Uncanny Arrancar
Chapter 1: Introduction
"In a land, far far away, there was an empire..."
"Shut up, Szayel. We don't want anymore of your Star Wars fanboy-ism. Let me tell a story."
"You're all a bunch of idiots."
"Shut up, Stark!"
"Fine, alright. Let's let Nnoitra tell a story."
"Okay. Once, there was a cat. Then it made a dog really angry, and the dog bit its head off!" At this, the fifth Espada burst out laughing, holding his stomach. Everyone at the table glared at him, before Stark spoke up.
"That was dumb." Everyone looked his way. He just looked back coolly, his eyes conveying his boredom. Szayel snorted.
"Well, it's Nnoitra. What'd you expect? If you'd just let me talk about Star Wars..." Szayel complained, pushing his glasses back up to his eyes.
"How about Ulquiorra tells a story?" Yammy asked excitedly, pointing to the Cuarto Espada right next to him. Ulquiorra sighed, before standing up.
"There once was a piece of trash, and then that piece of trash met another piece of trash. The one piece of trash asked where his trash was, to which the other replied it was in a dumpster. The one then killed the other piece of trash for being an idiot. The end." he said, sitting back down.
"Yay!" Yammy shouted, clapping his hands. The others just looked on, confused, before Nnoitra started laughing again.
"I get it! He disemboweled him with a spoon! Bahah!" He said, laughing and slapping his knee. Gin stood still in the back of the corner, chuckling to himself.
"Poor piece of trash..." Aizen frowned. This was not how he imagined his tea party to go. He cleared his throat, standing up.
"Everyone...this is not how I intended my tea party to go." He said, crossing his arms. Gin raised his head, before saying,
"Aizen...the narrator just said that." Everyone looked at Gin quizzically, who just continued with his fox-like grin, tapping his forehead.
"Anyway..." Aizen continued slowly. "This tea party was supposed to be perfect, and it still can be. Everyone, put on the outfits." He commanded, standing up and smirking. But maybe the smirk was too much...he still wanted to look confident, but not crazy.
Everyone sighed, standing up and putting on the bonnets and lace that had been on their chair when they first got there. "Sir," Ulquiorra inquired. "My helmet will rip through the bonnet." Aizen nodded.
"Then you don't have to wear it." Yammy looked at Ulquiorra incredulously, before muttering something about him being lucky. They all sat there, stunned.
"Hey, Aizen. I think the fart here's dead." Grimmjow said, snorting. Aizen shrugged. Grimmjow took his spoon, setting it under the second Espada's nose, clearly saddened when fog formed from the second Espada breathing. "Damnit. Not yet." He said. Baraggan's head whipped up, glaring at Grimmjow.
"Damn whippersnapper, if I had my beatin' stick..." He said, before noticing his zanpaku-to. "Oh, there it is!" He yelled, before grabbing his zanpaku-to sheath, smacking Grimmjow in the face with it.
"Ow, FUCK!" Grimmjow yelled, holding his face. Oh, there would be payback. Baraggan snorted about something he found funny, putting his zanpaku-to back into place.
"There is a bright side to this..." Tosen said. He went to go stand up, finding bottom stuck in the seat, before he fell back down in his seat. "What the...Gin? Did you glue me to my chair again?" He shouted, which caused the fox-like man to chuckle, before saying,
"I...have to go, mkay? Don't have too much fun without me." Gin chuckled, before slipping out of the door. Aizen turned his attention on Grimmjow, raising a well-plucked eyebrow.
"Grimmjow...you should apologize." He said. Grimmjow snorted, before asking,
"For what?"
"Your manliness." Aizen retorted. Grimmjow paled visibly, raising a questioning eyebrow. Aizen pointed at Luppi. Realization hit Grimmjow as he looked over, before saying,
"I'm sorry, Luppi." Luppi couldn't help but look confused.
"For what?" He asked.
"My manliness...it made you piss your pants." He said, quickly buttoning up his Espada jacket to cover up the main source of his manliness; his abs. Luppi looked down, before shrieking and running out of the room.
Tosen chuckled, a smile upon his lips. "I slept with her." He said briefly. "She was very skilled. I filled her to the brim with justice."
Everyone who was drinking or eating spit out their food and drink, staring at him wide-eyed.
"Tosen...you didn't feel anything weird on him, err, her, did you...?" Szayel asked.
"No. Why are you all acting surprised. The loveliest lady in Las Noches needs somebody. It is only natural she is attracted to justice-iest person in this unjustful city." He said calmly.
"Luppi's got a dick." Grimmjow said bluntly. Tosen paled, his dark skin turning a gray color.
"ICHIMARU!" He yelled out, a comical vein throbbing on his forehead.
Meanwhile, off in the distance...
"I wonder who told Kaname-kun..." He wondered idly, chuckling to himself.
"I always knew it..." Stark muttered to himself idly.
"Well," Aizen interrupted, standing up. "I believe today's tea party is over now...you can all take off the bonnets." At this, everyone did so, Grimmjow going as far as to tear his up with his teeth out of hatred for the un-manly object. Aaroniero took off the cover of his fish-tank like head thing. The faces frowned, seeing that the can he held in his hand was almost empty.
"Aizen-sama...we need more food." Aaroniero said, emptying the fish food into the top of his helmet. The heads floated around like fish, swallowing the food eagerly. "And we need somebody to clean our tank here soon."
Aizen nodded, before replying. "Very well, it has been noted. And I shall send Menoly and Loly, Grimmjow's Fraccion, to clean it." Aizen walked out of the door, going to his own chambers. Grimmjow looked at Aaroniero, before busting out laughing.
"Your fuckin' fish just shat in your tank!" He said, holding his stomach. The fish frowned.
"It's not our fault we couldn't hold it." They said, as a long, stringy piece of fish-ces (Fish-feces) floated past.
"Can somebody help me out of this chair?" Tosen asked. It was at that moment that Gin decided to come back in.
"I will, Kaname-kun." He said with his fox-like grin.
"No, Gin, that's perfectly-OW!" Tosen yelled, standing up so abruptly the back of the chair hit the back of Tosen, the force causing the chair to fall off harmlessly. "What did you do, Ichimaru?" He yelled. Gin chuckled, before pulling out the scorpion he had carefully been holding. It repeatedly stuck its stinger into the glove Gin had on, since he was holding it.
"Oh, well whaddya know. Kaname-kun, were you out in the desert rolling around again?" Gin asked, chuckling to himself as he ran out of the room, and down the hall.
"Until the Winter War...life is going to be hell." Tosen said, rubbing his forehead in frustration.
Meanwhile...
Aizen slammed the door to his room shut, looking around to make sure nobody was nearby. He walked over to his desk, sitting down. He opened a drawer, before pulling out dolls. All of them were fashioned to be like the Espada, plus Tosen, Ichimaru, and himself. He sat them all around a small toy table that he found, him sitting at the front.
"I am Lord Aizen. You shall all bow down to me, because I am King. I will not tell you to, though, because I am a gracious King." He said in a deep voice, moving his doll around.
"Oh, yes, Lord Aizen. Hail, Lord Aizen." He said, in a high-pitched voice, resembling that of Grimmjow.
"And along comes the humans..." He muttered, pulling out dolls of all of the Soul Society.
"Aizen-sama..." Gin called, opening the door. Hastily, Aizen grabbed all of the dolls, shoving them into his pants, before standing and staring at Gin.
"Yes-" He said, before realizing his voice was still high-pitched. He cleared it, before answering. "Err, yes, Gin?" Gin looked down, noticing the bulge in Aizen's pants.
"If those last for more than three hours, you're supposed to call a doctor." He said with his fox-like smirk. Aizen went a little red, before nodding.
"Yes, Gin. I know." He said.
"Oh, anyway...I borrowed one of your dolls." He said, tossing the Mayuri doll to Aizen, who caught it. He looked dumbstruck, turning to Gin. Gin, in turn, gave him the thumbs up, before walking away.