"You"

"Watched the winter fall over me

In a night of dreams

Stood under the frosted tree

Laugh when I remember how it seemed."

I watch silently as the sun sets in the horizon, painting the sky orange. Softly from where I stand, the wind whistles and rustles the branches above my head. The silence is merciful, taunting. I need relief like a blanket to protect myself from the winter breeze as I shudder, hug myself against the cold, my arms to hold me in lieu of yours. I lean against the bark, hopefully, desperately, falling to my knees—unsure of whether you'd come or not.

I need to know if the promises were real.

I remember you clearly, that afternoon in September. The first time our eyes met, the way you smiled at me playfully, then and there I knew you were the one I longed for—the one to fill the empty void in my soul—and in my naivety I thought my search for sheer, unadulterated love had been over.

It is in this very same tree, in which fate played its cruel trick, intertwining our destinies as one, where I wait for you patiently. I remember the smile that lingered on your lips when you kissed me and held me in your arms before you left—the memories are vivid yet insufficient to sustain me any longer.

You promised you wouldn't leave my side, promised. But you did anyway. Now you tell me forever is not far from our grasps, I need to know if you feel me or not. I need confirmation—silent reassurance that you still have me dear to your heart.

All these years, I kept vigil over my mine, willing it not to love another because I knew it would upset you. I knew it would shatter your hopes into a myriad of  splinters and I did not want that because I'd loved you. I'd loved you so much it bled, I'd loved you much that sometimes I question my sanity.

Is it obsession? Or a sick infatuation? I need to know if you feel it too. The raw pain that eats away my soul when you're not there next to me in these sheets, the nostalgia that drives me towards the pinnacle of lunacy when you withdraw yourself from me.

And even if you ask me now, if I love you or not, my answer still remains the same.

We parted—it's been long and I yearn for your healing touch.

"Thought that we were two

Called.

You said, who?

Still cry when I think of you.

You."

I blamed myself for allowing you to hurt yourself. You remained in the sheets that twisted your dreams into broken shards. You told me you despised the world, and told me I was only good till I lasted and now that I'm as stale, I wouldn't be of any importance to you. It was in your self-pity that you shunned me. But I loved you just the same.

I kept by your side even when you refused to speak to me—you hated the world that killed your spirit and made you a hero in the court. It was the same world that bred your dreams, offered you short—lived fame and glory. The self-same world that brought you and me together. I told you it you'd live through it, as long as you believed But you didn't.

You couldn't believe how things could get so out of hand in the blink of any eye. You wanted revenge, wanted redemption. Just the same, I stood by your side although you adamantly claimed the worthlessness of my expense. You were disgusted by the mere sight of me.

I tried to find the boy I'd loved once before in the blue fathoms of your eyes but with every spiteful word that dripped from your lips, you pushed me away till I could no longer recognize your face. We became strangers to each other, two hollow beings that never once shared so much as a glance, a common dream or love. I needed affection, but I knew it would only hurt me more. You tore me away from the happiness I was so used to. Now I lie in torment, reminiscing—somehow the fantasies could no longer satisfy me—and the tears roll down my cheeks. Even in silence, I will love you. 

"My confession is my own.

Saw you kiss me.

Didn't want to go home.

Stood under the barren tree.

Felt the fall come over me.

Felt you.

Who?

You."

I remember how you loved to kiss me in the rain. When the clouds rolled grey and the skies closed and dripped down upon us. We would stand under the tree, feeling each tingling sensation as rain comes trickling down our skin.

You loved tasting me wet, with my hair plastered against my face and you would wrap your arms around my waist securely, pressing our wet bodies together, aligning us perfectly so that we would be as one. You would smile and kiss me with such fervor passion that my knees would wobble and shake and it would be difficult for me to stand. I had a tendency to fall but you would catch me anyway and whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

Under this tree, when we were as young, you taught me how to dance. In the midnight twilight when stars shone their brightest like diamonds studded in the sky, you would twirl me around and around, guiding me with your hand in a singular rhythm as our feet pad against the grass beneath us.

The blades are sharp but not enough to stop me from dancing against the backdrop of your sweet song—the mutual silence we share in the night—that resonates within the confines of my mind. Only we can hear it because we love each other with a love that encompasses the boundaries of logic. They tell us it's wrong, but society's always like that, you tell me. With your reassurance, I am relieved.

Like magic coalescing from the darkness, sparks fly as we kiss and we tumble down into a heap on the hard earth. I thought the moment last forever.

I was wrong. Now I stand where we stood together, alone and dancing with breeze.

"Stay, go—leave me alone.

Stay, leave—I'm asking you please.

Love is the word you say.

But you won't say.

Love.

Please say.

That you'll stay."

It's been so long since I'd last seen you. You fled like a thief into the night from the tree with old frosted memories, our names carved around a heart. I miss you so much.

I watch the moon as it sits in the dark and reigns the skies. It is the very same sky we viewed together, in a time so long ago I can barely remember. I guess you might have forgotten my name anyway, so what's the point? You might have found a beautiful girl to replace me with and I'm sure you won't find it any difficult to love again. Memories are the only remnants I've got left. In any case, you won't want me anymore.

I'm still the same old pertinacious fool, waiting for you to come back to me.

And then you did. Somehow fate entangled our roads together. Though you did not come back not to me and instead of a heartfelt hello or a smile you came with seeping vengeance, the urge to mar the wall I've built around my heart, my comrades who I've learnt to co-exist with. I had promised not to love anyone but you; somehow you seem different and act different towards me. The boy I'd loved died long ago when my last teardrop fell.

I thought I could move on, but you—YOU stood there with your infallible pride and ripped apart those who'd cared for me when you were away, those who had warmed me in the absence of you. Those who had it in them to believe in a common dream, those who, despite the hardships still stood by me.

Those who were courageous enough to withstand the ordeals of their lives.

Compared to you, they are better.

But no matter what I told myself, I knew that my flame still burned.  

I hit you and you hit me back, with just gazing into your eyes I could see the contempt oozing from within you. What I want to know is, if you feel that unimaginable derision towards those around me or someone else? Me perhaps?

I need to know if you're still you. If you still want to stay. Please say that you'll stay.

Please?

Even if you were with another, I would care less. I just want to know you're there. I just want to see you smiling, even if not at me.

I just want to feel you near me; I need the comfort of your presence even if you loathe me. You.

You're all I need. Please tell me you'll stay.

"You're so good.

You're so bad.

You came to where I stood.

Made it all seem so sad.

Yeah, I stood under the lonely tree.

Felt the night sink over me.

Lost you.

Why?

Because of you.

You."

Now I wait here, sit on the grass where the memories creep unbidden into my skin. The tickling feeling of the blades beneath my palm reminds me of you. Who? You. Even though you seemed to have forgotten who I am. Even though you left me cold. You were the only person I loved and would love with endless continuity. They say the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.

I may not die happy when my death comes, but somehow a life that had endured love even though briefly, is better than a life without for me. I'll cherish the memories.

A soft tap on the shoulder jolts me out of my contemplation. And with moonlight splayed across your smooth features, your eyes lock with mine. You stand there with your hand extending down to reach for me and despite the years of misery you put me through, just thinking of our past love, I take it anyway.

We stand together with a claustrophobic distance set in between us and without warning, you push me gently to the bark of the tree, my back grazing against the rough body behind me.

I intend to push you away but your lips linger in my ear, speaking so softly it is almost inaudible. You tell me you're sorry. That you want me back and wish that things would be back to the way they were once before. You beg in front of me, falling on your knees.

The unshed tears cling to my eyes but refuse to brim. You lay your guilt on me, the guilt of your leaving me and hating the world—your fame, your mingling with bad company—you make me feel so miserable, so vile for thinking you didn't want me anymore. Then thunder rumbles at a distance and the rain begins to pour down.

"Stay, go—you've stolen my home.

Stay, leave—I'm begging you please.

Love is the word you would never say.

Love.

Please say.

That you'll stay."

The sincerity of your eyes is dimmed by the starless night, the timbre of your voice made vague by the rain dripping down. You touch my cheek and thumb the tears away and press your lips against me as I immerse myself in the reality of your caress, your skin sliding against mine. I want to know if it's another jaded dream.

I tear away from the warmth of your embrace but my feet refuse to leave the land beneath it. You wrap your arms around me once more, promising that you'll stay. But do you love me? I need to know. I ask you countless questions and you answer me without hesitation.

You tell me you love me. You tell me you'll stay forever. But I can't hear them through the rain; the water drips down salty on the ground. Our bodies entangle, the fabric of our clothing sticking to our skin. I feel your lips on mine and the silent reassurance that you'll stay.

But I need confirmation. Words you have not yet uttered for so long.

Somehow when you pull me closer and as we dance in the rain, throwing all shoes and socks, I know. The grass is soft beneath us, dewéd by the rain and you tell me.

"I'll stay."

You make me feel so bad about myself.

Italic words are from the book: Road To Nowhere by Christopher Pike