"River, you know my name. You whispered my name in my ear. There's only one reason I would ever tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could." - The Doctor, Forest of the Dead

It was a perfect day. The three suns of Allegrand Major lit up the sky with startling brilliance. Off in the distance, the warm green seas crashed against the sand. There was the smell of freshly-blossoming phoo trees in the air.

Oh, yes. And he was getting married.

His bride was already at the other end of the aisle, looking beautiful and serene in a long white dress, her hair tumbling about her shoulders. The Doctor gulped nervously and hoped that Jack (the ring-bearer) hadn't lost the rings, or fed them to Torchwood's pterodactyl.

But thankfully, Jack had the rings with him and the ceremony went smoothly, until the Vicar – a tall, thin, green-haired Allegrandian with a monobrow – reached the end of the proceedings.

'Ahem,' he began. 'Do you, River Song, promise to love...' Then he paused and looked at the Doctor. 'What is your name?'

The Doctor felt a trickle of sweat slide down his temple. 'I already said. The Doctor.'

'I'm afraid, Sir, that if you want to get married you'll have to give your real name.'

'Do I have to?' asked the Doctor desperately.

The vicar nodded. The Doctor looked at River. She was looking puzzled, probably about why he was so hesitant to give his name. He wanted to get married to River, but on the other hand he didn't want to reveal his biggest secret, especially in front of Jack (the only guest), who'd probably tell everyone he knew as soon as he got back to Earth.

Aha! There was a way to get out of it, thought the Doctor. He could make something up.

'It's Theta Sigma,' he said to the vicar, what he hoped was convincingly.

The vicar raised his eyebrow. 'Really? Sir, if you refuse to tell me your real name, then the ceremony cannot go on and you can't get married.'

The Doctor glanced at River, expecting a look of sympathy, but instead he received an eye-roll and a mouthed, 'Get on with it.'

The Doctor sighed and then stepped forward and whispered in the vicar's ear.

'Thank-you, Sir,' he sighed. 'Now we can get on with it. Do you, River Song, promise to love this man...' Then he said the name.

Jack laughed so loud you could hear him approximately eight galaxies away.

River looked weirded-out. 'Are you serious?' she said, shocked.

The Doctor nodded.

'Wow.'

'I know.'

'Is there any reason why you're called that?'

'Uh, my mother was a fan of the show.'

'A big fan, obviously.' River winked. 'Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.'

'Can we get on with it?' sighed the vicar. 'Oh, Sir, can you turn all communicative devices off, please?'

The Doctor looked behind him. Jack was on his mobile and busy dialling.

'Hey, Martha,' he said excitedly, after a moment. 'Guess what? I found out the Doctor's real name and it turns out – '

In one second, River had marched across to him and a second later, he was lying unconscious on the ground.

The Doctor looked at her. 'Good right hook,' he remarked. 'He might have a bit of a headache for awhile, though.'

River grinned. 'If it keeps your secret safe, then I'll do anything,' she grinned and said his name again.

'Oi!' the Doctor yelped. 'Secret, remember? I still don't know why my mum had to choose the purple one.'

'Do you have a handbag around somewhere, too?' River teased.

He just sighed. 'I can see that this was a biiiiig mistake.'