Once Again there

Mikan walked towards the school and hummed happily, still overwhelmed by the warm feeling the dream she had brought her. It became her habbit these past years that she fantasized about things and people she would never have. For example, she fantasized about becoming a super great secret agent, using her strong Alice for saving the human kind; sometimes she dreamed of being a popular movie star, traveling the world, and knowing many celebrities; and there were times she imagined having people that would never be by her side. There was her decased father, who she hardly remembered, but wished he would see her grow up. Sometimes she imagins he is here, laughing at her girly problems, but still giving her advice about what to do. There are of course other people she fantasized about. Like her past crushes whom she never told she liked them, and there is that one who broke her heart.

At first she was unsure if fatasized about these people, but soon she realized that it was harmless. She simply daydreamed about them, imagining how it would be if… But there was no possibility of feeling hurt after, because she actually got over them a long time ago. For a few months now, since she and her past crush started getting along again, she fantasized about him. Like, how it would be if they were a couple, or what might have happened if he did not do what he had so many years ago.

These fantasys made Mikan calm, because they meant she was all right, and she got along with the boy better. They talked like normal friends again, and there was no awkward silence between them if in the group of the same friends. To put it simply, they got along pretty well, and Mikan was glad about it.

She tried not to think about the horrible situation she went through years ago, the laughing and teasing. It was all in the past, and it was simply childish behaviour. It was all right now. They all got along. No hard feelings.

Mikan dreamed of spending some time with him as a couple. He was just like years ago and it felt great. It made her smile. She was sure this meant nothing.

But as she started walking up the stairss towards her classroom, her brain was already knowing it was not just a trivial matter.

In the middle of the saircase, she stopped, hit by the realization. She closed her eyes in frustration and opened them, a sour expression on her face. Her heart was beating rapidly and she put her hand over her chest, hoping it would slow down. Warmth spread all over her body and she felt her face blush a little.

''Dammit…'' she whispered to herself and continued up the stairs, her steps slowl and heavy. She knew this would happen. She knew. She tried to stay away and not think about it, but eventually, her mind caved and it happened again. She once again had a crush on him. She could feel the feeling spread all over her, making her legs wobly and she felt sad about it. It was like she just received the proof of being irrevocably stupid.

As stupid as one can be.

She used to crush over him a long time ago, but that was pure naivite. She knew better now, yet still she made the same mistake. She did not understand herself. Why did it happen again?

As she arrived on the next floor, she walked to her classroom and took a deep breath before entering. She would need a lot of energy to make it through today. She walked in with a smile and greeted everyone. She made sure her Alice was full on. She could not let it slip and give him a chance to read her mind. The last time she did that was a disaster.

''Morning guys.'' She sat down on her chair and looked around, receiving greetings from her classmates. Hotaru waived at her, but kept working on her invention, and that left Anna and Nonoko to talk to. They boys had a loud conversation about a game behind Mikan, and she could not be more glad about it.

''Here, I'm returning this.'' Said Anna and sat on Mikan's table, returning a book she boroved a few days before.

''Oh, you've read it? What do you think?'' Mikan smiled, curious about Anna's opinion on the book. She read it some time ago and she desperatly needed someone to discuss it with.

''Spoilers!'' exclaimed Nonoko and pressed her hands over her ears. ''I haven't read it yet. Don't talk about it!''

The other two girls laughed but did not say anything about the book anymore. ''All right all right. I read another one yesterday.'' Mikan started and told them about the plot. She developed a love for crime novels and she liked to discuss the bad guy psychological state behind it. It was simply interesting. To think about what makes people think the way they do.

''It's Abandoned. It's really disturbing, but fantastic – the author is great. It hit me hard in the end and-''

''You read crime books?'' Koko Yome suddenly appeared from no where and interrupted Mikan mid-sentence. Mikan looked up at him in surprise, a little shocked to see him, but quickly got a hold of herself. No need to lose control over her Alice because of a little surprise.

She nodded. ''It's interesting. Anna and Nonoko started reading them too.'' She continued as if her heart was not leaping out her chest like a mad animal.

''Are talking about the author Cody McFadyen? I've read the first two books too. It's quite sick.'' Koko continued and joined their conversation. Anna and Nonoko nodded enthusiatically, comenting on what they've read up until now, not noticing Mikan's foul mood. She was mad at this boy. And she tried very hard to hide it. Thanks to him she had learned how to play nice even if all she wanted was to murder the person in front of her.

It was not like she still held a groudge against him; it had been years since he so awfully betrayed her trust, but she still felt insecure around him. They were on friendly terms – they talked when needed and they co-operated when school was involved. They were also in the same group of friends and mIkan had had no problem with interacting with him like with a normal friend.

But he was not a normal friend. Never had been. She used to have a crush on him and instead of keeping quiet, he read her mind out loud in front of everyone. The children that they all were, laughed at her and made fun of her, and that time it had been the first time for Mikan to have her heart broken. But it was not just that. She thought he was her friend. Even if her crush on him had been something bothersome, a friend would not have humiliated her like that. So it was the act itself rather than the rejection that hurt her more and made her reluctant to trust him.

Over the years they have gotten friendly again. As much as one can call that friendly. As already mentioned, they had the same group of friends, so they had to interact somehow. Mikan accepted him as a normal friend again, but never trusted him as much. She had been careful around him and behaved like there was nothing wrong.

Only, they have gotten even friendlier these past weeks and she could not help herself but feel that familiar warmth in her chest once again. He was still the same as always, a little more mature and well-behaved perhaps, but still the always happy Koko.

It was horrible.

She did not want to go through that ever again.

Yet, here she was, looking at him like that again. She quickly averted her eyes and looked around the class, not joining the conversation between the three. Everyone seemed a little gloomy in the morning, still the majority kept chatting about what they did the day before. The boys were still talking about the game, while there was Sumire and co. gossiping around. There were of course a few leaning on their tables, dozing off.

''Mikan, what do you think?'' one of the three suddenly spoke up and Mikan jumped in surprize of being called. ''What?''

Koko grinned. ''I asked who do you think is better McFayden or Petterson?''

Mikan almost melted at the smile. She blinked slowly, forcing her heart to calm down and her brain to function. ''McFayden of course. Petterson is too obvious. Nothing new there.'' She responded and exhaled in relief. This boy made her far too nervous.

''Told you.'' Koko said to Anna and Nonoko. The two girls rolled their eyes and focused on Mikan again. ''You two have similar tastes when it comes to books.'' Nonoko noted.

Mikan played it cool. ''Petterson is last season. His stories aren't that mind wrecking. I can't do anything about that.'' Damn you Koko! She really hoped her emotions were not seen all over her face. Her heart was beating faster and she did not know what to say. She was happy and frustrated at the same time.

She did not pay much attention to the three of them, so she did not notice Koko staring at her intently.

Later that day, after class, Mikan was on duty. After everyone went home, she stayed behind and worked on the school journal. The school was quiet. There were not many people around. A few teens were still playing football outside on the pitch and a few had other sports going on, but more or les, everything around Mikan was silent. She was deep in thought as time passed and suddenly the door of the class room went open.

''Oh, you're here.'' Someone said from the door and Mikan looked up. Her heart almost leaped out of her throat. ''Oh… Hey, Koko. What are you doing here?'' she asked, holding her pencil a little stronger. The boy walked in with a soft smile on his face. Mikan gulped.

''I forgot my pencil case.'' He told her and walked towards his table where his pencil case was waiting. He put it into his bag and pulled a chair to Mikan's table, sitting opposite her. ''You're still working on that school journal?'' he glanced over the booklet and then at Mikan. She looked down to avoid his eyes and continued with her writing.

''I'm almost finished. Actually, I just write the conclusion and then it's done.'' She told without looking up. He nodded and let her work on that conclusion. Once she was finished, she closed the book and looked at him, not sure if she is prepared for this – being alone with him and all. It had not happened for years. He was gazing at her with a strange expression. It made her nervous.

''That's that.'' She said to end the silence and wanted to stand up, when he stopped her.

''Mikan… Can we talk a bit?'' he asked carefully.

She did not want to, but if she told him that, he would realize she was afraid of spending time with him. And after five years of carefully avoiding direct contact, this would seem a little imature. And it would prove she did not get over him. She would not give him that satisfaction. ''Sure. What's up?''

He gulped and now it was obvious he was nervous. ''I… Um… I…'' He disheveled his hair a little. ''I know this will seem a little… Stupid… and selfish I guess… And I'm pretty sure you won't quite believe me, but… I'm sorry.''

Mikan blinked. She was seriously confused. ''What about?''

''About that thing that time…'' he glanced at her, not able to read her mind.

Mikan took a deep breath. About that time… It had been years, but the memory was still fresh. She and Koko had been really good friends back then. SOmething like best friends, but there was this chemistry that made it obvious that if everything went all right, they will not stay just friends. They hanged out every day, told each other things they did not tell anyone else, and simply got along.

They were thirteen.

Mikan had been avare of her feelings for him, but kept it a secret from her friends. Her Nuclification Alice helped her that even Koko did not know. Yet… She was ready to tell him. That she had a crush on him. It seemed he felt the same. Her heart was beating so fast she was deaf for anything else. And not careful with her Alice.

Once she stepped into her classroom, she noticed Koko with his group of boy friends. They were laughing at something and Mikan knew she blushed like an idiot once their eyes met. She greeted them all and walked towards her seat, not noticing Koko's eyes on her. Or the conversation the boys had.

''I like Koko.'' She suddenly heard behind her and turned around only to come face to face with grinning boys and Koko who got the chance to read her mind. He had never done that before. They promised to each other not to use Alices against each other. He just broke it. In front of everyone.

''I really like Koko.'' The boy read out loud and only then did Mikan switch her Alice on. The boys laughed.

''Sakura's in love with Koko!'' they made fun of her and Mikan stared at them in shock. She felt the hurt spread all over her chest and blinked back tears. She quickly composed herself, pushing the thought of Koko betraying her trust to the back of her mind.

She rolled her eyes in annoyance and clicked her tongue. ''Of course I like him. I consider him a very good friend. Why would that be strange?'' She crossed her arms and shook her head in disbelieve.

''But you really like him – that's a bit more if you ask me.'' One of the boys made fun of her and Mikan's chest tightened. She held herself together. ''Well, I did consider him a best friend, but obviously this topic is too much for you shalow guys.'' She frowned at the boys and at Koko and walked to her girl friends. The group glared and spat at the boys and loudly badmouthed them for saying such things to a supposed friend.

Mikan went along, desperatly trying to hide her shaking hands and trembling lips. Only when she arriwed home, the door frimly closed behind her, did she let her mask of anger fall, buried her face into her hands and let her tears roll down her cheeks. The new feeling of sorrow and hurt grasped her naive and innocent heart, shattered from the betrayer she just went through; and she could not help but feel like trash Koko just threw away. Her mother found her wounded daughter in that state and hugged her, letting her cry out the sorrow.

And since then on, Mikan did not trust Koko anymore. She stayed in contact like a normal classmate, but the deep friendship was flushed away and with it the possibility of something more. Since that awful day, Mikan did not spend any free time with Koko alone – they had the same group of friends, so they did hang out, but not in the same way. Koko never reached out for her to explain or apologize and Mikan never asked. So as many other friendships, this one too became a dusty.

Now, in their last year of high school, Mikan decided to be more open with him again. It would be the last time she would see him, so she was not that closed up anymore. She was sure that her feelings were completely forgotten and let herself fantashize a bit about him.

The problem was these fantasies got the better of her and today, as she walked up the stairs, her heart reminded her that her crush on him was far from over.

And now he was here, apologizing.

She blinked. ''I don't hold grudges.''

Koko shrugged. ''I just wanted to clear this misunderstanding up. I behaved like a jackass and did a very stupid thing. And I'm sorry for that. I was trying to be cool in front of the boys, but I went too far.''

Mikan nodded, feeling lighter. ''I understand.''

''There's something else…'' he started, looking at her carefully.

Mikan felt curious and waited.

''I had a huge crush on you. I was mad for you back then. And I didn't know how to deal with those feelings. I never really got over it if I'm quite honest.'' He admited, his cheeks a little brighter. Mikan blushed and stuttered. ''Y-you like me? But it's been years!''

Koko shrugged. ''I just wanted to get it out. It's been bugging me for too long.''

Mikan was silent for a moment, not really knowing how to react. Her heart was running a marathon, but she did not want to get ahead of herself. Before she could say anything more, Koko spoke up again. ''There's also something else I'd like to tell you.''

Mikan waited.

''Once I hit puberty, my Alice developed. Beside thoughts, I started to hear and feel emotions from other people. It's like loud voices and colours mixed together.''

''That's impressive, Koko.''

His smile was sour. ''It is, but only if you're in control. I wasn't back then, and it hit me like a brick. It happened some time after that incident. Most of the time, I didn't know which thoughts and emotions were mine, and I wasn't really there with my mind until I learned to control it. That's why… That's why I never appologized to you back then. I was preoccupied with myself and suddenly it seemed cheep to say sorry after so much time passed.''

Mikan took the information in. It was a lot to take. She leaned back and stared at the boy she liked. ''How did you manage?''

Koko sighed, also leaning back. ''The teachers helped me and before they managed to make a control earing for me-'' he turned his head to show her his earing. ''I spent most of my time outside, away from people to avoid a mind crash.''

Mikan nodded, smiling simphatetically. ''It must have been hard for you. So your Alice became very strong. What do the others say about it?''

Koko smiled shepishly. ''They don't know. No one does. I didn't want to make them feel insecure around me, because… Well… Thoughts are something, but emotions… That's a little more serious.'' He admited and Mikan understood. Having your emotions read was not funny anymore.

Then she got confused. She looked at him. ''Why are you… I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm happy you told me all this. But why now? Why… Now?''

Koko looked at her, his expression insecure for a moment. With his hand he went through his hair and sighed. ''I hope this goes well…'' he muttered. ''I told you because… Today, in classroom, as we talked about those books…''

Mikan nodded, encouraging him to keep going.

''Your Alice was switched off.'' Now it was him who waited.

Mikan blinked in confussion. Her Alice was switched off? What did that have to do with-… Oh no… She realized what had happened. She visibly paled.

He was able to feel emotions now. If her barrier had been open, he had been able to-

The chair fell back with a loud bang as she stood up abruptly. For a second she stared at him in shock, he stared back in the same way. Before he could explain anything else, she grabbed her bag and rushed out of the class room.

''Mikan!'' he called after her and rushed behind.

Mikan was quickly walking down the stairs – the same ones she was standing on as she realized she liked him again – confused and hurt all over again. This was too much. Did he just play her once again? Did he just use her feelings against her to make her forgive him and then break her once again?

''Mikan, wait!'' he was behind her, his steps echoing. Breathing hard, Mikan almost flew out of the building and was already walking through the school park to reach the gate. Koko caught her arm and stopped her.

''Let go!'' Mikan screamed and pushed him away. He almost lost his balance, but he quickly caught himself and grabbed her arm once again. She could not escape.

''Please, please, please hear me out!''

Mikan's face was flushed in anger and hurt and she had tears in her eyes. She could hardly control herself, her whole body shaking. ''Let go of me, Kokoro Yome.'' She demanded.

Koko shook his head, pulling her closer. ''Please let me explain. I told you all this because I thought I had a chance now. We weren't close anymore and I thought this time… That this time I had a chance…'' he noticed she calmed down, but avoided his eyes. He sighed shakily, and looked at her as if in pain.

''I know I'm taking advantage of this, but I didn't know what else to do. I-'' he gulped. ''You've been the only girl I ever liked in that way. I wasn't able to move on. I just…'' he went over his face with his free hand. ''I like you Mikan. I'm seriously in love with you. I can't keep it in anymore.''

His shoulders saged and he let go of her hand. He sat down on the bench beside them and leaned back, staring into the sky, waiting for her to walk away. Which he would deserve, of course.

After a long time of silence, he heard her move and sit down next to him. He looked at her. She seemed deep in thought, her expression distant. She did not say anything for a long time. She wanted to ask him if he was joking, but the waight of his words was too much to take it that lightly. She was not one to hurt a person like that. She simply was not.

''I know it's cheep of me to come out now, only after I read your thoughts and emotions, but I didn't know what else to do. We weren't talking anymore and I was desperate. I just… I just hoped that maybe… I don't know… I just wish the two of us could be-''

''Koko.'' She interupted and he looked at her. She slowly turned her face towards him. She opened her mouth to say something but no words came out. She closed it and opened it again, but she did not have words to say. Once she realized he was staring at her, she blinked as if just waking up and blushed.

''Y-you… um… You seriously like me?'' she stuttered and Koko nodded. ''I'm a lost case, I guess.'' He admited and waited. He was very nervous.

Mikan sighed and went with her hand through her hair. ''Well… You already know I'm crushing over you again and-''

''Again?'' he seemed confused.

Mikan was too. ''Yeah. Back then, you guys were right. What you read in my mind was true. I was in love with you.''

''But you said you considered me as a best friend.'' He asked desperatly, realizing that he messed up really bad.

''You were my best friend. And it was true. I just didn't want to admit that I liked you more than a friend. I was too hurt.'' She admited, smiling shepishly.

Koko groaned. ''So all this time… I was such an idiot…''

''You were, yes. But it's all out now.'' Mikan told him and watched him. He gazed at her, emotions displayed all over his face. He slowly reached for her hand and carefully took it. He played with her fingers. ''Would you… Would you mind going out with me sometime? As in… as in something more than friends?'' he asked carefully, avoiding her eyes.

Mikan thought about it. They grew out of their old grudge, so why not? She squeezed his hand back and he looked up. She smiled. ''I'm still into Howalons.''

Koko smiled like mad. ''Really? I know a cafe where they sell Howalons and other sweets.''

Mikan nodded. ''Then, when could you show it to me?''

''Now.'' He practically launched, but slowed down. ''If- if you've got time, of course.''

Mikan watched him, looking at him like he were beautiful. ''Yes. Yes I've got time.''