Po, the Harem Master
Part 1: The Furious Five; Tigress and Viper
by Neoraichu
Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"
WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
…
And thus did the greatest Warrior of ALL TIME gaze across the land in his perpetual search for the enemies of the Valley of Peace, for such a place could not be the place in which it choose to be placed for not the perpetual vigilance of the greatest Warrior of ALL TIME. He was huge, built like a stone fortress, and also was a devil among all ladies of all stripes for he was a badass and a rebel, the kind of guys the chics couldn't help but fall in love with! His hand carried the Legendary Sword of Jade that he had crafted with his own hands and transformed into a relic of Power with his own Awesomeness! On top of that, he wore the Armor of Awesomeness that he also just happened to have crafted himself from the rarest hide and wood in the world and likewise transformed into a relic of Power with his own Awesomeness! And it was topped off with the Bamboo Hat That Really Makes You Look SO Cool that he also just happened to have crafted himself from the rarest bamboo in the world and likewise transformed into a relic of Power with his own Awesomeness!
And there were ENEMIES ALL RIGHT! 1,000 Croc Warriors to the left, 1,000 Water Buffalo Warriors to the right, 1,000 Elephant Warriors in the middle, 1,000 Vulture Warriors circling overhead, and 1 Giant Totally Evil Black Dragon General standing behind them all! The Dragon had taken the entire Imperial Family hostage, and they just weren't going to save themselves! It was almost going to be a challenge for the greatest Warrior of ALL TIME!
It wasn't like he was alone either, for behind him stood the Furious Five! The greatest GROUP of Warriors of All Time who looked up to the greatest Warrior of ALL TIME for leadership, training, and of course, AWESOMENESS! This included the Legendary Tigress with her Jade Quan-Do, Legendary Viper with her Jade Battle Fan, Legendary Crane with his Steel Battle Claws, Legendary Monkey with his Steel Great Staff, and Legendary Mantis (who didn't really have a weapon because he was just too small)! All weapons he also just happened to have crafted himself from the rarest materials in the world and likewise transformed into a relic of Power with his own Awesomeness!
"Grand Master Panda!" said Tigress, "There's so many of them! It is hopeless! It is impossible! We should just give up and surrender to them now! We cannot save the Imperial Family before the enemy murders them all!"
The greatest Warrior turned to face Tigress, cutting off her stream of complaints with but a single look.
"Of course," she said apologetically, "You are right! We were not taught to give up just because things are impossible! Things that cannot be done must be done because you taught us how to do things which cannot be done by the power of you unstoppable Awesomeness!"
The greatest Warrior smiled at Tigress.
"Thank you for your confidence in us, Grand Master," she continued as her spirits lifted, "for our own Awesomeness is but a fraction of your own! We do not know how we even survived before you trained the Five of us in your Awesomeness!"
He turned to find himself staring into the face of the Evil Dragon!
"Po!" it said Darkly and Evilly, "It it morning! It's time to make the noodles! Get up!"
...
Po awoke to his father's countenance. The gray goose was smiling down over his giant Panda son. He was looking down upon him from the side of his cot, and he looked both happy and excited. "It's time to make the noodles! You know it's going to be a real good day today!"
"Oh yeah," he replied, "It's TODAY! The Day they pick the Dragon Warrior!"
"The what now?"
"The Dragon Warrior!" he said with just a little frustration in his voice, "Just the greatest Kung Fu Warrior of ALL TIME!"
"Big deal. If he could sell noodles, it might be worth getting worked up over."
"People are coming to the Valley of Peace from ALL over the EMPIRE to see this, Dad!"
"Really?"
"Sure!" he said, "This kind of thing is like ONCE IN A LIFETIME AWESOME!"
"You're absolutely right son!" he cried, "And they ALL be hungry for NOODLES! This could be the best chance ALL YEAR for our shop to make money and add to our retirement nest egg!"
"So I can go see it?!"
"Well you can't use the Noodle Cart to sell to all those hungry spectators if you aren't there, can you?"
"Well, no..."
"Of course not!"
"I suppose any reason to be there is as good as any other..."
"We'll have to put off making noodles then, my son," he added, "but it's not like we still don't have a week's supply all ready to go. I just don't like putting things off the the last day, you know."
"I know, dad."
"Well you get all cleaned up and ready for the day, son," he said, "I have to get the Noodle Cart ready to go." The goose walked away as he muttered to himself, "Make sure there's enough fire wood to boil the soup... gotta slice up some fresh radishes... make sure he sells the bean buns before they go bad..."
Po glanced to the window sill and smiled at his collection of Rare Furious Five Action Figures with 15 Points of Articulation (or more, depending on which action figure he was looking at). He picked up the Tigress figure, his personal favorite, and held her affectionately against his chest. Then he set her back down, adjusted her action stance, and set out to dress and change for the day ahead.
...
Po stood at the base of the staircase leading up to the Jade Palace. The staircase was angled to about 45 degrees, and if he were going all the way up there, would be more than a mile trek. But the stadium he was going up to was more like a half mile climb. He looked back at the loaded noodle cart and sighed, "Why am I an only child? Isn't there labor laws against this?"
"Excuse me," said a woman's voice.
He looked around to see a dozen women leopards all sporting red bamboo and silk umbrellas.
"Hi," he said, "Can I help you?"
"No, but perhaps we can help you," replied one of the ladies, "I take it you're planning to haul that cart all the way up to the stadium for the Dragon Warrior Ceremony?"
"Yes!" he answered.
"We're performing there for the Grand Parade," she answered, "and in exchange for a little free food, we would be happy to help out. By the way, we're the Ladies of the Shade, and my name is Su."
"I'm Po," he replied, "A real pleasure to meet you all. I'm sure that I'll make more than enough money today to make up from some free food. I really hope to get to see you all performing. You all look awesome."
"Some men just know how to flatter a gal silly," said Su, "But where are my manner? Let me introduce you to the Ladies here." She began pointing out one Lady at a time as she said, "This one is my current second in command, Song. This is her younger sister, Dance. These are the twins, Leap and Tumble. This is Lotus Blossom, the Mystic in Training. This is Nightshade. This is Lightning Dancer. This is Thunder Drummer. These are the other twins, Silk and Satin. The last one here is Voiceless."
He nodded at each in turn until the last, in which he had to ask, "Voiceless?"
"Unfortunately so," replied Su, "Her voice was taken by a Croc bandit when his spear pierced her neck as a child."
"Oh, that's just so wrong!" he scowled, "I hope it still doesn't hurt her?"
"No," replied Su, "It stopped hurting her years ago when her throat healed, but... she'll never sing like her mother wanted her to."
He leaned over and hugged Voiceless as he said, "No lady should ever be treated so horribly! The Gods shouldn't let things like that happen!"
He didn't notice at the time, but Song looked at him very sympathetically because of his kind words and the hug he gave to Voiceless.
"I would agree," said Su, "but things cannot be changed. Now Ladies, let's help the nice Panda here get his cart up to the Stadium, shall we?"
They all nodded as one.
...
Po watched as the Ladies of the Shade walked away. He had no idea that between them, they were going to put away 24 full bowls of noodles complete with broth and vegetables. It was almost one fifth of his whole supply. He figured they must use a whole lot of energy performing. But he promised the Ladies free food for their assistance, and he had to stick to his word after all. And they did take his cart all the way up to the Stadium as promised.
He looked around the stadium at the throngs of visitors. There had to be at least a thousand people there just to see the Dragon Warrior Ceremony. Although the Ladies of the Shade carried his cart into the Stadium and to the base of the bleachers, there was still about a hundred feet of stairs that separated the bottom of the stands from the top. He could even see Grand Master Oogway, Master Shifu, and the VIPs as they looked out from their platform over the crowd so gathered. They were all enraptured as Shifu stepped up to make an announcement.
"Welcome to the Valley of Peace!" he called, "Welcome to the Dragon Warrior Ceremony! Soon the Furious Five will be called out to show their Martial Prowess for you, and it will be all too soon before we can discover who will be chosen as the Dragon Warrior!"
"The Dragon Warrior is here with us now," said Oogway as the old turtle smiled and looked out over the crowd.
Shifu looked back as he commented, "Well, I guess the Five are close enough to be counted as being with us."
But Oogway made no further comment. If the ancient turtle knew more than what he said, he was keeping it to himself.
"I know he's hard to see from the stands," said Shifu, "but please welcome the first of the Furious Five, MASTER MANTIS!"
'He's right,' thought Po, 'I can hardly see him from here, and I'm about 10 yards away from the stage.'
He was too busy making and selling noodles to watch Mantis' performance anyway.
"Excuse me," asked a deep woman's voice, "Do you sell Doufu?" He glanced about to see a fairly tall person fully covered in robes.
"Just plain Doufu?" he asked curiously.
"Yes."
"Not exactly," he replied, "There's Doufu in the noodle soup base."
"I'd rather just have..."
"Hey," he replied, "Just to show you how good they are, I'll let you have a bowl of noodles for free." He shoved her a bowl of noodles and a pair of chopsticks before she could object.
"Uh..." she replied, "Thanks?"
She turned to leave as he said, "No problem... Oh, and have a good show Tigress."
Stopping cold, she said, "You surely must be mistaken..."
"Of course I am," he said, "But have a good show anyways."
She slipped away before people began paying more attention to what the Panda had just announced.
'Darn him,' she thought, 'How did he know? If I wasn't so hungry from training the last week... If I remembered to eat something for breakfast this morning...' With her chopsticks, she absentmindedly began eating the noodle soup. 'Well, I guess they are kinda good.' She had to make her way back behind the platform and the observers, hopefully without being discovered. It would have been quite embarrassing to make a scene before she was scheduled to demonstrate her Kung Fu prowess. She knew in her heart she was most likely to be chosen as the Dragon Warrior, after all.
What Po didn't know was that a dark red, smallish figure was also watching the proceeding from under the bleachers with more than one pair of eyes, and the people sitting over them would totally freak out if they even had the least little idea about who was underneath them just now.
'Soon this bomb will make ALL of them pay for my humiliation,' they thought, 'Vengeance will be mine after all these years!'
Shifu announced, "Please welcome the second of the Furious Five, MASTER CRANE!"
Po just had to stop and watch the aerial Kung Fu Style of Crane. The crowd was also all abuzz and crazy about his air show. Shifu had assistants who tossed clay plates into the air, a dozen or more at a time, while Crane broke every last one before it could strike the ground. Unfortunately, one plate turned out to be made of strong wood rather than clay, so instead of breaking, it was thrust away from him a great speed. And it just so happened to hit Po in the head as well.
"That's not funny, Monkey!" called Crane as he landed next to Po, and then asked, "Are you alright, sir? I'm really sorry about this."
"No," said Po as he rubbed his head and wished the world would just stop spinning, "It's cool. It really is. Would you sign the plate for me?"
"Uh... sure," he replied, "but later. I don't think either of us has a brush and ink on us..."
"No, I guess you're right about that."
The crowd seemed to forgive Crane as readily as Po did. The rest of Crane's performance went with out any incidents.
Shifu announced, "Please welcome the third of the Furious Five, MASTER MONKEY!"
Master Monkey came out using two Dragon Stave as stilts. He seemed to be quite adept in walking around that way.
'That is so cool,' thought Po.
"Who says wings are everything?" he called out to the crowd, who generally cheered him back.
But a dark owl perched high upon the tallest tree on the side of the mountain answered quietly, "I do, you fool. When I break your body and soul, you'll know what I mean. If that jerk Oogway wasn't around to protect you little ingrates, I'd... I'd..." There was a pause before adding, "Why is it so bloody bright out here?"
Monkey continued to wow the crowds in his own right by using the stave to break clay plates set up on the ground around him as well as knock a few red rubber balls out of the air as they were thrown at him from the 'sidelines'.
Shifu announced, "Please welcome the fourth of the Furious Five, MASTER VIPER!"
She began wowing the crowds by spinning large thin wooden rings tossed at her around her long, slender body one at a time until she was doing at least 12 rings at once.
"What do you know," mused Po to himself as he watched her, "A hoop snake."
He smelled that the noodles were boiling over, so he had to turn around and take care of them. It was fortunate that the damage was minimal, and so was the amount of noodle broth that was lost. Then he felt something thin roll into his backside and get stuck between his 'cheeks'.
"I'm sorry about that," said a woman's voice, "We really need to get more accurate throwers around here. Could you throw it back on stage for me please? Please be careful. That hoop is covered in explosives..."
He glanced back over his shoulder to see that Viper was looking down on him from the edge of the stage as she still had those twelve or so rings spinning around her body.
'EXPLOSIVES?!' he thought in a panic. He turned quickly towards Viper as the ring slapped into the side of the cart, causing some of the fuel from the open flame boiling the noodles to get thrown onto the ring wedged in his backside. 'Oh no, I'm too young to get BLOWN UP!'
Viper realized that the Panda vendor had panicked and frozen in place, so she had to act quickly. It was a matter of a few seconds before the ring was going to light up, and probably light up the Panda and the whole cart as well. Leaving the other rings behind, she lunged at him from the stage, grabbed the ring with her mouth, and flung it high into the air before it explosively burned up. Unfortunately, her teeth cut the ring of explosives before she could fling it, and it left her with a mouthful of corrosive black powder, chlorine and antimony (for the color it would make when it went off).
Seeing Viper in gagging and coughing in distress snapped Po back to the real world. Grabbing a ladle full of broth, he pushed it to her lips as he shouted, "Quick, wash your mouth out with this!" She took a mouthful, washed it around and spit it out on the ground next to her.
"Thanks," said Viper with a slight cough.
"It's the least I can do for saving my life and all," he answered awkwardly.
"Actually," she said with a smile, "That's about the nicest thing anyone's done for me in years. Aren't you afraid of snakes?"
"Not one that belongs to the Furious Five!" he replied, "The Furious Five TOTALLY RULES!"
"Sorry for the interruption in the proceedings," called Master Shifu, "There will be a slight delay before we continue!"
Master Shifu came down to the cart and the Panda as he asked Viper, "Are you alright?"
"Because of this Panda's quick thinking," she replied, "I am."
"Who can we thank for this?"
"Me?" asked the Panda, "I'm Po. It's nice to meet you, Master Shifu."
"Oh... uh," he replied to the Panda's boldness, "Nice to meet you too."
"Noodles?" he asked hopefully.
"Sorry," replied the Master, "Far too busy for that right now. Come along, Master Viper. We need to get the stage cleaned up so you can finish your display. You know what Tigress gets like if she's kept waiting too long."
Viper gulped and nodded.
"Ask Tigress if she liked the noodles!" he called after.
"What is he talking about?" asked Shifu.
"No idea, Master," replied Viper, "Perhaps we should just ask Tigress?"
"We don't have time for that sort of foolishness!" he chided, "Just get Tigress ready to go as soon as you're done!"
"Yes Master."
Po had to clean up with a mop and a bucket of water, so he missed the last part of Viper's performance.
"Master Viper thanks you for your patience!" Shifu announced, "So please welcome the final member of the Furious Five, MASTER TIGRESS!"
As she came out, he gave her a little wave that oddly made her pause as soon as she saw it. She hoped that no one could see the blush that crossed her cheeks in that moment. Banishing the thought as fast as she could, she got around to her Martial Arts performance. As she waited, half a dozen rather large and very heavy iron bells were brought out by a dozen of the largest rhinos Po had ever seen. They were carried in very heavy wooden frames which allowed the bells to swing and ring even while they were sitting on the ground. Oddly enough, the bells were not the same size. The bells were sit in a ring around Tigress, starting with the smallest bell and circling around to the largest before the circle closed and the pattern repeated. With the clappers, the bells easily ranged in weight from 400 pounds upwards to over a full ton.
She made the bells ring out by punching them very hard, thus causing them to swing and their clappers to make contact with the sides of the bell. Leaping from one bell to another, they rang out until the listeners realized that Tigress was making music. They wondered how she could possibly ring those bells so hard without hurting her hands. The crowd was overwhelmingly approving of her efforts.
Finishing her performance, she bowed to the audience as she waited for the sounds to fade.
"Once the stage is cleared," called Shifu, "The great and powerful Grand Master Oogway shall point out the Dragon Warrior! Aren't you all excited?!" The crowd clapped and cheered their growing excitement.
A female fox watched from mid range in the bleachers, and she commented, "I'll give you a performance one of these days, Shifu my ex. One of these days." With her bright blue eyeshadow and her pink robes, she was drawing attention from a lot of the men sitting nearby, but she only had eyes for the one called Shifu.
One of the Ladies of the Shade bumped into her as they tried to pass by, but the fox was not paying any mind to the passing leopard. She had in fact bumped into just about every man in the row on either side of the fox in the process. When the leopard got to the end of the row, she ducked behind the bleachers to meet some of the others.
"I'm sure I got at least a dozen fat bags of silver on that run," she confided to the others.
"Well show us," they replied.
She flopped her sleeve, but only one small bag of silver dropped into her hand.
"What the?.." she asked in dismay.
"Right, at least a dozen fat bags of silver..."
"I've been robbed! By another thief no less!"
"Who would dare steal from the Ladies of the Shade?" asked Su madly.
"I don't know," she replied, "I never felt any of the bags being lifted. Whoever he is, he's good at being bad!"
"They better pray we don't find them or they'll find out just how wicked we can be!"
Meanwhile, the time had come for the choosing of the Dragon Warrior. The small red figure under the bleachers was now fussing with a large, round iron ball, a length of string, and a lit oil lamp.
"About 10 seconds after I light this," she gloated, "BOOM! About 100 people in the stands are going to buy the farm as soon as the bleachers collapse. I just need to light this without..." The bomb slipped loose from her claw just as she lit it. It rolled away from her, and under Mr. Ping's Noodle Cart. "dropping it! Nuts, I have to get out of her before it goes off!" The small red figure fled towards the back of the bleachers as fast as her six little legs would carry her.
The red figure scurried away as Grand Master Oogway began lifting his arm with its long, pointy nails. The Noodle Cart exploded, flinging Po into the air and right over the stage. He landed on a heap on the stage floor head first. When his sight cleared, he couldn't help but notice their was a giant tortoise pointing a long tapered claw right at him.
"You are the Dragon Warrior!" pronounced Master Oogway slowly.
"Me?" asked Po.
"Me?" asked Tigress, who was standing just behind where Po landed, "You were going to point at me, weren't you?"
"No," replied the tortoise, "It is him. The Universe has chosen him."
"NO!" yelled Shifu, "This is a joke! You can't be serious!"
"I have never been more serious, my student."
Two pairs of Rhinos rushed over with a sedan chair while two more tossed the Panda onto it, and then they all sped away up the stairs towards the Jade Palace before any more objections could be made. Shifu, the Furious Five, and almost every member of the audience was dumbfounded that some large, fat and apparently soft Panda was chosen to be the Legendary Dragon Warrior.
"Master," said Tigress, "We've failed you."
"No!" shouted Shifu, "I'll get this fixed! The Dragon Warrior just has to be one of the Furious Five! He just has to be!"