Title: Dreams In My Head
Summary: In the days following the battle with Galaxia, Usagi couldn't deny it any longer. She had changed and Mamoru hadn't, and her heart was leading her to someone who had been there all along. S/U
A/N: This started out as a completely different one-shot about Seiya being a part of the Silver Millennium, and turned into… this. I'm not quite sure how, but I ended up sort of liking how it turned out anyway (for having been written in about three hours, it's not bad) so I thought I'd post it regardless. There totally needs to be more Seiya/Usagi stories in the world if you ask me. I hope you enjoy!
Following a long and exhausting dinner with her family, Tsukino Usagi wearily climbed the stairs, walked down the hall to her room, and shut the door. A relieved sigh escaped her as she crumbled against the wall, no longer having to pretend that she could stand under her own power with no problems. It had taken every last modicum of strength she possessed to pretend that she was in perfect health during the past two days so that her family wouldn't get too curious about what had happened during the 'attack'. A fair bit of the city had been destroyed and a lot of people had been wounded or killed, or were missing, and her mother had hugged her for a good five minutes when she finally returned home a couple of days ago.
"Ah, it hurts," she whined to herself, sinking to the ground. She squirmed for a minute in an effort to find a position that didn't hurt, but that proved to be impossible, and she finally had to settle for hugging her knees to her chest and resting her chin on her knees. It still hurt – everything did – but bearably so.
The war with Galaxia was finally over. All of the starseeds had been returned to where they belonged, and the senshi, Princess Kakyuu, and Mamoru had returned. Mamoru. Her heart still clenched with the remembered pain of discovering that she had lost him and not even known about it. This was the first war when he had not been by her side, and the distance it had caused between them was a gulf that she had no idea how to cross. She wasn't the same foolish, naïve girl he'd left behind, but he was still the same idealistic, courageous boy she had loved, like he'd been frozen in time, and it was causing some unforeseen problems that both of them were dancing around, neither of them quite sure what to do.
"Usagi-chan?" Luna's voice made her jump. The small black cat stood up and leapt gracefully off of the bed. "You're crying. Are you in that much pain still?"
"It's improving," Usagi said with a faint, depressed smile. Technically, that was true. She hadn't bothered to go into exact detail about what had happened during the final stage of the war, so no one but the Starlights knew about the direct attacks she had suffered through. Once or twice, Seiya, Yaten, and Taiki had all given her worried looks when no one else was paying attention, but that was it. Her tears fell even faster at the thought of her three friends, who would be departing the next day at sunset, and she hunched her shoulders, unable to even contemplate a life without them. Without her.
"Is this about Mamoru-san?" Luna watched her with a sympathetic, compassionate gaze that only grew more concerned when Usagi flinched at the mention of him. Earlier that day, just two days after the war, Mamoru had greeted her with the news that the university in America was willing to re-accept him in light of what had happened. She had no idea what explanation he'd given to them, but it didn't matter. The fact of the matter was, they still wanted him, and Mamoru was thrilled about it. He was leaving within the week, and she would be alone again for a good two years, at least. Was she willing to wait for him again? Mamoru hadn't asked, and she hadn't dared to bring it up.
"He didn't even ask me if I was okay with it," she whispered now, not bothering to make an attempt to stem the flow of tears. "I mean… I'm happy for him, but I…" She licked her lips and fell silent. No one knew about the nightmares that had plagued her for the past two nights. Nightmares that left her jerking awake almost every hour, screams caught in her throat as unshed tears welled up in her eyes and sweat dried sticky on her skin. Luna would have encouraged her to tell someone, like Mamoru or the other senshi, and she didn't think it would help. They hadn't been there. They didn't know what it was like to watch everyone you loved die and know that there was nothing you could do to stop it.
Seiya knows, a small voice whispered inside of her. Yaten and Taiki too. They all know.
'That doesn't matter,' she argued back, burying her face in her knees and ignoring Luna. 'They're leaving. They're going back home with their princess where they belong, and I'll be marrying Mamo-chan here on Earth where I belong.'
But that's not what you want. Not anymore.
'I'm not doing this!' Usagi thought frantically, digging her nails into her skin. 'Please, stop.'
You care about Seiya.
'Stop!'
You're in love with her.
"Stop!"
"I'm not doing anything," said Luna, staring at her charge with obvious confusion. "Usagi-chan, what's wrong with you? Do you want to lie down?"
Usagi just looked at her, torn between laughter and tears. She had denied it for so long and so well that everyone believed she felt nothing more for Seiya than friendship. Hell, she had been able to convince herself of that fact until the final battle, when she'd come close to losing the Starlights as well. Nearly losing Seiya had forced her to confront feelings she wasn't supposed to have - didn't want to have, especially considering she was bound by destiny and Seiya was leaving the next day.
'It's going to kill me,' she realized for the first time, unconsciously pressing harder with her nails. Her skin split, but she barely felt the pain. 'I can't… I can't watch her leave. I want her to stay with me. She knows what it's like… and Mamo-chan… He doesn't. He doesn't!'
"Usagi-chan!" Luna said sharply, moving past worry into fear as blood trickled down pale skin. "I want to know what's going on with you right now."
"I love Seiya." The words slipped out without her conscious permission. Usagi clapped a hand to her mouth as her eyes went wide with horror. Luna seemed surprised by the sudden admittance, but to her credit, she didn't seem overly shocked. She merely closed her eyes and sighed.
"I-I didn't mean that," Usagi said frantically. "Luna, you know I love Mamo-chan."
Luna sighed for a second time and padded closer. As gently as possible, she placed a paw on the back of Usagi's hand. "You're allowed to love more than one person," she said kindly. "Seiya is very important to you. It's natural that you two would have grown closer considering all that you've been through, and I'm sure Mamoru-san will understand."
"No, you don't get it. I'm in love with Seiya," she explained. Behind the surge of terror that she felt from saying those words out loud, there was a small but powerful jolt of relief. She had been denying it for so long, refusing to admit her feelings even to herself, but she couldn't hold it in anymore. Time was slipping through her fingers, and if she wanted to… if she wanted to what? Her thoughts stuttered to a confused stop.
"I was afraid that this would happen," Luna muttered, her tail lashing back and forth with anxiety. "Is this why you've been acting so strangely towards Mamoru?"
She frowned, a bit insulted. "I haven't been acting weird around Mamo-chan," she defended herself. "It's just… he still treats me the way he used to before he left for America. Like I'm a kid, not his girlfriend." He'd bought her a balloon shaped like a bunny that morning, and all she'd been able to think about was that little bear that Seiya had given her.
Suddenly invigorated, she used the wall to push herself to her feet and staggered across the room to her closet. Luna followed her, curious, as Usagi pushed clothing and junk out of the way to get at a box she'd tucked securely underneath a pile of old assignments. She fell to her knees and set the box on her lap, opening it with a tenderness she hadn't known she possessed. Two items lay on top. One was a little stuffed bear, pale pink with yellow markings, and the other was a large, star-shaped locket. Usagi ran her fingers over them tenderly, remembering the days that she had received the gifts with fondness.
"You used to like it when Mamoru-san treated you like that," Luna remarked behind her. "You said it made you feel treasured."
"That was then." 'Before I knew how Seiya would treat me,' she thought, unable to stop herself. It was a little mean, but Seiya acted like there was no reason that Usagi couldn't be taken as an adult. She rarely coddled Usagi the way the senshi and Mamoru did, always raising an eyebrow during her more childish moments. Her cheeks flushed as she picked the bear up and cradled it in her palm. 'Seiya makes me feel like… like an adult. Like a woman.'
"Usagi-chan, I'm not sure I like where this is going." Crimson eyes narrowed in concern. "You're not thinking of…"
The unspoken words lingered between them. Usagi licked her lips again. "No, of course not," she lied. Alright, so once in a while, she'd indulged in the occasional daydream of what it might be like to be with Seiya if the Starlights remained on Earth. But she would never actually do anything.
Right?
That's what you want, said that small voice. You want to break it off with Mamoru and be with Seiya.
'No, that's not what I want,' she thought furiously, picking up the Star Locket. 'I have an important destiny with Mamo-chan. Chibi-Usa and Crystal Tokyo are waiting for me.' And gods, wasn't that a tiring thought, not comforting like it used to be.
How do you know? The future isn't set in stone. That's impossible.
'I do know! Setsuna-san would have told me otherwise.'
Are you sure about that?
Usagi went to argue and stopped, realizing that no, she wasn't. Not at all. She'd never doubted that Setsuna was loyal to her, but Sailor Pluto was a different story entirely. The lonely guardian was dedicated above all else to her post at the Time Gates, and she couldn't help remembering the way Setsuna had looked before the final battle began: as worried and frightened as the rest of them had been. Something bitter curled in her stomach as doubt began to spread through her for the first time. Maybe she was wrong. Did Setsuna really know what the future held? Was it written in stone? Or was Crystal Tokyo a possibility that had been at the time, but was no more? Without Chibi-Usa, how could she be sure? Maybe the child no longer existed at all. Maybe it was too late, and she was fooling herself, giving up on what she really wanted for something that no longer existed.
"Oh my god," she whispered, doubling over.
"What's wrong? Usagi-chan?" Luna leapt towards her.
"Luna, I'm not sure of anything anymore," she sobbed. "Why do I feel this way? Why can't I make myself be happy with Mamo-chan? Why do I want to be with Seiya so much?"
"Take a deep breath, Usagi-chan, alright? You're becoming hysterical," the cat instructed quickly. "Listen, if you don't want to be with Mamoru-san, no one is going to force you into it, okay? We all want you to be happy, and if Crystal Tokyo isn't what you want, then there's nothing wrong with that." She rubbed her head against Usagi's knee. "My gracious, I had no idea you were so miserable."
Shaking her head, Usagi took several slow, deep breaths and felt her frantic heart rate subsiding. The dizzy, frightening feeling of suffocation passed in time. "Luna, I - "
"I think you need to talk to Mamoru-san, Usagi-chan. I'm going to fetch him. You stay here, alright?" Luna looked at her worriedly for a long time before she leapt up onto Usagi's bed and out the window.
For the several minutes, Usagi sat silently, her mind torn between two people that she loved very much. Neither one of them deserved what she was inflicting on them. It had taken every ounce of willpower that she had to say nothing in response to Seiya's anguished question. The truth was, Seiya was more than good enough for her. Seiya was too good, especially after Usagi had stayed quiet and acted like she didn't understand Seiya's true feelings. She covered her face with her hands and gave a dry sob. Both of them called out to her for different reasons, and she couldn't imagine choosing between them.
As it turned out, she didn't have to.
Mamoru showed up at her door about forty-five minutes after Luna left. He was alone, and he didn't knock, but came straight into her room. His dark blue eyes took in the scene, including the bear and locket that were still lying in her lap, and he sighed. Silently, he walked across the room and stood in front of her, then knelt so that they would be on the same level. She had lowered her head, hiding her tear-streaked cheeks, and two of his fingers tucked themselves under her chin and gently tilted her face up, forcing their eyes to meet. She was expecting worry or even anger, but what she saw instead was understanding tempered with resignation.
"I'm leaving tomorrow instead of in two weeks," he said quietly. "I probably won't be coming back." As he spoke, he lifted her hand and slipped the ring off of her finger. It was the first time she'd been without it since he'd given it to her and her finger felt oddly cold and bare.
"Mamo-chan, I - "
He placed a single finger over her lips. "Don't, Usako. Please. Just know that I love you, and I know you love me, and that's why I think it's better this way." He scanned her face intently, like he was trying to remember her for later. "These past two days… you've become a stranger to me. I don't know you anymore. And our future… The more I think about, the more I'm starting to realize that we want different things. So… Luna said… well, if you want to be with Seiya, then I want you to be happy." Pain flickered briefly into his eyes, but he smiled, and there was no anger or hatred that she could discern.
So he'd felt it too, then. Relief that it wasn't just her imagination flooded through her, coupled with relief that he had understood. Mamoru had always been like that, and it was on the tip of her tongue to thank him. But as he'd asked, she didn't speak. Instead, she leaned forward and kissed him; just once, a brief brush of their lips. It was a chaste goodbye that would have to last them both forever. Then he smiled, touched her cheek, and looked a little more lighthearted as he stood up and walked out of the room… and out of her life.
"Usagi-chan, was that Mamoru-san?" Ikuko asked, poking her head into the room a couple of minutes later. She studied her daughter and frowned. "It's awfully late for a visit, don't you think?"
Ignoring her mother's questions, Usagi calmly put the star locket back into the box and got to her feet. Her muscles burned and ached with the movement as she limped out of the room and down the hall. It was late, nearly ten, but she only had a matter of hours, and if she didn't act soon, she would lose both of them. Her mother called after her as she left the house, but she paid no attention. After months of denying herself and agonizing over what the future would bring, Mamoru had made the decision for her in a matter of minutes, and all that was left was to see if she was still wanted elsewhere.
Nerves stopped her briefly outside their apartment building, and she hesitated, but she knew that if she waited, she would never continue. Trembling, Usagi took the elevator up to the tenth floor and staggered down the hall. She leaned heavily against the door as she raised a hand and knocked. By the time the door opened, she didn't even have enough strength left to stop herself from falling into the arms of the unfortunate person who opened it. Her sudden weight nearly sent both her and Yaten tumbling to the ground; the other girl only just barely managed to catch them by jamming her shoulder into the doorframe as she yelled for Seiya.
"Yaten, what - oh my Stars, Odango?" Seiya's startled cry rang out seconds before warm hands gripped her shoulders and helped to heft her weight off of Yaten. The three of them sank to the ground in a tangle. "Taiki, quick. Go get a glass of cold water."
"I'm okay," Usagi managed to say, forcing her eyes open. "It just - hurts."
"You fainted," Seiya said, looking at her like she was crazy. "That's not okay!"
She was seconds away from arguing, but she never got the chance. Like a sweeping wave of calm, Princess Kakyuu entered the room and surveyed the scene with a raised eyebrow. Seiya and Yaten, who were both kneeling on the floor, and Usagi, who was sprawled across both their laps, and Taiki, who was rushing in with a glass of water and a cold cloth, all looked up at her together like naughty children who had been caught doing something wrong. Her lips curved in a knowing and slightly wistful smile as she returned Usagi's gaze alone.
"Hello, Serenity. You have excellent timing," she observed. "I was just about to ask my Starlights whether or not they wanted to come back to Kinmoku with me."
"What?" Taiki exclaimed.
"Princess - " Yaten began.
Kakyuu quelled them both with a glance as Usagi's heart found a new home in her throat. Kakyuu knew. What she'd successfully hidden for months from everyone, in a single glance, had been revealed. The other princess had correctly accessed and understood the situation and she found herself fumbling to explain. "Princess Kakyuu, I…"
"I understand. I knew it was happening," Kakyuu admitted, cutting her off. "I could feel it coming while I was watching over you, and I figured that you would come before we left. I would have been disappointed if you hadn't. There's no need to explain things to me, Serenity."
"How about explaining things to the rest of us?" Seiya suggested, raising an eyebrow.
"Seiya…" Usagi struggled to sit up. Her heart was pounding again, and she knew that things were happening very fast - in the span of an hour, she'd given up on her prince and destiny, and now she was hoping to gain something even better – but she had no desire to slow things down. After months of denial, she was so close. "You're more than good enough."
For a split second, confusion flickered in Seiya's eyes. It was replaced by understanding and then shock. "Odango… what?"
"I love you," she breathed, reaching up a hand and touching Seiya's cheek. It was nothing short of thrilling to be able to finally say that out loud. "I love you so much. I denied it for all those months because my heart wasn't mine to give. Now it is. I'm sorry I made you suffer, and I would understand if you didn't want to be with me now, but… Please, Seiya, will you stay with me here on Earth?"
Seiya looked thunderstruck. "Odango…"
"I want all of you to stay." Looking away from Seiya, she glanced at Taiki and Yaten. "I… you understand… when no one else does. Minako-chan and Ami-chan… I know they too…"
Yaten's cheeks darkened with a pink flush, and Taiki looked unsettled. "Our princess…"
"It is your choice," Kakyuu said quietly, correctly interpreting their hesitation. "I wish that you would come home with me, but the friendships that you have formed here are dear to your hearts. You have helped me to save our planet… and if you would rather remain here, I will not begrudge you that choice."
"I don't understand." Seiya sat back slightly and ran a hand that shook through her hair. "You were so happy when your boyfriend returned."
"Of course I was. He disappeared for months and I didn't know what happened to him, and then I found out he was dead," Usagi answered. She didn't blame Seiya for being stunned, and she was starting to regret having acted so impulsively. It would have been better to have approached Seiya in the morning, when she wasn't tired and aching and she had an actual plan. But it was too late to turn back. "I still love him, Seiya. What we shared is a part of me. But… I can't forget about you, and that's not fair to him. During the final battle, I was happy that you were with me." A small smile graced her lips as she closed her eyes. "I knew I could go on as long as you were there. You became everything to me at that moment." Opening her eyes, she looked up at Seiya. "But if you want to go home… that's okay. I understand that I've sprung this on you unexpectedly. I'll still love you."
Slowly shaking her head, Seiya glanced from her to Kakyuu, a silent struggle visible in her face. "Odango… I never thought you… I thought I would be leaving tomorrow," she said finally.
Usagi's breath caught. "Does that mean you'll stay with me?" she asked, hardly daring to hope.
Seiya looked at her princess.
Kakyuu nodded.
"Yes, I'll stay with you, Odango," Seiya murmured at last, confusion finally giving way to dawning joy. "You're everything I've ever wanted." She reached out and pulled Usagi into her arms, holding the blonde close. Usagi wrapped her own arms around Seiya, ignoring the way her muscles ached at the move, and held on tightly.
"And you two?" Princess Kakyuu asked, looking at her other two Starlights.
Yaten and Taiki looked at each other, and then at Seiya and Usagi.
The next evening at sunset, Princess Kakyuu departed for Kinmoku alone. Usagi, Seiya, Yaten, Minako, Ami, Taiki, Rei and Makoto watched her leave. The other girls had been understandably shocked by the sudden change in plans, and stunned when Usagi revealed that she and Mamoru were over for good, but they'd taken it remarkably well considering that their sure fire future was now a mystery. Rei in particular had only given a small, secretive smile and patted Usagi on the arm when she heard; she'd seen it coming from a mile away, and she wasn't really that surprised by the turn of events.
"I can't believe this," Yaten remarked, shoving her hands in her pockets. Minako was clinging to her arm, but she didn't seem to mind. "I can't believe we chose to stay."
"You're welcome to leave," said Seiya, wrapping an arm around Usagi's shoulders. "But I'm not. I'm staying right here."
"Where you belong." Usagi giggled as she looked up at Seiya with love in her eyes. Even the strain from standing up was nothing compared to the huge weight that had fallen off of her shoulders. It had been hard to watch Mamoru leave that morning, but he'd gone off with a smile on his face, knowing that she was being well cared for. And she finally knew what she wanted and who she wanted to be with - and as Seiya leaned down and kissed her, she and the little voice in her head were in full agreement: she had definitely made the right decision.
The End
Please review!