!" Nel pointed up to a sign with pictures of all the men that worked there on it.
"Okay, you are now going to pick your waiter!" Halibel called. She looked down at Orihime, who was first in line.
"I'll take the usual." She said with a smile. Nel smiled and said,
"ULQUIORRA! YOUR REGULAR IS HERE!" The man came rushing out of the back room, and over to the orange haired girl standing there waiting for him. He walked over and said,
"I'm Ulquiorra, I'll be your waiter." He kissed her hand and led her to a table.
"NEXT!" Halibel yelled. Rukia pushed her way to the front and looked at the pictures.
"ICHIGO?"
"You want Mr. Kurosaki? Figures. He gets requested a lot."
"Wait I-"
"KUROSAKI!" The orange haired boy walked over and took Rukia to a table, fear apparent in his eyes.
"NEXT!" Yoruichi pushed past everybody with Soi Fon right behind her saying,
"Ms. Yoruichi, you can't pick him, he'd be a terrible waiter!"
"I don't care." She turned to Nel. "I'll take Urahara Kisuke." She turned back to Soi Fon.
"Who do you want?" Soi Fon took a good look at the pictures.
"Aizen. I'd like to see the manager get off his lazy ass and work a little bit." She said with a laugh.
"Good choice! AIZEN-SAMA! URAHARA!" The two came out and Urahara immediately came out and took Yoruichi away. "What?" Aizen asked, an annoyed tone in his voice.
"You've been requested." Nel said, pointing to Soi Fon, who had a smug little grin plastered on her face. Aizen forced a smile on his face and said,
"Of course. Come right this way Miss." He showed her to the table right next to where Urahara was showing Yoruichi the daily specials.
"You know the drill, come on, come on!" Nel screamed as Nemu and Nanao came up.
"I'll have Uryû." Nemu said quietly. Nanao's eyes widened as her eyes got stuck on one picture.
"My lazy ass captain has a JOB? This I gotta see. Captain- I mean, Shunsui please." The two men showed up and took each girl to a separate table. Halibel waved and Captain Unohana came to front, followed by Isane and Kiyone.
"Hmm... Captain Ukitake works here? I'll have Ukitake-san please." Nel nodded and he showed up.
"What about you two?"
"Umm, I'll have Kira."
"Okay. What about you sweetie?" She asked Isane as Kira came and took Kiyone to a table.
"I don't know. What do you think?" She asked Nel. The green haired girl looked up and said,
"How about Chad? He's very tall, sweet and is cuddly as a kitten past his buff exterior." Isane nodded.
"I'm Sado. Chad works too." He said as they walked across the bar. Halibel waved and said,
"Nobody else?" Yachiru came up next to Rangiku with Momo bringing up to rear. Yachiru and Momo had grown over the past few years and now looked about seventeen.
"I want Byakuya!" Yachiru said in a bubbly tone. Nel nodded and Yachiru went away, leaving Rangiku and Momo standing there. Nel looked at Rangiku and said,
"I'm assuming you want the usual?"
"You know it." Gin came out from behind the bar and handed Rangiku a drink before she even sat down, knowing exactly what she wanted. Momo stood there and said,
"Can I have Shirô- I mean Tôshirô?" Nel smiled and called the white haired boy over to the front.

Okay! And now we split up to cover separate people!

§Rukia§
Ichigo led Rukia over to a table and sat her down. She looked at her menu and asked,
"What's the Strawberry Overload?"
"The only thing they'll let me make!" He said laughing.
"Seriously."
"S-sorry. The Strawberry -or Ichigo- Overload is regular gin with strawberry rum and four strawberries' for a more realistic flavor."
"It really is a strawberry overload."
"Would you care to try one?"
"I think I might." She said. Ichigo smiled and walked to the kitchen, almost knocking over Szayel, who had a tray of empty glasses, he was carrying to the bar.
"Watch where you're going, Berry-Boy!"

«Orihime»
Ulquiorra was talking with Orihime for at least twenty minutes before she even looked at her menu. When she actually looked down, she said,
"I'll have the Ice Hime." The man smiled and said,
"That's different. You usually order a glass of red wine."
"I wanted to try something different."
"Well, good choice. It's my original drink. I named it after my own princess." He said, poking her on the nose, causing the girl to giggle like she was five. Ulquiorra picked up a tray, went back into the kitchen and sighed. He loved talking to her again. He didn't really want to kidnap her, but what Aizen-sama wanted, Aizen-sama got. He sighed again, grabbed the drinks and started to mix them. After a few minutes, he exited the kitchen with her drink on a small tray. She was patiently waiting outside and talking to Grimmjow.
"Umm, if you don't mind Jeagerjaques?" Grimmjow backed up and said,
"I was just talking to the girl."
"Yes, well she isn't your customer, is she?"
"I figured this would happen eventually." Orihime thought as the two Espada gave each other death looks.
"Calm down you two! Ulquiorra, where's my drink, baby?"
"Right here." He set down the light blue liquid and smiled.
"Grimmjow, please go away." Orihime said slowly, hoping he'd get the gist and leave them alone. Grimmjow grumbled, but eventually stormed away, muttering something about Stockholm syndrome. (Stockholm syndrome is a condition in which the kidnapped falls in love with the kidnapper) Ulquiorra sat down across from the girl and sighed.
"What's a matter, baby?"
"Nothing. Grimmjow really pisses me off, that's all."
"I'm sorry, baby." The girl said, rubbing his thick black hair.

¥Momo¥
"Nothing but water please, Shirô-chan."
"I wish you'd stop calling me that."
"Well here I can call you whatever the hell I want to, can't I?" The girl said with a grin. The boy sighed as he filled her glass with a pitcher of water he picked up from Yammy's tray of various waters and fountain beverages.
"You still can't drink?"
"I can, but I'm saving what I look like when I'm drunk for another day." She said, her eyes trailing the bar. She looked around, but no other men -or anybody for that matter- had entered since the SWA got there.
"Is something wrong Momo-chan?"
"Where is everybody?"
"We cleared the place out. Orihime rented out the whole bar, so we couldn't have any other people being here and taking our attention away from you guys." Hitsugya explained.
"Oh. Of course. Umm, Shirô-kun?"
"Kun? Well, that's progress. What do you need?"
"I'd like some iced tea. Can you get me some?"
"Of course." The boy went into the kitchen and found Szayelaporro. He poked him and said,
"Do you know how to mix hard alcohol into a beverage without it tasting any different?" He laughed.
"Of course I do! What drink are we talking about and which girl?" He said with a devious smiled plastered on his face.
"The girl at table seventeen and iced tea."
"Sweetened?"
"I'd think so."
"That makes it easier." He picked up some gin, poured it in, put in a lot of lemon, dripped some orange liquid in, and handed the glass to him.
"I'll be HORRIFIED if she's able to tell the difference." He said, forcing the boy outside. He walked over to Momo and said,
"Here's your tea, please enjoy." She picked up the drink and downed the whole thing in about five minutes. She looked up from the glass, her nose and cheeks slightly red and her eyes glassy, and said,
"What *hic* was in the tea?"
"I dunno. Ask Szayel." He shrugged and she grabbed his shirt, pulling him in for a kiss.
"Mmm?" *Translation: What the fuck just happened?* She pulled him away and dragged him out of the bar, him screaming something about how Yammy had to clock him out.

•Soi Fon•
As Soi Fon watched Momo drag Captain Hitsugya out of the restaurant, she asked Aizen,
"Watch just happened?"
"Isn't it obvious? She dragged him out of the restaurant with obviously dirty intentions." Soi Fon blushed.
"What do you mean? Does that happen often?"
"No, not with Hitsugya. Gin gets laid every time Matsumoto comes walking through that door though." He pointed over his shoulder and she saw an absolutely WASTED Rangiku dancing on a table. Soi Fon laughed and Aizen topped off her Milkshake Stout, an Aizen specialty.
"That's nice."
"For him anyway. Are you drunk yet?"
"No, I can hold my alcohol pretty well."
"You're not like most girls, then. After two or three of those, most girls would be parading around with their shirts on the tables." Soi Fon frowned as Aizen laughed.
"I remember this one time, a girl came in here last weekend and got so totally wasted, she fell off her chair. And her chair wasn't moving either!" He laughed again and Soi Fon tapped him on the shoulder. He looked down and saw just how drunk she looked. Her face was red and disorientation was apparent in her eyes.
"Are you okay?"
"I think I had one too many."
"I wonder." Aizen said sarcasm apparent in his voice. She put her head on his shoulder and said,
"Why does my head feel so funny?"
"You mean you've never been drunk before?"
"I guess not."

*Yoruichi*
At the table next to Soi Fon, Yoruichi had downed her fifth plate of buffalo wings and her seventh glass of wine, and it didn't seem to faze her one bit.
"Would you like some more wine, Yoruichi-chan?"
"You know it!" She said with a smile. Urahara smiled and refilled her glass. She put the cup to her lips and the pinkish liquid was gone in two large gulps. She set down the glass.
"More please."
"We are all out of that wine. You drank all of it already."
"Aw, did I?" The man nodded past his hat.
"I can bring you something similar, but that one has at least three times the alcohol content."
"That'll do me." She said.
"Then let me get that one out of the back." He said, walking away, a huge smile being cloaked.

—Rangiku—
After about thirty shots and six bottles of wine, Matsumoto Rangiku was drunk as hell. Gin kept her glass full and her shots coming as he watched and waited for her to be drunk enough to drag him out of the Club at one mention of a boyfriend.
"So, *hic* Gin, why did you *hic* start working here?" She asked callously.
"Why does that matter, Ran-chan?"
"I *hic* don't know." She said past a glass of wine.
"Th'n why ask?" The girl shrugged.
"I *hic* think I know why."
"Why?" He said, waving Nnoitra to turn down the stereos just a pinch.
"Because *hic* every *hic* time I come in here, you get *hic* laid." A smiled came across the man's face.
"Why ever would ya think that?"
"Because that's what *hic* happens."
"Well, that's not th' reason."
"Then why? *hic*"
"Because Aizen made us."
"All of *hic* you?"
"Ev'ry Espada. But, since we started hirin' people from the Seireitei most 'f us stopped workin' here."
"Oh." Rangiku looked up at Gin and smiled.
"What is it?"
"Nothing." She said, gazing around. She looked at Gin and said, "I'm too *hic* drunk to leave. Take me *hic* home?" Gin gave her a devious smile and said,
"'Corse." And with that, he led her out of the bar, clocking himself out for the night.

Isane
Isane spent most of her time talking and almost no time drinking. Even though it was just water, she didn't touch it at all. Her conversation with Chad was so extremely interesting; she didn't have time to pick up her drink. The whole conversation was so personal, each person could've written a book about the other. (That's about it. I don't really know who Isane is…)

#Nanao#
The whole time Nanao was there, Shunsui couldn't even stop to take a breath. The second he brought something to the table, she ordered something else. The whole thing was fun for the Assistant Captain, however. She was having a splendid time ordering around the man that was used to giving her orders.
"Are you done?"
"For now I guess." The captain sank down in the chair across from her and said,
"I've never had to work this much, Nanao-chan. I now know what it's like to be you."
"Exactly. Do you get it now?" The girl said, pride in her words.
"I do. Your life sucks. I should give you more time off."
"You should."
"Are you going to drink any of that?" He said; pointing to the four glasses of wine the girl had made him bring her.
"Maybe one or two." She said, picking up a glass and drinking it in three small swallows. She grabbed another one and did the same thing. With two still on the table, she said,
"Four more glasses. These'll be gone by th' time you get back." She said, looking only slightly hazy. But, by the time he got back with four more drinks, he saw that the girl was completely wasted.
"Are you okay, Nanao-chan?"
"What do you think, jackass?"
"Excuse me?"
"Shut up you annoying little fuck."
"Huh? What's wrong with you?"
"Listen fucker, I came here for drinks and if I don't get them, I'm going to be fucking PISSED." The man gulped and set the glasses down. The girl drank them all in a few minutes.
"More."
"Is that anyway to ask for something?"
"Get me more fucking wine or I'll kill you." The man gulped again and ran back into the kitchen for more wine. When he came out Nanao sat there, drumming her fingers on the table.
"About fucking time!" She said, annoyed. Shunsui set down four bottles and said,
"I just brought the bottles so I don't have to just keep going into the kitchen."
"So what, you're being a lazy dumbass?"
"I guess so." He said with a sigh. The girl shrugged and put an entire bottle to her lips and downed it.
"You sure can hold your liquor, can't you?"
"I guess." She said, putting another of the four bottles to her lips and gulping down the dark red liquid. After all four of the bottles were gone, she stood up and said,
"Take me home, dumbass."
"Why?"
"Because I fucking told you to take me home."
"All right, all right, don't get your panties in a bunch."
"Shut the fuck up, jackass." She said, grabbing her purse and stopping to throw up in one of the bottles.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, shit-head, just take me home!" The man pulled the girl over her shoulder and carried her out of the Club.

+Nemu+
Nemu didn't even bother to drink anything. She injected herself with a small needle and told Uryû that it gave her the intoxication of drinking three bottles of pure Scotch.
"Why wouldn't you just drink three bottles of pure Scotch?"
"I don't like it."
"Of course you don't." Uryû said to himself.
"Did you know that my father has never once seen me drunk and I don't let him do experiments on me that involve alcohol?" Uryû looked horrified at the fact that the quiet assistant captain of the 12th Company said a whole -and quite long- sentence.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm not sure. I've never been drunk before so maybe this is how I react to alcohol. It makes my head feel funny!" She said with a huge smile pasted across her normally still face.
"Maybe you should take it easy and drink some w-"
"Wine? Yeah, wine's a great idea! Bring me two bottles of the strongest wine you have!"
"I was going to say water, but okay." He turned around and brushed past Urahara.
"Do we have any black left?"
"I have one."
"How many are in still in the cellar?"
"About thirty."
"Great." He said, walking into the kitchen. He went into the wine cellar and pulled out two bottles of Black Insanity, the Club's strongest wine. He uncorked one, and his head felt heavy from just breathing it in. He poured some in a glass and brought the two bottles out to Nemu, who was sitting there smiling her head off. She took the glass and said,
"Is this it?"
"Yup. This is our strongest wine, Black Insanity."
"Insanity? I sure hope this doesn't make me like my bat-shit insane father." She said coyly, and stabbing Uryû in the ribs with her elbow.
"Just drink it. I'll be back in a minute. The bottle is there if you need a refill." He said, walking over to where Urahara was sitting at the bar.
"Who'd you give yours to?"
"Yoruichi. She said she could handle anything, so I gave her that one."
"How's it working."
"She's at table 24 if you want to see." Uryû turned his head to the left and saw Yoruichi dancing on a table with her shirt flinging around on her hand.
"I'll be right back." Urahara said, walking over to Yoruichi and pulling her off the table.
"Clock me out, will ya? I'm gonna take her home." Uryû nodded and did as asked. He went back over to Nemu, who was too busy barfing in her wine glass to notice his presence.
"How's the wine?"
"Beyond *barf* great!"
"Are you alright? Do you want a bucket or something?"
"I'm fine." She said, wiping some puke off her chin with a napkin and hurling some more in one of Yoruichi's used glasses. "And you're sure your okay?"
"Uh-huh. I just need you to take me home." He nodded and carried her piggy-back all the way home.

=Unohana=
Captain Unohana was completely not drunk. She hadn't had a drink all night, but she was still dancing like she was drunk with Ukitake to Give Me Everything by Pitbull. (Awesome song!) Nnoitra was trying to find a good song for her beat, and eventually gave up and left it on that one.
"So, Ukitake-san, you haven't been sick lately, that's good." "Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better after that insane medicine your company gave me."
"Was it that bad?"
"Not really. Granted I did think I was going to die from the taste, texture and side effects, but I haven't been sick since I got off of it."
"Well that's good." The woman smiled and kissed the man in front of her.
"Wh-?"
"Just. Be. Quiet." The words completely shut the man up.

&Kiyone&
Kira and Kiyone talked all night until Isane came over and dragged her sister out of the place. (That's all. Not familiar with Kiyone…)

%Yachiru%
Yachiru had a fabulous time. Byakuya was the best waiter there. He poured drinks in the strangest, most fun ways. Everything about it was a fun time. Yachiru kept him talking, and Byakuya kept her drink full. She danced with him, and even got some Black Insanity down his throat, which made him the drunkest waiter ever. Yachiru and Byakuya were singing the Irish Drinking Song at the top of their lungs, bottle of Black Insanity in hand. Yammy came over to them and said,

"We're getting noise complaints, could you two please stop?" Yachiru stopped singing and kicked Yammy in the balls. She stood up, grabbed the bottle, and left, swearing under her breath, Byakuya trailing behind her.

«Orihime»
Orihime watched as each woman left, either dragging her waiter behind them, or being carried out by that waiter. She smiled and took another sip of her Ice Hime.

"What's up, Hime-chan? You've got that look in your eyes."
"It's nothing. I'm just tired. I think I'll go home too." She said, pouring the rest of her drink in her mouth and standing up.
"Do you need a ride? My shift's over, so I'd be happy to drive you home." He said, hanging up his apron and pulling on a pair of sandals to replace the $100 dress shoes.
"Really? Thanks, Ulquiorra-kun." She said, grabbing his hand and walking him out.

Alright! Told you it'd be a retarded oneshot. But, I am starting some new UlquiHime Fan Fic. Do you want to hear the plot? Well, to bad if you don't, here it is. I haven't decided on a title, so some suggestions would be nice too!

When a beautiful princess is born, her father, Lord Aizen names her Ori, or weaving. (Ori-Hime! Get it? Well, shut up if you don't.) She is terrible at weaving and excels at archery, so her father lets her go out into the woods on her own; because he has no doubt that his daughter knows how to protect herself. In the woods, she meets a boy who doesn't tell her his name, but says she should call herself Orihime, instead of Ori. (Orihime means weaving princess, if you didn't know.) The two meet every day until her father says that she can't go anymore. He says that her fiancée, chosen for her at birth, is coming. That day, she runs into the woods and tells the boy the news. She kisses him and tells him that she won't love anybody but him. UlquiHime, AiSoi, StarkxHalibel. Rated- ?