Theseus and the Minotaur Exposed

by SilentStep

Theseus and the Minotaur as it's never been done before. Well, if it has I haven't read it. A lot of craziness and randomness! With a thousand elephants! Please read and review.

1. Act I

Theseus and the Minotaur Exposed

(A/N:

Disclaimer: I don't own Theseus and the Minotaur, that's a Greek Myth. All the "dead, Jim" jokes belong to Star Trek. Many thanks go to my friends John, Caitlin, Paul, Chris, Sara, my teacher Ms. Huntley, and my sister Tamar, who all helped. I also don't own the toy aliens from Toy Story, they belong to Pixar. I don't own Mushu from Mulan. He belongs to Disney and the great Eddie Murphy.

Well, here is the Theseus Play. It may undergo changes still, reviews are welcome, constructive criticism appreciated, etc. Without further ado... enjoy.)

There actually are twelve characters in the play, but this is done in such a way that they can all be played by only four people, with each actor or actress taking three roles. The curtain does not fall between each scene, rather, the lights black out and come back on.

ACT I

Characters(in order of appearance)

King Aegeus: Actor #1

Theseus: Actor #2

Jim: Actress #1

Woman: Actress #2

King Minos: Actor #1

Ariadne: Actress #2

Daedalus: Actor #2

Minotaur: Actress #1

Female dancer: Actress #2

Male dancer: Actor #1

Soldier: Actress #1

Recording: Actor #2

(Scene: The courtyard of a Grecian palace. There should be large pillars, grape arbors, statues of gods/goddesses, etc., everything possible to make it look as stereotypically "Grecian" as possible. As much of the set as possible is being carried on as the curtain rises. The characters are getting ready: One could be going over a script, one trying to remember a line, one could be adjusting the costume, one being instructed by the director, all the kind of last-minute preparations that go on before a play opens. Only JIM, THESEUS, and KING AEGEUS should be here. Finally, everyone takes his or her place, and the actual play starts. THESEUS, KING AEGEUS, and JIM are standing and talking. THESEUS and KING AEGEUS carry sheathed swords.)

JIM(to KING AEGEUS): Sir, the, um, (glances at THESEUS) gift is ready to depart for Crete.

KING AEGEUS: That is good. Well, not really. Anyways, see to it that the, um, (glances at THESEUS) gift leaves for Crete at once. (A pause, while KING AEGEUS, THESEUS, and JIM all wait expectantly. When nothing happens, they all glance off right, look at each other, and KING AEGEUS resumes talking, pretending to ad-lib.) We're certainly having some very fine crops this year.

THESEUS(glancing backstage, also speaking as if ad-libbing): Yes indeed. A very fine harvest.

JIM(During this line, all three characters, including JIM, should be frequently glancing off right.): Oh yes, all this rain we've been having was really good. For a while I was worried that we might have a flood, but it was a very nice amount of rain. And an excellent yield of corn. Sweet and juicy. I like corn. Do you like corn? I think just about everybody here likes corn. Corn is good, very tasty. (Looks backstage, motions "come here" frantically.) Yes. Corn.

(WOMAN runs in, hopping on one foot and finishing tying her other shoe. When she comes in, there is an audible sigh of relief from the other three characters.)

WOMAN(puts her foot down, speaks immediately): Oh, King Aegeus, save my son! (pronounces it EE-jus)

KING AEGEUS(exaggeratedly noble): I'll do what I can- and it's pronounced AY-jis, by the way. What is the matter with your son?

WOMAN: He's going to be sacrificed to the Minotaur! Oh! (Faints dramatically. THESEUS catches her, staggers around a bit, then drops her. KING AEGEUS looks grave.)

THESEUS: What's a Minotaur?

KING AEGEUS(brusquely): Theseus, go to your room. Jim, will you take him there?

JIM(bowing): Yes, sir.

THESEUS(whining): Aaaaawwww...........

(End of scene one)

(Scene: THESEUS'S room. JIM and THESEUS are standing arguing.)

THESEUS: What is a Minotaur, for the last time?

JIM(frustrated): I'm not supposed to tell you! Aargh! Kids these days! Huh!

(THESEUS threatens her with sword)

THESEUS(screaming): What the heck is a Minotaur??!!!??

JIM(sullenly): All right, all right! The Minotaur is some stupid monster on the island of Crete.(closes her mouth tightly. THESEUS presses sword closer to JIM's throat.) Fine! Fine! But take that big sharp thing away. I have a phobia of swords at my throat. And what's more, you shouldn't treat such objects like toys. If you want to get information out of someone, there are methods other then threatening them. Such as promising them chocolate. Hint hint. (THESEUS withdraws and sheaths sword.)

THESEUS: Fine, chocolate. (Game show announcer voice) If YOU can tell us what the Minotaur is, you geeeeet- A JUMBO CHOCOLATE BAR!! (Normal voice) Happy?

JIM: Yes, most definitely. Now. The Minotaur is a monster on the island of Crete. She lives in a labyrinth under the palace of Cnossus, home of King Minos. She's half a cow, half a person. She eats people, and King Minos makes your dad send fourteen youths, seven men and seven women, to Crete every nine years. The people are given to the Minotaur to eat. As long as this is provided, the Minotaur stays quiet. (THESEUS draws sword, threatens JIM again)

THESEUS(exaggeratedly nobly outraged): And you would pay this price?!?

JIM (slightly annoyed, speaks patiently as if talking to someone stupid.): Ok: Number one, like I already TOLD you, take AWAY the sword. It's all fun and games until someone loses a head. (THESEUS puts his sword away again.) Thank you. Number two: it's not exactly up to ME. Number three: if King Aegeus refused, King Minos would sack the city. One of the princes of Crete came here and was accidentally killed. So Minos uses this as an excuse, a sort of payment for his son's death. Let's imagine, shall we, that we refuse to provide this . . . sacrifice. (Sarcastically cheerful) King Minos rules Crete. Crete is much more powerful than we are. We'd all be killed. So, instead of fourteen people dying, everyone here would die! Want to choose that option instead? (Disrespectful) No. I didn't think so. Sir.

THESEUS: I'm gonna go talk to that woman. Where is she?

JIM: I think she is still in the courtyard, sir.

THESEUS: Good. (Starts to march out.)

JIM (loudly): Ahem?

THESEUS: Fine. (Hands her a jumbo chocolate bar. JIM unwraps it, and as THESEUS marches out, she munches, follows.)

(End of scene two)

(Scene: courtyard. WOMAN and KING AEGEUS are there. THESEUS strides in, exaggeratedly heroic and noble.)

THESEUS(exaggeratedly noble): Fear not, woman. I shall go in place of your son!

KING AEGEUS(screaming): Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! (Faints. Crashes to ground. Gets up, rubbing the back of his head.) You can't go! You'll be dead! Jim! (JIM runs in)

JIM(trying to sound cheerful but looking apprehensive): Y-yes, your Highness?

KING AEGEUS: You told him! You're dead, Jim! AAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH! (He chases JIM off the screen and then comes back in. JIM looks back in and sticks her tongue out at KING AEGEUS. KING AEGEUS puts his hand on THESEUS'S shoulder. Attempts to sound calm.) Theseus. Forget about it, okay? It's a terrible but necessary evil. Just- forget you ever heard about the stupid thing, okay? (Hugely fake smile)

THESEUS(Once more exaggeratedly noble): No, Dad. I cannot forget. I shall go in the place of this woman's son. Do not worry. I shall slay the Minotaur and return to you safely! (diabolical laughter) We go with black sails, but shall return with white sails as a signal of our victory! (More diabolical laughter. Lights are turned on and off to create the effect of lightning, sound effect of thunder. WOMAN runs to THESEUS.)

WOMAN: Oh, thank you, Theseus! (In high, squeaky, annoying voice like the toy aliens in Toy Story) I am eternally grateful! I am eternally grateful! I am eternally grateful! I am eternally grate- (KING AEGEUS stops her. She leaves, dancing like a psychotic jackrabbit.)

(End of scene three)

(Scene 4: On Crete. THESEUS is walking toward Cnossus. He no longer carries a sword. If possible, one or two large statues of gods and goddesses are grouped around a picnic blanket. They should not be heavy. This is very important. We don't want a dead THESEUS on our hands. Well . . . maybe we do. But he can have heavy statues fall on him when we're not around. If people know we put the statues there, it could lead to some awkward questions. But, anyway, back to the play: KING MINOS comes on left, strides up to THESEUS.)

KING MINOS: Hey! You! (THESEUS looks over his shoulder, turns to KING MINOS and points to himself)

THESEUS: Me?

KING MINOS: You're the only one except me in this scene, aren't you?

THESEUS(matter-of-factly): Well, that's only because we don't have extras. In the actual story, there are fourteen of us, but we only have four actors/actresses, and the two girls are changing costumes right now.

KING MINOS: I don't care. Aren't you the son of King Aegeus? (Pronounces it EE-jus)

THESEUS(exaggeratedly noble): Yes, I am. (angrily) And it's AY-jis!

KING MINOS: I don't care. You're going to be killed first, too, because I hate your father!

THESEUS: But there's nobody else to kill. There aren't any extra actors or actresses...

KING MINOS: AAAAAAAAAAAA! I don't care!(Doppler effect of AAAAA

AAAaaaaaaaaaa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- . . . as KING MINOS runs yelling off left. ARIADNE walks in from down left, looking beautiful. She flutters her eyelashes at THESEUS, takes a flower out of her hair and tosses it to THESEUS. THESEUS swoons dramatically, landing on the blanket. ARIADNE doesn't notice and keeps fluttering her eyelashes at the place where he was standing. Suddenly she stops, does a double-take at THESEUS lying unconscious on the ground. Looks at the audience, shrugs. Buries hands in pockets, walks off left whistling nonchalantly. The two dancers come onstage from opposite sides. Music begins. A dance follows, mostly ad-libbed. The female dancer should be doing ballet-like dancing, very traditional and graceful. The male dancer should be doing a more modern form of dance. The ballerina is eventually poked, and she gracefully and elegantly (etc., etc.) dies. After this, the male dancer goes to the statue(s) and pushes it(them) over to fall on top of THESEUS. THESEUS yells, and the male dancer runs off right, dragging the fallen female dancer with him. SOLDIER comes on left, stands the statue(s) up again and gathers up two of the corners of the picnic blanket. She drags the picnic blanket, THESEUS still unconscious on top of it, offstage left.)

(end of the very random scene four)

(Scene: A dungeon in Cnossus. THESEUS is sitting in the dungeon when ARIADNE walks in.)

ARIADNE(singsong): Yoo-hoo, Theseus . . . (THESEUS claps a hand to his forehead, moans.)

THESEUS: Ichy! Hey Cameraperson, can we do this scene over?

(A beep is heard, blacks out)

(Scene: A dungeon in Cnossus. THESEUS is sitting in the dungeon when ARIADNE walks in.)

ARIADNE(in a very ghetto voice): Hey! Thees! Whatzup, dude? (THESEUS claps hand to forehead, moans.)

THESEUS: Ariadne, you're really not getting this, are you? Cameraperson . . . ?

(A beep is heard, blacks out)

(Scene: A dungeon in Cnossus. THESEUS is asleep in the dungeon when ARIADNE walks in.)

ARIADNE(whispering): Theseus! Theseus!

THESEUS(waking up): Huh? Huh? What?

ARIADNE(slightly snobby about her title, and exaggeratedly dramatic.): It is I, Princess Ariadne, daughter of King Minos, ruler of all of Crete, granddaughter of Europa, wife of Zeus himself.

THESEUS: Oh. That's nice. Am I going to the labyrinth now?

ARIADNE: I'm going to save you because you're cute. (Afterthought) And brave. You can sneak back to your ship and escape.

THESEUS: That's okay. I want to go and kill the Minotaur.

ARIADNE: I'll see what I can do to help with that.(leaves)

(end of scene seven)

(Scene: In DAEDALUS'S study. It is a big mess. DAEDALUS is sitting at a desk, working on a pair of wings.)

ARIADNE: Hey! Daedalus!

DAEDALUS: One sec... almost done here... just gotta finish this wing...

ARIADNE: Daedalus, I need to talk to you.

DAEDALUS(completely absorbed in his work): Oh, thas' nice... one more feather...

ARIADNE(shouting, picking up a rubber chicken off the floor and whacking him on the back of the head with it): Daedalus!!

DAEDALUS(dropping the wing, looking around frantically): Wha? Huh? I didn't do it, I really didn't! I don't know how the boiling water got into the- (gets himself under control) oh, hello, your majesty.

ARIADNE: I need your help. Give me a blueprint of the labyrinth and a sword.

(End of scene eight)

(Scene: A dungeon in Cnossus. Theseus is sitting in the dungeon when Ariadne walks in. She is carrying a sword and a huge scroll.)

ARIADNE: Okay, Theseus, here's the plan. (She unrolls the scroll and tacks it to the wall, revealing a map of the High School on it, launches into extremely confusing directions. Who cares what they are. THESEUS looks lost.) Are you following me?

THESEUS: Ich Bin CONFUSED . . . (ARIADNE sighs, picks up blueprint, walks out. Comes back in. Carries ball of golden thread.)

ARIADNE: Okay, this a ball of . . . (drumroll) MAGIC GOLDEN THREAD! (Fanfare) Copyright: Daedalus, incorporated. (THESEUS looks at ARIADNE like she's from outer space.

THESEUS(with an expression of "What the . . . ? You're being weird." ): What am I supposed to do with a ball of . . . (drumroll) MAGIC GOLDEN THREAD (Fanfare) that is Copyright: Daedalus, incorporated?

ARIADNE: Tie the end of this ball of . . . (drumroll) MAGIC GOLDEN THREAD, (fanfare) copyright: Daedalus, incorporated, to the door of the labyrinth. It'll roll ahead of you to the Minotaur. Follow it in and roll it back up as you go out. After that . . . (she claps the back of her hand to her forehead in a very dramatic gesture and speaks in a dramatic tone of voice) it's up to you (dramatically extends her hands to him) to save us all! (Clasps her hands under her chin and stares of into space with a silly little dreamy smile on her face, then becomes suddenly almost bored, like "let's just get this over with and kill the dumb MINOTAUR.") Let's go. (They leave, camera zooms in on sword lying forgotten on the floor)

(end of scene nine)

(Scene: Labyrinth. Theseus is walking down the hallway, we see that he is following the MAGIC GOLDEN THREAD, Copyright: Daedalus, incorporated. It rolls ahead, possibly pulled by a string held backstage.)

THESEUS: I keep thinking that I've forgotten something . . . probably just my imagination. (The roar of MINOTAUR is suddenly heard. He tries to draw his sword but doesn't find it. Freaks out. Looks all over the surrounding floor. MINOTAUR runs in, roaring cheerfully, and THESEUS runs away.)

(end of scene ten)

(Scene: Labyrinth. THESEUS is being chased by the MINOTAUR, in and out of doors. For instance, THESEUS might go in one door, followed by MINOTAUR. Then THESEUS comes out of a door across the hall, MINOTAUR exits through the original door, etc., etc. Should be as complex & confusing as possible. MINOTAUR is roaring and bellowing very happily and excitedly this whole time. She should be tripping and banging into walls and closed doors quite often. THESEUS is finally cornered next to a large tapestry hanging on the wall, depicting scenes of toreadors. MINOTAUR advances. ARIADNE's hand reaches out from behind the tapestry and drags THESEUS through the tapestry, which then settles back into its original position. We hear a door being slammed. MINOTAUR begins to charge at the tapestry, hitting her head on something hard and unyielding every charge. If possible, it should sound like a wooden door. MINOTAUR draws back to charge again. This time, as she charges, we hear a door opening. She runs through the tapestry, which falls down on her head to reveal THESEUS and ARIADNE inside, THESEUS waving the red headscarf in the MINOTAUR's path. She shakes off the tapestry, sees the red headscarf, and charges at it.)

THESEUS: Toro!

ARIADNE: Ole! (At the last minute when MINOTAUR is about to hit the headscarf, THESEUS pulls it away, and MINOTAUR bangs into the wall behind it. This time, she rebounds, staggers, and falls over backwards. THESEUS & ARIADNE examine her.)

THESEUS(casual): She's dead. Let's go.

(end of scene thirteen)