This is a fic based on a Role-play which I'm taking part in. this has nothing to do with any of my previous fics and its slightly AU as Tonks and Remus are older but not together and Tonks is one of Lavender's best friends as she has helped her with dealing with being a wolf… and is just Lavender freaking out a little dealing with Full Moon coming up!

Hope you enjoy it.

Please R & R

Falling Apart.

Lavender was sat in her office feeling the breezes on her face, closing her eyes she thinks about all the things that are worrying her at the moment Full moon was fast approaching and as were her birthday.

Sadly both were on the same day, apparently the normal thing of having birthdays was no longer something she could enjoy, she was worried about Tonks as well, and her problems with Remus and everything else.

She sighed feeling drained and needing to get out of her, getting up from her desk she leaves her office and announces to her secretary that she was leaving for the day, half ran and half walked to the exit and walked to a safe place to apparated, finding an alley she apparated to her happy place.

The Moors.

No one knew of this place, not anymore. Her mother used to bring her here when she was a child, and ever since when things got too much for her she would come here to think. Taking a deep breath she took in the fresh wilderness air that surrounded her, kicking of her shoes she wiggled her toes in the grass and walked.

Thinking.

She was terrified.

Full moon was coming and she was more scared than ever, Hannah had convinced her to stop at the Leaky and now she thought it was a bad idea, what if she hurt someone.

She would never forgive herself.

She just wanted normality. To spend the day with Seamus and do nothing but stop in bed all day, but alas, her live had been ruined by Fenrir Greyback she was forever cursed to -this-. She reached the edge of the cliff and stood there.

Why did she even bother...why didn't she just throw herself off this cliff, she knew they would never admit it but she knew, she -knew- that life would be easier for Hannah, Neville and Seamus if she wasn't around anymore.

They would have normal lives and not have to look after a beast every month.

She totally understood Remus' predicament though she had been stupid enough to let Seamus in, she was selfish enough that she needed him, Remus has more strength than her, more resolve.

Surely it's easier to break a person's heart than to hurt than in an irreversible manner. She knew she was being stupid. Selfish. Insane allowing this to continue, but she needed him. She sat down on the edge of the cliff hugging her knees.

Scared.
Worried
Freaking out.

Maybe she should just stop here. Hide. Make things easier for everyone. She was a beast. A monster. And in 2days that would be shown...stopping at the Leaky was plain stupid.

She apparated by to her apartment to grab her owl Artiemus and a parchment and a quill and apparated back to her cliff.

To send Hannah an owl...

OWL: Han, thanks for the offer to stop at the Leaky but I've thought about it, and its far to risky, I could never forgive myself if anything happened to you or your pub or customers, I'm not at home so you can't change my mind, I'm save but I'm not coming back. I'm hurting too many people, it's easier this way. I love you Han. Please tell Neville that I'm sorry. Love Lavs.

Tears fell from her face as she sealed the envelope and gave it to her owl "it's for Hannah at the Leaky" she told her owl as he took off. Lying down on the grass she cried to herself. Hannah would probably hate her for this but it was for the best. She was being a coward and she knew she was. She couldn't help it.

She didn't -want-a birthday, she didn't want to have to celebrate it later, why celebrate another year as a monster. she sighed and sat down as her mind turned back to Seamus she wondered what to do about this, she needed him, she wanted him but she was scared, why on earth was he with -her-, he could have anyone he wanted. He could have someone whole. Someone who he could marry and have kids with, have a normal life, someone to have a future with.

She closed her eyes and just lay their in the grass, willing the world to swallow her whole to stop these thoughts cursing through her mind like wild fire. She knew she would go back. Eventually. She was too selfish, she needed Hannah, she needed her to make her feel better and be there for her.

She needed her best friend more than anything; she needed Seamus she needed to feel close to someone, to feel like someone cared about her, someone to worry about her and both Seamus and Hannah did this they were her family. She lay on the grass and just cried.

She was miserable and depressed and falling apart at the seams and no one was around to sew her back together