Author's Note: So this is another OC story, this time I'm going to do something different and write a Sam/OC story. I've never done anything like this before but I hope you all like it! If you don't know who Beaudine is; read my story 'Silent Movie'.
So I saw in the episode 'Found' That Sam had a wife; and that in the episode 'Anonymous' he has at least two kids (Including a daughter), those facts aren't put in here because they just don't go with the plot line.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my Beaudine.

Sometimes it gets too much to bear. Sometimes it gets so hard, so intense that she doesn't know where to turn; what to do, nor how to get through it all.

She figures that the nights are the worst.
When she can hear her own breathing in the pitch black as she stares up at the ceiling. The window is slightly ajar so the nightmares can crawl in and consume her whole being. Just like they had so many nights before. The feeling of the blade in her skin is almost too much. The blade he presses in her; she almost welcomes death when she finds out about her sister's death.

She can hear the scratching of the tree outside on her window; the scratching she is sure will drive her slowly insane, yet she doesn't care anymore. She doesn't feel like she has anything to live for anyway.

Four floors up seem almost appropriate; leaning on her concrete railing. The large white concrete slab which separates her from the concrete ground below. How easy it would be to just climb on the wall and just free fall too the ground. She doesn't know why she doesn't, she doesn't think that anyone will miss her. Drawing one last breath from her only comfort, she threw the still lit cigarette over the balcony and walked back inside; wondering what was keeping her back.

He was there for her when her sister died, when she collapsed on the floor in a fit of tears. It was his arms around her, his voice whispering, promising that everything was going to be okay and that everything was going to get better.

Promises were made to be broken.

She can deal with the heartbreak she had endured over the past few months, she can deal with the worried looks the team throw at her, the way they stop talking when she walks into the room. What she can't ever deal with, something she can't understand is the sympathy.

The looks they threw her for weeks after her sister's death; maybe they saw something had changed in her; something had finally snapped.

Because she wasn't the innocent, happy-go-lucky girl anymore.

She killed without blinking an eye, she interrogated suspects without any thought on their emotions. She was the perfect NCIS agent.

Except she wasn't.

Because she wasn't Beaudine anymore. She wasn't the girl who would bounce into the office everyday with a smile on her face, her nails painted some bright and happy colour; no. She was changed, broken. Hallow.

Sam, as per usual, was the first one to notice it. Most likely because he was the closest one to her. Almost like her best friend. At first it was just the tears which would fall when the doors were closed, then it was her cool demeanour when she placed a gun in the face of a suspected terrorist and took the safety off, that was when alarm bells started ringing.

Nate was the first one to pull her aside and ask her if she needs to talk; which, of course, she denied needing. He knew better then everyone that she did need to talk; she needed to cry, shout or hurt someone. Because he knew she wasn't dealing with this the way she should be.

Sam comes by her apartment at least once a week; just to make sure she's okay. Just to make sure her cupboards are stocked, her bills are paid and she's eating properly. He sees her laundry in one corner as she sits on the recliner chair, her laptop on her lap and the music on the tv blaring though the speakers.

'Bo' He says to her as he steps into the threshold. He watches as she spins around to face him; dark grey circles under her eyes. She looks so different without any make-up on. He couldn't see the marks under her eyes due to the foundation she was wearing at work; but now...God she looked like hell.

'Hey Sam' She replied, closing down her laptop and sitting up straight.

She watches as he comes around in front of her and sits on the couch; leaning forward with his arms on his knees. He stares at her, as if he's trying to figure her out; yet she looks as though she doesn't want to be figured out anymore. There was once a time when he could make her smile, when he would say something and she would have a quick and witty comeback which would put even Callen to shame; but these days, ever since Alicia died, ever since she was held captive by her neighbour; all that seemed to go down hill.

She was broken.

He knew that there was once a time when she would take pride in her appearance, she would look absolutely beautiful; she would spend about an hour every morning putting her make-up on; picking out an outfit that was fashionable yet work able. Nowadays, she would throw on whatever she felt like wearing; not caring if it was still dirty or too big for her. He was worried about her.

Sam stood up and picked up one of her shirts 'When was the last time you did some washing?' He asked her, noticing her stare up at him with her large grey eyes; not seeing any signs of life inside it.

'I dunno. A while I suppose' She shrugged as she placed the laptop on the desk beside her chair.

'Have you talked to anyone yet?' He asks her; sitting back on the couch.

She can't breathe. Everytime she does it gets more and more painful. Like a thousand bricks sitting on her chest. Weighing her down, crushing her slowly.
'No'

'Why not?' Talk to me.

She doesn't know. Maybe because she feels like she's a burden. Like her problems are so small and insignificant that they're pointless. Yet, everytime she pushes them away; they crush her again. All her problems weigh down her life until she feels as though she can't take it anymore. So that simple leap from the fourth floor doesn't seem so hard to do.

'Because it's just so hard' Almost too hard.

Sam walks over to her and crouches down in front of her; his dark brown eyes staring at her; trying to find something on her face which gives away her emotions. He places his hands on her knees and gives them a reassuring squeeze.
'Why?'

Because I'm suffocating.

'It hurts too much Sam' Beaudine, for the first time in too long, allows the tears to fall from the back of her eyes.

Alicia died and she couldn't help but feel like it was her fault. Her sister being killed by someone because of her. She knew her mother blamed her for it; she knew her whole family blamed her for it.

Always hurting someone.

There was absolutely no doubt in her mind about that; she was always hurting someone. If it wasn't from someone taking offence to something she said, it was from her physically hurting them. Shooting them; breaking their hearts. And it killed her almost twice as much.

She wonders if there was a time when this wasn't everything; the pain was so constant in her mind, in the pit of her stomach that it sometimes felt as if she was going to be physically sick. There was times, more then once, when the knife in the second draw of her kitchen was that little bit sharp; and her wrists that little bit too welcoming, but she never could.

Because she was too much of a coward.

She'll never tell anyone that; because she's going to keep it all locked away; like she always does. She's going to keep her fresh, raw emotions locked away in the pit of her stomach because she doesn't know any other way to deal with them.

The grief was overwhelming inside her. She had never known someone's death to affect her as much as this one had. She felt like she was sick herself; like there really was nothing to get up for,

'I've got you Bo. No matter what' Sam promises her. His eyes telling her that he wouldn't have it any other way because, while he and Callen may be partners and best friends, she was the girl who, unbeknown to her, had stolen his heart away a long time ago. Before she became who she is now.

'It hurts' She whispered as she clung to his tight fitting red shirt; feeling him hold her back as the tears fell from her eyes.

'I know it does Bo. And I promise, I've told you this so many times, that I feel like I'm repeating myself with you' He chuckled slightly as she let him go and looked around.

She looked around at her apartment, empty cups, take-out boxes, and plates littered her lounge. A small pile of laundry in one corner of her house; she felt surprisingly empty.

He stood up and pulled her up with him 'Look, we want the old Beaudine Carter back. The one who could put both me and Callen back in our place with just one comment, the one who would spend a ridiculous amount of time in the bathroom because she doesn't think she's pretty enough without it; we want the old you back' He said; his voice was almost begging.

She swallowed the lump in her throat; she had never heard Sam beg for anything. And it was all because of her. She had reduced him to this; begging.

Because it's what you do. You hurt everyone around you.

She doesn't mean it; but she does it.

And sometimes that hurt comes back for her.

Some call it karma.

She calls it fate.

She feels as though fate is laughing at her; that some celestial being is mocking her every move. Making her suffer because they find it amusing to watch her hurt. To watch her feel so cold and so unbeing.

'Come back to us Bo' Sam pleads as he stares at the tears falling down her cheeks. He places his hands on either side of her face and whispers so softly that she isn't even sure that she heard him properly 'Come back to me'

She's so scared. She can feel herself shake under his touch. The suffocating feeling returns in her stomach and she doesn't know if she's strong enough to fight it off anymore.

I don't know how.

She doesn't need to say it; because he sees it in her eyes, the way she's struggling. So gently, as if she was about to break; he stroked her cheek and looked at her 'Please'

It was that last please that broke her down; she nodded and clutched her arms around his large, muscular frame.
'I'm so sorry Sam' She said as he rubbed her back up and down; reassuring her that she didn't have to be alone anymore. That he was going to be there for her no matter what, that he was there to protect her.

And; so carefully; she pressed her lips to his. So softly at first then harder. Her need for him became so apparent that he didn't know if he had the will power to push her away; he didn't want to seem as though he was taking advantage of her but; they had both seen this coming for such a long time that they both no longer wanted to fight it. They had been through so much stuff together; fought nail and tooth to get here.

And now they were.

Because he promised her that everything was going to be okay.

And it was one promise he intended on keeping.