Indecision
I hate night time. All the humans sleep, and I sit in the tree, watching. I don't sleep that much, because I don't need it. And the hours seem endless. I hate it, because it gives me time to think about things I don't want to think about. I hate thinking. It only leads to things that are unimportant, stupid... hurtful. Memories I don't want to see.
Kagome's still awake. Writing in some book using that light thing she has. It's from her world... doesn't use fire or anything. I know where this is going. Everytime I see her face, I'm reminded of why I can't...
Kikyo.
It's a name that always brings back memories, whether good or bad. But with me, they are almost always bad...
Naraku... the one who tricked us, did it only because of Onigumo's desire for Kikyo. He was too selfish and cruel, and he tore us apart to apease himself. But... Kikyo ruined his plan. She chose to die with me. She died for me.
She loved me that much. She wanted to be with me that much. But now, when I touch her... she hates it. Kikyo, do you love your hate more than you love me?
She said she loved me... but she also said she loved her hate for me. And she's changed.
She's full of hate, and jealousy... she won't let either go. She's cold, cruel... She used my feelings as a base... to determine Naraku's moves. She told me that, that night, when I decided. I chose her.
I chose her over the one who was watching us.
I hadn't even paid enough attention to catch Kagome's scent. And she was there... that was the second time she had to watch me and Kikyo together.
She ran from me. She probably couldn't stand it. Hell, if I saw her with that damn Kouga...
Damn. I don't have a right to be jealous, do I? I broke that wench's heart, and even told her I couldn't be with her... And I still can't let her be with anyone else? Keh, maybe they're all right. Maybe I am just a selfish bastard.
Kagome.
Her scent is so different from Kikyo's. At first... you think they're the same. But Kikyo... it's different. Kagome's is so much lighter, more graceful. It doesn't announce her presence as dramatically as Kikyo's, it just calls out...
But that scent... Kagome's... it's always traced with anger or sadness. I hate it. Kikyo's is just angry and sorrowful... I hate that part of both their scents. I can only make one of them happy again.
I hate that more.
And with Kagome, the bad memories are not nearly as large. The only bad ones are of how hurt she was... every time I went to Kikyo.
I promised Kikyo. I said I'd go to hell with her, if she couldn't stay in this world. Kaede didn't believe me, and I don't think Kikyo does either. I think Kagome is the only one who really believes me. Unfortunately, she's the one who wishes the most that it weren't true.
Kagome chose to come back to me, even after she knew she couldn't have me. She just wanted to see me... And I wanted to see her. My resolution to be with Kikyo didn't stop the urge to see Kagome's face again. But I can't admit that, not to anyone, ever. If I did, it would just make me a bigger idiot. I already chose. I can't change my mind... hell, aren't I already selfish enough?
Kagome was the one who was loyal, always. She understood my feelings, and she accepted the fact that I couldn't be hers. And Kikyo is supposedly dead now, but when I heard she could have been alive, I went after her. And because I believed she was alive again, I almost lost Kagome.
And it scared me.
I told her I wouldn't leave her again. That I wouldn't run off if I heard Kikyo was alive. She told me I was lying. Damn it, Kagome! Why are you just making it harder on yourself? If you would just stay away, you wouldn't have to hurt so badly!
... But you know I'd never really let you go.
Damn.
I told Kikyo I'd go to hell with her; and I promised I'd save her soul. I haven't done either yet, and she could be dead.
I swore I'd be with her. I have to show everyone that I can keep my word. I can keep promises. And Kikyo deserves to have a promise kept. I want to be with her. I owe her that much. I owe her that desire.
But I want to see Kagome...
I can't have both. I've already chosen. Kagome knows that. I know that. Kikyo knows that.
Kikyo. Kagome...
Kagome... my Kagome, mine.
I like saying that... I shouldn't say it, even though it is just to myself. The bastard Kouga has no claim on her... I have the intent claim. He knows that.
But I made that claim before Kikyo came back. Now... now, I can't act on it. But who says I can't still have her as mine?
Ah, that's right. I do. Because I owe Kikyo, because I can't forget about her. Because I would rather go to hell with her and share her suffering than remain happy with Kagome... because the guilt.... it would eat me alive.
She died for me. I owe her my life. How can you live with that kind of guilt?
That's why I have to find Kikyo. I have to know if she is alive... if she isn't, then I failed. I'll have to live with that failure... with Kagome.
If she's alive, I'll stay with her... and I'll go to hell with her.
Kagome probably knows this. I wonder how she can't hate both Kikyo and me...? That baby... I could hear it all. She couldn't hate Kikyo, or bear a grudge against me, because she loves me. Then, why is it that Kikyo hates me, hates Kagome, and bears a grudge against both of us, if she loves me as well?
I guess it's like Kagome said. Kagome's heart is her own... And Kikyo's feelings are her own.
But does that still mean that Kagome loves me more?
Keh. Doesn't really matter now, does it? The only way I can ever be happy with her is if Kikyo is really dead now. And even then, I'd have to face Kikyo in the afterlife... and so would Kagome. I don't think there would be much of a competition then... It'd be Kagome.
I wouldn't be able to help it.
Bah, I'm going insane. Thinking on situations that would only happen under certain circumstances.
I've always known what was what. I knew that happiness was Kagome... but that guilt was also Kagome. Loss was Kagome. But loss, loss is also Kikyo. Sorrow is Kikyo. A bond is Kikyo.
And there are still more differences... I trust Kagome. I don't trust Kikyo.
I love Kikyo... I can't love Kagome. It's not something that can be allowed. Even if it's already happened... It would be yet another broken promise... Another promise to Kikyo I can't keep. I promised Kikyo my life and my love. I only promised to protect Kagome.
I wonder how she does it. Kagome goes through every day, here, with me, bearing every hurt. When I meet with Kikyo, I know that it only breaks her more. I don't know what runs through her head... but sometimes I think she assumes too much. It's like she's hurting herself even more by making up situations. But she's not that stupid...
I respect her a lot. For dealing with the bull shit Kikyo and I put her through. I'd go insane if I had to watch her get all sappy and lovey with some guy who isn't me.
There I go again. Jealous, as always. The proverbial Jealous Puppy. All he has to do is look at a bone or piss on a tree and it's his; and no one on earth can touch it or they die.
She's turned off her flashlight, and put away her book. She threatened to kill me if I ever so much as laid a hand on that book. Like she could kill me. But I can't help but wonder why she wouldn't want me to see it...?
Keh, I can't know. She's not mine, I don't have a right to her privacy.
Not mine. Never mine.
Kikyo is the only one that can be mine. Not Kagome, Kikyo.
I hate the night. Hate it. I hate thinking... now I'm just going to be troubled. I think about Kikyo, I think about Kagome... I think I chose Kikyo... I convince myself I have.
Will I really have to keep denying myself Kagome, just to choose Kikyo, when the other way around... it doesn't matter?
I made my decision. My decision was... right...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A.N. Whatever, you know? I'm just not in a very good mood... so we'll just leave Inuyasha undecided. Tell me what you think... I'm not all that confident about this tiny little one shot... but oh well, I tried.
I hate night time. All the humans sleep, and I sit in the tree, watching. I don't sleep that much, because I don't need it. And the hours seem endless. I hate it, because it gives me time to think about things I don't want to think about. I hate thinking. It only leads to things that are unimportant, stupid... hurtful. Memories I don't want to see.
Kagome's still awake. Writing in some book using that light thing she has. It's from her world... doesn't use fire or anything. I know where this is going. Everytime I see her face, I'm reminded of why I can't...
Kikyo.
It's a name that always brings back memories, whether good or bad. But with me, they are almost always bad...
Naraku... the one who tricked us, did it only because of Onigumo's desire for Kikyo. He was too selfish and cruel, and he tore us apart to apease himself. But... Kikyo ruined his plan. She chose to die with me. She died for me.
She loved me that much. She wanted to be with me that much. But now, when I touch her... she hates it. Kikyo, do you love your hate more than you love me?
She said she loved me... but she also said she loved her hate for me. And she's changed.
She's full of hate, and jealousy... she won't let either go. She's cold, cruel... She used my feelings as a base... to determine Naraku's moves. She told me that, that night, when I decided. I chose her.
I chose her over the one who was watching us.
I hadn't even paid enough attention to catch Kagome's scent. And she was there... that was the second time she had to watch me and Kikyo together.
She ran from me. She probably couldn't stand it. Hell, if I saw her with that damn Kouga...
Damn. I don't have a right to be jealous, do I? I broke that wench's heart, and even told her I couldn't be with her... And I still can't let her be with anyone else? Keh, maybe they're all right. Maybe I am just a selfish bastard.
Kagome.
Her scent is so different from Kikyo's. At first... you think they're the same. But Kikyo... it's different. Kagome's is so much lighter, more graceful. It doesn't announce her presence as dramatically as Kikyo's, it just calls out...
But that scent... Kagome's... it's always traced with anger or sadness. I hate it. Kikyo's is just angry and sorrowful... I hate that part of both their scents. I can only make one of them happy again.
I hate that more.
And with Kagome, the bad memories are not nearly as large. The only bad ones are of how hurt she was... every time I went to Kikyo.
I promised Kikyo. I said I'd go to hell with her, if she couldn't stay in this world. Kaede didn't believe me, and I don't think Kikyo does either. I think Kagome is the only one who really believes me. Unfortunately, she's the one who wishes the most that it weren't true.
Kagome chose to come back to me, even after she knew she couldn't have me. She just wanted to see me... And I wanted to see her. My resolution to be with Kikyo didn't stop the urge to see Kagome's face again. But I can't admit that, not to anyone, ever. If I did, it would just make me a bigger idiot. I already chose. I can't change my mind... hell, aren't I already selfish enough?
Kagome was the one who was loyal, always. She understood my feelings, and she accepted the fact that I couldn't be hers. And Kikyo is supposedly dead now, but when I heard she could have been alive, I went after her. And because I believed she was alive again, I almost lost Kagome.
And it scared me.
I told her I wouldn't leave her again. That I wouldn't run off if I heard Kikyo was alive. She told me I was lying. Damn it, Kagome! Why are you just making it harder on yourself? If you would just stay away, you wouldn't have to hurt so badly!
... But you know I'd never really let you go.
Damn.
I told Kikyo I'd go to hell with her; and I promised I'd save her soul. I haven't done either yet, and she could be dead.
I swore I'd be with her. I have to show everyone that I can keep my word. I can keep promises. And Kikyo deserves to have a promise kept. I want to be with her. I owe her that much. I owe her that desire.
But I want to see Kagome...
I can't have both. I've already chosen. Kagome knows that. I know that. Kikyo knows that.
Kikyo. Kagome...
Kagome... my Kagome, mine.
I like saying that... I shouldn't say it, even though it is just to myself. The bastard Kouga has no claim on her... I have the intent claim. He knows that.
But I made that claim before Kikyo came back. Now... now, I can't act on it. But who says I can't still have her as mine?
Ah, that's right. I do. Because I owe Kikyo, because I can't forget about her. Because I would rather go to hell with her and share her suffering than remain happy with Kagome... because the guilt.... it would eat me alive.
She died for me. I owe her my life. How can you live with that kind of guilt?
That's why I have to find Kikyo. I have to know if she is alive... if she isn't, then I failed. I'll have to live with that failure... with Kagome.
If she's alive, I'll stay with her... and I'll go to hell with her.
Kagome probably knows this. I wonder how she can't hate both Kikyo and me...? That baby... I could hear it all. She couldn't hate Kikyo, or bear a grudge against me, because she loves me. Then, why is it that Kikyo hates me, hates Kagome, and bears a grudge against both of us, if she loves me as well?
I guess it's like Kagome said. Kagome's heart is her own... And Kikyo's feelings are her own.
But does that still mean that Kagome loves me more?
Keh. Doesn't really matter now, does it? The only way I can ever be happy with her is if Kikyo is really dead now. And even then, I'd have to face Kikyo in the afterlife... and so would Kagome. I don't think there would be much of a competition then... It'd be Kagome.
I wouldn't be able to help it.
Bah, I'm going insane. Thinking on situations that would only happen under certain circumstances.
I've always known what was what. I knew that happiness was Kagome... but that guilt was also Kagome. Loss was Kagome. But loss, loss is also Kikyo. Sorrow is Kikyo. A bond is Kikyo.
And there are still more differences... I trust Kagome. I don't trust Kikyo.
I love Kikyo... I can't love Kagome. It's not something that can be allowed. Even if it's already happened... It would be yet another broken promise... Another promise to Kikyo I can't keep. I promised Kikyo my life and my love. I only promised to protect Kagome.
I wonder how she does it. Kagome goes through every day, here, with me, bearing every hurt. When I meet with Kikyo, I know that it only breaks her more. I don't know what runs through her head... but sometimes I think she assumes too much. It's like she's hurting herself even more by making up situations. But she's not that stupid...
I respect her a lot. For dealing with the bull shit Kikyo and I put her through. I'd go insane if I had to watch her get all sappy and lovey with some guy who isn't me.
There I go again. Jealous, as always. The proverbial Jealous Puppy. All he has to do is look at a bone or piss on a tree and it's his; and no one on earth can touch it or they die.
She's turned off her flashlight, and put away her book. She threatened to kill me if I ever so much as laid a hand on that book. Like she could kill me. But I can't help but wonder why she wouldn't want me to see it...?
Keh, I can't know. She's not mine, I don't have a right to her privacy.
Not mine. Never mine.
Kikyo is the only one that can be mine. Not Kagome, Kikyo.
I hate the night. Hate it. I hate thinking... now I'm just going to be troubled. I think about Kikyo, I think about Kagome... I think I chose Kikyo... I convince myself I have.
Will I really have to keep denying myself Kagome, just to choose Kikyo, when the other way around... it doesn't matter?
I made my decision. My decision was... right...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A.N. Whatever, you know? I'm just not in a very good mood... so we'll just leave Inuyasha undecided. Tell me what you think... I'm not all that confident about this tiny little one shot... but oh well, I tried.