AN: Once upon a time there was a super duper fun Legend of Zelda RP. The RP ran for more or less two and a half arcs and multiple years, but eventually it dwindled down to two girls (who, by the way, are secretly in love). These two girls were in heavy denial about the death of their RP, so they did a spin-off one-on-one of it. Then, shortly after I became a re-canon thing in the spin-off, they decided that the spin-off was so awesome (due to me) that it was only considerate to convert it into fanfic format and show it (mostly me) to the world. Since everyone knows it's a crying shame to keep this concealed.

I think I was supposed to be saying something relevant.

Oh, right.

The following is that fanfic.

- Love, Philip

PS: I show up later. Trust me, it's awesome.

Prologue - The First of Many Tea Parties

The quaint little courtyard was mostly dominated by lush, colorful flowering plants, sheltering and nestled at the roots of towering shady oaks. Orange hibiscuses snuggled happily against white and pink rosebushes, their blooms intertwined. A neat little azalea bush had tamed itself among a sprawling, purple orchid bed which leaped in every direction around it, as though it had once been a moving creature and had been captured in time as it played with the bush.

The flowers had organized themselves around clear paths despite no visible guidance. They were not clustered into beds or drowned out by mulch or gravel, or choked out by hardy grasses. They simply flowed in their beds and slowed around the paths that wound through them.

A hummingbird flitted lightly to a bright tiger lily and poked its long, narrow beak inside. It hovered there for a long moment, sipping and then lifting its head to swallow, green feathers flashing in the sunlight. It repeated the motion over and over again: sip, swallow, sip, swallow, its tail twitching and its wings a cooling breeze. Once it was done, it floated away to find something else of interest - and this happened to be the occupants of two wrought iron chairs around a matching table: a lithe man with blonde, shoulder-length hair and a pixie-like redheaded girl.

The blonde man seemed more or less stuck on the battlefield, with a great sweeping indigo cloak, a heavy dark leather breastplate, and an ornate sword sheath hanging at his belt. His leather boots and gloves were thick and substantial, but jewel encrusted at the cuffs, whispering of nobility with little rubies and sapphires and emeralds and topazes. An amethyst stud was embedded in one earlobe, matching the bright purple of his watchful eyes.

"Do you ever wonder if these hummingbirds are the spirits of real hummingbirds, or if they're just substanceless figments of this realm?" he asked thoughtfully, watching their little iridescent green visitor curiously.

"No no, this is tea, not a flower," she chided as it hovered closer.

The redhead on the other hand looked as though she had tumbled out of a seamstress's dream. Her pink and purple dress was elaborate and ruffled, embroidered with floral patterns, pearls, and tiny bells. Her long hair, which was more a shade of pink brunette than true red, was held back with a large blue butterfly-domino, slipped up and onto her head. Her broach, earrings, and some of the needlework on her dress were also accented with bright blue in attempt to coordinate with her (some would think unnervingly) blue eye color.

"Both are just as likely, I suppose, though I like some things to be a mystery," she said, considering his question.

"As far as I've heard," the man went on, scooping a lump of sugar out of the pot and dumping it into his tea, "I don't think animals get to come to the Golden Fields. But I don't really like that thought, to be honest." He stirred the sugar into the tea for a moment and tapped the spoon on the side of his cup. "So I pretend they do. Anyway, you said you had something that we needed to discuss."

"It's just a different a department, Raer; don't fret for the hummingbirds too much," she teased, patting his hand as she spoke. "And yes actually. We've finally gotten some standing orders in this whole mess!"

"GOOD!" he barked with a suddenness that sent the hummingbird darting away. He winced and sat back, clearing his throat and stroking his pale stubble.

"Go on, Miss Abbey," he mumbled.

"We're to think of a plan," she said quietly and took a long sip of her tea.

Silence.

Raer stared blankly at her for a long moment. Birds twittered with blissful, almost silly ignorance.

"...If this was my war room," he finally said quietly, "I'd be pounding on tables right now."

He punctuated this with a very purposeful sip of his tea.

"We would flip them all first, I would think," she said.

He imitated jazz hands and mocked, "'Good luck guys, try to win.'"

"'Oh yes, also, pick up a pound of sugar while your at it, dearies,'" she added in an impression of the goddess that few could appreciate how spot on it was.

She sighed and stirred her tea with her spoon.

"At least they're busy bickering over how to manifest the Triforce and not sitting on their hands anymore. So we do have something to go off of. Who do we have on the ground?"

"I think you know," Raer replied with the slightest hint of humiliation, averting his eyes and scratching behind one ear.

"Who else," she said flatly.

"Nobody, not yet," he admitted. "Not that I'm aware of. I suppose we could - send Zelda?" he suggested hesitantly. "What with Link out of the picture and all."

She nodded.

"Yes, then when they have made arrangements for the Triforce, she'll be there and old enough to handle it. That sounds good. We can ask for volunteers. I don't think we've had to do one of these without Link in a while.

"Oh, but - oh, we forgot, remember?" he reminded vaguely. "After last time Zelda said she didn't want to be involved with this for - what with the - well, for her sake, let's not get into it. But she'll be spitting mad if we send her. Though I think I would at least like to have her on the ground. Just maybe not in the frayest of the fray?"

"The universe could possible unravel and your worried about the wrath of Zelda -"

"Think about that sentence you just said."

She tapped her temple thoughtfully.

"Well it is...rather unpleasant, but, you know, with the situation and all...oh, but- you're right. Not worth the risk. You know I love her, but I can't stand the woman when she's cross."

Raer said nothing on this, as it was his opinion that it was impossible to stand most women when they were cross.

"So then...who else?" he went on. "Are we really just going to ask for volunteers? Wouldn't that be...a little dangerous?

"Well we wouldn't ask idiots or Twili- I'm not suggesting an open call. What about the rest of your lot? Are they still around or have they unraveled yet?" she asked, looking into her teacup to find the information she sought. "Ah, yes, actually a couple have applied for round two or three of life."

"Well that's good," he remarked optimistically, glancing at the tea in her cup. "Oh, he'll be useful. And I forgot, there's still another one wandering around - and I'm sure would be glad to get a chance to stand in for Link."

She chuckled.

"He goes every Carnival of Time you know. He's done a remarkable job not making a liar out of me. I told them he would be mostly harmless..."

Raer gave his tea a little stir as his mind obviously drifted elsewhere. After a moment, his mouth set in a grim line.

"...I knew I should have killed that little Eric bastard when we had the chance," he suddenly growled. "Now look at him. He's making that Logan fellow look bad. Hell, he's making Ganon look bad."

"He's even making you look bad, but it's not a competition, dear."

Raer gave her a little sideways glare.

"Let's not talk about that."

She leaned over the table and kissed his cheek.

"You're cute when your cross."

He gave a gruff 'harrumph'.

"Back to Eric. That's what we're supposed to be discussing anyway," he pointed out a bit sharply. "Whatever lot we put together is going to have to be something else," the man went on. "He has all the advantages. We don't know half of what we need to about that damn mask of his or how it works. How can we battle a threat we don't know anything about?" The question was more rhetorical than anything. "I've never had to deal with anything like this before."

"Ah, you weren't hear for Majora, lucky duck. This thing is tribal too, but ancient. The only reason we don't know much about his is because no one dared put it on before. For good reason, I assume. I've asked Nayru about it before - me and masks you know - and she was always very tight lipped about it. With Farore missing though, its difficult not to jump to conclusion on what it's capable of. So lets start with your lot. They've done just fine without Link in past- granted, they had Glenn, but they're wild cards. We need some of that right now."

"Well, there's Conrad, although he's technically with Din, but I think we can find a way to lure him back to the ground on Nayru's side," Raer suggested. "Maybe if we promise to reunite him with Jihara?"

"...What if we just pitch it as not-sides? Not that luring him with den-mothers wouldn't work. Din and Nayru aren't fighting yet, although even without divine favor he is damn useful."

"You know how they are. They won't allow that for two seconds. They're like my twins, putting tape down the middle of the room. We'll have to get Conrad to switch somehow, but I think den-mother lures should do. I suppose the little one would have to come with him - the one Vidar was so fond of?" he went on, waving a spoon in the air as he spoke.

"Ah yes, another lovely lady he's stood up in the afterlife. Yes, I suppose. Her luck stats were very high last time around. She could have been Vriska even. Shall we throw in Mister and Missus Villainous? The blonde one and the little blind fellow? That would make for an interesting show, even if it doesn't work out."

"I think the little wizard would be very helpful in this electronically powered day and age we're operating inside," Raer pointed out with a nod. "And the Missus would keep him from going on a homicidal rage - he's really quite prone to those when left to his own devices, you know."

She nodded as he spoke.

"So we have a series of loose guns right now, and the only known person to be able to make them work as a team is sipping tea next to me."

"Yes. We should probably throw in Zed and his peacekeeping skills for good measure. Oh! Zed!" Raer perked up, indigo eyes wide with an idea. "Zed! Instead of Zelda! Yes! Their names are even similar! Maybe no one will notice!"

"You are brilliant. You are a brilliant, brilliant man! And we use Zed, then that means-" her face lit up and she began to clap. "My OTP! Oooh Din might even cooperate! You know Jekida is her third favorite!"

"Ah! Yes! Then there are two wielders together! That will be good. But who could possibly pull them all together?"

The heaviest question of all slowly settled upon them.

Silence.

Twitters.

Tea sipping.

Thoughtful finger-tapping and the light thrum of hummingbird wings.

"Ah...How about...that Holodrum girl?" Abbey put forth finally.

"Well, maybe. Let's think," Raer finally said. "Whoever it is, they're going to have to have good organizational skills and the ability to approach a large, complex problem rationally and humbly."

Already a face was materializing in both of their minds.

"They should probably be good at riddles - there are going to be lots of riddles, I've decided already - "

"Yes- riddles, I like those- " Off-topic she added, "Oh, you don't want to know who my tea is telling me Holodrum girl is. More paperwork than bringing Conny over."

"Mm... Yes, well...they should probably also have good social skills too. Yes, definitely. Something like myself. But with less of that - conquering instinct. That is definitely not a thing we need right now."

"Honestly most people qualified for this are already demi, but we're spread thin already and what with the politics - given the right situation, that coy scribe boy could pull it off, I think. Or am I being optimisitc?"

Raer looked at her apologetically.

"I'm afraid I don't remember who you're referring to."

Abbey leaned forward and tapped the rim of his teacup. The warm brown liquid rippled, and Raer watched as the face of a young boy appeared in it.

"Ohhhhhhh... Yes... Yes, I see. Yes, I think that would work very well..."