For Mature audiences only (15-16 and up)

Chapter 1 (A Drop In The Ocean)

It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I know it should it wasn't right. I was 17 almost 18 and I've been through most situations a common teenager shouldn't. In the end though it still didn't bother me. At first it was disgusting and I felt degrading but if you do the same thing every night it for 2 weeks ends up being nothing. Now it was as common as breathing. The routine stuck in my head. First the air brushed across my naked body as each article of clothing was being thrown on the ground. Next the soft backing of the bed sheets crinkled the perfect shape indenting into my body. Their hands; manly or soft or well moisturized would run down my body raising the goose bumps from my arms. Soft or sometimes rough lips would make flames erupted on spots on my skin. I never let anybody kiss me on the lips though.

Their faces were always a blur, blurring into nothing. If I didn't look into their eyes it wouldn't be as real. I would close my eyes as they would make their way up my body to my neck and clenched my eyes closed as they entered. On occasions for just a moment I could imagine just being loved. Even though it doesn't bother me as much anymore, afterwards when they would roll off and fall asleep or put on their clothes and walk out I would always cover my body and let unwanted silent tears run down my face. Even if I say it doesn't bother me I can still feel a little piece of my heart break and fall down on my face in the form of tears.

It wasn't always like this, sleeping with guys just to get dirty money. Before that I used to be a happy normal teenager, that changed on my 14th birthday. Well not exactly but a couple days afterwards. I was young and stupid and probably did something I shouldn't have. He was 18 it was stupid how I fell for his charm. We got introduced when I was at a party I shouldn't have been with my best friend Callie. The way he said my name "Clary." His voice dripped with sweet seduction and his golden eyes pulled me into the darkest depths of deception. His strong arms cradled me into a warm web of lies as we swayed to the beat. The lights flashed, the music beat along with my heart. I was tall for my age and could pass for at least 16 with the help of heels and good makeup. I was drunk both with alcohol and the ache of his touch that he left on my body.

I didn't understand as we turned to fast and suddenly we were kissing. His lips were like a sweet morphine killing all my senses that I have in me. I could feel my body move like soft swishing waves. Until like floating, I was in another room, the door blocking any source of sound expect for the soft thud of the bass.

"Clare" He murmured my name as his lips made their way down my body. All was lost in me and slowly my clothes were gone. Piece by piece he stripped me away of clothes and without me realizing stripping me of my future. He whispered sweet nothingness into my ear, and part of me believed him. Soon his clothes joined mine in a pile littering the ground in the empty bedroom.

Soon it was over and forgotten tears dried on my face from when he took the gift I held, my virginity. He seemed shocked but continued and looked at me in sympathy afterwards I guess he felt bad for having my virginity taken in such a way. I just shrugged and snuggled into his chest and looked into the dark room. He put one of his arms behind his head and with the other lite up a cigarette. He represented all the qualities my parents told me to stay away from but somehow that made him irresistible. The silence drank up the room and his eyes looked far away.

"What's your full name?" I asked him out of the blue breaking the silence. He smirked and looked down at me.

"Jace, Jace Herondale" He again looked down at me and smiled: a full blown one. "And you?"

"Clary Adele Fairchild" I replied and silence settled down in the room as he just stroked my back with his hand that he had put around me to pull me closer. He rubbed circles on my back my eyes felt heavy and I sighed in contentment and closed my eyes. I was just about to fall asleep when a bang disrupted me from sleeping.

That's when all hell broke loose. Yelling came from downstairs and quickly Jace jumped up and pulled on his pants then he helped me up and put a shirt on me as I threw on my pair of underwear. That's when the door busted open and two cops came in.

"Already this party is over" They shouted and Jace hid me from their view but I still got a glimpse of one of the officers. Duke- husband of my mother's best friend. I knew at that moment I was royalty screwed.

"What you hiding boy?" Duke whispered and as he said that I stepped into view with my hair all messy makeup smudged and in Jace's t-shirt.

"Ah hell" He shook his head and walked over to me. "What were you thinkin' darling' your parents would be so disappointed and will be when we get you home. And you boy what are you doing with a fourteen year old.

Jace looked at me with disappointment and disbelief. He generally looked shocked. "What- Clare- what?" The police looked at each other and shook their heads Duke grabbed my hand and led me out of the room my last look at Jace was on the ground kneeling with his hands behind his back with him getting handcuffed. His eyes were still the stormy golden bronze but clouded over in disbelief. It was my entire fault.

"What's going to happen to him?" I asked as I climbed in the back seat of the squad car.

"Probably facing a couple years in prison" He replied and that was the end of the topic. Lights from the city were off in the distance. The car came to a blanket of silence. The moon was high in the sky.

The police car rolled up to my house. The house was light blue three story tiny house. It was a small but comfortable house big enough for me and my parents. Duke walked me slowly to the door his eyes shone with sympathy. He knew how my step-dad would react, my step-dad was the head of the church here in town and being a good person was all he wanted me to do. My head hung low as I walked up to the steps and stood in front of my door. The chilly air brushed across my legs raising goose bumps. When my parents opened the door they scanned my appearance and shook their heads. I couldn't stand it. The disappointment in their eyes or the way my step-dad shook his head in disgust. All my step-dad did was point his finger in the direction of my room and I took off.

Later that night as I lay in bed I could hear my parents fighting. It was hard after they found out everything from Duke they sent him away with thanks then didn't make eye contact with me as they told me to go to my room. It's been an hour hearing them go back in forth.

"She's just a girl Luke she didn't know what she was doing; she's probably punished herself to"

"NO! She needs consequences she sent a guy to jail for crying out loud, she's ruined her future, our future"

"How explain to me because I do not understand"

"People are going to gossip-"

"SCREW PEOPLE" My mother raised her voice and I flinched.

"Word is going to get around Jocelyn, job offers our going to get turned down, she's tainted now her husband's not going to want her and don't get me started on how the church is going to react."

"So this is about you now, huh? It's always about the church I don't care if you're the priest or not she's our daughter"

"We have to send her to Saint Mary's Rehab center" Well I guess I didn't hide the fact that I was drunk almost every night as good as I thought. Since I was about thirteen I would go to parties with Callie and come home hung over from the previous night, I thought I had hid it well. It's not like they ever mentioned anything to me about it.

"Luke please I already lost one child to alcohol don't make me lose another" My mother sobbed out and I heard the door slam as my mother's sobs drowned out my own. My mother had never brought up my brother in over four years, six years since it happened. My brother was 16 and on his way home from his job as an assists at a vet hospital. He was driving on a highway from over a curve another car slammed into his and totaled both cars. They say it was a group of teenagers coming home, drunk from a party. My brother was in a coma for four months before he passed away.

I was little and don't remember much from then or I chose to block it out of my head. It didn't honestly like hurt me as much as it did my parents me and my brother never got along, he was always jealous of me and I was jealous of him. He thought I was spoiled because I was the littlest and I thought he was the perfect "golden" child. I do regret though not ever saying I love you to him before he died. In honesty though I looked up to him sometimes.

I knew I had messed up big time. My father wanted me gone and my mother was too busy re-mourning her son and the one that I had become to actually ask me what I thought. I was tearing this family apart. It was just my personality I craved adventure and I didn't have it in this family. It was my fault that everything was going wrong.

I had made my decision I decided that my fate wasn't to be here. I needed to get up, to go out on the open road where my damaged body would be accepted. That was all I needed, acceptance and I knew I definitely wasn't going to get it here. Getting up I tiptoed around my room collecting everything I deemed worthy of taking. Packing into a small leather bag I saw his t-shirt and quickly threw it in the bag with the rest of my clothes and toiletries. I walked over to my window and took one look at my room. On my bed I left a short note enough to get what I wanted out to my parents.

I'm sorry. I love you guys so much, it's my fault so I'll just leave, don't worry about me –Clare-bear

Finally I scanned the room one more time. The fluffy stuffed bear on my dresser caught my attention. One of the button eyes have fallen off and its fur was matted sometimes with dirt in spots and the spots of where I gripped it were on it. It was from my childhood it represented everything I wasn't at this moment, innocence. I hesitated then grabbed it and fled the room climbing out my window. I hopped down on the ground and ran from the only home I knew.

Abandoned train tracks were just a few blocks away from my home. So in the dark I held my teddy bear close to my heart and went off into the dark. I was leaving behind my life, leaving my childhood most of all leaving behind all that is innocent.

Okie dokie, it's been forever since I've been on this site and I'm so so so so so so so so so so sorry! The other story I just lost interest in so I thought I'll start and finish this one then maybe go back and finish book two of my series. Anywho please comment and tell me what you think- and I just noticed Jonathan is always dying or dead in my books, hehe sorry Jonathan! :) Ok have a great day guys! 3