Hello everyone! I wrote this after reading Allegients ending...it wasn't my favourite, so I thought I'd give my idea a shot and flesh it out. I've had this for a year or so and figured maybe some of you would want to read it! Please review, I'd love to hear your feedback. Thanks! Enjoy
CHAPTER
FIFTY-TWO
TOBIAS
THREE DAYS. THREE days I've been sitting here, staring at the wall. Staring at her. Waiting for a movement, waiting for a sound,
waiting for anything.
Cara says she doesn't know why Tris is in a coma. She suspects the death serum had an effect on her brain. Leaving something wrong, unable to let her wake from eternal unconsciousness.
When her body first hit the net, all I registered was a gray blur. I pulled her across it and her hand was small, but warm, and then she stood before me, short and thin and plain and in all ways unremarkable- except that she had jumped first. The Stiff had jumped first.
Even I didn't go first.
Her eyes were so stern, so insistent.
Beautiful.
CHAPTER
FIFTY-THREE
TOBIAS
SEVEN DAYS. I don't remember the last time I slept. I've gotten brief minutes, but I can hear her screams in my head and can't bear to close my eyes for more than seconds at a time.
The net wasn't the first time I saw her, I saw her in the hallways at school, and at my mother's false funeral, and walking the sidewalks in the Abnegation sector. I saw her, but I didn't see her; no one saw her the way she truly was until she jumped.
I'm scared a fire that burns that bright is not meant to last.
CHAPTER
FIFTY-FOUR
TOBIAS
HOW MANY DAYS have passed? Maybe ten? Maybe twelve? Maybe it's been years.
I don't remember where I'm going. Today is the first day that I've left Tris' room, except for the brief visits to the bathroom down the hall. I look around, I'm in the dormitories, giving Christina her privacy with her.
I don't remember the journey here, really, just a few smeared images and whatever sound I can make out through the barrier that has gone up inside my head.
I can't take being distant from her. I swiftly leave the room, finding myself immediately in the hospital wing again, not knowing how I got there. I open the door to her room, trying to go slow, but failing. I need to see her face with such a fiery intensity that I feel like I'm going to burn up from the inside.
I smile apologetically at Christina, who sits next to Tris' bed, clutching at her hand. Christina sniffles and sobs. I walk over and sit in my chair, the contours of my back molded into the fabric. I take both of their hands in mine, and let my head fall slowly onto Tris' shoulder, my arm resting on her stomach clutching to Christina's fingers. I can't hold back the sob that breaks through my mouth. I squeeze my eyes shut as tightly as I can, and I pray, like if I try hard enough, I will send life back into Tris' body and she will wake up and press a kiss onto my mouth.
I pray as hard as I can. Harder than I ever have.
CHAPTER
FIFTY-FIVE
TOBIAS
I'VE COMPLETELY LOST track of how many days it's been, since I saw her beautiful face, animated and alive. Since she wrapped her arms around me.
Most of the time, I stay with her in our new room, lying with her on the bed, staring at her face. I don't recall sleeping in the last few days.
When I'm not with her, and my legs start to fall asleep, I walk the compound hallways for short periods of time. I watch everyone else recover from the memory serum that altered them permanently as if from a great distance.
Those lost in the serum haze are gathered into groups and given the truth; that human nature is complex, that all our genes are different, but neither damaged nor pure. They are also given the lie: that their memories were erased because of a freak accident, and that they were on the verge of lobbying the government for equality for GDs.
I keep finding myself stifled by the company of others and then crippled by loneliness when I leave them. I am terrified that I'm so close to losing everything. That I'm so close to losing my Tris. I walk past the control room on my way back to her, and I stop to watch the city on the screens. Johanna is arranging transportation for those who want to leave the city. They will come here to learn the truth. I don't know what will happen to those who remain in Chicago, and I'm not sure I care.
I shove my hands into my pockets and watch the screens for a few seconds, then walk away again, trying to match my footsteps to my heartbeat, or to avoid the cracks between the tiles. When I walk past the entrance, I see a small group of people gathered by the stone sculpture, one of them in a wheelchair- Nita.
I walk past the useless security barrier and stand at a distance, watching them. Reggie steps on the stone slab and opens a valve in the bottom of the water tank. The drops turn into a stream of water, and soon water gushes out of the tank, splattering all over the slab, soaking the bottom of Reggie's pants.
"Tobias?"
I shudder a little. It's Caleb. I turn away from the voice, searching for an escape route.
"Wait. Please." He says.
I don't want to look at him, to see the man that nearly killed her. And I don't want to think about how she could still die for such a miserable coward, about how he isn't worth her life.
Still, I do look at him, wondering if I can see any kind of regret in his eyes, wanting to see if he even cares.
His hair is unwashed and unkempt, his green eyes bloodshot, his mouth twitching into a frown.
He does not look like her.
"I don't mean to bother you," he says "But I have something to tell you. Something… she told me to tell you, before…"
"Just get on with it," I say, before he tries to finish the sentence.
"She told me that if she didn't survive, I should tell you…" Caleb chokes, then pulls himself up straight, fighting off tears. "That she didn't want to leave you."
I should feel something, hearing her possible last words to me, shouldn't I? I feel nothing. I feel farther away than ever.
"Yeah?" I say harshly. "She's not going anywhere."
I turn to walk away from him, but stop. I turn around slowly to face him again. Glaring into his soul. "If she didn't want to leave me, why didn't she let you die?"
"You think I'm not asking myself the same question?" Caleb says. "She loved me. Enough to hold me at gun-point so she could die for me. I have no idea why, but that's just the way it is."
He walks away without letting me respond, and it's probably better that way, because I can't think of anything to say that is equal to my anger. I truly hate him, even though it was him who carried Tris into the surgery room and helped Cara stop the insistent bleeding. I hate him. I blink away tears and sit down on the ground, in the middle of the lobby.
I know why she wanted to tell me that she didn't want to leave me. She wanted me to know that this wasn't just another Erudite headquarters, not a lie told to make me sleep while she went to die, not an act of unnecessary self- sacrifice. I grind the heels of my hand into my eyes like I can push the tears back into my skull. No crying, I chastise myself. If I let a little of the emotion spill, all of it will come out and it will never end.
Sometime later I hear voices nearby- Cara and Peter.
"This sculpture was a symbol of change," she says to him. "Gradual change, but now they're taking it down."
"Oh, really?" Peter sounds eager. "Why?"
"Um… I'll explain later, if that's okay," Cara says. "Do you remember how to get back to the dormitory?"
"Yep."
"Then… go back there for a little while. Someone will be there to help you."
Cara walks over to me, and I cringe in anticipation of her voice. But all she does is sit next to me on the ground, her hands folded in her lap, her back straight. Alert but relaxed, she watches the sculpture where Reggie stands under the gushing water.
"You don't have to stay here," I say.
"I don't have anywhere to be," she says. "And the quiet is nice."
So we sit side by side, staring at the water, in silence.
"There you are," Christina says, jogging into the room. Her face is swollen, and her voice is listless, like a heavy sigh. "Come on, it's time. They're unplugging him."
Shuddering at the word, I look back down into Tris' face, weighing the chances of her waking up while I'm away for the next few minutes. I lean in and kiss her forehead, getting up and following Christina out of the room. Hana and Zeke have been hovering over Uriah's body since we got here, their fingers finding his, their eyes searching for life. But there is no life left, just the machine beating his heart.
It terrifies me to know of the possibility of Tris not waking up- I halt myself immediately. She'll be fine. She'll be fine, I repeat over and over. I can't honestly say that I believe it though.
Cara walks behind Christina and me as we go toward Uriah's room. I haven't slept in days but I don't feel tired, not in the way I normally do, but my body aches as I walk. Christina and I don't speak, although I know our thoughts are the same, fixed on Tris and Uriah. On the possibility of us having to go through this again, with her.
We make it to the observation window outside Uriah's room, and Evelyn is there- Amar picked her up in my stead, more than a week ago. Before she got here, we were having trouble keeping Tris' lungs from refilling with fluid. She knew how to keep people from dying from her time with the factionless and showed them, helping them save her life. We've had no trouble keeping the liquid out of them since she arrived.
Inside the room, Zeke and Hana stand on either side of Uriah. Hana is holding one of his hands, and Zeke is holding the other. A doctor stands near the heart monitor, a clipboard outstretched, held out not to Hana or Zeke but to David. Sitting in his wheelchair. Hunched and dazed, like all the others who have lost their memories.
"What is he doing here?" I feel like all my muscles and bones and nerves are on fire.
"He's still technically the leader of the Bureau, at least until they replace him." Cara says from behind me. "Tobias, he doesn't remember anything. The man you knew doesn't exist anymore; he's as good as dead. That man doesn't remember shoot-"
"Shut up!" I snap. David signs the clipboard and turns around, pushing himself toward the door. It opens, and I can't stop myself- I lung toward him, and before anyone can get in front of me, I wrap my hands around his throat, squeezing as hard as I can. He's trying to pry my hands away, but he's not strong enough. He starts to turn a horrible shade of red.
"You bastard! You almost killed her!" I wrap my hands around his throat tighter, as he starts turning blue. "How does it feel?"
Evelyn grabs my arms and wrenches them away from David, leaving him heaving and coughing in his chair. It sounds like he's swallowed rusty razor blades as he tries to catch his breath.
He looks at me strangely, and doesn't say a word as he wheels himself between us and down the hallway, still clutching his throat. I can see the bruises begin to form around his neck, showing the outline of my fingers. I press against my mother's arm, which feels like a bar against my shoulders.
"Tobias!" Evelyn says sternly. It immediately takes me back to my childhood, when she would tell me off for something. "Calm. Down."
"Why didn't someone lock him up?" I demand, and my eyes are too blurry to see out of.
"Because he still works for the government," Cara says, slightly shaky. "Just because they've declared it an unfortunate accident doesn't mean they've fired everyone. And the government isn't going to lock him up just because he almost killed a rebel under duress."
"A rebel," I repeat. "That's all she is now?"
"No, of course not, but that's what the government sees her as."
I'm about to respond, but Christina interrupts. "Guys, they're doing it."
In Uriah's room, Zeke and Hana join their free hands over Uriah's body. I see Hana's lips moving, but I can't tell what she's saying- do the Dauntless have prayers for the dying? The Abnegation react to death with silence and service, not words. I find my anger ebbing away, and I'm lost in the muffled grief, for Uriah, whose smile is burned into my memory. My friend's brother, and then my friend, too, though not for long enough to let his humour work its way into me. Not for long enough.
The doctor flips some switches, her clipboard clutched to her stomach, and the machines stop breathing for Uriah. Zeke's shoulders shake, and Hana squeezes his hand tightly, until her knuckles go white.
Then she says something, and her hands spring open, and she steps back from Uriah's body. Letting him go.
I move away from the window, walking at first, and then running back to Tris, pushing my way through the hallways, careless, empty, blind.
I'm remembering spreading Uriah's ashes, a few days ago now, when I hear someone's light footsteps walking up to me from behind.
"Tobias, I need to talk to you about Tris." Cara walks up to my shoulder. I'm standing in front of the monitors in the control room, looking at the city.
I start to walk away, to try and avoid what I know she's going to say. But she follows me, down the long hallways and corridors.
"Stop! You need to understand, she's most likely not going to wake up. The chances of her coming out of a coma under these circumstances are minimal at best, you have to listen." She insists on something I will not allow.
I reach our room, and open the door, about to close it in her face, but she puts the toe of her shoe in between the door and the frame as I'm closing it. I open it, glaring at her.
She stares me in the eyes. "She's as good as dead Tobias! Listen to me!"
And I snap.
CHAPTER
FIFTY-SIX
TRIS
THERE IS ONE mirror in my house. It is behind a sliding panel in the hallway upstairs. Our faction allows me to stand in front of it on the second day of every third month, the day my mother cuts my hair.
I sit on the stool and my mother stands behind me with the scissors, trimming. The strands fall on the floor in a dull, blond ring.
When she finishes, she pulls my hair away from my face and twists it into a knot. I note how calm she looks and how focused she is. She is well-practiced in the art of losing herself. I can't say the same for myself.
I sneak a look at my reflection when she isn't paying attention- not for the sake of vanity, but out of curiosity. A lot can happen to a person's appearance in three months. In my reflection I see a narrow face, wide, round eyes, and a long, thin nose- I still look like a little girl though sometime in the last few months I turned sixteen. The other factions celebrate birthdays, but we don't. It would be self- indulgent.
"There." she says when she pins the knot in place. Her eyes catch mine in the mirror. It is too late to look away, but instead of scolding me, she smiles at our reflection. I frown a little. Why doesn't she reprimand me for staring at myself?
"So today's the day," she says.
"Yes." I reply.
"Are you nervous?"
I stare into my own eyes for a moment. Today is the day of the aptitude test that will show me which of the five factions I belong in. And tomorrow, at the Choosing Ceremony, I will decide on my faction; I will decide the rest of my life; I will decide to stay with my family or abandon them.
"No," I say. "The tests don't have to change our choices."
"Right." she smiles. "Let's go eat breakfast."
"Thank you. For cutting my hair."
She kisses my cheek and slides the panel over the mirror. I think my mother could be beautiful, in a different world. Her body is thin beneath the grey robe. She has high cheekbones and long eyelashes, and when she lets her hair down at night, it hangs in waves over her shoulders. But she must hide that beauty in Abnegation.
We walk together to the kitchen. On these mornings when my brother makes breakfast, and my father's hand skims my hair as he reads the newspaper, and my mother hums as she clears the table- it is on these mornings that I feel guiltiest for wanting to leave them.
The realization comes that I was dreaming when I can't see my mother anymore, and instead I can hear what sounds like yelling. But it sounds odd- like it's on a continuous loop. And like I'm hearing it from underwater or through balls of cotton stuffed into my ears.
Trying to move isn't exactly easy either. Feeling like there's lead coursing through my veins instead of blood keeps me pinned to the soft surface underneath me. It seems the only part of my body that isn't tied down by weights is my eyes. I try to concentrate all of my energy on getting them open. Slowly, the world is revealed. Well, not really. Considering that everything is blurry and spinning. I blink, trying to clear away the fog. I can hear a persistent beeping, keeping to a rhythm.
When my eyes finally land on something that isn't shaky I can make out two figures standing in a doorway. I squint, turning my head slightly, trying to discern the scene that's in front of me. The sounds of arguing still fill the room we're in.
"Tob…ias?" I can barely manage the word, it sounds like a choked whisper.
The voices stop as soon as the sound leaves my mouth. I can make out two heads turning in my direction. Then silence. I squint a little, to see if it's really Tobias or if I'm still dreaming. Is this real?
"…Tr-Tris?!" I can tell it's him as soon as I hear his voice. Even through the haze that continues to be persistent. The figures still haven't moved from the doorway. I blink a few mores times, giving my eyes the chance to adjust to being open once again. I see Tobias first- I will always notice him before anything else- and I follow the contours of his shoulders and arms, letting my gaze slowly roll over them all the way to what he's holding. His hands are clenched, around someone's shirt, his knuckles white, fabric being stretched and ripped by his intensity. He's pulling up the material into his fists and nearly lifting the person off the ground. I keep a steady pace until I reach their face, and it's… Cara? She's looking back at me with an expression of shock I've never seen on her face before. She stands on her tiptoes trying not to be lifted completely off the ground by him.
As if he's finally realizing what's happening, he drops Cara and sprints to my side. I can stare only at his face. It looks like he hasn't shaven in a few weeks and his hair is longer than I've ever seen it, slightly arcing off his forehead and into his eyebrows. His eyes are red and puffy. Has he been crying? I can see his cheeks are wet as he gets closer. He has what looks like two black eyes. He hasn't been sleeping?
He reaches for me and pulls me into his chest. His heartbeat is faster than I thought possible. He's trembling as if he's been out in a snow storm and can't get warm. He squeezes the tops of my shoulders so tightly I can barely breathe. I'm comforted by him, just like I always have been.
"Did you get punched?" I ask into his shirt, trying to lighten his mood. The words sound better but are still a garbled mess. He starts to chuckle, his body shaking against mine. He leans back and starts planting kisses over every inch of my face.
"God, thank you… thank you. I love you… love you so much." He says between kisses. "Thank you…"
I lean back to get a better look at him, worried.
There's a horrible stabbing pain in my back, on the left side, under my shoulder. The pain shoots a numbing feeling into my whole arm. I stiffen as I let out a small yelp when I feel it. He immediately stops laughing and slowly guides me back to lying down, not letting go of my hand. His familiar warmth is more than comforting. I gasp as my back hits the mattress, he looks like he's about to burst into tears again, but is keeping calm in order not to stress me out. I let a weak smile cover my face, trying to stifle his concern.
"I'm sorry. I should've been more careful. I'm sorry… so so sorry." he mumbles. It sounds like he's apologizing for more than my pain.
"What happened?" I whisper. I'm almost afraid to ask.
"You got shot. Twice." I hear Cara's light footsteps as she walks over to my bed. Glad to see her bluntness hasn't changed. My eyes don't leave Tobias' face and his don't leave mine for more than a few seconds.
"And… besides that? What happened? Is Caleb okay?" I gasp suddenly, feeling alarmed that he might not have made it after I took his place to reset every ones memory.
"He's fine." I see Tobias' jaw clench as he tries to not let me see his anger at my brother. "Him, and Cara helped the doctors to get you healed, but they were having trouble with your lungs, and… when Evelyn arrived a few days later she helped them to keep your lungs from filling with liquid." I can see that he's uncomfortable telling me that his mother helped save my life.
"So you chose to wipe Marcus' memory then." I can't say that I'm disappointed. But I'm more worried that Evelyn isn't going to comply with the plan.
"Well… not exactly. I was going to give the serum to my mother but we made a bit of a deal. She decided to leave with me and come here… and she made a treaty with Marcus to let the people in the city to make their own choices and live their own lives," This is the first time he looks away from my face, like he's embarrassed. But I can also see that he's not ashamed of his judgement, or his decision. "And he's not allowed to lead them."
I nod. I'm not upset, even though I think I should be. But I understand his willingness to forgive her. She is his mother, and he wants to be her son. That's not something to be mad at him for.
CHAPTER
FIFTY-SEVEN
TRIS
THREE WEEKS, FOUR days.
That's how long the world went, while leaving me behind. After I woke up, it took me two weeks to ask how bad my injuries were, afraid of what the answer might be. David had shot me twice. His first shot had hit me under the shoulder. Going cleanly through but collapsing my lung in the process. Cara had studied medical procedures and health care when she was still an Erudite. They had needed to drain my lungs of blood and fluid. They'd had all the supplies they needed, they'd just had to understand how to use them. Evelyn helped with that.
The second shot went through my right thigh. Thankfully leaving my femur and knee untouched, but leaving the muscle torn and contorted. It will take physical therapy in order to walk again.
Caleb was the one to reset my leg. When he was in Erudite he hadn't just studied the serums. He was the one who had ran to find me in the Weapons Lab after I had entered the code. He found me unconscious. I was told that I had lost almost sixty five percent of my blood.
I found out about Uriah only a few days after I woke up. I wasn't surprised, but losing a good friend like him isn't something that's easy. Especially after everything else that's happened. Wouldn't you think that something good could happen after all of this bad? His mother and Zeke had been brought back by Tobias, and they spread his ashes in the Dauntless chasm while I was still in my coma. Only two weeks after Caleb had found me they took him off of life support, but it had taken them a few more days to finally let him go. I woke up three days after that.
When Tobias had to be away, on the odd days that he was gone, I was kept company by the few doctors who hadn't had their memories erased, and Christina, but even she was gone some days too.
On one of the first days of physical therapy, I saw David wheeling down one of the hallways. My first instinct was to run, but since I was being carried in Tobias' arms there was nowhere I could go. I saw the faint purple outlines of fingers on his neck, bruises, like someone had strangled him. When I noticed this, Tobias smiled at me sheepishly, and I laughed slightly.
I was glad he wasn't dead, but I wasn't happy. I didn't know how to feel.
EPILOGUE
TWO AND A HALF YEARS LATER
TOBIAS
EVELYN STANDS AT the place where two worlds meet. Tire tracks are worn into the ground now, from the frequent coming and going of people from the fringe moving in and out, or people from the former Bureau compound commuting back and forth. Her bag rests against her leg, in one of the wells in the earth. She lifts her hand to greet us when we're close.
When she gets into the truck, she kisses my cheek, and I let her. I feel a smile creep across my face, and I let it stay there. I sneak a look at Tris from the corner of my eye and see her smiling at me. She waves at Evelyn.
"Welcome back," I say.
The agreement, when I offered it to her more than two years ago, and when she made it again with Johanna shortly after, was that she would leave the city. Now, so much has changed in Chicago that I don't see the harm in her coming back, and neither does she. Tris was harder to convince, but even she has lost almost all of her resentment towards my mother. Though two years have passed, Evelyn looks younger, her face fuller and her smile wider. The time has done her good.
"How are you?" she says.
"I'm… okay," I say. "We're going zip-lining today." I hear Tris chuckle at how shaky my voice is.
"I managed to convince him to go after Zeke insisted. In honour of Uriah, we are going to have some fun. Well… most of us," she looks at me and smiles. I give her a weak grin back. How did I get sucked into this?
"Ah," Evelyn says smiling along with Tris, trying to hold in her laughter. "Well, it shouldn't be too bad. Tris will take care of you." I can see her trying to comfort me. She and Tris have been getting along better lately. I'm happy about that. For a long time, Tris still wasn't happy about me letting my mother come back with us, but she didn't say anything. For that I'm thankful.
Evelyn puts a hand on my shoulder and looks out at the fields. The crops that were once isolated to the areas around Amity headquarters have spread, and continue to spread through all the grassy spaces around the city. Sometimes I miss the desolate, empty land. But right now I don't mind driving through the rows and rows of corn or wheat. I see people among the plants, checking the soil with handheld devices designed by former Bureau scientists. They wear red and blue and green and purple.
"What's it like, living without factions?" I'm surprised when she asks Tris.
"Very ordinary," Tris says, smiling at her. "You'll love it."
We take Evelyn to Tris and mines apartment just north of the river. It's on one of the lower floors, but through the abundant windows I can see the wide stretch of buildings. We were some of the first settlers in the new Chicago, so we got to choose where we lived. Zeke, Shauna, Christina, Amar, and George opted to live in the higher floors of the Hancock building, and Caleb and Cara both moved back to the apartments near Millennium Park. We came here because it was beautiful, but I mostly enjoyed it because it was nowhere near either of my old homes.
"The neighbour is a history expert, he came from the fringe," I say as I search my pockets for my keys. Tris opens the door with her keys, before I can find mine. "He calls Chicago "the fourth city'- because it was destroyed by fire, ages ago, and then again by the Purity War, and now we're on the fourth attempt at settlement here."
"The fourth city," Evelyn says as she walks into our home. "I like it."
There's hardly any furniture inside, just a couch and a table, some chairs, a kitchen. Sunlight winks in the windows of the building across the marshy river. Some of the former Bureau scientists are trying to restore the river and lake to their former glory, but it will be a while. Change, like healing, takes time.
Evelyn drops her bag on the couch. "Thank you for letting me stay with you for a little while. I promise I'll find another place soon."
Again, I'm surprised when Tris responds before I do. "No problem,"
I feel nervous about my mother being here, poking through mine and Tris' possessions, shuffling down our hallways, but we can't stay distant forever. Not when I promised her that I would try to bridge this gap between us.
"George says he needs some help training the police force," Evelyn says, looking at me. "You didn't offer?"
"No," I say. "I told you, I'm done with guns."
Tris simply sits on the couch. She's trying very hard not to seem upset, now that my mother will be sharing a space with her for a few weeks. I knew she wasn't happy when I asked, she never refused, but I could tell she didn't come close to liking the idea, regardless of their relationship getting better.
"That's right. You're using your words now," Evelyn says, wrinkling her nose. "I don't trust politicians you know."
"You'll trust me, because I'm your son," I say. "Anyways, I'm not a politician. Not yet, anyway. Just an assistant." I can see Tris smiling up at me. She likes the idea of me working rather than me fighting a war.
Evelyn sits at the table and looks around, twitchy and spry, like a cat.
"Do you know where your father is?" she says. I see Tris look up and into my face, watching for my reaction.
I shrug. "Someone told me he left. I didn't ask where he went." Tris quarks her head to the side, trying to be sure that I'm not playing off the question.
My mother rests her chin on her hand. "There's nothing you wanted to say to him? Nothing at all?"
I see Tris really starting to get irritated. She doesn't like when people bring up the subject. Especially when they try to pry answers out of me. She's protective and always tries to change the subject before the questions can really bring back the feeling of fear he once gave me.
"No," I say. I find my keys, and twirl them around my finger. "I just wanted to leave him behind me, where he belongs." I figured out a long time ago that if I answer truthfully, Tris would be able to tell. She's never heard me say that about Marcus, but she's happy with my answer.
Two years ago, when I stood across from him in the park with the snow falling around us, I realized that just as attacking him in front of the Dauntless in the Merciless Mart hadn't made me feel better about the pain he caused me, yelling at him or insulting him wouldn't either. There was only one option left, and it was letting go.
Evelyn gives me a strange, searching look, then crosses the room and opens the bag she left on the couch. She takes out an object made of blue glass. It looks like falling water, suspended in time.
I see Tris quickly get up and leave the room, walking down the short hallway and opening the door into our bedroom, giving us privacy.
I remember when my mother gave it to me. I was young, but not too young to realize that it was a forbidden object in the Abnegation faction, a useless and therefor self-indulgent one. I asked her what purpose it served, and she told me, It doesn't do anything obvious. But it might be able to do something in here. Then she touched her hand to her heart. Beautiful things sometimes do.
For years it was a symbol of my quiet defiance, my small refusal to be an obedient, deferent Abnegation child, and a symbol of my mother's defiance too, even though I believed she was dead. I hid it under my bed, and the day I decided to leave Abnegation, I put it on my desk so my father could see it, my strength, and hers.
"When you were gone, this reminded me of you," she says, clutching the glass to her stomach. "Reminded me of how brave you were, always have been." She smiles at me a little. "I thought you might keep it here, I intended it for you, after all."
I wouldn't trust my voice to remain steady if I spoke, so I just smile back, and nod.
The spring air is cold but I leave the windows open in the truck, so I can feel it in my chest, so it stings my fingertips, as a reminder of the lingering winter. Tris doesn't complain from the passenger seat. I stop by the train platform near the Merciless Mart and take her hand into both of mine, kissing the back of her fingers one by one. I look into her eyes and she smiles at me.
We get out of the truck and walk down the platform hand in hand, toward the group that has already gathered. Christina stands with Zeke and Shauna, who sits in a wheelchair with a blanket over her lap. She has a better wheelchair now, one without handles on the back, so she can maneuver it more easily. Matthew stands on the platform with his toes over the edge.
"Hi," I say, standing at Shauna's shoulder.
Christina pulls Tris into a hug and wraps her arms around her, careful not to squeeze her still sore shoulder and ribs. Zeke slaps me on the back when I walk over to him. I notice he has a large backpack draped over his shoulder, but I don't comment.
Uriah died only a few weeks after Tris went into her coma, and when we spread his ashes we screamed his name into the echo chamber of the Pit. This last act of Dauntless bravery will be for him. From all of us.
"Got something to show you," Shauna says looking between me and Tris, and she tosses the blanket aside, revealing complicated metal braces on her legs. They go all the way up to her hips and wrap around her belly like a cage. She smiles at us, and with a gear-grinding sound, her feet shift to the ground in front of the chair and in fits and starts, she stands.
Despite the serious occasion, I smile.
"Well look at that," I say. "I'd forgotten how tall you are."
Shauna starts to wobble, and is about to fall backwards into her chair when Tris steps forward quickly grabbing her hands to steady her. She's grinning from ear to ear, happy for her friend.
"Caleb and his lab buddies made them for me," Shauna says. "Still getting the hang of it, but they say I might be able to run someday."
"That's incredible!" Rejoices Tris, slowly letting go of her hands. "Where is he anyway?"
"He and Amar will meet us at the end of the line," she says. "Someone has to be there to catch the first person."
"He's still sort of a pansycake," Zeke says. "But I'm coming around to him."
"Hm," I say, not commenting. The truth is, I've made peace with Caleb, but I still can't be around him for long. Every time he speaks I see the traitorous coward who sold out the girl I'm in love with. He almost killed her. Twice. That's not something that's easy for me to forgive, but I'm trying.
I would say more, but the train is coming. It charges toward us on the polished rails, then squeals as it slows to a stop in front of the platform. A head leans out the window of the first car, where the controls are- it's Cara, her hair in a tight braid.
"Get on!" she says.
Shauna sits in the chair again and pushes herself through the doorway. Matthew, Christina, and Zeke follow. Tris and I get on last, and I get in, standing in the doorway, my hand clutching the handle. The train starts again, building speed with each second, and I hear it churning over the tracks and whistling over the rails, and I feel the power of it rising inside me. The air whips across my face and presses my clothes to my body, and I watch the city sprawl out in front of me, the buildings lit by the sun. Someone touches my shoulder and I know immediately that it's Tris. I see her out of the corner of my eye, her hair, now a few inches below her shoulders, whips with the wind and into her face. She holds my hand as we gaze out into our old city.
It's not the same as it used to be, our city, but I got over that a long time ago. All of us have found new places. Cara and Caleb work in the laboratories at the compound, which are now a small segment of the Department of Agriculture that works to make agriculture more efficient, capable of feeding more people. Matthew works in psychiatric research somewhere in the city- the last time I asked him, he was studying something about memory. Peter had volunteered to become his main test subject. Many advances had been made because of his willingness to learn and be tested on, the last time I heard. Christina works in an office that relocates people from the fringe who wish to move into the city. Zeke and Amar are policemen, and George trains the police force- Dauntless jobs, I call them. And I'm assistant to one of our city's representatives in government: Johanna Reyes.
I let my body start to fall forward as we come to a turn, my foot hooking into the groove of the doorway. I'm almost dangling over the street two stories below us, my body facing into the wind, making it hard to breathe. I see Tris lean out in front of me, a smile covering her face as she presses into the wind. Her back presses into my chest and I put my arm around her, still feeling worried she might fall, even though I know that's absurd. I feel a thrill in my stomach, the fear-thrill the true Dauntless love. She puts her hand over mine, and I can tell she's overcoming the pain in her shoulder and ribs to share this moment with me. She still hasn't healed properly from almost losing her life. I shudder at the thought, my arm tightening around her possessively.
"Hey," Christina shouts over the wind, standing inside the train, her arm braced against the wall. "How's your mother?"
"Fine," I say slowly guiding Tris and I back inside. "We'll see I guess."
"Are you going to zip line?"
I feel the familiar spike of terror split through my stomach at the idea of going up that high. I breathe in a shaky breathe. "No..?" I shake my head as I say it, knowing that I promised Tris I would and that she wouldn't be happy with my answer. It's the least you could do, Zeke would be grateful. And how was I supposed to say no to that kind of logic? Sure enough, I feel a not-so-hard slap against my chest. I look down to see her scowling at me, but she's not mad, I can tell. There's a smirk tugging at the corners of her lips.
"Yes?" I try again. Christina smiles at me, and I look again to Tris wanting to see her beautiful smile. Whenever she does there's a feeling that I can't describe, but when I almost lost her, the thought that I'd never see it again was harder than anything else. I savour every moment of looking at her face now, never taking a second for granted.
I expect Christina to poke fun at me, Candor smart mouth that she is, but she stays silent and walks back to Zeke, laying her hand on his shoulder.
Cara guides the train to a stop, and I hop down onto the platform, offering my hand to Tris helping her down. Even though her leg has since healed, I always help her anyway. It brings me joy, knowing that she's there for me to touch and to hold. She takes my hand, grinning at me, and hops down. I can see that the jolt makes her shoulder ache, but she suppresses it just like she always does. Perhaps it may never heal.
We move out of the way as Shauna gets out of her chair and works her way down the steps with her braces, one at a time. Matthew and I carry her empty chair after her, which is cumbersome and heavy, but not impossible to manage.
"Any updates from Peter?" I ask Matthew as we reach the bottom of the stairs. After Peter emerged from the memory serum haze, some of the sharper, harsher aspects of his personality returned, though not all of them. He moved to go and work with Matthew after that. I don't hate him anymore, but that doesn't mean I have to like him.
"He's in Milwaukee," Matthew says. "I don't know what he's doing though."
"He left?" Tris asks. She's surprised, but still not nearly as surprised as she was when I told her that Peter had decided to erase his own memory.
"Yes," Cara says from the bottom of the stairs looking at Tris. "He wanted to leave a few weeks ago. It wasn't like we could keep him hostage so we let him go. He's working in an office somewhere. I think it's good for him."
"I always thought he would go join the GD rebels in the fringe," Zeke says. "Shows you what I know."
"He's different now," Cara says with a shrug. I see Tris glare at the ground for a moment, before she shakes it off and starts to walk over to Christina.
There are still GD rebels in the fringe who believe that another war is the only way to get the change we want. I fall more on the side that wants to work for change without violence. I've had enough violence to last me a lifetime, and I bear it still, not in scars on my skin but in the memories that rise up in my mind when I least want them to, my father's fist colliding with my jaw, my gun raised to execute Eric, the Abnegation bodies sprawled across the streets of my old home.
The night terrors I have every other night, that wake me up screaming and clawing at the sheets below me while Tris tries desperately to keep me calm.
She takes my hand in hers and swings her arms between us, our steps synchronizing . Together we walk the streets to the zip line. The factions are gone, but this part of the city has more Dauntless than any other, recognizable still by their pierced faces and tattooed skin, though no longer by the colours they wear, which are sometimes garish. Some wander the sidewalks with us, but most are at work- everyone in Chicago is required to work if they're able.
Ahead of us I see the Hancock building bending into the sky, its base wider than its top. The black girders chase one another up to the roof, crossing, tightening, and expanding. My footsteps falter slightly and Tris catches me, standing in my path. I haven't been this close in a long time.
"Tobias," she says looking deeply into my eyes. "It's okay… I promise. I've got you, always."
I close my eyes and breathe deeply, feeling the air expand my aching lungs. I breathe out through my mouth and look down at her. Her face is so gorgeous, lit by the sun behind us. I can't resist, I lean down and crush my lips to hers, putting my arms around her waist and lifting her, so she's now above me, looking down. She touches her forehead to mine and smiles, her eyes closed. When I hear Christina grumble behind us I set her down and grab her hand. She leads me forward, towards the zip line. I keep forgetting to breathe, so I focus on that until we reach the entrance.
We enter the lobby, with its gleaming, polished floors and its walls smeared with the bright Dauntless graffiti, left here by the buildings residents as a kind of relic. This is a Dauntless place, because they are the ones who embraced it, for its height and, a part of me also suspects, for its loneliness. The Dauntless liked to fill empty spaces with their noise. It's something I liked about them.
Zeke jabs the elevator button with is index finger. We pile in, Tris wrapping her arms around me and pulling me into what feels like a tight hug, but when the door closes it skims her back, leaving her no room to move. Cara presses number 99.
I close my eyes as the elevator surges upward. I can almost see the space opening up beneath my feet, a shaft of darkness, and only a foot of solid ground between me and the possible sinking, dropping, plummeting. My heart feels like it's going explode, and I'm shaking. Tris moves her hands up my back and into my hair, forcing me to look at her. She breathes deeply, encouraging me to do the same. I try, but it comes out shaky and shallow. I see dark spots start to dot my vision. I think I'm going to black out. She breathes in and out again, and I do the same, this time with better results. We keep up the rhythm until the elevator shudders to a stop.
I cling to Tris to steady myself as the doors open.
Zeke touches my shoulder, next to Tris' hand that has curled around my back, her face pressed into the crook of my shoulder. "Don't worry, man. We did this all the time remember?"
I nod, letting my mouth and nose skim over Tris' hair, breathing it in. The smell calms my nerves, slightly. Air gushes through the gap in the ceiling, and above me is the sky, bright blue. I feel everyone start to push past us out of the elevator and we follow them. I shuffle with jerky movements towards the ladder, never letting Tris move more than a few inches in front of me. When I can't bear to go anymore, I stop. I can't think straight. The idea of being this high up penetrates my mind at every second, from every angle. I can barely breathe, my chest is so tight, and when I look into Tris' concerned face I can barely see her, black taking up most of my vision. I start to hyperventilate. It feels like I'm going to throw up.
"Tobias. Look at me," I can see everyone has stopped to watch me. I can't take my eyes away from the floor. "Look. At. Me."
I look up, into her eyes and see a look of determination, like it's her mission to get me to breathe in a solid breath. She starts the breathing exercise again, and I start to feel her reassuring hands start to trace up and down my back, bringing me once again into reality. I nod slightly, trying to hold the bile back that threatens to make an appearance.
"Okay," she says walking slowly backward, guiding me to the ladder. "Be brave." She says smiling at me.
I smile at her. That's what I've always told everyone else, now she's telling me. I start to walk with robotic movements with her, too numb with fear to make my feet move any faster.
When we reach the ladder, she gestures for me to go first. I find the cold metal in my fingertips, focusing on one rung at a time. I can feel her hand pressed firmly to my lower back, giving me balance. Above me, Shauna maneuvers awkwardly up the ladder, using mostly the strength from her arms.
I asked Tori once, while I was getting the symbols tattooed on my back, if she thought we were the last people left in the world. Maybe was all she said. I don't think she liked to think about it. But up here, on the roof, it is possible to believe that we are the last people left anywhere.
I stare at the buildings along the marsh front, and my chest tightens, squeezes, like it's about to collapse in on itself. I feel Tris' arms once again wrapped around me from behind, her cheek pressed to the back of my shoulder.
Zeke runs across the roof to the zip line and attaches one of the man-sized slings to the steel cable. He locks it so it won't slide down, and looks at the group of us expectantly.
"Christina," he says. "It's all you."
Christina stands near the sling, tapping her chin with her finger.
"What do you think? Face- up or backward?"
"Backward," Matthew says. "I wanted to go face-up so I don't wet my pants, and I don't want you copying me."
"Going face-up will only make that more likely to happen, you know," Christina says. "So go ahead and do it so I can start calling you Wetpants."
Christina gets in the sling feet-first, belly down, so she'll watch the building get smaller as she travels. I shudder. Tris' arms tighten around my waist, holding me tightly.
I can't watch. I close my eyes as Christina travels farther and farther away, and even as Matthew and then Shauna do the same thing. I can hear their cries of joy, like birdcalls, on the wind.
"Your turn, Four," says Zeke.
I shake my head.
"Come on," Cara says. "Better to get it over with, right?"
"No," I say. "You go. Please."
She takes a deep breath. I feel Tris' hand against my heart, it's warm, which slows it down slightly, but not enough to take away the concern that washes over her face like a grim mask. Cara climbs into the sling, unsteady, and Zeke straps her in. She crosses her arms over her chest, and he sends her out, over Lake Shore Drive, over the city. I don't hear anything from her, not even a gasp.
Then it's just me, Tris and Zeke left, staring at each other.
"I don't think I can do it," I say, and though my voice is steady, my body is shaking. Tris' mouth is set into a hard line, like she's concentrating on something.
"Of course you can," he says. "You're Four, Dauntless legend! You can face anything."
Before I can respond I hear Tris let out a sigh, her flat palm still pressed firmly to my chest. "Er… maybe not. If his heartbeat gets any faster he might just have a heart attack. We could use plan B," she says looking at Zeke.
Zeke looks concerned, but he wants me to do this for his brother. I should do this. I know I should, but… can I? Zeke leans over and heaves the backpack off his shoulder, letting it hit the ground with a reverberate thump, dust springs up from its resting place and into my eyes, blown by the subtle wind. Zeke pushes the zipper open and pulls out a thick roll of what looks like burlap, but black. When he unrolls it, I can see the metal rings attached to the sides, and then it hits me.
It's a sling, but bigger. Almost like it's for-
"This thing will let you and Tris slide down together. She said that would help, if she was there with you. We spent the last few days building it. It took a few tries." He looks directly at me. A smile curving his face into a proud mask- he's happy with his invention.
I nod as best I can. It really would make me feel better if she was with me on the way down, but I'd rather avoid this situation all together.
Zeke smiles and starts to hookup the sling. She takes my hand and leads me slowly towards it, her steps slow and deliberate. I cross my arms and inch closer to the edge of the roof. Even though I'm still several feet away, I feel my body pitching over the edge. My knees almost give out, but Tris once again claims my hand, calming me. I look at her and remember her smile as climbed the Ferris wheel with me, or the hard set of her jaw as she faced fear after fear in the simulations. Or when she woke up from her coma in a daze, and I couldn't see anything but her. She was strong, even when I had to carry her places because of her leg, she kept trying, through all of it. So I can be strong now, can't I?
"How did you get in last time?"
"Face-first," she replies, smiling at me.
"All right," I never let go of her hand as I climb into the sling, my hands shaking so much I can barely grip the sides. I see Zeke gesture for her to get into the sling, lying on my back. She does slowly, trying not to hurt me, even though I can't feel anything since I'm still numb with fear. Zeke tightens the straps over ours backs and legs, and I feel her breathing in my ear.
"Ready?" she asks, and I can hear the excitement in her voice. I grab her hand, looking for anything solid and hold it as tight as I can. She kisses my cheek.
I stare down at Lake Shore Drive, swallowing bile, and start to slide.
Suddenly I want to take it back, but it's too late, we are already diving towards the ground. I'm screaming so loud I want to cover my own ears. I feel the scream living inside me, filling my chest, throat, and head.
The wind stings my eyes but I force them open, and in a moment of blind panic I understand why she does it this way, face-first- it's because it makes her feel like she's flying, like she is a bird.
I can still feel the emptiness beneath me, like a mouth about to swallow me.
I realize, then, that we have stopped moving. Tris wraps her arms around my neck, squeezing until it feels like she's going to strangle me. She's laughing.
The ground is only a few feet below us, close enough to jump down. The others have gathered there in a circle, their arms clasped to from a net of bone and muscle to catch us in. I press my face to the sling and laugh.
Tris twists her arms behind her back to undo the straps holding us in, leaving me with a lone tie around my back. She falls into their arms swiftly, then quickly moves and incorporates her arms into the mix.
I undo the strap and fall into my friends arms like a stone. They catch me, their bones pinching at my back and legs, and lower me to the ground.
Tris runs into my arms, crushing her face against mine, leaving me breathless as she kisses me passionately. "You did it!" she smiles at me in wonder. I can see, over her shoulder, Caleb smiling at us cautiously.
"Oh! Zeke's on his way." Christina says.
Zeke is hurtling toward us in a black sling. At first it looks like a dot, then a blob, and then a person swathed in black. He crows with joy as he eases to a stop, and I reach across to grab Amar's forearm. On my other side, I grasp Tris' pale arm. She grins at me, and there is excitement in her eyes.
Zeke's shoulder hits our arms, hard, and he smiles wildly as he lets us cradle him like a child.
"That was nice. Want to go again, Four?" He says.
I don't hesitate before answering, "Absolutely not."
TRIS
THERE ARE SO many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.
But sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life.
That is the sort of bravery we know now.
Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, everyone. We can't escape the damage.
But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended.
We mend each other.
Be brave.