Why?
He constantly asked himself this, almost everyday. He wanted to know.
Why?
And that's the point of this post. Here, are the notes of his thoughts from what he has told his therapist, and what he has wrote in his journal.
Monday, December 4th, 2017
He came into my office today looking weak, tired, and depressed. Although this may sound like something abnormal, he almost always came in looking like this. He sat down, and I asked him, "How are you feeling today?" I asked him this first everytime he came in. Again, he gave me the same answer, "Fine." I knew he wasn't. He's told me he lied to people like that. He knows that he's not Fine. I assume this to be a way of coping with loss. Telling himself he's fine when he isn't. He was wearing a lavendar sweater that looked loose on him and comfy. His legs bore black leggings with white triangles on them, a green plaid collar showing over the top of his sweater and around the sleeves and showing visibly from the bottom of his sweater, out stretching down to his leggings. He had dark purple ovals under his eyes, and he looked dull. I asked him, "Aren't you cold? It's december and snowing outside." He simply grunted. He didn't usually act like this. I was going to ask him another question, before he began muttering or, humming, in a better sense, "I'm a waste of life I should just kill myself I can slit my wrists but it can never help." I looked at him and asked, "Why do you say this, Jared?" He then asked me not to document the rest. Cease.
Thursday, September 13th, 2018
fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine I'm always just fine fine fine fine I'm not good I'm not bad I'm fine fine fine fine fine fine fine. Dr Jonathan told me not to lie to myself. I'm not lying. I'm not lying. I'm not lying. I'M NOT LYING. He told me to calm down when I get like this. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. HE DOESN'T KNOW. There's a rabbit in the moon. I bet you didn't know that. Look at that. Look at it. It's staring at me. It wants to kill me. Everyone hates me. I know it. I can see it when I walk by them. They need to stop. Stop. Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop. Please stop. There's someone trying to kill me. They're plotting my death. They want me dead. They hope I die. They know I'll die. It doesn't matter. I deserve it. I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it. I boarded up my windows and doors. They won't get in. They won't see me cry. Dr told me not to lie. I'm not lying. No no no no no no no no no no no I'm not lying. Everyone in this town thinks I'm crazy. THEY CAN ALL KILL THEMSELVES. FUCK THEM. They won't think I'm crazy when they're killed. Hahaha. Hahahahahahaha I'll go to bed I guess. I don't know what to do. Stop. Jared.