Disclaimer: I still don't own HIMYM.

A/N: I am so, so sorry for being so far behind with Dear Diary; I'm working on the next chapter as we speak, but it's coming along very slowly. HIMYM has been frustrating me a lot lately. It can't seem to decide how it wants to paint Barney, Robin, and their relationship, and the consequent inconsistencies are driving me insane. So while I work on DD, here's a little something that's been brewing in my head ever since I saw 8x17: "The Ashtray." Undoubtedly this isn't how events are going to play out in canon, but I want the HIMYM universe to make a little more sense than it has been recently. Hence this fic, which will eventually be about 2-4 chapters in total. Enjoy!

Warning: contains mild spoilers for the upcoming episode 8x18: "Weekend at Barney's."

Chapter One

February 2013

"Jeannette and I broke up," Ted announced as he took his seat at the bar.

"Finally!" Marshall exclaimed. "I mean, you needed to get that craziness out of your system, but I thought you guys were gonna be over weeks ago."

"Shut up," Ted moaned, face buried in his hands.

"Aww, really?" Robin asked in mock devastation. "Are you sure you two are through? I mean, she seemed so nice."

"Shut up," Ted muttered, laughter creeping into his tone.

"I know just how to cheer you up!" Barney proclaimed, straightening in his seat at the booth.

He'd been waiting ages for just such an occasion.

Reaching into his suit jacket, he pulled out a wrapped book and handed it to Ted.

"Open it! Open it!" he said, bouncing up and down in place.

Ted slowly unwrapped the book, making sure not to tear or crease the paper.

"Seriously, Ted, sometime before doomsday would be nice," Lily put in in exasperation.

"Fine!" Ted snapped, and ripped off the rest of the wrapping paper.

Everyone stared at the leather-bound, gold-embossed book.

On its cover and spine were stamped two very familiar words: The Playbook.

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[Theme song and opening credits begin to play.]

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"No, your eyes do not deceive you!" Barney proclaimed. "It is… the one, the only, the incredible Playbook! We're gonna catch you the girl of your wet dreams, Teddy boy."

As everyone continued to stare at him in disbelief, he pried Ted's fingers off the book and added, "Sorry, Bro, but you don't get to actually keep the Playbook. I just wrapped it up to make you feel better."

A faint hiss from his side warned him that Robin was taking in a deep breath.

Bad sign.

"Excuse us, everyone," Robin suddenly told Marshall, Lily, and Ted through gritted teeth. "Barney and I need to have a little talk. Lily, could I borrow the keys to your guys' apartment?"

Wordlessly, Lily handed over her set of keys.

Barney waggled his eyebrows in innuendo – hey, gotta keep up appearances – and followed Robin up to the second floor.

The instant the apartment door closed behind them, Robin started in on him.

"The Playbook?" she spat in a lowered voice. "Really?"

"Awesome, right?" Barney said brightly, hoping against hope that she'd come around to his point of view.

"Not awesome," Robin said, face dark with displeasure. "I want you to get rid of it."

"What? No. The Playbook's like family, Robin, and you don't just get rid of family," Barney insisted. "Even if they're smelly and old, you still can't just throw them out on the street."

"Get rid of the Playbook," Robin repeated slowly, venom dripping from every syllable.

"No! Why are you so worked up about this, anyway?" Barney asked, voice rising. "It's not like I'm using it for me."

"I'm 'worked up' because you told me that you burned that thing," Robin said tightly, volume increasing to match his. "You lied to me, Barney. And if you lied about that –"

"– Oh, don't you get all high and mighty with me," Barney snapped. "Remember a certain night in a certain bar when a certain lady didn't keep her word?"

"And I regret that – you know how much I regret that – but I can't change it," Robin snapped back. "Besides, that's different."

"Really," Barney scoffed. "Enlighten me, Robin, 'cause from where I'm sitting my offense is much less. And I did burn the Playbook; I just had a couple of extra copies on hand, that's all."

"That's a technicality and you know it," Robin hissed. "You said you didn't need the Playbook anymore, implying that we'd never see it again."

"A technicality perhaps, but still true," Barney retorted. "And I notice you didn't say how our situations are different."

"It's different because we're actually in a relationship now, you ass!" Robin said sharply. "We're engaged! And you lied about the thing that made me realize we could actually work as a couple long-term. If that wasn't real, then we've based this whole engagement on a foundation of sand."

She broke off and blinked back the tears beginning to brim in her eyes.

"How do I know what's real?" she demanded. "Was any of it real? You burned the Playbook, but you've got back-up copies. You say you love me and want to be with me – and only me – forever, and then you talk about traditional marriage being confining. You say that you respect me and then you say that my only purpose in life is to please you sexually. I just… I don't get you, Barney. And how can we get married if I can't trust you?"

Robin's words hit him like a physical blow.

And the blows kept coming.

"I'm 'worked up,'" Robin continued, "because you've been dreaming up plays every night this week – literally. Because you've been getting restless even though you promised me that that part of your past was behind you. You've been acting like you regret ever asking me to marry you!"

Barney's heart all but froze.

"But I don't regret it!" he protested quickly. "I love you!"

"And I love you," Robin said quietly. "But is that going to be enough?"

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[Commercial Break.]

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